HIS OBSESSION-To Load

by Beck, J. L.

  “I’ll make you feel better…” Lola’s voice was filled with excitement and all I could do was smile because I didn’t want to let her down by telling her there was no cure for a broken heart. I hoped that she never had to experience that. I prayed with all my heart that when she grew up a man like Jake Mathews would never find a way into her heart. This cycle, if that’s what it was, was going to stop with me. I would show my daughter by example.

  “Ummm…” My voice cracked and I wiped away the tears that wouldn’t stop falling from my eyes. I swallowed hard pushing the lump in my throat down farther. “Go get your suitcase; were going on a little trip pumpkin.”

  “Where? Where? Where?” She shouted. Lola was practically bouncing up and down. She was so young and full of idealism and excitement. Oh, I wished I could once again be that innocent.

  “Just… it’s a surprise. Go and get it for Mommy.” I used my motherly tone, turning away from her as I tried to get my wits.

  I had only a small amount of time before Jake came there looking for me, and I knew he would. If that happened, there would be no escaping his grasps. I had to get out while the getting was good.

  A loud pounding on the door suddenly filled the small living space. My hands shook and my heart threatened to burst from my chest. Jake? He couldn’t have gotten there that fast… could he?

  “Open up Mia, it’s me D.” My brother’s voice filtered into my ears overpowering the loud pounding in my ears.

  I sighed heavily, relieved that Jake was not at my door.

  “Whh… What do you want?” I hollered walking slowly to the front door.

  “Just open the Goddamn door, why don’t ya?” Donovan shouted, pounding a fist against the wood. I blinked, licking my lips and wiping away any stray tears that may have been lingering. There was nothing I could do about my red eyes, or runny nose, so I knew I would have to explain something.

  With wobbly hands, I unlocked the door, and pulled it open, my brother’s face coming into view.

  “What the fuck is going on?” He whisper yelled, looking over my shoulder for Lola I was sure.

  “What do you mean?” I tried to remain calm but it was getting harder with every passing second. I had to keep my cool but my panic was getting worse.

  Donovan looked at me with disbelief in his eyes, “Don’t play dumb little Sis. Jake called me. He told me you were supposed to be at the bakery and you weren’t. He wanted me to check and see if you were here at the house.” He was giving me that big brother look that said spill or face the consequences.

  “Uncle D!” Lola squealed, practically running into Donovan’s arms. He picked her up and cradled her against his chest, giving her the biggest hug he could possibly give her.

  “Hey sweet pea. Can me and Mommy finish talking and then I’ll come and play with you?”

  “Yes! But Mommy says were going on a trip somewhere, and it’s a secret…” She whispered the last part, making a smile pull at my lips.

  “Oh really, well you’ll have to tell me all about it.” Donovan’s eyes darkened as he spoke.

  “I will…” She giggled, running away as soon as he placed her on the ground. When she was out of earshot, Donovan started with the questions.

  “Explain yourself right now!” he ordered.

  “We… We got back together and everything was great, until today when I saw him… He was….” A sob wracked my body, causing the words to get stuck in my throat. Telling someone what happened made it that much more real. Every time I tried to open my mouth, I felt like someone was sucker punching me in the gut.

  “What did he do? You know I’ll protect you know matter what. He hurt you once before but never again Mia…Never again. I’ll break his damn face.:” Donovan looked as if he was ready to go into battle for me.

  I didn’t want him to fight a battle that had already been lost. I was surprised to see how much he was willing to stick up for me. It felt like Donovan and I had drifted apart recently and I missed having that brotherly protection in my corner.

  “I watched him… He kissed Sofia. Right outside the hardware store. He was helping her load some stuff in her stupid SUV and then they kissed, and he let her kiss him….” I huffed out a breath I wasn’t aware I had been holding in.

  My brother clenched and unclenched his fists, anger forming in his features. “So what are you doing? Leaving?” I nibbled on my bottom lip for a few moments, unsure as to if I wanted to tell him what it was that I was doing. If anyone knew where I was going, they could tell Jake and then he would come for me.

  “I don’t want to tell you, or anyone for that matter.” I crossed my arms over my shoulders.

  “I’m your big brother Mia. I have a right to know where my little Sister is running off too.” He took the same stance and we stared at each other for a long moment. There was no point in trying to hide it any longer, not when I knew he wouldn’t let me leave unless I told him.

  “Fine. I’m going out to the cabin, where we used to go during the summer out on Lake Kerplunck.” I uncrossed my arms, sighing in defeat.

  “That wasn’t so hard, was it? I won’t tell anyone, especially Jake. I just want you to be safe… You know I love you, Mia.” Donovan separated the space between us, wrapping his arms around my small frame.

  He hugged me like a big brother was supposed to hug his sister, with love and strength wrapped up in his arms.

  “We won’t be gone long. I promise.” Or at least I hoped we wouldn’t be. I didn’t want Lola to spend her entire summer away from her loved ones. I just needed to start making better choices.

  “Take your time, sis. Think of what you want.” Donovan released me fishing his phone from his pocket and typing out a text.

  “I will, and D, please don’t tell him…Please?” I pleaded with him.

  “I won’t Mia.” And I could tell he was telling the truth. For the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel alone when it came to dealing with my feelings about Jake.

  He walked out of the house, closing the door quietly behind him leaving me to do what I needed to do.

  I loved Jake, but I didn’t love him enough to be stuck as a doormat for the rest of my life.

  “Lola, get me your suitcase…” I hollered across the house. I couldn’t cry over this anymore. I needed to be strong. I needed to be me.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Jake

  I was a crazed man on the search for the woman I loved. She couldn’t have left, could she? Questions coursed frantically through my brain. It was eating me up inside. I didn’t know where Mia was; all I knew was that her car was gone, and so were her things.

  “None of it is adding up!” The sting of tears in my eyes made me aware that I was on the verge of a complete meltdown. I was losing it. I’d never come this close to freaking out as I was right then. There had to be a solution. I had to find out where she was and talk to her. What could have happened to make her disappear like that? I guessed this was what Mia might have felt like when I left her without so much as an excuse.

  “I told you that she wasn’t here man.” Donovan’s voice echoed through the house. I lifted my head from my hands, looking up at him through blurry eyes.

  “I know. I just didn’t have anywhere else to go. I’ve looked everywhere. I figured if anyone would have a clue, it would be you. I already called Rosy. She said she didn’t know, but she could have been lying. I just don’t know. I feel so helpless, man.”

  I couldn’t save us if I didn’t even know where to start.

  Donovan had a sour look on his face as he took in my shitty state. “How can you be so upset over something that you caused?”

  I blinked, confusion settling deep into my bones.

  What the fuck was he talking about?

  “I don’t understand dude. How is this my fault? Everything’s been going great. At least I thought so.” I shook my head as if doing so would jar some answer to come forward. An evil smile pulled at D’s lips. He looked sinister staring at m
e the way he was, but I wasn’t scared, I had faced worse in this world.

  “Sofia. The kiss.”

  It hit me like a ton of bricks then. She had seen Sofia kiss me. She must’ve thought… Oh, no. Sophia had done it again. This couldn’t be happening. I had to fix this…

  “It’s not what you think D. I didn’t kiss her.” I shot up from the chair I was sitting in.

  “You expect me to believe you when Mia saw it with her own eyes? I don’t think she made that up. My sister is not that good of a liar, at least not with me.” Donovan raised an eyebrow at me. I could tell he knew a lot more about where Mia was then he was letting on. Yeah, he knew something, something that I had to know.

  “I do, because what Mia saw wasn’t me kissing Sofia; it was Sofia kissing me. I shoved her away D. You know how much Mia means to me. You think I’d risk throwing it away on a skank like Sophia? Really? ”

  He had to believe me. I needed him on my side. If Mia wouldn’t believe me then possibly she might believe her brother. It was all the hope I had left. I was ready to get down on both knees and beg him to tell me whatever it was that he knew. He had to tell me where to find her.

  “You fucking liar…”Donovan growled, his fist landing against the top of my cheek without warning.

  My entire body swayed with the blow and I almost went down. Donovan was a decent sized guy and he could knock you out with a strong blow.

  “You broke her heart once, but a second time, really? You must think I’m a real dumbass or something?” Donovan was shouting now coming towards me menacingly.

  I stood my ground and got myself together. Quickly, I sucked in a long breath of fresh oxygen trying to calm my boiling blood. He wasn’t trying to start a fight; he was just trying to protect Mia. I understood that. I did not want to do this with him right now.

  “I fucking love Mia. I love her so much. I did nothing wrong. Nothing. I’ve been the man she needed, and the father that Lola deserved. I am a changed man. I would never do anything to hurt Mia or Lola ever again. ” I spoke through clenched teeth. I wanted so badly to deck Donovan for that sucker punch. Somehow, I held my rage back and kept myself calm.

  Donovan smirked. He was hearing none of it. He’d already given up on me. I just hoped that somehow, I could still reach Mia and show her I was telling the truth.

  “Yeah right, you need to stay the fuck away from Lola. She deserves more than you anyway.” Donovan hissed pointing his meaty finger in my chest.

  I lost it then. The mention of Lola’s name was the turning point. This bastard was implying that I didn’t love my little girl. I couldn’t take that. That was just too much.

  Before I could stop myself, I had him by the throat, pinned against the far wall. “I won’t stay away from Lola. She’s my fucking daughter. Mine! Just like Mia is mine. I love them both with every single fiber inside of me, with every ounce of life in my soul, and I will do whatever the hell I need to, to prove that to you or anybody else. Do you understand me?” We were nose to nose, and from the look in Donovan’s eyes, I could tell that he got me. He was scared witless. I don’t know how much he believed me about Sophia but he definitely believed me when I said I loved my family and I would rip his throat out if he pushed me again about that.

  Donovan’s face twisted into a mix of confusion and pain. He grunted barely above a whisper. “Wait, did you just say you’re Lola’s father?” He didn’t seem to skip a beat when speaking, so I released him, moving away from him.

  “Yeah. We didn’t want to tell anyone until we were back together for a while, but Lola is mine. Mia got pregnant before I left for Basic Training. She never told me; otherwise I never would’ve gone.” I ran a hand through my hair, while taking in a ragged breath.

  Donovan shook his head, “She lied…. that little asshole. She told all of us she didn’t know who the father was. That she had a fling with some guy over the summer. It makes sense now though…”

  His comment had my blood singing. “Well yeah, she fucking lied. I’m the father and I’m not going to let her run away with Lola. I’m not going to let her leave without fully understanding what happened. I didn’t betray her. She’s fragile and broken, and that’s my fucking fault—I know that, but I wouldn’t ever hurt her again, not like that.” Shame laced my words. I would never be able to take away the pain I had caused Mia, but I could try and ease it. I could make her life easier by being a permanent fixture in it. By taking care of her every single need.

  “Damn it Jake. I promised her I wouldn’t tell you.” Donovan seemed to be the one struggling through his emotions now. The conflict was apparent in his eyes.

  “I would never ask you unless I knew it was the right thing. I love her D. I fucking love her, and I want to make things right with her. I want her to know that I would never hurt her like that. What she saw with Sofia wasn’t what she thought it was. I pushed her away. I told the bitch to get lost for the last time.”

  He sighed, “Alright. She’s at the cabin. The one we went to when we were kids down by Kerplunk Lake.”

  “Thank you D!” I could’ve kissed him. I quickly grabbed my shit and shoved my feet into a pair of sneakers, making a beeline for the door.

  “She’s going to kill me….” Donovan mumbled under his breath.

  “No, she won’t. I’ll explain everything.” I slapped a hand to his back, hoping the little scuffle we got into was behind us. At the end of the day, Donovan was still one of my best friends and I didn’t want something so small to come between all the memories we had made.

  “Let’s hope it works out.” He sighed, running his fingers through his hair.

  I knew him telling me where she went put his neck on the line, but after I spoke to Mia everything would work out. At least I hoped. She had to believe me. I had to find a way to get through to her. I had to let Mia know that nothing happened between Sofia and I and that she was the only one for me in this world.

  I had to make my entire family whole again.

  ***

  The drive to the lake was long, but rather enjoyable. It gave me time to clear my head and run through what exactly it was I was going to say to Mia. I needed an approach because the second I walked through that front door, she was going to tell me to get out, and if what I said didn’t click somewhere inside her head, then she was as good as gone.

  I’d gone through every single scenario I could think of on the drive up, and few of them ended well. Mia had given me every chance in the book and I’d completely blown it. Even though the thing with Sofia wasn’t my fault, looking back on it I could have handled things differently. The moment she came into the store I could have either told her to leave and banned her for life, paying customer or not, or I could have even asked my old man to help her out. There were things that could have been done.

  I hoped Mia could sense my newfound maturity and the way I was looking at things now. I was a changed man. I had a newfound purpose in my life and I wasn’t about to let things go now. I couldn’t go back to being the way I used to be, living the life I used to have. Especially now, after I’d tasted how sweet things could be. Everything now was so perfect.

  No matter what happened I was going to make Mia understand. I had to.

  I was sure she was going to refuse to listen to me and do whatever it took to make me leave. And after everything the odds of winning this that day were probably slim. But I couldn’t think that way. The new Jake Mathews was no quitter.

  I sped up, rounding the corner ahead. I had so many memories of this place with both Mia and Donovan. The boat house where Mia and I would slip off to make out when her parents weren’t looking, and the tire swing that Donovan and I always jumped off of and into the water. In a lot of ways it felt like coming home. Maybe being such a source of so many great memories would have that nostalgic effect on Mia, too.

  I slowed down, shoving the memories to the back of my mind. If I couldn’t get this shit sorted, there would be no new memories to create here. I turned onto th
e dirt road that led up to the cabin. By now Mia knew someone was approaching, you could hear a car a mile down the road before you saw it.

  My hands felt clammy and my stomach was a ball of nerves. God. The air left my lungs as the cabin came into view along with Mia’s car.

  Deep Breaths. Keep it together. I tried to pep talk myself into staying strong. I knew what had to be done. It wasn’t going to be easy but nothing worth having in life really was. That was one of the few lessons my father had actually taught me I’d taken to heart. He wasn’t wrong about everything.

  As I put things into perspective with the mistakes I’d made and the tension that had built between myself and the woman I love I couldn’t help noticing the parallels between Mia and me and the conflict between my dad and I. My father was still just a man and he had made some bad mistakes. So had I. Different mistakes, but mistakes all the same. Some mistakes that we could never take back, but had to learn from and try our best to deal with.

  Maybe there was still hope for me and my dad to sort things out. I know my mother had stopped hating him long ago. She had actually forgiven him. But she knew the trust between them was gone forever and they would never be together again. But still she had forgiven him.

  Why couldn’t I?

  Why couldn’t Mia forgive me?

  One would’ve thought the military taught me discipline and strength but Mia was both of those things to me, and without her by my side, I was a weak, weak man. She was about the only thing in my life that sometimes reminded me that I was also just a man. I was human. Why did I expect myself to be superhuman all the time?

  “Come on Lola!” I heard her yell, just as I parked the bike, killing the engine, and removing my helmet. My thighs felt a bit sore as I stood off the bike and started walking towards the cabin. Gravel crunched beneath my feet as I made my way slowly to the huge front porch of the cabin, where Mia stood. She was standing with her hands on her hips and a look in her eyes that scared me of the possible intent behind them.