HIS OBSESSION-To Load

by Beck, J. L.

  Did she just admit to tampering with Tony’s brakes? My God… Sofia had almost killed Tony. And she’d done it just so Jake would be run out of town and she could have him all to herself.

  She had to be lying, right? As drunk as she was, she didn’t know what she was saying. This type of a confession might not even hold up in court, even if I had any other proof besides my word. Still, I had to tell the Sheriff what I knew. Sofia was probably not even on their radar about this.

  I left Sofia sitting on the curb drunk off he ass and sobbing to herself. I didn’t really care what happened to her, but I did feel a twinge of guilt about not at least calling her a ride to make sure she didn’t hurt herself or someone else, but from the looks of things, she wasn’t driving.

  I immediately drove to the Sheriff’s station and reported what I knew.

  Bailey listened intently and told me that they would question her and he’d send a deputy to see if he could find her and put her in the drunk tank. This put my mind to ease a bit.

  Now, I had to talk to Jake. I had to let him know that I knew he didn’t try to kill Tony. I’m sure it was killing him to have me think that. He didn’t know that in the back of my mind I really did not think he was capable of such a thing, but if I was truthful with myself, I didn’t really know what to think. My mind had been racing going back and forth on the matter.

  But now my mind was eased. I wondered if Sofia would actually be charged with anything, or if there was any evidence that actually linked her to the crime besides her drunken confession that no one heard except me. Only time would tell on that one.

  I thought a moment about contacting Tony to tell him that there was possible new evidence that Jake was not the one who tampered with his brakes. The moment that thought entered my mind I pushed it out though. Screw him. I was happy to move on from Tony. There was nothing between us anymore. Hell, there was not much between us to begin with apparently.

  But my heart was still broken. When I thought of Tony I remembered the good times we’d shared and I thought about what might have been. Then I had to remind myself that it was all an illusion. Tony didn’t love me. He might have thought he did and realized that it was not going to happen for us when he decided to call it quits. Given enough time I might have even reached the same conclusion. I wanted to hate Tony, but for whatever reason I didn’t really. I hated what he did and the way he did it, but I respected his feelings.

  I just hate the cowardly way he walked out of my life.

  Judging by the hour, I knew Jake would be at the hardware store. When I arrived there, I found Jake stocking some shelves in the back of the store. I admired him for his work ethic. One thing you could say about Jake Mathews; he wasn’t lazy.

  It took him a moment to realize I was standing in front of him. The look on his face was classic.

  It was a mixture of total surprise, utter elation, and a little bit of caution. “Hey…” Jake said. He almost sounded nervous.

  “Hi, Jake,” I said. This was awkward.

  “What’s going on? Are you ok?” Jake asked.

  He stopped what he was doing and gave me his undivided attention.

  “Yeah,” I said. “I’m fine. Can we talk?”

  “Of course,” Jake said. “What’s on your mind?”

  I glanced around wondering if there was a private area but then realized between the shelves with no customers around was pretty private. I wondered how much his business had suffered because of the allegations against him. I felt somehow guilty about it.

  “I just talked to Sofia,” I said.

  Jake’s eyes rolled. “I’m sorry.”

  “Yeah, so am I, usually. She was loaded on something and she came screaming at me outside of the bakery asking me if I’d seen you.”

  “Shit,” Jake said. “She is a basket case. I haven’t talked to her in days. I don’t plan to.”

  “Good,” I said. “Something she said really disturbed me and I had to tell you about it. I’m not sure if you’ll even believe me, but I felt that you of all people should know about it.”

  Jake’s face grew very serious then.

  I took a deep breath and let it rip. “Sofia said she is the one who cut Tony’s brake line.”

  Jake gulped. He looked horror stricken and started licking his lips nervously. “She told you that?”

  “Yeah, she was drunk and I think it just kind of slipped out. I don’t think she’ll remember anything about our conversation tomorrow.”

  “Jesus,” Jake said. “I can’t believe that she told you, drunk or not.”

  “Wait, you knew about it?”

  “She told me a few days ago. I knew nothing about it until then, honest. You know me pretty well. I would never do something like that.”

  I closed my eyes fighting back tears. I was so relieved to hear those words come out of his mouth. I believed him. I truly did. “I’m sorry I haven’t spoken to you,” I said. “I just didn’t know what to think. I wasn’t sure if you’d even want to speak with me.”

  “Nothing would ever change the way I feel about you,” Jake said. “You can always talk to me.”

  I smiled at him. It felt so good to get his out in the open.

  “I’m so sorry about the day in the bakery,” Jake said. “I don’t have any excuses. I was just upset and at the end of my rope. I guess I was I lost it a bit. But I’m feeling a bit better now. Nothing like being accused of attempted murder to sober your mind up, right?”

  “I’ve told the Sheriff everything that Sofia told me,” I said.

  “Good luck proving anything,” Jake replied. “She said she covered her tracks pretty well. Besides, she didn’t actually do it. I doubt if she has any idea how. She paid some guy to take care of it for her.”

  “I figured,” I said. I didn’t see Sofia as the mechanically inclined type.

  “I love you Mia,” Jake said. “Nothing is ever going to change that.”

  “I know,” Mia said. “But Jake I can’t go back there with you. I just can’t.”

  Jake hung his head sadly. “I know. But you know I’ll never stop trying.”

  I nodded.

  I really didn’t want to get into this conversation with him again. “Look, I’ve got to go pick up Lola. I just wanted you to know about this.”

  “I appreciate it,” Jake said.

  “I just wanted to let you know that I don’t believe you had anything to do with it.”

  Jake smiled. “That really puts my mind at ease…Thanks.”

  I left the hardware store feeling pretty good about things. It felt good to have a somewhat normal conversation with Jake, but I had to get out of there before things went sour and he started to talk like himself.

  As I drove towards my parent’s house to pick up Lola I found myself thinking about all of the wonderful times that Jake and I had shared during our relationship. Those memories would never leave me. I knew that, but since he arrived back in town, I couldn’t stop reliving them. Even when I wasn’t consciously aware of it suddenly, an image or a flashback would pop into my mind or something arbitrary would remind me of something from back then. It felt comforting.

  But I had to stay strong. I had to keep up my resolve.

  Jake needed to know that I knew he was innocent about Tony, but as I drove away from the hardware store, I felt bittersweet about it. It was a double edged sword in a way. Was Jake now going to see this as an invitation to continue pursuing me? He basically told me that in the store. Didn’t he? Or was I crazy? I had never questioned my sanity as much before in my life as I had since Jake Mathews walked back into my life.

  It was maddening.

  As I drove, a strange feeling began to creep over me. I wanted to feel peaceful about everything. I wanted to feel good and happy with my life, and for the most part, I was. But I wanted love. I wanted that connection. I thought that after Tony I would feel the opposite. In my mind, I’d all but given up on men. I did it after Lola was born and I was prepared to do it again. />
  Or was I? Standing there and talking with Jake in the hardware store, I couldn’t hide the fact that we had a strong connection. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to grab him and kiss him right then and there that I loved him.

  Deep down, I knew that I did. I could fight it tooth and nail with all of my might, but nothing was ever going to change that.

  I’d decided to accept the fact that I loved Jake Mathews. But I was not going to lower my defenses and take him back. I still had all the same reasons for keeping my heart safe and keeping Lola’s life as trouble free as possible. I would never forgive myself if I allowed her heart to get broken too.

  As I pulled into my parent’s driveway anxious to see my sweet little girl, I felt happy with the decision that I’d made.

  But I knew that it was always going to be a battle. Being firm in my feelings were not going to change them in any way. I was still going to struggle with wanting Jake and he was going to keep pushing.

  I wondered, when would I stop pushing back?

  Chapter Fourteen

  Mia

  Was it possible to hate someone you loved so much? I wondered time and time again when Jake would come back to me. Then when and if he did, how I would react to it. Well, here he was, and all I wanted to do was run away. It was really like a tug of war going on inside of me where I felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin if I didn’t do something soon. But I had no idea what I needed to do, nor any clue what I wanted to do. It was all so much simpler when he was gone. Why did he have to come back? I was over him. I’d practically forgotten all about him and the shattered heart of the girl I used to be, the girl he left behind.

  My hope for the future I thought would be was gone now. Jake was back and I was going to have to face him and the way I felt about him. I had to think with my head and not my heart.

  “He just makes me feel emotions I’m not ready to feel again,” I confessed to my best friend Rosy. She knew about Lola being Jake’s and she also knew how much pain and heartache I had endured losing him. It was she who had sat beside me night after night as I cried my eyes out missing Jake like crazy and asking myself a thousand times what I’d done wrong to drive him away. I’d been totally convinced that it must have been my fault somehow.

  But Rosy was there. She was the best friend anyone could have asked for. We were like sisters, really. She was the type of friend I needed even though sometimes she was not the friend I wanted. There was no sugar coating with Rosy. What you saw was what you got and she didn’t care a thing whether you liked it or not. And when I needed to face cold, hard reality, she was there to give it to me straight and talk some sense into me. Without her I ‘m not sure I would have made it as easily as I did after Jake left.

  “We’ve talked about this a million times, and you knew this day would come.” Rosy lifted an eyebrow at me, sounding completely unsupportive.

  “Whose side are you on?” I questioned, before taking a drink of wine. I was on my third glass for the night, which was way more than I would ever normally drink. But sometimes you needed something to take the edge off, right? And tonight, Mr. Merlot was going to make me feel alright. Or at least, numb enough to block out thoughts of Jake altogether.

  Rosy smiled, “Yours of course.” I couldn’t help the eye roll I gave her. Rosy liked Jake regardless of what he had done to me, and not because she wanted to be mean. She said she saw his reasoning, and understood, while I, on the other hand, didn’t and had spent the last four years being hateful. In all reality, I didn’t hate him; I was just upset that he hurt me.

  “I just want him to stop. That’s it.” I was emotionally, and physically tired of his advances and I wasn’t sure how much longer I could fend him off. I was becoming weaker with every single word he spoke. I’m not sure anyone, even Rosy truly understood how addicted to this man I still was. That was the only way to describe it, as an addiction. At times, I even thought my anger towards him was part of the reason he had so much control over me. I knew it sounded crazy, but somewhere deep down I knew that if I forgave him then I would somehow lose a part of myself.

  “Do you though?” Rosy said, basically reading my mind. She wiggled her eyebrows at me and I took that moment to kick her under the table.

  “I do…. I can’t fall again, not with Lola here. I’ll never survive if he hurts me again.” The last word caught in my throat as a burst of tears began to roll down my face. I coughed and wiped my eyes trying to hide my pain. Rosy stared at me unflinching. She was the sweetest person in the world, but her tough exterior often hid this. Even though I knew Rosy probably better than anyone, I sometimes felt that there was so much about my dearest friend that I didn’t even know. She was a tough one to crack. I had a feeling she’d been hurt by someone at a young age, but I had no idea who. She didn’t really open up much about her early childhood.

  I wiped the tears from my eyes angrily until they began to feel worn and a bit swollen. I hated this. Confessing the words out loud made me feel weak and I couldn’t stand feeling weak. Growing up in the family I did you were trained to not show emotions. Letting people see you break down was just not done. And lately, I was just unable to control myself, it seemed.

  But as I sat there crying and feeling sorry for myself my thoughts turned to Lola. My sweet little baby girl. She was my whole world and I would die a thousand times before I let anyone break her little heart. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that most of my turmoil, the rage and the heartache, was really about her. Things were different now. I had held in the secret of who Lola’s father was for the last four years, and something told me that I wouldn’t be able to for much longer. This made me almost crazy with anger and a weird kind of desperation. If Jake found out that Lola was his then it would change everything for him too. There would be no way that I could push him out of my life. We would be forever joined because of Lola if for nothing else.

  And then I would be completely helpless to resist him. At least now, I could hope to hold out long enough for him to give up and just go away. I prayed that he would leave town. But if, or more likely when, he found out about Lola, he would always be there.

  Rosy placed her hand on my shoulder, holding me to the ground with her touch. I needed someone to keep me sane right at this moment. She would always be there, I knew. No matter how messed up and out of control I got, or how emotional and broken down I became at times, Rosy would never judge me. She would straighten me out in more ways than one if I needed it, but she would never abandon me. I’m not sure I could even say that about anyone in my actual family. That was the mark of a real best friend.

  Rosy looked me right in the eye. She spoke slow, but firm., “You have to come clean about everything… It’s been compiling for years, and no one, not even your family knows the truth. You’re trying to hide something you shouldn’t have to hide…”

  I bit my bottom lip trying to hide the tears that wanted to fall again. My lip quivered underneath my bite causing me to bite down harder. I wondered how long until I drew blood. What was I doing? Why was I putting myself through this? I was an emotional wreck, and all because of a man who left me pregnant and alone for four years.

  “I know…” I sighed. “I just don’t know that telling him right now is the right thing to do.” Jake was so hung up on getting back with me that if he knew Lola was his, he would do everything in his power to bring us all back together. It would never be enough for him to just be her father; he would stop at nothing to get me back. And I had a feeling he would use every dirty play in the book. He might even be able to get part time custody of Lola. He would no doubt threaten something like that if I didn’t go back with him. And I was afraid he’d be well within his legal rights to do it. My God, I’d held the truth about him having a daughter a secret from him all these years. Would a court decide I was perhaps unfit as a mother somehow because of this?

  “I know what you are thinking,” Rosy said. “And I know you have nothing to worry about.”
/>   I looked up at her and smiled weakly.

  “How can you always be so sure everything is going to work out?” I asked. The sound of desperation rang in my voice.

  “Because I’m smart,” Rosy teased.

  I couldn’t hide the laughter that sprang out of me just then. Wow, Rosy was something else. No matter what she always knew what to say to make me feel better.

  But isn’t that what you want?

  The words echoed through my mind. They hung there almost suspended in midair waiting for something to grab them. I could almost see them in front of my aching eyes and the blurry tears that continued to fall.

  I did want to feel better, right? I did want the pain to end. But I couldn’t help wondering if somehow I felt that I deserved the punishment. I was a horrible person for lying to Jake about Lola. I kept telling myself all this time I was doing it to protect her, but was I really doing it to protect me? Was I using my daughter as leverage?

  The thought of that broke my heart even farther. A black abyss of nothingness was welling up inside my chest. I felt intense sharp pain, like the beginnings of the panic attacks I used to get when I was a kid. I grabbed the sides of the table with my hands, gripping hard until my fingers started to turn purple, and focused on my breathing. In and out… deep… that a girl… you got this.

  After a few moments, I began to calm down.

  Wow, that hadn’t happened to me in a long time. Not since right after the accident.

  When I was eight years old my mother and I were broadsided by a drunk driver. Our car flipped over three times. Luckily, we were both wearing our seatbelts and suffered only minor injuries, but the drunk driver was not wearing his belt. He crashed into the windshield of his car and died at the scene.

  After that, I had nightmares almost every night for months. And then I started having the panic attacks. Out of nowhere, I’d be overwhelmed by an impending sense of total doom. There were times when I’d hyperventilate so hard I would pass out cold.