Hidden Heart

by Camelia Miron Skiba

  My marriage with your daddy was a good one. Not the type of marriage I wanted, but sometimes the life we dream of is not the life we make and sometimes it plays out differently than we had dreamed or wanted. It has been difficult and tough to survive it at times. But we managed. We managed to stay together against all odds. We managed to raise the three of you; not offering you much materially, but surrounded you with love, care and tenderness, as much as we could and had to offer. You know, he did love all of us—your father—to the best of his ability and tried hard to provide and protect his family. He had a difficult time showing his love and he came across a bit stiff and stern, but he did love his girls.

  Five years after we married, our relationship began to crumble. I married for all the wrong reasons; I felt trapped and alone in a marriage with a man I never could bring myself to love, no matter how much I tried. I’m not making excuses for myself; I just want to make sure you understand my circumstances.

  I met another man and fell in love with him against my better judgment and reasonability. This man opened my eyes; taught me what truly being in love meant and gave me one of the best presents I have ever received. I tried so hard to stop the way I felt, but wasn’t strong enough to tell my heart no. For the first time in my life I felt what it meant to be in love. I lived a life of duplicity; I am not proud of myself, but I paid for my mistakes. I considered divorcing, but you probably know what it meant back then to get divorced. I told your daddy about my affair, but he refused to divorce and said we had to stay together if not for us, at least to offer the girls a complete family. We never made love again.

  I mentioned earlier something about a present. I hope to God you are strong enough to further read my confession. I’m aware that it will cause a shock to you, but please try to understand that I fought tooth and nail for that not to happen… my heart was stronger and won the fight and I paid dearly for the consequences. About three years into my affair I got pregnant. The baby came as a surprise to me as it came to your daddy. We both knew it couldn’t be his, since he never touched me after my telling him I had an affair. I toyed with the idea of having an abortion, but you also remember that abortions were a legal matter back then and strictly prohibited. I found a doctor who would take the risk and interrupt the pregnancy, but at the last minute I changed my mind.

  So here I was, pregnant and ashamed of my behavior. I was living a sin and that couldn’t be left without punishment. I guess by now, you know the baby I saved is…you. When I first held you in my arms, all my guilt, all my fears were gone. I knew that whatever was thrown at me, I had to be strong for you and your sisters. I never told your biological father about you, for the simple reason that when I found out I was pregnant, he had already transferred to another hospital in a different city. He returned to Bucharest years later, and I continued seeing him until I was diagnosed with cancer. I decided to never tell you, because that would’ve disturbed your life more than necessary; besides, you had a father who loved you and who never made the distinction between his own biological daughters and you.

  At first he resented the idea of raising a child that wasn’t his. But then, when he saw you for the first time, he too fell in love with you. He always felt the need to protect you more than Octavia or Chiara, because if society ever discovered the truth, they would’ve stigmatized you for something that wasn’t your fault.

  I thank God night and day for blessing me with the three of you. I love each one of you for who you are; for your strength and willingness to fight for what you want from life, without accepting half of measures or compromising. I’m so proud of all your accomplishments and I’ll die being the happiest mother in the world knowing that I left such amazing daughters behind me. I know one day you’ll find the right man and will love and be loved the way you deserve it. Marry for the right reasons and learn from my experience. I don’t have any regrets; yes I did live a lie, but I got you. I loved and was rewarded with my little girl; my life is complete and I feel at peace.

  You have Chiara and Octavia, your older sisters. They are far away, but don’t let distance be in the way of your relationship. They don’t know about you being their half sister and I leave that up to you to tell them, if you consider it necessary. It doesn’t matter, but just remember: nothing and nobody can take away your bond. You belong together no matter how many miles away. Have each other’s back when needed and count on each other’s shoulder for whatever life will throw at you. God bless you and your sisters and remember how much I love you.

  With never-ending love,

  Mama”

  Despair mixed with panic rose in Tessa’s throat.

  I can’t breathe…I can’t breathe…

  Tessa pulled at her robe around her neck in an effort to inhale more air. It was one of those medical garments that had the opening on the back and two strings attached around the waist. She used both her hands and tore it apart. The IV hurt her vein when she bent her elbow, but she didn’t care anymore. Heaviness pressed on her chest and her vision blurred from lack of oxygen. It seemed air couldn’t reach her lungs and the pain became agonizing.

  She opened her mouth to yell for help, but no words came out. She stumbled to her feet pushing the metal hook for the IV line with one hand and gripping the bed’s metal rail with the other. She walked the few steps to the door. She fell in the arms of a nurse who opened the door carrying a metal tray with pills and syringes.

  “I need help,” the nurse yelled. Another nurse came and both helped Tessa back to her bed.

  “She’s hyperventilating,” one nurse said.

  “Miss Cosma, I brought you some medication that will help you relax. You have to remain calm. I’ll add the sedatives to the IV line; it will work faster.”

  Tessa clasped the nurse’s wrist. “Don’t … do it…” She gathered all her strength to say the words out loud.

  The woman tried to free herself from Tessa’s grip, but she held on.

  “Miss Cosma, you’re hurting me,” the nurse said impatiently. “I’ll wait on the medication, I promise not to do anything until you feel more comfortable; now please let go of me.”

  Tessa released her wrist and yanked at the IV line. “I need you to take this out. Now.”

  The other nurse checked Tessa’s blood pressure and exchanged a worried look with her colleague.

  “Get the doctor,” the first nurse said.

  Tessa panicked. “Don’t leave me.”

  “I won’t. My colleague will get the doctor and he’ll talk to you. Now try to relax, try to breathe, yes like this,” the nurse spoke loud and clear. She took deep breaths and nodded her head at Tessa to follow the same pace.

  The doctor rushed in and Tessa yanked again at the IV line.

  “Doctor, please, I don’t want to do this anymore. Please, take this out.”

  “Miss Cosma, let’s talk. He sat next to her on the bed and exchanged looks with his nurses. “You do understand that if you don’t do it now, the pregnancy is at about twelve weeks and it will be too late if you still decide you want an abortion. The longer the pregnancy continues, the more risks are involved when doing such a procedure. Are you sure?”

  “Yes, I’m positive. I want to keep the baby. I need you to take this out of my vein or I’ll rip it out.” She pulled at it again. It hurt like hell.

  He stood and sighed. “Miss Cosma, having a panic attack is absolutely normal under these circumstances, but we can help you relax, if this is why you changed your mind.”

  “I’m not panicking, doctor. I need you to understand I’m not having an abortion anymore. I’m perfectly lucid and all I want you to do is to accept my decision and let me get out of here.”

  The doctor motioned one of his nurses; she approached the bed, removed the IV, then put a small bandage over the puncture.

  “Very well then. You’ll need to sign a few documents, then you’re free to go.” The doctor walked towards the door, turned around and said, “I hope you’re making the right decision.
” He left, followed by both nurses.

  Tessa stood, removed the robe, and dressed back into her own clothes. She placed her mama’s letter and book in her bag, then rushed out of the room. The paperwork wasn’t ready for her yet and she grew even more nervous. She felt like an animal in a cage desperate to break free.

  Finally Tessa was released. She stopped outside the clinic’s door, took a deep breath and for the first time since reading her mama’s letter she felt a sense of control.

  She walked without really caring where she went. She looked at people without seeing anyone. She listened to the street’s humming without really hearing anything. Someone bumped into her shoulder and yelled an indignant, “Watch your steps, woman!” But she didn’t care. She kept walking without direction, switching the heavy bag from one shoulder to the other.

  Tessa’s feet hurt. Her whole body ached. Her heart bled. She felt alone in the world.

  Who am I?

  She stopped and pressed both hands on her ears. Voices in her head talked at the same time, hurting her brain. You’re a bastard. You don’t deserve to be happy! Your own mother had thoughts of killing you!

  Tessa ran.

  She ran until out of breath, she couldn’t take another step. Church bells rang. She looked around and saw nothing familiar.

  The stairs to the church seemed endless.

  Her feet hurt.

  She only wished to sit.

  And feel sheltered.

  She’d grown up in a country governed by Communism that condemned all religions. Easter and sometimes before Christmas her mama had taken all three of them to the church several blocks away from their house. She learned early on to pray, believed in God, but she never really considered it necessary to go inside the church to profess her faith or love.

  She walked into the church. The tall and large room was empty, dark and cold. A long and narrow carpet divided the rows of chairs placed on both sides of the church. In the left corner several candles burned and a strong smell of incense engulfed her. She felt as if the angels, saints and demons painted on the walls stared at her. She felt dizzy. She dropped the bag and fell to her knees.

  God, please forgive me for I’ve sinned…I’m a bastard…my whole life has been a lie…Do you know I wanted to kill my baby? Do you know I’m a criminal? Is this your trial? Is this what you wanted for me? Will you ever forgive me? Will I ever be able to forgive myself?

  Tessa put her palms together, closed her eyes and bowed her head. She sobbed and prayed. Tears stained her shirt; her knees hurt and her legs went numb.

  She needed to let it go.

  A sense of calm filled her heart.

  She placed her hands on her abdomen. For the first time since she found out she was pregnant, she touched her belly. It felt hard and warm and slightly rounded. A small gasp escaped her lips.

  “Hi, little one,” she whispered. “It’s me, your mami.” She smiled and caressed her abdomen. More tears flooded her eyes; this time tears of joy. “I’ve deprived you of love for three long months and I’m so sorry…let’s go home.”

  She steadied herself using the back of a nearby chair as feeling tingled back into her legs. Her knees burned with pain. She picked the bag up and left.

  Chapter 11

  “Alessandro, hi, I’m sorry I missed your calls. I’m on my way to my apartment, hope you can make it back to Bucharest tonight.” She closed her eyes and heaved a sigh. “We need to talk. I have to tell you something I’ve been putting off for too long…and I’m so sorry I haven’t told you yet…just come home!”

  Tessa hung up and looked out the cab’s window. She saw five missed calls, all from Alessandro. He left a message saying he was really worried about her and would try to catch the last plane to Bucharest that night. Her mood changed from despair to joy and excitement in that moment.

  Her mama’s letter had stopped her from making the biggest mistake of her life. This was her baby, part of her flesh, part of her heart and soul; nothing and no one would take her baby away. With or without Alessandro in her life she’d raise her baby. She’d never tell Daniel; he couldn’t be part of their life.

  She went home, took a shower and ate. She hadn’t eaten since the previous evening and her stomach hurt. She hoped such a long period without nourishment wouldn’t hurt her baby. From now on she’d take good care of herself; her baby’s health depended on it. She ate with one hand and kept the other one on her belly, caressing it. She went into the living room and dialed first Chiara’s number, then Octavia’s.

  She left messages and kept calling, hoping one of them would pick up the phone. She fell asleep on the sofa. When she woke up, the sun’s bright disc rested behind the tall buildings near her apartment.

  “We need to get some groceries,” she said, then laughed out loud for being so silly to talk to her own belly.

  She exchanged her clothes for a t-shirt and skirt, took her cell phone and purse and left. She returned in about an hour with two heavy bags of groceries.

  Her cell phone rang. She flipped it open as she entered her apartment building, trying to hold it between her ear and shoulder, balancing the grocery bags and her purse.

  “Chiara, sweetie, I’m so happy,” Tessa laughed.

  “Hi, sis, wow you’re in a good mood. What is it? Did Alessandro propose or you got another bonus? What is it?”

  “Oh, no, no proposing, no bonus; something better. You need to sit for this one. You ready?”

  Tessa heard some noise in the background, then Chiara said, “Here, I’m sitting now. Spit it out.”

  She took a deep breath, “I’m pregnant.”

  Prolonged silence made her think the call dropped. “Chiara, are you still there?”

  “Yes…I’m still here,” Chiara said between sobs.

  “Why are you crying?” Tessa asked while entering the elevator.

  “Because I’m so happy for you…I wish Mama could be around to see you and the baby grow up…” Chiara sniffled and then continued, “Did you tell Octavia? How far along are you? How did Alessandro react?”

  “No, I haven’t had the chance to talk to her, I left a message for her to call me back. I’m twelve weeks along and…Alessandro doesn’t know yet.” Tessa weighed her words before saying, “It’s…the baby isn’t his.”

  She exited the elevator and walked to her door where she stopped to fish her keys out of her purse.

  Another silence hung in the air before Chiara spoke again.

  “Oh my God…Does Daniel know?”

  “No! And I don’t intend to tell him. Daniel is no longer part of my life and I will not tell him a word about it.”

  A strong arm suddenly circled her middle, and a strong smell of alcohol blew across her cheek. She knew immediately who it was. He pushed a knife to her neck.

  “Hang up now,” Daniel’s all-too-familiar voice growled in her ear.

  “I have to go now, I’ll call you later,” Tessa said and snapped her phone closed.

  “What aren’t you going to tell me, huh? Don’t make a peep, and open the door. Don’t try any stupid moves; I swear I’ll kill you!” Daniel growled in a low voice.

  Tessa felt ice down her spine. She opened the door; Daniel followed her inside the apartment. He locked the door behind and when she tried to pull away he pushed her against the wall, “Don’t make me hurt you! I told you I’d be back and you’d pay for it!”

  His body crushed hers painfully. She turned her head away from the stench of his breath. He pressed the knife harder on her neck as she felt a sting followed by a warm trail of blood running down her neck.

  “Get off me, Daniel, you’re hurting me!” She commanded breathlessly.

  He flinched at her voice as if waking up. He released her and she took advantage of the moment, walking quickly to the kitchen, placing the table between the two of them.

  His knife terrified her. She hoped for a miracle. She wished for Alessandro to be there to protect her. But he wasn’t there, and now she needed t
o come up with a quick plan to get rid of Daniel.

  With shaking hands she started to unpack her groceries. Anything to distract Daniel. She walked to the fridge, opened it and placed the milk and cheese on the upper shelf. When she tried to close the door, Daniel grabbed her wrist.

  “You said you’d call, but never did. You lied to me! All I asked for was that you call and give me another chance, but I guess that would’ve been beneath you, huh?” Daniel waved the knife at her.

  “Stop this nonsense! My calling or not calling has nothing to do with what happened between us. I can take a lot, but I can’t accept cheating and you knew better when you chose to do it. Why can’t you just accept that it’s over?”

  She felt his hot, rancid breath once again on her cheek. “It’s over, you think? Why do women think they can tell me when it’s over and end it for me? Why? After all I did for you!” He slammed the fridge door closed and shoved her against the countertop. His blood-shot eyes seemed as if they’d blow out with rage and, before she knew his intention, he hit her. His hard fist connected painfully with her jaw.

  Tessa’s mouth filled almost instantly with blood. She shakily lifted her hand to her lips, her stunned eyes never leaving his face, and wiped off the blood. It felt as her head had exploded, but she didn’t have time to think about the pain, worried about protecting the baby. Her mind worked fast. Did the other woman, the one he’d been cheating with, leave him, too?

  Taking a stab in the dark that he referred to the woman she’d caught him with, Tessa asked, “It’s not like she didn’t know about me, why did you break up?”

  He seemed to think for a few seconds, walked to the table and lifted the red wine bottle out of one of the grocery bags. He knew where to find a bottle opener and helped himself to a big gulp of wine straight from the bottle. He held the bottle in one hand and the knife in the other, then focused his eyes back on her.

  “You know, I gave her everything, like I gave you, and what do I get? The minute she had the money, she told me to get lost. Me, get lost, can you believe it?” he waved the knife again and took another gulp of wine. The red liquid dripped on his shirt. He wiped off his mouth with the back of his hand and laughed diabolically. Then his face contorted with anger and disgust.