Love of a Rockstar

by Nicole Simone

  “Mommy, can I get some crayons?” she asked.

  “Sure, but come right….”

  As soon as she heard the yes part, Nil jumped out of the booth. Her little legs propelled her to the front of the café where a waitress handed her the colors she wanted.

  Camille placed her hand on my arm. “How you doing?”

  “Not so good. Somebody should write a book on how to properly handle this. I mean, there are books for everything, even how to poop.”

  “Hey, that’s a good book. I wouldn’t have survived being one without it,” she joked.

  A smile flashed over my face, and for a moment I forgot my troubles. Until, I glanced over at Nil who was busy comparing a blue crayon to a purple one. Groaning, I buried my head in my hands.

  “A latte with soy milk and a cinnamon roll.” I looked up to see a waitress set the pastry and the steaming mug on the table.

  Confused, I glanced up at the waitress, then to Camille. “Did you order…?”

  My question trailed off when I noticed the goofy smile Camille was wearing. I followed her gaze to behind the coffee bar. A man with wavy blonde hair and a lip ring was the recipient of her affection.

  “You have a crush,” I shrieked.

  She looked sideways at me as a bright red blush heated her cheeks. “No I don’t.”

  “Don’t lie. Why haven’t you said anything?”

  Popping a piece of cinnamon roll in her mouth, she shrugged. I patiently folded my hands in my lap and waited for her to swallow. She wasn’t going to get off that quick.

  “You’ve been busy with Luke. Besides, it’s nothing,” Camille said.

  I’ve only seen that lovesick look once from my best friend. Back in college, she dated a guy named Rick who was a complete d-bag. He treated her as if she were nothing better than the bottom of his shoe. Camille, however, was smitten. They were a couple for two months until she found him in bed with her roommate. He claimed he didn’t do anything wrong, because they weren’t exclusive. That fateful night three years ago was when she went out and bought Romancing the Stone. Fantasy killed the pain.

  “Does he have a name?” I asked.

  “Jonathan.”

  The way she said it all breezy like, further convinced me Camille was a goner.

  “And you’ve gone out with him?”

  “No.”

  Extracting information from her was like pulling teeth. I sighed and bit the inside of my cheek.

  “Why not?”

  Camille lowered her voice. “He’s a barista. I need a man with a career. Not a job.”

  I scoffed. “That’s ridiculous.”

  “Maybe to you, but not to me.”

  Nil climbed into the booth, brushing her thigh against mine. She held a dozen crayons in her fist with a look of pure joy.

  “Mommy! I got one of each color.”

  “That’s so great, sweetie.” I pushed the tablemat, which was paint by numbers, in front of her. “Can you figure out the picture?”

  Her mouth set into a hard line. “I’m not a baby. I want to draw.”

  I flipped the tablemat to the blank side. “Go for it.”

  With her tongue sticking out the side of her mouth, she set to work.

  “You know, not everybody has it figured out by the time they’re twenty-four,” I said to Camille.

  Her attention flitted to the entrance. “Luke is here.”

  Not ready for what was about to happen, I asked her to repeat herself. She nodded to the front door. Luke’s long brown hair was slightly damp from the rain, and it clung to the back of his neck. His blue eyes searched the cafe until they landed on mine. No matter how many times I saw him, he always took my breath away. The man was gorgeous with a capital G.

  “Oh,” I breathed.

  “I’ll leave you three alone,” Camille said.

  At the sound of her voice, the spell broke. I couldn’t be left alone with Luke. I needed my best friend. Reaching out to grab her hand, my eyes went wide with panic.

  “No, don’t leave.”

  “You’ll be fine. If you need anything, I’ll be right over there.” Camille pointed to a table near the window.

  I gave her a shaky nod. “OK.”

  As soon as she left, Luke approached our booth and smiled tentatively at our daughter. “Hey Nil.”

  In the four years I’d raised her, I’d played this moment over a million times in my head—what Nil would say, how she would react—but nothing prepared me for the reality of what was about to happen.

  MY DAUGHTER, ABSORBED in her drawing, didn’t glance up. Luke shoved his hands in his pockets and waited for a response that clearly wasn’t going to happen. It was our fault; Luke and I should have planned out this meeting. As I was about to ask if he wanted to step outside for a moment, a woman with long blonde hair approached the table. Even though it was the middle of November, she wore a low cut top and jean shorts with bright red rain boots. Groupie was written on her forehead. Before she could open her mouth, Luke cut her off with a sharp glance.

  “What do you want me to sign?” he asked.

  The groupie gave me a look under her fake eyelashes before returning her attention to Luke. “Why don’t you come to the bathroom and I’ll show you?”

  Seriously? I looked around to see if anybody else was witnessing this. This blonde slut didn’t know Luke from a hole in the wall and yet she was propositioning him for sex just because he was famous. My hands balled at my sides ready to punch her perfect little nose.

  Luke shook his head, disgusted. “I am with my daughter. Please leave.”

  Her gaze slid over to Nil and me then back to Luke. She shrugged. “OK, your loss.”

  I shot daggers at her back as she flounced away, probably in search of another famous musician to latch onto.

  “Does that happen often?” I asked Luke.

  “No, they usually aren’t that bold.”

  Thank god because if that did happen often, I couldn’t be held responsible for my actions. Luke wasn’t mine anymore but he was the father of my child. That had to count for something, right?

  Nil suddenly stopped drawing and titled her head up at Luke. “Who are you?”

  Like a deer caught in headlights, he stared at her, panicked. He was just as much at a loss as I was on how to reveal he was her father. Like my mother always said, when in doubt, ease into the situation.

  I leaned in and laid my hand on Nil’s arm. “This is mommy’s friend Luke.”

  “I thought Camille was your only friend.”

  Leave it to a four year old to reveal the harsh truth. When I was in high school, there were a couple of girlfriends I called my best friends, but they fell out of touch when I got pregnant.

  “He’s a new friend. Why don’t you scoot over so that you guys can talk and maybe become friends as well?” I suggested

  Already her interest in the conversation had waned. She grabbed a pink crayon and resumed coloring in the princess she had drawn.

  “No, thank you,” she said politely. “I have enough friends.”

  Luke flinched as grief shined brightly in his eyes. My hands yearned to reach out to comfort him but that wasn’t my place anymore.

  “You can never have enough friends Nil,” I said.

  Absorbed in adding yellow hair to the princess, she didn’t hear me. Sighing, I leaned back against the booth and shot Luke an apologetic look.

  Sticking his hands in his pockets, he gave me a defeated nod. “I am going to order a coffee.”

  I watched him walk to the counter with his signature stride. No matter how badly he was hurting, he never let his emotions show outwardly for more than a couple of seconds. He had an image to maintain. Nil quietly hummed to herself, completely unaware of the consequences her words had.

  “Nil, can you please stop drawing for a second?” I asked.

  She glanced over at me with a serious expression. “There’s no stopping when it comes to art.”

  I bit the inside of m
y cheek to hold back the laughter. I had a pretty good idea where she’d heard that. Her kooky art teacher, Mrs. Boyd, believed artwork had living souls.

  “Picasso, put down your crayons,” I said.

  She did as I said, deeply sighing in the process. Easing into this conversation was harder than I thought. How can you make a four year old understand that her father has re-entered her life? Stories about magical busses were over. It was time for the truth.

  “You know that man who I said was my friend?” I asked.

  Nil nodded earnestly. “He has long hair like a girl.”

  I laughed at her observation. When I first met Luke, his hair was buzzed due to a bet he lost. He was the only guy I knew who could rock either hairstyle. My preference was on the long side though.

  I stole a glance over at Luke. “He does, but I think he’s rather handsome.”

  “Boys are yucky.”

  Luke handed the money to the barista who giggled at something he said. A hot poker of envy stabbed me in the gut. I wanted to be the recipient of his smile.

  “Mommy.” Nil whined. “I want to draw. Can I draw?”

  Focusing my attention back to the matter at hand, I wiped my sweaty palms onto my jeans. “Yes in a minute but I need to tell you something.” I took a deep breath. “Remember when you told me that the papa bear comes home when the snow has melted?”

  “Yes.”

  “Right, well look outside and tell me what you see?”

  Her little body flung itself over the table as if her father was outside, unaware he was a few feet from her. Disappointment registered on her face when she saw there was nothing on the other side of the window but a liquor store.

  “Do you see any snow?” I prompted.

  “No.”

  “Because you were right Nil, your dad did come home when the snow melted and he is right over there.” I pointed to Luke at the counter.

  Her nose scrunched up, baffled. “But you said he was your friend.”

  I swung my arm over her shoulders and hugged her from the side. “Yes he is my friend but he is also your dad.”

  Nil quietly processed the bombshell I dropped on her. When the silence became too much, I took her tiny hand in mine.

  “Do you have any questions?” I prodded.

  “Am I still going to live with you?” she asked in a hushed voice.

  “Of course honey. If anything, this means you’ll have two houses now. Won’t that be fun?

  Nil bit her bottom lip. “Does Luke have a house on the beach like Aubrey’s dad?”

  I had no idea where Luke lived, let alone, if it was anywhere near a beach. It dawned on me I knew very little about the man he’d grown to become. Looking up, I saw him approach the booth with a mug of coffee in his hand.

  “Why don’t you ask him?”

  “Ask me what?” Luke inquired.

  At the sound of his voice, Nil huddled closer to my side and shyly looked at him from underneath her eyelashes.

  “Go on, tell your dad what you want to know,” I encouraged.

  Luke’s body radiated with joy when he heard the word dad. And if people weren’t around, there was no doubt in my mind, he would have broken out in a jig. He slid into the booth next to her.

  “You want to hear a story?” he asked.

  Our daughter nodded. With the go ahead, Luke launched into a story about the time he visited India and met a real live princess. Whether it was true or not, it didn’t matter. Nil was spellbound.

  “And as my car was about to pull away, the princess handed me a charm in the shape of an elephant, and told me to never forget the life I was destined to live,” Luke finished.

  The shyness now forgotten, Nil lurched forward in her seat. “Do you still have it?” she asked.

  “Of course. Do you want me to show it to you?”

  He pulled a slim chain out from underneath his shirt; the elephant trinket glinted in the light. Nil’s expression of pure awe, matched my own. Luke had been on far greater adventures than I imagined.

  He unclasped it from his neck. “Turn around.”

  With Nil’s back facing him, Luke gently lifted her hair off her shoulders and secured the necklace around her throat. With a glint of wonder in her eye, our daughter laid her hand over the elephant charm.

  “I’ll never take it off,” she whispered.

  To be able to witness the bond forming between Nil and her father turned my heart upside down. There was no doubt it was the right choice letting her meet him but now I had to deal with what would happen if we moved to Paris. A problem for another day, I supposed. My cell phone vibrated in my pocket, and I reached in to answer it.

  “Hello?”

  “Marlene, you need to come into work. We’re short on staff,” my manager barked.

  Robert was a man of few words with a personality that bordered on asshole. The big annual Christmas bonuses he handed out every year were the only reason people tolerated him.

  I sighed, “Now isn’t the best time.”

  “Great, thanks. Be here in fifteen minutes,” he ordered, ignoring what I said.

  The sound of silence on the other end had me shaking my head in disbelief. I wished I were leaving for Paris tomorrow so that I didn’t have work for Robert any longer. Creating wedding cakes in my small Parisian kitchen would be a dream come true.

  Luke’s eyes crinkled with concern. “Everything alright?”

  “It was just my stupid boss. He needs me to come into work.”

  “Mommy works a lot,” Nil piped in.

  I pinched the bridge of my nose. Grandma Doris couldn’t watch Nil until four o’clock, which was five hours from now. I would ask Camille for help, but she was awful with kids. And my mother donated her time at the children’s hospital on Thursdays. Robert hated it when I brought Nil to work, but it looked as if I had no other choice. It wasn’t like I could leave her at the coffee shop by herself.

  “Guess what sweetie?” I said cheerfully. “You’re going to spend a couple of hours with me at work.”

  My optimistic tone didn’t fool her.

  “I don’t want to.” Frowning, she fiddled with her necklace. “It’s so boring there.”

  Sometimes, I saw glimpses of what the future would hold with a sixteen year old Nil. There would be a whole lot of stubbornness and slammed doors. It exhausted me just thinking about it.

  Luke jumped to the rescue. “I can take her.”

  I turned to him. “Really?”

  “Yeah, I’m free for the rest of the day. We can visit the zoo.”

  Mentioning the zoo in Nil’s presence was never a good idea. . We had an awful experience there last year involving a monkey throwing his poo at her.

  “Nooo, I don’t want to go!” she yelled, burying her head into my stomach. “Monkeys are mean.”

  Baffled at her negative reaction, Luke attempted to put a smile back on Nil’s face. “OK then how about we get ice cream?”

  “It’s too cold outside.”

  He gave me a desperate glance over Nil’s head as if I knew what would make her happy. The problem was sometimes our daughter got in these moods where nothing could console her. She wanted to fight the world.

  “Jellybean, what do you want to do?” I asked.

  Her bottom lip jutted out. “I don’t know.”

  Sneaking a peek at my watch, I saw I had twelve minutes to get halfway across town. Luke probably didn’t want to be left alone with a pouty child but too bad. It was about time he saw what the title “parent” really meant. I grabbed my jacket and slid out of the booth. Nil skittered out after me.

  “Mommy where are you going?” she questioned.

  I bent down on one knee, eye level with her. “Work, but you will get to hang with your dad while I am gone. Won’t that be fun?”

  Tears gathered in the corner of her eyes, indicating a full-blown meltdown was on the horizon. Today was an overwhelming day for her and if I could stick around I would, but responsibility called. Nonetheles
s, maybe Luke wasn’t the best person to watch over her today. Camille caught my eye and without a word understood exactly what I needed. Closing her textbook, she approached our booth.

  “Hey Luke,” she said.

  He smiled warmly up at her. “Hey Camille, it’s nice to see you. You look good.”

  “Thanks.”

  Camille and Luke had clashing personalities but they put their differences aside because they had one thing in common. Me. And for that I was grateful.

  I tucked a strand of blonde hair behind Nil’s ear. “Do you want to hang out with Camille instead and play Barbies?”

  She gave me a watery nod. With that settled, I rose back up and slipped on my coat.

  “At four o’clock, Doris will come by the house to watch her. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to call,” I told Camille.

  I looked over at Luke to apologize for the change in plans. The shattered expression on his face told me he wasn’t happy about it.

  “I’ll walk you to your car,” he said to me.

  On the way out the door, Luke stopped and smiled at Nil. “It was nice to meet you.”

  She timidly avoided eye contact by fiddling with the necklace Luke gave her. “You too.”

  He hesitated a second. A thousand unsaid words hung between them. He seemed to come to the conclusion that action not words would repair their relationship as he followed me outside with one fleeting glance back at his daughter. The short walk to my car was done in silence.

  “This is me,” I said, stopping in front of the car.

  Whenever something weighed heavily on Luke’s mind, he tapped his fingers against his pants leg, which was exactly what he was doing right now.

  “She will warm up to you.” I soothed. “But you couldn’t except it to happen in an hour. In her eyes, you’re a stranger.”

  Luke’s fingers stopped tapping. “Thanks for reminding me of that Marlene,” he bit out.

  While his anger was directed at me, the person he was truly mad at was himself. I opened the car door and climbed inside. Sticking my key in the ignition, the old beetle coughed to life.

  “You made your bed Luke, now you have to sleep in it,” I said, right before closing the door.