Heart Full of Love

by Kathleen Fuller

  “You look sleepy,” he said.

  “I am. Must be the tea.”

  “It’s also past ten.”

  “Then you should get to bed,” she said, mumbling.

  “I love you,” he said, his voice sounding far away.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “What?”

  But that was all she could bring herself to say.

  CHAPTER THREE

  Chris slid his hand from Ellie’s as she drifted off to sleep. He stared at her, worry filling him. This wasn’t his Ellie. She thought she’d hid her tears from him. But he knew her well. Those were not tears of joy, but of pain.

  He rose from her side. Something had happened while he had been outside finishing up the chores. He left their bedroom, walked to the other side of the house, and found Barbara coming out of the spare bedroom. “What’s going on with Ellie?”

  Barbara put a finger to her lips and closed the bedroom door. “The babies are still sleeping. Edna is in there keeping an eye on them.”

  “Why? Is there something wrong with the bopplis?”

  She shook her head and led him to the living room. “They’re fine. She insisted on being in there with them.”

  “Did she say something to Ellie?”

  “Nee.” She gave him an odd look. “Why do you ask?”

  “Ellie’s upset.”

  “She’s tired. And she’s apprehensive. New mothers always are.” She smirked. “So are new fathers.” Then she smiled, her eyes filled with wisdom and understanding. “She’s going to be fine. You both are. Keep encouraging her, Christopher.” Her smile slipped a little. “Is Edna the only one available to help?”

  “Mei schwester and mamm offered.”

  “Gut.” She paused. “Edna seems very attached to the maed already.”

  He nodded, not adding that he thought Edna might be too attached. But what did he know about any of this? When Edna had insisted the twins be bottle-fed, he agreed. Her argument had made sense. He wanted what was best for his daughters—and his wife. But he wasn’t sure what that was anymore.

  “Christopher,” Barbara said, putting her hand on his arm. “Set aside your worry. Enjoy your new familye.”

  He took in a deep breath as she walked toward the kitchen. Of course she was right. So many times he had told Ellie not to worry, and now he was doing the same thing. He closed his eyes and prayed for peace in his soul and the strength and wisdom to be the husband and father God wanted him to be. When he opened his eyes, calm had replaced the stress. God was in control. He needed to remember that.

  Edna stared at her precious granddaughters as they lay in the cradle next to the bed. They were so beautiful, so perfect. They both had plump cheeks and long fingers, just like Ellie had when she was born. Julia’s left hand formed a tight fist while Irene’s right hand was similarly closed as they both slept. Edna watched the slight rise and fall of their tiny chests.

  She turned at the sound of the door opening. Barbara walked in and motioned for Edna to come into the hall. Edna paused, looked at the babies for a long moment, then reluctantly left their side.

  Barbara closed the door behind them. “Edna,” she whispered, “are you okay?”

  Edna lifted her chin. “Of course I am.”

  “Just making sure.”

  “You should be taking care of Ellie, not checking on me.” Edna put her hand on the doorknob. “I won’t let anything happen to the bopplis.”

  “I didn’t think you would.” Barbara tilted her head. “You’re hanging on to these babies too tightly, Edna.”

  Edna scowled. “You’re telling me how I should handle mei grandchildren?”

  “I’m only pointing out what I see.”

  “Are you finished?”

  Barbara folded her arms across her chest. “Ya.”

  “Then let me get back to the bopplis.” Edna opened the door and shut it behind her, a little too loudly. One of the babies started to stir. She tiptoed to the cradle and smiled when she saw they were still asleep.

  Barbara didn’t understand. She didn’t have a blind daughter. Her grandchildren weren’t at risk.

  Deep inside, Edna knew she wasn’t being fair to Ellie. But two little lives were at stake here. She would make sure nothing happened to Julia and Irene, just as she had protected Ellie and her son, Wally, when they were infants. She would be as diligent now as she had been back then. Even more so, considering Ellie’s disability.

  She couldn’t—and wouldn’t—let history repeat itself.

  Three days later Ellie snuggled Julia in the crook of her arm. She searched for her baby’s mouth, and once she found it, slipped the nipple of a three-ounce bottle inside. The now-familiar sounds of a baby taking her bottle reached Ellie’s ears. She’d only had a chance to breastfeed the babies a couple of times, and she didn’t feel confident doing it discretely in front of company. She sat back in the rocking chair and turned her head toward Chris’s mother, who was sitting on the couch opposite her, feeding Irene.

  “They are just precious, Ellie.” Bertha Miller cooed at Irene. “Absolutely perfekt.” She paused for a moment. “Irene looks like you.”

  “She does? Chris thinks she looks like him.”

  “She has his dark hair, but this round little face and clear blue eyes are all you.”

  Ellie grinned. “What about Julia?”

  Bertha chuckled. “She looks like me, of course.”

  Ellie laughed. “Obviously.”

  Sarah Lynne walked into the room. “I brought some sandwiches and iced tea,” she said.

  “Danki.” Ellie felt the bottle slip from Julia’s mouth. She leaned close to her daughter and listened for her soft, steady breathing. After a few moments, she realized the baby had fallen asleep. “Is Irene still awake?” she asked Bertha.

  “Nee. They both fell asleep at the same time. Imagine that.”

  “I’ll take them to their cradle,” Sarah Lynne said.

  “I can do it.” Ellie set the bottle down on the small table next to the rocker. She gripped Julia and started to get up.

  “I’d like to, if you don’t mind.”

  Ellie caught something in her sister-in-law’s tone. “Danki, Sarah Lynne.”

  After Sarah Lynne left with the twins, Ellie turned toward Bertha. “Is Sarah Lynne okay?”

  Bertha sighed. “She’s fine. But you know mei dochder. She’s impatient to start her own family.”

  “Oh. I should have realized—”

  “Don’t apologize. Sarah Lynne and Isaiah will have children in the Lord’s time. Like you and Christopher.”

  Ellie leaned back in the chair. “I’m glad you’re happy about the twins.”

  “Why wouldn’t I be?”

  “Not everyone is.” She ran her hand along the smooth, curved arm of the hickory chair.

  “If you’re talking about Edna, you’re wrong. She’s happy. She just has an unusual way of showing it. Here, let me get you a sandwich. Sarah Lynne made your favorite, chicken salad.”

  “I’m not really hungry.” Ellie’s mind was on her mother. She had left earlier when Bertha and Sarah Lynne had arrived, saying she was going home to pick up a few things and would be back in a couple of hours. Ellie dreaded her return. Her mother was so efficient, she never gave the babies a chance to cry. Or Ellie a chance to tend to them, saying that Ellie needed to “heal.” But she was healing just fine. What she wasn’t doing was taking care of her daughters.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Ya. But you go ahead. I know you like chicken salad too.” Ellie rose. “I’ll be right back.”

  “Okay.” A few minutes later Bertha said, “Mm, I think Sarah Lynne outdid herself with this chicken salad.”

  Ellie made her way down the hall to the spare bedroom where her mother was staying. Her mother had also insisted on keeping the cradle in that room, explaining that she could take care of the babies at night while Ellie and Christopher slept. For the first two nights, Ellie didn’t argue. Her emotions
were still rocky, and doubt about her ability to care for the twins had lingered. To add to that, Chris had been working extra hours and came home the last couple of nights exhausted. But Ellie ached for her babies, and each time she heard them cry, she wanted to rush to them. But with the spare bedroom at the opposite end of the house, she couldn’t reach them in time.

  She heard Sarah Lynne’s sweet, soft singing as she entered the room. Her sister-in-law’s voice was just above a whisper as she sang one of the church’s popular hymns. Instead of singing it in the chanting voice usually used during church, she had added a lovely melody to the words. Ellie touched the doorjamb before entering the room, then walked toward Sarah Lynne’s voice.

  The singing stopped. “They’re still asleep,” Sarah Lynne whispered.

  “Gut.” Ellie moved to stand beside her. She ran her fingers along the edge of the cradle.

  “You are so blessed,” Sarah Lynne said quietly. “Such schee bopplis.”

  Ellie took Sarah Lynne’s hand. “Your time will come.”

  She sighed and squeezed Ellie’s fingers. “I know. That’s what Isaiah says. I had just thought . . . hoped . . .” She let go of Ellie’s hand.

  “I’ll pray,” Ellie said.

  “Danki.”

  Ellie heard the back door slam shut. She tensed. “Mamm’s back.”

  Hurried footsteps sounded down the hall. “Ellie, I have a surprise. I brought your bibs from when you were a boppli.” Her mother entered the room.

  “Shh,” Sarah Lynne said.

  “They’re sleeping,” Ellie added.

  “Oh, let me see mei precious ones.” Her mother sandwiched herself between Ellie and Sarah Lynne. “Are you sure they’re all right?”

  “Sarah Lynne just put them down.”

  “Gut. I wouldn’t want you to have to—”

  Ellie turned toward her mother. “Have to what?”

  “Never mind.” Her mother walked away. “We must leave now. We don’t want to wake the bopplis.”

  Sarah Lynne threaded her arm through Ellie’s as they left the room. When they were several steps away from the bedroom, she leaned over and whispered, “Has she been this way the whole time?”

  Ellie nodded. “Sometimes worse.”

  Ellie could sense Sarah Lynne shaking her head. “Ellie, I’ll be praying for you.”

  CHAPTER FOUR

  “And just look at what mei friend Linda made for you.”

  Ellie gripped the back of the chair at the kitchen table. When her mother didn’t say anything right away, Ellie snapped, “Do you want me to guess?”

  “Of course not. You didn’t give me a chance to explain it.” Her mother sighed. “Honestly, Ellie. Have I ever made light of your blindness?”

  “Nee. I’m sorry.” The knot in her stomach had tightened since Bertha and Sarah Lynne had left a few minutes ago. She remembered what Barbara had said about the babies sensing tension. Ellie took a deep breath and tried to smile.

  “Feel this.” Mamm took Ellie’s hand and ran it over something pliable and pillowy. “Isn’t it wonderfully soft?”

  “Ya.” She ran her hands over the object, trying to detect what it was. Some kind of cushion, she guessed. She’d never felt anything like it before.

  “It’s quilted with pink-and-white cotton fabric,” her mother added. “Perfekt for the maed.”

  “What is it?”

  “A specially shaped pillow that will help with feeding the twins. You can lay them on each side of the pillow and have them face you. See how the edges are raised and firm? That keeps them from falling off.”

  Ellie continued to check out the pillow. Her smile grew as the strain between her and Mamm eased a bit. “This is nice.”

  “It will make feeding them at the same time much easier.” Mamm took the pillow. “I’ll geh put this in mei room.”

  So much for relaxing around her mother. “Mamm, I think it’s time the bopplis moved to my and Chris’s room.”

  She heard her mother’s footsteps stop. “It’s too soon.”

  “Nee, it’s not—”

  “I’ll be back in a minute,” she said, walking away again. “Then I’ll get started on supper. I hope Christopher will be home on time today for once.”

  “He’s had to work—”

  Her mother disappeared out of the room.

  “—late.” Ellie scratched the top of her head through the kerchief she’d taken to wearing since having the twins. When she was ready to leave the house, she would wear her kapp, but right now the kerchief would do. She reached in front of her and touched a paper bag with handles on it. Pulling it closer to her, she searched inside.

  A thick stack of diapers, which could also be used as burp cloths. Four small baby bottles, plastic and still attached to the cardboard. A couple of cans of formula. Despite being irritated with her mother, Ellie was glad she had brought the supplies. And of course the pillow. That would be a lifesaver. She’d have to dictate a thank-you note to Chris and send it to Linda to express how much she appreciated the wonderful gift.

  She found another big bag and started riffling through it. She frowned. The clothing inside wasn’t baby clothes, but her mother’s. At least a week’s worth. How long was she planning on staying?

  Ellie heard one of the babies crying. She turned and made her way down the hall, passing her bedroom to reach the spare room. By the time she arrived, both babies were fussing, but she could hear her mother making calm, cooing noises above the din.

  “You’re both a little wet, that’s all,” her mother said. One of the cries grew into a screech. “Now, Irene, is that the way a yung maedel should behave?”

  Ellie approached her. “I’ll change Julia,” she said.

  “Already done.”

  “That fast? They just started crying.”

  “Julia was making a bit of noise right before that.” Ellie heard the snap of a safety pin. “There you geh, all clean and dry.”

  “Where’s Julia?”

  “In the cradle. I thought I’d rock them for a little while.”

  “But you said you were going to start on supper.”

  The creak from the rocker sounded when her mother sat down. “Why don’t you make it tonight?”

  Ellie put her hands on her hips. “I have a better idea. How about I rock my dochders while you cook?”

  “But they’re already settled. You don’t want to disturb them, do you?”

  The rocking chair moved back and forth along with the different sound of the cradle being manipulated by her mother’s foot. Ellie listened for the babies, but her mother was right. They did seem settled. She rubbed her forehead. There was no point in starting an argument. “All right. But I’ll feed them next time.” Ellie turned to go.

  “We’ll see,” her mother murmured.

  “What did you say?”

  “Nix, Ellie. All the ingredients you need to make meat loaf and potatoes are in the bags on the table.”

  Ellie left the room, her nerves wound tight again. She couldn’t go on like this. After supper she was determined to set some ground rules with Mamm.

  A few hours later Ellie checked her Braille watch. Six thirty. Chris was late from work again. She finished washing the dishes, except for the plate of meat loaf and mashed potatoes that she would heat up for Chris when he got home. She covered that in foil and set it by the oven, which she had on the lowest warm setting.

  She went to the spare bedroom to check on the babies. When she walked inside, her mother said, ”Shh. They’re almost asleep.”

  “You fed them again?”

  “You were busy.”

  Ellie fisted her hands. “You could have told me they were awake and needed feeding.” How was she going to be able to take care of her daughters if her mother wouldn’t give her the chance? Lord, give me the words to say to her.

  She moved toward the cradle. “Mamm, I want to spend some time with the twins right now. Just the three of us.”

  “Julia’s already
in the cradle and Irene’s eyes are closing.” Her mother’s voice sounded tight, defensive. And her words, too overprotective.

  “How can that be?” she asked, feeling like her mother was duping her. Were they really asleep, or was Mamm just saying that to keep Ellie away from them?

  “They’re newborns, Ellie. That’s what wee ones do. I thought you knew that.”

  “I knew they slept a lot, just not this much,” she admitted.

  “In a couple of weeks they’ll be up more often. You should enjoy the time you have to rest.”

  “I don’t want to rest!” The words came out in a harsh rush. “I want to be with mei bopplis.”

  A pause. “Don’t you raise your voice with me, Ellie Chupp.”

  “It’s Miller, Mamm. I’ve been married for two years.” She made her way to the rocker, bumping her shin against the end of the bed. “Ow.” One of the babies started to murmur. “Why can’t you remember that?”

  “Old habits die hard.” The baby’s murmuring grew into a soft wail. “Look, now you’ve woken Julia.” Ellie heard her mother getting up from the rocker. They met at the cradle, Ellie’s hand bumping her mother’s as they both reached for the baby.

  “Mamm, this is ridiculous. You’re already holding Irene. Why won’t you trust me to get Julia?”

  “I do trust you.” Her mother paused. “I just don’t . . .,” she whispered.

  Exasperated, Ellie raised her voice over Julia’s louder cries. “Don’t what? Don’t want me to hurt them? Or drop them?”

  “That’s not what I said—”

  “Ellie? Edna?”

  Chris’s voice sounded from the back of the house. Ellie heard the heavy tread of his feet as he made his way down the hall.

  “Is everything all right?” Chris said as he entered the room.

  “Nee—” Ellie said.

  “Ya—” Mamm said at the same time.

  “Doesn’t seem like it.” He neared the cradle. “What’s wrong with Julia?”

  “How did you know it was Julia?” Mamm asked.

  “Easy. I’d recognize her little squalling anywhere.” He inserted himself between the two women. Ellie heard him pick up their daughter. She instantly quieted.