Hidden Heart

by Camelia Miron Skiba

  Tessa stood. Alessandro did the same.

  “Here, take this.”

  He gave her a small, black square box. She opened it and looked at the object inside, then at him then back at the object.

  “I’d rather have you stay at my place while I’m gone. I had this spare key made a week go, but couldn’t find the right time to give it to you.”

  Her rapid breaths and the look on her face must’ve been expressive because he continued right away, “I understand you aren’t ready to move in with me; I’m not pressuring you to do anything that you aren’t comfortable with, but let’s make a compromise here.” He closed his eyes, keeping them shut for a moment, sighed, then opened his eyes again, while his warm palms held her shoulders, rubbing them tenderly. He looked at her and spoke in a soft voice, “Tessa…from the moment I first saw you in that cable car a year ago, I felt a strong attraction for you. I tried to forget you, but you kept haunting my days and nights no matter how hard I wanted to get you out of my mind. And then, I found you again, and I am here with you and I can’t allow anything or anyone to harm you.”

  Alessandro took her head between his hands and stroked her cheeks with his thumbs. She turned her head slightly, put her left hand on top of his and kissed the inside of it. She couldn’t control the tears filling her eyes, but she didn’t care. This was the closest thing to a love declaration since they got together and happiness almost choked her.

  “Okay, if this would give you peace of mind, I will spend the night at your home while you are gone.”

  “That’s my girl,” he said and scooped her in his arms.

  ***

  “Call me when you get there.” Tessa blew him a kiss.

  “I will, promise,” Alessandro said and walked towards the security. His plane would depart in less than an hour and a half. He waived one more time before disappearing behind the sliding doors.

  Tessa left the Otopeni International Airport, but instead of going back to Alessandro’s place as she promised, she drove to the same old bodega on the other side of Bucharest where she met Mr. Popescu the other day. He called her earlier that Sunday and told her his brother-in-law agreed to meet with her.

  She’d do anything just to take her mind off the abortion scheduled for the next morning. After Alessandro offered her the key to his apartment she decided not to tell him about the baby. It was hers and dragging him into the story seemed like a bad idea. It was her sin, her cross to bear.

  The stench of alcohol and smoke hit her the minute she entered the jam-packed bodega. She forced herself not to gag by taking small breaths, while her eyes tried to adjust to the dim lights and locate the farmers. She saw them in a corner and she rushed to their table.

  “Thank you for coming,” she said and took a seat. “I will not waste your time, here is my document.” She placed the document on the table. Her heart raced and her hands shook.

  The two farmers exchanged looks. Mr. Vasile pulled a wrinkled paper out of his pocket and smoothed it with both hands, then placed it on the table in front of her.

  She looked at the papers, read them and read them again. Something wasn’t right. Indeed both documents had her signature, yet the price didn’t match.

  “I don’t understand. The price is different.”

  Mr. Popescu sighed, exchanged another look with his brother-in-law and said, “You know, Ms. Cosma, we’ve been through so much and we’re scared for our families, but since that witch is gone, maybe things will change for us in our community.”

  He shook his head, took a big gulp of vodka and continued, “You negotiated a price with us and you gave us the money according to the contract. But before we left the notary’s office, if you remember, we had to get the documents sealed and stamped, which was done in a different room. There, the notary took the contracts and replaced them with others saying the exchange rate dropped and actually we needed to pay back some of the money. None of us are educated; we have no idea what an exchange rate means, how banks work. We just don’t have a way to work our land anymore. We are a bunch of people that have worked all our life to make a better life for our children.” He leaned in his chair, took his glass and drank it to the bottom. His brother-in-law nodded at him and drank his vodka to the bottom, too.

  Tessa finally understood. The notary played her and she fell for it. She lied about the contracts being damaged and used the second set of contracts to keep the difference between the original price and the one given to the farmers. Was she the one behind the letter accusing her of fraud? Why did she try to destroy Tessa’s reputation and her career? How many other companies did she rip off? Should she talk to Daniel and warn him about this diabolical woman?

  She shivered at the thought of contacting Daniel, but it infuriated her to let the notary go unpunished for her crimes. But that wasn’t her main concern now. She needed to talk to Victor and tell him the truth. Then they could figure out a plan to see if involving the authorities would help in finding the notary and getting her to return the money.

  She left the bodega and drove to Victor’s house.

  “You can’t get enough of me at work, so you start paying house visits?” Victor said when she walked into the house.

  He showed her to his office, closed the door behind and invited her to sit. Out of nowhere, he handed her a glass of whiskey and whispered, “If Dina comes in, you have to say it’s yours.” He took it from her hand, drank a little, then handed her back the glass.

  “Victor, I’m not in the mood,” she said, put the glass on his desk, and handed him the two contracts.

  “Can I smoke a cigar? You know, since the heart attack, she’s watching me like a hawk,” he whispered again without looking at the papers.

  “Why, you think if Dina comes in she’d think I smoke, too? Seriously, you’re looking for trouble.”

  “Man, you’re in a bad mood today, what ticked you off so bad?”

  “Read.”

  She slumped in her chair and rested her elbows on her knees pressing her hands together against her lips. She felt nauseous and dizzy. She hadn’t had anything to eat since breakfast and the stench from the bodega clung to her clothes, her skin, her hair.

  “Why are there two contracts with two different sums for the same person?” Victor’s brows bridged in a frown.

  Tessa stood and cleared her throat.

  Truth time.

  “The notary called me the day before paying the farmers and told me the documents had been damaged by a flood in her office. I went and signed a second set of contracts without reading them. It turned out she took the originals and swapped them and extorted the farmers, offering them a story about exchange rate dropping. Since none of them knew what that was, they took the fake contracts, the little money left and went about their business.

  “It turned out she is one influential person in their community and everyone fears her, or actually her father, who is the mayor of Otopeni. That’s why no one wanted to tell us why they were so angry with us; because they thought we worked hand in hand with her. And this is not all; she disappeared several days ago and no one has any idea where she might be. Probably she took the money and fled the country. She’d never have to work or worry again.”

  Victor’s face reddened and a vein on his forehead threatened to explode. She knew that sign very well, the sign of fury. His mouth fell open when the door swung open and Dina entered with a tray. The room filled with the smell of fresh baked apple pie mixed with the smell of coffee and green tea.

  Tessa’s mouth watered instantly.

  “Tessa dear, so good to see you.” She placed the tray on Victor’s desk and turned to hug Tessa. She offered her a plate and a mug with green tea, then did the same for Victor, but instead of tea she gave him a cup of coffee.

  “Now, if you plan on yelling at her, I warn you, I’m not taking you to the hospital.” She pointed a finger at his chest and raised her eyebrows. “She did something stupid, but there is always a solution.”

&nb
sp; Victor looked at his wife and tried again to say something, but she pointed at the pie and hurried him to eat.

  “Dina, it’s more than that…” Tessa managed to say. She placed her pie untouched on the table and shook her head. “I don’t know how to solve this mess. I should’ve never signed those contracts without reading them, it’s illegal and I’m taking full responsibility.” She looked at Victor’s pained face and his disappointment tore her heart. “Victor, I’m so sorry, so sorry…you have every right to fire me…I don’t deserve to be trusted, I screwed up, big time.”

  Chapter 10

  This was it. The abortion was scheduled for the next morning. Tessa felt as if the time just flew by; she needed more time to get ready, to be in the right state of mind. What was the right state of mind? Did such a thing exist?

  Alessandro’s apartment felt empty without him there, but she promised she’d stay at his place while he traveled to Italy. After leaving Victor’s house, she went by her apartment to grab her bag with the items the doctor suggested she’d bring: pajamas, robe, towels, house shoes, socks, tampons.

  And money.

  Lots of money. She made money envelopes with a “D” for the doctor or an “N” for the nurse; easier for her to hand them out when the need arose. The more money in each envelope, the better the service and care.

  This bribery spawned from the beginnings of communism and still continued—though the Communist Government no longer existed—as the standard practice when visiting a doctor’s office, no matter what the procedure. The more complicated the surgery or consult or exam, the more money necessary. This practice was intrinsic throughout Romanian society—whether a doctor, police officer, teacher, dentist, fireman. It irritated Tessa that all these people had a regular paycheck once a month and all of them would argue that they were doing it because they were underpaid.

  Tessa finished packing and as she prepared to leave her living room she saw the last book her mama had given her resting on a bookshelf. She’d seen “Gone with the Wind” so many times, she could easily recite parts of it. But the book, she’d never read. It was an older English version, with a hardcover and a dust jacket and delicate yellowish pages. She remembered her mama’s glowing face the evening they had returned from the theater and she handed her the book, nicely wrapped in gift paper, and how excited she had been to finally offer it to her.

  Tessa picked up the book and tears blurred her vision. She hugged it to her chest as if it was made of crystal and closed her eyes. She could almost feel her mama’s soft touch, running her fingers over the book’s cover. She opened her eyes and browsed through the book. It would be a good way of distracting herself while waiting for the doctor.

  A white envelope fell out of it, drifting to the floor. It was the envelope her mama left for her, similar to the one Octavia and Chiara received as well. Tessa had never read it. She came home after the funeral and put it away, then forgot about it.

  Maybe now was the right time to read it.

  She sighed and inserted the envelope back between the pages. She’d read it when she got to the doctor’s office in the morning; something to look forward to.

  An overwhelming mixture of feelings kept her awake almost all night. She went through all of them: fear, anxiety, guilt, sadness, shame, worry… She cried, wrung her hands, paced the room, curled up on the floor, then stood and paced again. The emotional horror she underwent through the night left her exhausted. She finally fell asleep, only to hear the alarm within a few minutes.

  She hardly recognized herself in the bathroom mirror. She looked like a ghost, with large dark circles under her eyes, pale and tired. She took a quick shower, twisted her hair up into a bun and dressed. No food or liquids as the doctor directed. A violent trembling came over her and when she tried to call a cab, she had to dial the number twice until she had it right, then she needed to repeat several times the address until the operator understood her.

  Alessandro had called her and she had to pretend she was okay. But she was far from being okay. She was a mess. She was miserable. Facing a firing squad would feel better than what she was about to do. But she had to remind herself the baby didn’t have a place in her life, not now and not ever.

  “Please have these forms filled out, and sign here and here then come and see me,” the receptionist said when she entered the clinic.

  Tessa put her bag on a nearby chair and took the forms. She shook so badly that she had to hold the papers with both hands. She forced herself to read and understand the content, signed robotically, then returned the documents to the receptionist. She was told to have a seat and she’d be called shortly.

  Tessa finally looked around her. She had been there before, when she scheduled her abortion. The small reception area had chairs along two parallel white walls, a long coffee table in between, two plants in each corner by the window and lots of magazine. Two other women sat across from her, either reading or pretending to read. No one looked at her.

  Her palms hurt; she looked down to see her white knuckles gripping tightly around the bag’s handles. She opened her palms and saw the angry, red, deep marks left by her own nails. She felt dizzy; her heart could easily compete with a racecar, a roaring in her ears.

  Breath, in and out…everything will be all right…it will soon be over…

  “Miss Cosma, hello?” The nurse’s face close to Tessa’s made her jump. The nurse straightened and said, “Miss Cosma, please follow me.” Her words penetrated Tessa’s panic.

  Tessa stood and followed her into an adjacent room; tiny, white and unwelcoming. The furniture consisted of a bed in the middle, a chair on one side and a nightstand on the other side; an IV pole nearby with two serum bags already hanging over. White plastic shutters covered the windows.

  A chill crept down her spine and the trembling began again. She couldn’t stop her teeth from chattering and only nodded at the nurse when she told her to get undressed, the doctor would soon come to see her. She undressed and arranged each piece of her garments with infinite care, in an attempt to prolong the time she had left. She put on the robe and socks the nurse gave her and crawled underneath the bedcovers. She closed her eyes.

  What am I doing here? Why can’t I just keep the baby?

  “Hello, Miss Cosma, let’s see if you are ready for the surgery. Are you nervous?”

  She flinched, hearing the doctor’s voice. When had he entered the room?

  “Okay. I see you opted for the general anesthesia,” the doctor said, skimming through papers. “We’ll keep you in after the procedure for a few hours, just to make sure you aren’t bleeding too much and no infection occurs. You could bleed for several days, sometimes passing blood clots, but let us know immediately if it’s too heavy. The breast discomfort may take longer, but it should subside within a few days. You may feel some cramps, like you’re having your regular period, for one or two days, but remember to take it easy. No strenuous activity like heavy lifting or sports; no alcohol while taking the antibiotics. No sexual activity for about two weeks until the first checkup. Make sure you make your appointment before you leave.”

  Tessa nodded and blinked quickly. A nurse checked her vitals. Another looped a rubber band around her upper arm, touched the inside of her elbow then poked her vein and hooked her to the IV. Needles. She hated needles. The doctor said something, which the first nurse marked in Tessa’s chart. Everyone knew the drill, moving around her bed mechanically, but no one made eye contact with her. Empty faces. Tessa answered questions and handed each one of them an envelope. Everyone forced a smile at her, and then left. They’d be back in thirty minutes to take her to the operating room.

  Left alone, Tessa took the book out of her bag, opened it and gently ran her finger under the flap of the envelope, careful not to tear such a precious memento. She immediately recognized her mama’s handwriting. She pressed the letter to her heart as if the gesture could bring her mama back for just one more moment, now when she needed her more than ever.
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br />   She began reading.

  My dear and beloved daughter,

  Today is a cold, but beautiful day. It’s snowing as I look out the window. Everything is covered in white; it snowed all night and I doubt will stop anytime soon. My thoughts are with my girls; my beautiful and wonderful daughters God has blessed me with. Last night I talked with Chiara, then with Octavia. They both told me they are happy and content with their lives, and their decisions to leave the country long ago, but heartbroken and guilty for leaving me behind. I told them both that, as long as they are happy, I am happy for them. The distance is difficult at times, but the thought of them being happy is all that matters and what helps me go on with my life. What could be more precious than hearing your children say that they are happy? Of course this happiness has a price we all pay, the price of being so far away one from another…but what doesn’t a mother sacrifice for her kids to be happy and in the place they want to be? We give up everything and we get back a drop lost in an ocean, but this drop is filled with love, happiness and joy and this one drop helps us live each and every day away from the loved ones. Then you, Tessa, my youngest one came and had dinner with me. When I look at you I see a strong (sometimes stubborn), beautiful and kind woman. You are and will always be the baby of the family…God, I love my daughters with such intensity, sometimes it’s hard to bear.

  The day you read this letter I will not be around to see you anymore. I hope my letter will give you strength and peace for the years to come. What I will reveal in these lines will probably come as a shock to you, but I cannot leave before telling you the truth. I also know that you’ll get sad and angry with me. I deserve it all. But before you judge me and throw this letter away, please do remember I loved you with all my heart until the moment I closed my eyes.