Love of a Rockstar

by Nicole Simone

  As I was about to open my mouth, Finn reached into his suit jacket and everything clicked. The wine, the urgency of our meeting tonight, the I love you – they all added up to one thing. Finn was going to propose to me. Panic gripped me by the throat and squeezed the air out of my lungs. I had only gotten comfortable with idea of settling for a quieter love two hours ago. Committing to that for the rest of my life was a whole different enchilada. . My grandmother supposedly settled for dependable with my grandfather but she wasn’t me. Sweat trickled down the back of my neck. I couldn’t humiliate Finn in front of everybody. The poor guy already put his heart on the line once tonight. Maybe it was best I left. I scooted my chair back ready to bolt when he slid a velvet box across the table. I looked down, not ready to face what was inside.

  Finn leaned in closer to me. “Open it, silly.”

  My hands stayed firmly planted in my lap.

  “Fine,” he said. “I’ll open it.” Slowly, his hand covered the small box and lifted the top.

  I held my breath as the box snapped open to reveal…a key? My heart rate slowed down and confusion replaced panic. It looked like an ordinary house key, but Finn had an electric keypad instead of a typical lock for his home.

  He eagerly searched my face. “Have you figured it out yet?”

  “You decided to be a normal human being and get standard locks for your house?” I guessed.

  “No, don’t be ridiculous. I’m ahead of the future, why would I go back?”

  Maybe because somebody could get your fingerprints off a glass and break into your home, I wanted to say. Instead, I shrugged. It was easier than getting into an hour-long argument about our differing opinions on what the wave of the future meant.

  Finn palmed the key. “I’m moving.”

  This wasn’t news to my ears. He had talked about switching neighborhoods for some time now. According to Finn, Queen Anne was getting overrun by bicycle riding hipsters. South Lake Union had more potential for his lifestyle.

  “That’s great. Make sure to find a home with a view of Lake Union. It’s so pretty at night,” I said.

  Finn looked at me, anxious. “I’m not moving to South Lake Union.”

  “Oh, did you decide on somewhere else in Seattle?”

  “No. I’m moving to Paris, and I want you and Nil to come with me,” he blurted out.

  The bread I’d just taken a bite out of got lodged in my throat. Coughing, I smacked my chest to get my airway clear. Once I could breathe again, I looked at him like he was nuts.

  “You want my daughter and me to move with you to Paris?”

  He nodded.

  “Paris Paris?” I clarified in disbelief.

  Finn nodded again. “The one and only.”

  This was way more unexpected than a marriage proposal. Leaning back in my seat, I crossed my arms over my chest. Paris was the city I’d dreamed about living in before I got pregnant and where I wanted to hone my pastry skills. What Finn was offering was a once in a lifetime opportunity for Nil and me. An image of my daughter in a beret made me smile.

  “The meeting I was late to the other day was to discuss opening another branch of Montgomery and Smiths,” Finn explained.

  Shaking off the daydream, I refocused my attention on what he was saying. “But I thought the firm wasn’t doing well,” I said.

  “It’s complicated and involves a lot of legal mumbo jumbo. Basically, a majority of our clients are based in Europe and my firm wants me to head the new branch. This is a huge deal for me, Marlene. Huge,” he emphasized the word ‘huge.’

  “I’m happy for you, but it’s not like you’re asking me to move with you to California. Paris is a twelve hour plane ride away and uprooting Nil from the only life she has known…it’s a big decision. .”

  Finn cast his gaze down at the table. Our waiter appeared with the bottle of wine. Sensing tension in the air, the waiter poured it as quickly as possible and skittered off. The taste of blackberries exploded on my tongue as I took a sip. Honestly, it didn’t taste any better than a five-dollar bottle of sangria. Obviously, I knew nothing about wine.

  Finn inched the black box closer to me. “Of course it is, but all I am asking is for you to consider it.” He took out the key and placed it on my side of the table. “I can provide a good life for you two in Paris and you won’t have to work at another hotel job again. You can roam the streets, searching for the best pastries. Visit the farmers markets with Nil. Teach her French, really whatever you want to do.”

  The statement “whatever you want to do” was music to my ears. For years, I’d lived a life dictated by work and Nil’s schedule. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had a free day. More than that though, restlessness hummed through my veins. I’d lived in the same city since I was born which wasn’t my long term plan. Luke had had his adventure, it was time I had mine.

  BY THE TIME dessert arrived at the table, Finn and I had discussed the logistics of the move. His law firm wanted him there in two weeks but he said I could leave sometime after if I needed a couple more days to pack. With the state my house was in, I probably I needed three months. Nonetheless, moving to Paris was a chance at a fresh start, which meant only two suitcases for Nil and me. Nothing reminiscent of Luke was flying with me to Europe. At the mere thought of his name, the piece of chocolate cake in my mouth became bitter on my tongue.

  “What’s wrong?” Finn questioned. “Is there something wrong with the cake?”

  “Nothing at all. It’s amazing.” To prove my point, I slipped another forkful into my mouth.

  “Good.”

  As I took a sip of water, I attempted to push away the guilt gnawing at the edge of my mind. Luke had no right to become a part of Nil’s and my life now when he wasn’t there in beginning. But then why did it feel as if I was betraying my daughter? According to Luke’s tour schedule, he had never visited Europe in the four years he has been on the road. If I moved us to Paris, Nil would never have a chance to form a relationship with him. Something I knew she desperately wanted.

  “Ready to go?” he asked.

  Finn held out my chair as I gathered my purse and jacket. Walking out of the restaurant, I breathed in the crisp November air. It smelled like change was on the horizon.

  Finn rubbed his hands down my arms and smiled. “I had a nice time tonight.”

  “Me too.”

  He gently pressed his lips against mine. Not an ounce of passion sizzled between us. The kiss was as safe and predictable as Finn.

  Warmth shined in his eyes when he pulled away. “I’ll talk to you soon.”

  When I climbed into my car, I stabbed the radio button on. Luke’s band, The Five Guys, flooded the car with the song that launched their career called “Baby Blue.” Luke wrote it on our bedroom floor one night as a dedication to his unborn daughter. Whenever he would sing the song to my pregnant stomach, Nil would kick constantly until his voiced faded out. He believed it was her way of saying I love you.

  By the time the song ended, I was in front of my parents’ house. Wetness dotted my cheeks. Without fail, “Baby Blue” always brought tears to my eyes, but I could never force myself to turn off the song. In those three minutes and thirty seconds, I was transported back to a moment where everything was right in the world.

  Climbing out of my car, I sloshed through the snow to the wraparound porch where a replica of Santa and Mrs. Clause sat on a bench next to the front door. Ringing the doorbell, I heard the distinct sound of tiny feet on the hardwood floors. My daughter swung open the door in a bathing suit, drenched from head to toe.

  “Hi mommy,” she chirped.

  “Hi sweetie, where’s grandma?”

  Nil looked up at the second story landing. I closed the door and slipped my hand into hers.

  “Lead the way,” I said.

  My mom was in the master bathroom, kneeling beside the Jacuzzi tub. Naked Barbie dolls floated in the water.

  “We are having a pool party,” Nil said as she climbed ba
ck into the warm water. “Do you want to come in?”

  The idea of a hot bath with candles lit and a glass of red wine in my hand sounded immensely relaxing right now. However, a Barbie doll poking me with her plastic feet did not.

  “I’ll have to pass.”

  Nil shrugged. “OK.”

  Picking up her dolls, she made them tiptoe to the ice cream shop, which in real life, was the silver faucet on the tub. It was funny to see how my daughter’s imagination worked compared to mine at her age. My dolls always jetted off to exotic locations on their private jet made out of paper towel rolls.

  “Do you want to sit down?” my mom asked.

  I took a look around at the plush bathroom bathed in creams and pinks. There wasn’t a single hint that my dad shared the room with my mom. No whiskers in the sink or shaving cream on top of the vanity. It looked as if she lived alone, which she kind of did. My dad traveled two weeks out of the month on business trips. When Nil was born, I think my mom was secretly glad, because it was a chance to shower her love on somebody else. And shower she did. My mother bought half of the toys in my living room plus the Barbie dream house in Nil’s room.

  She shot me an amused look. “Too good to sit on the floor?”

  “Nope, watch me.” I shivered as my exposed thighs met the cool tile. Where was a pair of sweatpants when you needed them?

  “How was the date?” She glanced down at my left hand. “I don’t see a ring yet.”

  My mom has had my wedding to Finn planned out since I told her we were seeing each other. I had a feeling though, that moving to Paris with him wasn’t in those plans.

  “I told you, I don’t want to get married,” I said, irritated.

  “Somebody else is going to snatch up that boy if you don’t claim him first.”

  A desperate woman beaming down from outer space, ready to drag her first unsuspecting victim to a chapel flashed into my mind. A giggle escaped my lips.

  “What are you laughing about?” my mom questioned. “It’s no joke.”

  Her voice tore me away from my daydream. “Nothing.” My body longed to be in bed, not on a tile floor while being harassed about marriage. I looked over at Nil to signal it was time to leave. However, she was too immersed in the lives of her dolls to take notice.

  “Five more minutes. Then we’re going home,” I said to my daughter.

  She stopped brushing her Barbie’s hair. “But mommy…”

  I knew that tone better than the back of my hand. She was about to start whining, something I had no patience for tonight. “No Nil. When I say five more minutes, I mean five more minutes.”

  Her bottom lip went back to its normal pre-pout look. “Fine.”

  I scooted my butt up against the vanity table and leaned back. As I stared at my daughter’s face, I took in the features that where most like Luke’s. Her nose, lips, and eyes were uncanny to the father she had never known. It didn’t matter if I moved to the North Pole—as long as Nil was with me, so was Luke.

  “You look tired,” mom said.

  I stifled a yawn. “I feel tired.”

  She gave me one of her famous scrutinizing stares. It was known for making strangers blurt out their deepest darkest secrets.

  “Don’t do that. It doesn’t work on me,” I lied.

  Her eyes narrowed. “You are not telling me something.”

  What Finn told me tonight was for my ears only, at least until I had more time to think about it. Getting up from my position on the floor, I grabbed a towel for Nil and held it open for her.

  “Time to get out.”

  She threw down her Barbies, unhappy playtime had come to an end. When I was done drying her hair, I pointed her in the direction of my parents’ master bedroom.

  “Go get dressed please.”

  Nil stomped out of the bathroom with her arms crossed.

  “You didn’t answer my question,” my mom said when Nil was no longer within earshot.

  “It wasn’t a question,” I answered.

  She let out an impatient sigh. “You’re my daughter. I know when something’s wrong.”

  “Nothing’s wrong.” I plastered a fake smile on my face. “See. I am as happy as a clam.”

  Nil returned before my mom had time to answer. Her shirt was on backwards and her pants inside out. The smile my daughter was sporting told me she did it on purpose. Picking your battles was important when you had kids, and this battle wasn’t worth it. Nil, at four years old, already had a sense of style and sense of humor without my input.

  “Bye mom.” As I leaned in to give her a peck on the cheek she whispered, “When you’re ready to tell me, I’ll be here.”

  I squeezed her hand, grateful for her support. “You always are.”

  Nil fell asleep in the backseat five minutes into the drive home. Normally, I’d cherish the quiet. However, tonight, I needed noise to chase away my all-consuming thoughts. Turning into my driveway, I hoisted Nil out of her booster seat and onto my hip. She was still at an age where she could sleep through anything. Her head rested peacefully against my shoulder as I walked to my front door. I dug my hand into my purse for my keys when I became keenly aware I wasn’t alone. The hairs on the back of my neck stood at attention.

  My grip tightened on Nil and I pressed her tighter against my chest. “Whoever is there, I wouldn’t come any closer,” I whispered ferociously. “I’ll taze the crap out of your balls.”

  Luke appeared out the shadows with his hands in the air. “Marlene it’s me.”

  When he stepped into the light, my stomach turned over. His thin white t-shirt was see-through, revealing his six-pack abs.

  “Sorry, I scared you,” he said.

  At the sound of his voice, Nil stirred in my arms. The last thing I needed right now was for her to wake up. Even half asleep, she would ask more questions than I had answers for.

  Luke looked down at his daughter in awe as if he couldn’t believe Nil was there in the flesh. “She’s beautiful.”

  His words shook the lust free from my mind, bringing my anger to the surface. You would think Luke had never heard of a cell phone since this was the second time he’d shown up at my house unannounced.

  “What are you doing here? I thought I told you we were done,” I said.

  “You said you wanted action, not words.”

  “So, what? You’re going to keep showing up until I forgive you?”

  He shrugged, indicating that was exactly his plan. Sometimes, Luke’s stupidity baffled me. Persistence didn’t show me he was ready to become the father Nil deserved. Hopefully, there was a plan b up his sleeve.

  “Look, I fucked up,” he said. I rolled my eyes at the understatement of the year. Anguish lined his face as his hands came together in a pray position. “But please don’t take away my chance to form a relationship with our daughter. Please Marlene, I am begging you.”

  I guess plan b was to beg, and shockingly, I felt myself soften to his request. “I’ll think about it,” I said.

  Although it wasn’t a yes, Luke beamed from ear to ear. “Thank you. You won’t regret it.”

  “I said I’ll think about it. Don’t get your hopes up.”

  “It’s a start though which is better than an end.”

  A grin tugged at my lips. “You’re quite the poet, aren’t you?”

  “I try.”

  Digging my keys out of my purse, I opened the front door and turned back around to say goodbye.

  Luke stared intently at Nil. “Can I kiss her good night?”

  My words got swallowed in a sea of emotion as I nodded. He stepped over to her and placed a light kiss against her hair.

  Pulling back, he laid his hand on her head. “I am sorry sweet girl, I’ll never leave you again,” he murmured.

  The next morning after a restless sleep, I had come to a decision about Luke and what part he would play in Nil’s and my lives. It was obvious he wanted to get to know his daughter. However at the end of the day, her welfare was the hig
hest priority. I couldn’t guarantee he wouldn’t walk out of our lives again, but fifteen years from now if Nil asked why she’d never met her father, I didn’t want to say because I was scared of the unknown. Grabbing my cellphone off the nightstand, I dialed Luke’s number. To my relief, I got his voicemail.

  “Hey, it’s me. Meet Nil and me at Pancakes Etc. in an hour.”

  WHEN I OPENED the door to the café, the smell of roasting coffee beans wafted out, and I was hit with a strong sense of déjà vu. Back in high school, I spent every Sunday morning at Pancakes Etc. with Camille in the corner booth. We’d stuff our faces with cinnamon rolls and gossip about everything under the sun. Once Luke landed in the picture, my visits became less frequent until I stopped coming all together. During grad school, Camille turned our high school spot into her new study lounge. She spent four days a week here, which didn’t usually include today, but after I called her and told her about Luke, Camille made an exception. Nil tugged on my t-shirt, directing my gaze down to her.

  “Can I have chocolate chips in my pancakes with extra whipped cream?” she asked.

  “Sure, you can have extra chocolate chips, too.”

  Her eyes lit up. “You’re the best mommy ever.”

  My daughter’s comment sent the guilt I was feeling into overdrive. She had no idea her dad would enter her life today, because I didn’t tell her. I figured we would deal with it when Luke showed up at the café and the sugar rush Nil felt by that point would take away some of the confusion. Honestly though, I was swimming blind. We walked over to the back booth and joined Camille. Closing her textbook, she gave us her undivided attention.

  “I can get pancakes with chocolate, whipped cream, and caramel sauce,” Nil announced.

  My best friend shot me a questioning look over my daughter’s head. “Is that so?”

  “No caramel sauce, just chocolate chips and whipped cream,” I corrected.

  My daughter wiggled in her seat, anxious for sugar. Flagging over the waitress, I ordered Nil breakfast and made the pancakes whole wheat. I didn’t want to put her in a diabetic coma.