Twisted Paths

by L. L. Collins

  Forty-five minutes later, I grab my car keys before I can lose my nerve and head for the driveway. I had changed into so many different outfits, trying to find the ‘right one’, before settling on a simple navy skirt and a cream colored blouse. I had curled my long blonde hair around my face like Ronan likes, and my makeup is subtle but classy. My hands shake as I reach for the door handle. Just as I sit down, my phone rings in my purse and I jump a mile high.

  I hate myself for hoping and wishing it’s him. Fumbling through my purse, I get to it on the last ring. Kinsley’s name flashes on the screen. Of course it’s her.

  “Hey,” I answer, setting my purse on the passenger seat and starting the engine.

  “Are you going to see him?” Kinsley never beats around the bush. She is opposite of me in so many ways, and that’s what I love about her. I sometimes wish I was her.

  “Yes,” I breathe, forcing myself to put the car in reverse. I feel like I could throw up at any second.

  “You can do this,” she reassures me. “You have to do it. Whatever issue he’s having right now, he can’t be allowed to treat your marriage like it’s something he puts out with the trash. You’ve spent your lives together, Lia.”

  A strangled sob escapes my throat, and I fight to keep my eyes on the road. “Kins.”

  “I’m sorry,” she says, her voice soft. “But you have to fight for this. This is your family. If you don’t want him, or what he said it was true, then that’s one thing.”

  “I love him,” I whisper, tears running rivers down my cheeks again. I have no idea how in the world there can be anything left in me after the last fifteen hours.

  “Then go fight,” she says. “Call me later. I love you.”

  I mumble something incoherent and throw the phone into my purse, my stomach clenching as his office comes into view. This is one of the reasons we had bought the house where we did; it’s convenience to his office. Not that it will matter if he isn’t living in our house anymore. The house. I will never be able to afford the house without Ronan; not on a teacher’s salary. Where will I go? What am I going to do?

  Swinging the car into the parking lot, I feel sick as I notice his black BMW in its usual spot. I remember the night he bought that car. He had taken me to dinner and afterwards, we had parked in a secluded spot and made out like we had as teenagers. My whole life is full of memories like that. Sure, the last several years have been taxing, with Ronan starting the business and working basically twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. Through it all, I thought that we would always come out on the other side together.

  I stare at the glass entry, willing Ronan to see my car and come out to me so I don’t have to go in and face what is there. But after a few minutes, I know this isn’t going to be easy and I have to be the one that makes the move. Stepping from the car, my stomach turns and I think I might throw up right here in the parking lot. Forcing deep breaths in and out of my lungs, I try to calm my shaking hands as I make my way to the front door. It’s still early, so I hope that not many of the staff has arrived yet.

  I can see my reflection in the doors as I approach, and though inside I am one second away from collapsing, on the outside I look like the wife of Ronan Collier, the best accountant in the city. The sunglasses hide the utter devastation in my eyes, though I know that won’t last for long. What in the hell am I doing here? Standing up for yourself, I remind myself.

  My hand stops on the handle to the door, my chest heaving like I had just run a marathon. Just as I finally reach to open the door, the other door swings open, making me jump.

  “Mrs. Collier! I’m so sorry!” Ronan’s secretary, Bailey, puts her hand on my arm. The touch alone has me spiraling downward, and I fight to keep myself upright. “Are you okay?”

  I can’t speak. Forcing a small smile on my lips so she doesn’t think I have lost my mind entirely, I slip into the open door and make a beeline for Ronan’s office. Thankfully no one else is in the front of the building. As I step closer to Ronan’s office, my teeth begin chattering from the emotional overload.

  His door is shut, and I step up to it and put my hand against the cool aluminum, resting my forehead against it for just a moment to calm my nerves. Kinsley’s voice echoes through my muddled brain. I can do this. I have to do this. I put my hand on the handle to push it open when I hear Ronan’s voice, followed immediately by a female giggle. Freezing in place, I try to decipher if there is actually someone in there, or if he’s on the phone.

  I hear the squeak of Ronan’s chair and the sounds of his keyboard. His rich voice bounces around the room, but when the female voice answers, it’s small and far away. He must be on speakerphone.

  “I can’t wait to see you,” the voice purrs, and my stomach twists.

  “I’ll be there right after work. Be ready for me.”

  No. This isn’t happening. I shouldn’t have come here. I run from the office and lose the contents of my stomach in the beautiful bushes that line the sidewalk. Choking and gasping, tears burn my eyes as I hear the giggle reverberating through my head. Who had he been talking to? Who is he seeing tonight when he is supposed to be at home with me? His wife!

  I FLING THE door open to our bedroom and yank my suitcase out of the closet. I can’t stay here. It’s going to suffocate me. I have no idea where I can go, but if I stay in this house any longer, someone will have to commit me.

  I start shoving things into the suitcase without really thinking about what I’m packing. Pulling open the drawer that holds my underwear, I take the whole thing out and dump it haphazardly into my suitcase. I can feel the panic starting to bubble up in my chest again. Something flutters to the ground as I turn the drawer right side up to put it back, and I crouch down to see what it is.

  I suck in a sharp breath as I realize what I’m holding. I haven’t seen this picture in years, and have no idea how it had ended up in my underwear drawer. It’s me at about ten years old, wrapped around my big sister, Beth. We’re standing on the beach at our parents’ time share, our hair whipping around our faces and our grins as huge as the horizon behind us. My stomach clenches. I miss her so much. Beth lives in Kentucky with her husband and their two kids, and I only get to see her once a year, if that. Every summer from the time I can remember, we had made the trip from Kentucky to Sanibel Island for two weeks. It wasn’t until I was fourteen and in the throes of being a ‘teenager’ that I had refused to go. I had missed four years and had gone for the last time the summer I turned eighteen. It was after that summer that everything changed for me, and I just couldn’t go back there.

  But right now, looking at the blue water behind us and the white sand under our feet, I know where I’m going. If I’m calculating correctly, the time share starts tomorrow. Hurrying for my phone, I punch in my parent’s number and wait, my feet anxiously wearing a path in the carpet. Even if they had sold their week this year or are already going, I’m going. There has to be other places available there. I need to feel the familiar sand in between my toes and stare at the waves lapping the shore for hours. I need to turn my brain off. And maybe if Ronan came looking for me and I wasn’t here, he would worry about me for once.

  “Lia?” I smile at my dad’s voice, glad it’s him that answers. I love that man more than anything, but he won’t be able to read me the way my mom can. She would know right away something is wrong.

  “Daddy,” I smile, willing my voice not to crack. I want nothing but to crawl in his lap and have him soothe the pain away, but I know it won’t work. Not wanting to chit-chat or have him ask about Carter or Ronan, I delve right into the reason for my call. “Are you headed to Sanibel this week?”

  “Not this year, Kitten,” he answers, making me smile.

  “Did you sell it?”

  “No, we were hoping we could make it work to get down there, but it didn’t pan out. Why?”

  “I want to go down there.”

  He’s quiet on the other end for a moment. “Is everything okay?” He
knows I have purposely stayed away from there.

  “I go back to work in two weeks,” I say quickly. “I just took Carter to school and Ronan is busy working, so I thought I would spend some time relaxing before the craziness starts with my new school year.” I hope I’m convincing enough so he will stop asking questions. I’m barely hanging on as it is.

  “Well that sounds wonderful, Liane. You enjoy yourself. I’ll call the office as soon as we hang up and tell them you’re authorized to pick up the keys. Don’t forget that sunblock, young lady.”

  “Dad,” I laugh, the feeling making the sick sensation in my stomach go away for just a moment. “I’ve got this. I am thirty-seven years old, you know.”

  “And still my little girl,” he answers, making tears flood my eyes again.

  “I’ll talk to you soon. Thanks, Dad.” I end the call before I completely lose it. This is it. I’m going to Sanibel. Alone. And I won’t come back until Ronan comes to find me, or at least calls me. I have the feeling I might be there a while waiting for that.

  “I’M GOING TO Sanibel,” I tell a shocked Kinsley. Her eyes flit from my packed suitcases at the front door to my crossed arms. I don’t want her to talk me out of this, and I have a feeling that’s exactly what she’s going to do.

  “What happened when you went to see Ronan, Lia? I’ve been calling you for hours.”

  I avert her eyes, looking at an invisible spot behind her. She steps closer. “You didn’t go, did you?”

  “I did,” I say, my voice wavering. “But he was… he was talking on the…” I lose the battle with those damn tears again. I hate myself for not being stronger.

  Kinsley grabs my hands and pulls me to the couch, waiting until I can speak and explain what I had heard at his office. She sighs, rubbing her thumbs over my hands in a soothing motion.

  “I can’t stay here,” I finish, hoping that I’m convincing. “I need to get out of here until work starts and figure out what I’m going to do. What if he never wants me back, Kins? What if he’s really seeing someone else?”

  She looks at me silently, her eyes not blinking for so long I wonder if I did or said something wrong. “You can’t leave without talking to him,” she says finally. “You can’t be gone for two weeks not knowing exactly where you stand. You’re both being cowards right now; him by sending you that ridiculous letter, and you by allowing him to get away with it. If he truly wants a divorce, he’s going to have to be a man and talk to you. Don’t let him treat you with anything less than the utmost respect, Liane. You’re his wife and the mother of his child. Have more self respect than that, and demand some answers.”

  I stand abruptly, making Kinsley jump. Anger surges through my veins. He’s going to look me in the eyes and tell me this is over; I deserve that much. “You’re right,” I say, striding to my phone. “If he’s going to do this, it’s going to be face to face.”

  She smiles, watching me push the buttons to call Ronan. Of course, he doesn’t answer. “No answer,” I whisper to Kinsley.

  “Leave a message,” she demands. My hands shake as I hold the phone pressed to my ear. His rich voice reverberates in my soul, and I fight to keep myself from crumpling to the floor. That voice has soothed me, made love to me, and laughed with me for so many years. What if I never get to wake up next to him again?

  I will my voice to work as the inevitable beep comes after his clipped message instructing the caller to leave a message. I know he doesn’t want to hear from me; that’s obvious in the letter he left me. My eyes meet Kinsley’s and she nods, prompting me. Clearing my throat, I will my voice not to shake. “Ronan,” I begin, his name making my throat close up with emotion. “You need to call me back as soon as possible. We need to talk. I’ll just keep calling if you don’t answer me, so you might as well talk to me. You aren’t throwing away our whole life with one letter.” With that, I hit end and fling the phone from my hand like it’s a poisonous snake.

  I put my hand to my chest, my heart feeling like it will jump out of my chest at any time. “You did it,” Kinsley says, pulling me into a tight hug. “Now, don’t let him get away with it. If he doesn’t call you back, you go to his office at the end of the day. Promise?”

  Can I go there, knowing he’s planning to meet whoever he had been talking to on the phone? “You have to do this, Lia. This is the time where you show how strong you can be.”

  “I’m not strong,” I sob, loosening my hands from her grip and covering my face with them. “I can’t do this. How do I survive this, Kins? I-I’m nothing without my family.”

  “Yes. You. Are.” She pulls my hands from my face and forces my chin up to look into her eyes. “You’re an amazing teacher and mom. You’re a beautiful, kind woman that everyone loves. Don’t do this to yourself.”

  “My husband doesn’t love me,” I cry, my shoulders shaking with the effort it’s taking to not sob again. “He said so, in the letter.” I cross to the kitchen counter, where the letter sits, mocking me. I pick it up and shove it into Kinsley’s hands. “He even made sure he wrote it down, so I wouldn’t forget it.”

  Anger flashes over her features. “He’s not thinking clearly. Something’s not right. This is why you need to talk to him.”

  Just as she finishes talking, my phone starts shrieking from the couch where I had thrown it. I stare at the illuminated screen, my stomach tightening in anticipation. I swing my eyes to Kinsley, who nods her head at me in silent encouragement.

  It seems like it takes forever to walk the few steps to the couch. My hands shake violently as I reach for the phone, my eyes zeroing in on the name on the screen. Hubby. Such a simple word for what is no longer the one person in the world I know I can count on.

  Suddenly, my throat feels so dry I can barely swallow. Kinsley steps up and puts her hand on my back, the physical touch calming me enough to hit accept on the call.

  “Hello,” my voice shakes. Covering my mouth with my hand, I cry silently. He’s there; I can hear him breathing. But he isn’t saying anything.

  I have no idea how long we both sit there, me crying soundlessly and him breathing before he finally says, “Liane.” I look at Kinsley, willing her strength to seep into my pores. Why can’t I be like her?

  “Tell him you need to talk,” Kinsley whispers, shaking me out of the reverie that him saying my name had put me in.

  I take a deep breath, my lungs constricting as I force myself to speak. “We need to talk.”

  Silence crackles through the line. Kinsley watches for any reaction, and when there is none she crosses her arms and taps her foot. She’s mad. Why aren’t I mad? He had left me a goddamn letter! Now he doesn’t want to talk to me?

  Fire shoots like lava through my body as the moments pass without Ronan saying anything. “You either come here right now or I come to you,” I seethe, the words flying out of my mouth like bullets. Kinsley grins, her hands clapping silently. “Your choice, Ronan. But either way, you owe me the decency of a conversation before you throw away our entire life. So, what’s it going to be?”

  I hear clicking on the other end of the line, but he doesn’t respond. “Ronan. I was already at your office once today. I’ll come there and stand outside until you come out, reading your letter at the top of my lungs so that everyone in your office knows what a coward you’re being.”

  He sighs, the first real sound I’ve heard from him since he got on the phone. “I’ll be there in a half hour.”

  Relief floods through me. When he sees me, he’ll change his mind, right? He always said I’m his weakness, his vice. Kinsley shakes her finger at me, and the smile drops from my face. She taps her finger on her imaginary clock on her wrist.

  “Thirty minutes,” I repeat. “Or I come to your office. Not one minute more.” With that, I click the phone off and run for the bathroom, where I lose every bit of whatever is in my stomach.

  I HAVEN’T STOPPED pacing in front of the living room window ever since Kinsley left. He has two minutes to get here or I
’m going to have to follow through with my threat to go to his office. Will I have enough gall to do what I said? I wouldn’t put it past Ronan to call my bluff; I have never been the woman that talks the way I had talked to him twenty-eight minutes ago. Maybe I should’ve been that person more often.

  When I see Ronan’s BMW pull into the driveway, I think I might pass out. Now that he’s here, what am I going to say? He doesn’t want me; that much is clear. He needs to be a man and have a conversation with you, Liane. You’ve been married eighteen years. He can’t throw you away like yesterday’s garbage, Kinsley’s voice echoes throughout my head. She’s right; I need to do this, for myself for once.

  I watch him walk up to the door, and then remove his key. As he lifts it to the door, he stops, his brow furrowing. My heart clutches at the sight of him; my handsome man. To me, he’s just as handsome as he had been at sixteen, if not more. His face shows a few signs of getting older, but in a rugged way. His body is in shape and firm, the hours he spends in the gym evident in the way his clothes hug him in the right places. How can he say goodbye like this?

  He puts his key back in his pocket and knocks, and it takes everything in me to step forward and unlock the door. He doesn’t even want to use his key on his own house; our house. What does that mean?

  As I swing the door open, our eyes meet and the breath whooshes from my lungs. His blue eyes that have always shown me nothing but love and support are stormy and dark. Lines crease his forehead as he scans my face, and his mouth is set in a line. So this is how it’s going to go.

  Stepping back, he walks past me without a word. I find myself closing the door and following him, just like I had our entire lives. When he reaches the kitchen, he turns to face me, leaning his hip against the island. The motion reminds me of the time a few years ago when Carter had gotten his driver’s license and gone out for the night and we had made love right here on the island, the wicked gleam in Ronan’s eyes sending me over the edge so many times.