Heart Full of Love

by Kathleen Fuller

  “She’s a daddy’s girl.” He chuckled. “Has she been fed?”

  “Ya. Diaper changed too.” Mamm moved away from the cradle and sat down in the rocking chair. “She was asleep until . . .”

  Even though she couldn’t see her mother’s face, Ellie knew she was giving her the usual disapproving look. Her throat burned with the threat of tears. Both her mother and husband were better with the babies than she was. She turned and rushed out of the room, ending up in the kitchen. She grabbed on to the edge of the sink, forcing the tears at bay.

  A few moments later Chris came up behind her, just as the tears she tried so hard to stop slipped down her face. Why couldn’t she control her emotions anymore? She wiped at her face, retrieved his supper plate from the fridge, and put it in the already warmed-up oven. “Your dinner will be ready in a few minutes,” she said, trying to keep tears of frustration from falling. She may be a terrible mother, but at least she could fix her husband a decent meal.

  “Ellie.” Chris put his hands on her shoulders. “Talk to me. What’s going on?”

  “Nix. I know you must be starving, and I want to get your dinner to you.”

  “Supper can wait.” He turned her to face him. “The tension between you and your mamm is thicker than a slice of her sourdough bread.”

  Ellie shrugged, turning away from him. “It’s nothing I can’t handle.” She didn’t need him to think she wasn’t capable of dealing with her mother. It was enough of a hit to her confidence that her mother didn’t think she was able to take care of the babies. “She’s been a lot of . . . help.”

  “Maybe too much?”

  Ellie stood like a statue in front of the sink. Although she didn’t need to, she washed her hands, letting the water get near to scalding. “She’s doing what she thinks is right.”

  “And what about you?” He reached over, turned off the water, picked up a kitchen towel, and started to dry her hands. “What do you think is right? Having the babies sleep in the same room with her instead of us?”

  She didn’t realize he’d even thought about that.

  “You’ve been working so hard lately. You need your sleep. Mamm said the babies would wake you up in the middle of the night.”

  “So? I’ll fall back to sleep. Or I’ll feed them with you.” He ran the back of his hand over her damp cheek. “You’ve been crying. And I haven’t seen you smile in days. Honey, I’m worried about you.”

  His kind words should have brought her comfort. Instead, they burst the brittle dam of emotion inside her. “You’re worried I can’t take care of the twins. That’s what this is all about.”

  “Nee.” He sounded surprised. “That’s not it at all.”

  “Then what?” She backed away from him, wishing she could see his expression. Since they’d been together, she’d touched every inch of his handsome face, and of course she remembered what he looked like as a teenager. But there were times when memories and touch weren’t enough. Times when it wasn’t fair. Although she tried to stop them, the tears flowed down her cheeks again.

  “Ellie, please don’t cry.” He tried to take her in his arms. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

  She pulled away from him and threw open the oven door. She reached in to yank out his supper, only to burn her hand because she’d forgotten to use a potholder. “Ow,” she yelped in pain, jumping back. Stupid, stupid. She couldn’t do anything right.

  “Let me see your hand,” he said. “Did you burn it?”

  She opened her mouth to speak but couldn’t find the words to voice her frustration. She rushed out of the room, bumping into walls in the darkness of her world. When she reached her room her chest heaved with sobs. Her hand burned from her mistake with the oven and her self-assurance was in shambles, like it had been when she’d first been blinded.

  Her hand throbbing, she went to the bathroom and found a jar of salve in the medicine cabinet. She rubbed the soothing cream on her burn, but it did little to relieve her turmoil. What was happening to her? She couldn’t wait to be a mother. When she found out she was pregnant, she’d been thrilled. When the babies were born, she’d been ecstatic and filled with love for the tiny miracles God had blessed her and Chris with. But in only three days everything had changed. Now she was miserable.

  Is this what motherhood was? Pain and self-doubt and endless, helpless tears? How could she overcome any of it?

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Edna rocked back and forth in the chair, both babies snug and asleep in her arms, resting peacefully. But turmoil ruled her heart. She’d heard Ellie’s raised voice, the pain smothering her words, the frantic, familiar footsteps as she fled down the hall. Ellie wasn’t the only one in this house with heightened senses.

  She should put the babies in their cradle and go talk to her. But what could she say? Her daughter had been so stubborn, unwilling to see that all Edna wanted to do was help care for the twins. She straightened in the rocker. Ellie should be thrilled to have a mother who would drop everything in her life and make so many sacrifices for her granddaughters. But instead Ellie was resentful. Surly. Not appreciative . . . the way she should be.

  Yet as Edna held the babies closer, she couldn’t ignore the guilt her thoughts triggered. Ellie was capable, the most capable woman she knew. Her daughter had not only overcome a tragic accident and the loss of her best friend and her sight, but she had also become an independent woman who had her own business, one she’d given up in the third trimester of her pregnancy. There wasn’t any reason to think she wouldn’t be a wonderful mother.

  Except that she was blind.

  Every time she thought about leaving the tiny babies with Ellie, Edna panicked. So many things could go wrong with one baby, and that possibility doubled with two. She also couldn’t be honest with Ellie. If she told her about her fears, about how she’d lain awake nights wondering if these precious babies would be safe with their own mother, Ellie would be deeply hurt. And her daughter had suffered enough.

  A quiet voice sounded in her head. Aren’t you hurting her now? Can’t you trust Me to watch over those you love?

  Edna breathed in the sweet, baby-powder scent of the babies, resisting what God was speaking to her heart. Yes, she’d heard all her life to let go and let Him be in control. But she couldn’t do that . . . not yet.

  “Edna?”

  She glanced up at Christopher as he entered the room, blinking as she cleared her thoughts. He wasn’t making things easier by working so late. If she wasn’t here, Ellie would be alone with the babies even longer every day, and how would she manage?

  Edna held a sigh. She’d been hard on Chris in the past as well. When he’d left the Amish after Ellie’s accident, which had taken the life of his fiancée, she had thought him weak-minded and ill-suited for an Amish woman, especially her Ellie. But she hadn’t understood the depth of his pain that drove him from Paradise. Her husband, Ephraim, always had to remind her not to judge others, and she had fought to curb that side of her spirit when she joined the church over fifty years ago. Yet despite her prayers and pleas, it reared itself at the worst times. Like now, when she believed he should be more available to his young family instead of working fourteen hours a day, six days a week.

  “Ya?” she finally said, forcing an even tone. She pulled the babies even closer to her.

  Chris raked his hand through his hair. The dirt from work still clung to his clothes. Outside the light had dimmed with dusk approaching. He looked weary. No, he looked plain tired. Still, she didn’t move from the chair.

  “We need to talk,” he said.

  “The babies are asleep,” she whispered. “I don’t want to disturb them.”

  “Put them in the cradle, Edna.”

  She lifted her chin. How dare he speak to her like that? Yet he was the head of this home, and she had to respect that.

  “Once they’re settled,” he added, “meet me in the living room.”

  “I’ll be there in a moment.”

  As Chris
turned and left, she stood, balancing the twins, her arms aching from their slight weight. Truth was, she was tired too. Taking care of these two was the hardest job she’d ever done. Raising children was so much easier when she was younger. She carefully laid the babies in the cradle, taking a few seconds to touch Julia’s soft hair and stroke Irene’s plump cheek before leaving to join her son-in-law.

  When she entered the living room, Christopher sat down on a chair. He gestured to the couch across from him. When she sat down, he said, “Ellie’s upset.”

  “She’s tired—”

  “It’s more than that.” He scrubbed his hand over his face, stopping to tug at his thick, black beard. “There’s a problem between you two, and I aim to find out what it is.”

  Edna touched her chest, offended by his tone. “I’m only trying to help her with the babies.”

  “I don’t think Ellie sees it that way.”

  Edna crossed her arms. “Then how does she see it?”

  “I’m not sure. She won’t talk to me. I just know that when I came home today she was crying, and you seemed very . . . protective.”

  “I am protective of mei dochder. I won’t apologize for that.”

  “I wasn’t talking about Ellie. I’m talking about the twins. Edna, I’m sure Ellie appreciates your help. I know I do. But I’m concerned she’s not getting a chance to spend enough time with the babies. You feed them at night. You’re up with them in the morning. Tonight when I came home you were taking care of them again. When does Ellie . . . you know . . . what’s the word? Get close with the babies?”

  “You mean bond with them?”

  He nodded. “It’s like you don’t trust her to take care of our dochders. Is that true?”

  Edna looked away. “You have nee idea how difficult it is to manage twins.”

  “You’re right. I don’t. I’m gone a lot, and the timing couldn’t be worse. I wish things were different, but I have to take the work when it comes. But that doesn’t answer mei question.” He blew out a breath. “Do you trust her to take care of our kinner?”

  “Of course I do.” But she couldn’t face him when she spoke.

  “If that’s the case . . . Then prove it.” He took a deep breath.

  She looked at him. “What?”

  “I think it’s time you went back home.”

  The muscles in her jaw tightened. “You want me to leave Ellie alone?”

  “Not completely. But you don’t have to spend the night anymore. Give Ellie and me a chance to take care of the twins at night. And mei schwester and mamm can help out during the day too. They’ve been wanting to spend more time with Julia and Irene.”

  Hurt coursed through her. “I see how it is. You’d rather have your family here than me.”

  “That’s not true.” The weariness in his eyes seemed to increase. He sighed. “I’m letting you know that Ellie has plenty of help. You don’t need to take on the whole job yourself.” He leaned forward. “Ellie needs the chance to be a mother. I know you’re worried about her and the babies. But you have to trust us, and trust her. With God’s help, we will make this work.”

  His words made sense, but they didn’t override the rejection she felt. “So you don’t need me. Fine. I’ll leave right now.”

  “Edna, I meant in the morning—”

  “Oh nee. I don’t want to upset you and Ellie further.” She shot up off the couch. “And I don’t want to be where I’m not wanted.” She pulled back her shoulders. “Despite everything I’ve done, this is how you treat me.”

  He stood, shaking his head. “That’s not what I meant.”

  “I know exactly what you meant. I’ll pack my things and be out of your way in a few minutes. You won’t have to worry about me being underfoot at night anymore.” She turned to go.

  “Edna.”

  She stopped and turned. Even though she recognized the regret on his face, her own pain wouldn’t allow him any sympathy. “What?” she said sharply.

  “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I think you misunderstood me.”

  She paused. Maybe she had. Perhaps he realized how important it was for her to remain with the babies as much as possible. “I have?”

  Chris walked toward her. “Edna, I want you to know”—he paused to smile—“you’re always welcome here during the day.”

  The day. So he was dictating the hours she could see her daughter and grandchildren. “How generous of you.”

  “I . . . never mind.” He shook his head. “At least say good-bye to Ellie before you leave.”

  “I don’t want to bother her.” She squared her shoulders again and left her ungrateful son-in-law behind. She went to the spare bedroom, walking straight to the cradle. In the dim light of the gas lamp, she could see the twins tiny bodies pressed against each other, their delicate fists clenched as they usually were when they were sleeping. Irene’s lips moved a bit, as if she were drinking from a bottle. Edna’s heart ached. She loved them so much. And now she was being dismissed, as if she were hired help.

  She couldn’t move, her mind spinning with hurt and worry. When she thought of Ellie taking care of these precious little ones without her help, she remembered the fragile young woman who had discovered she would never see again. The anger that had nearly consumed Ellie in the months afterward. And how difficult it had been for her to learn and master the simplest of tasks, even after she had accepted her blindness.

  How easy it would be for Ellie to trip while holding Irene, or for her to poke Julia with a diaper pin. Edna was willing to take care of those things for her. To take care of her babies and keep them safe. Yet Ellie and Christopher didn’t want her help. They didn’t want her around.

  Finally, she was able to pull herself away from the cradle. She quickly packed her belongings and went out the back door. Christopher had already harnessed her horse and was hitching it to the buggy. Obviously he couldn’t see her leave fast enough.

  He handed her the reins. “I wish it didn’t have to be like this.”

  “You’ve made your wishes plain, Christopher.” Edna climbed into the buggy, bypassing his offer of help. He said something else, but she ignored it as she tapped the reins on the back of the horse and guided him down the driveway.

  CHAPTER SIX

  In her dreams Ellie heard her babies crying. But she couldn’t reach them. They were too far away, and she couldn’t find them. She held out her hands, seeking them but finding nothing. Their cries grew louder, feeding the rising panic in her chest.

  Her eyes flew open, unseeing, yet she could still hear the twins. She’d struggled to bring herself out of the dream. Once she was completely awake, she realized her daughters’ cries were real.

  As their wails grew louder and more high-pitched, she reached out to feel for Chris. She touched his side, detecting the slow rise and fall of his chest. He was so deeply asleep, he didn’t stir. The babies continued to cry. Confused, Ellie sat up. She’d never heard the twins this upset before.

  She carefully got out of bed, not wanting to disturb her husband. She made her way to the spare bedroom. Julia’s cry was especially piercing. She entered the room. “Mamm?” But there was no answer. She hurried to the bed, to find it was still made from this morning.

  She moved to the cradle, alarm going through her. Why wasn’t her mother here? She reached inside the cradle and felt one of the diapers. Soaked. She felt the other one, and it was also wet. “Shh,” she said to the girls amid their screeching. “It will be all right.” She wanted to look for her mother, but the twins needed tending first. She went to the dresser where Mamm had told her she put the extra diapers and cloths, but they weren’t there when she opened the drawer.

  The babies’ cries echoed around the room. Had her mother moved the diapers and not told her? She called out for her again, and once again heard no response.

  “Ellie.” Chris’s sleepy voice sounded behind her. She heard him snap on the battery-powered lamp. “What’s wrong with the girls?”
<
br />   “They need changing.” She turned toward him. “Where’s Mamm?”

  “She . . . went home.” He sounded alert now—and wary.

  That didn’t make any sense. “Why?”

  “We can talk about it after we get the twins calmed down.”

  She held up her hands, frustrated. “I can’t find the diapers. Mamm must have moved them.” She heard Chris open a few of the drawers. Then he walked past her and opened the closet. “They’re in here.”

  Ellie picked up one of the babies. She touched the boppli’s right ear, searching for the tiny dent at the top. When she felt it, she knew she was holding Julia.

  “Do you think they’re hungry?” Chris asked.

  “I’m sure they are.”

  “I laid the diapers and pins on the bed,” he said. “You take care of changing them and I’ll fix their bottles.”

  He sounded so tired. “I can do it,” Ellie said. “You geh back to bed.”

  “Nee. I’m up now.”

  Ellie easily found the diapers. Chris never failed to give her the instructions she needed. Even when they were dating, he was always sure to verbalize everything so she didn’t miss a single thing. She took the diapers to the cradle. She quickly changed Julia and Irene before Chris returned. She balanced both babies in her arms and sat down in the rocker just as Chris walked back into the room.

  “Midnight snacks are ready,” he said. She heard him move toward the rocker, and she knew he was about to take one of the babies.

  “I can feed both of them,” she said.

  “How?”

  “There should be a pink-and-white pillow-looking thing in the room somewhere. Maybe in the closet. When you find it, bring it to me.”

  A few minutes later she had both babies nestled in the pillow.

  “Let me know when you’re ready for the bottles,” Chris said.

  But Ellie didn’t want the bottles. The urge to nurse was so strong, and it was the first time she’d had the opportunity to try to feed both of them at the same time. She adjusted her nightgown, and with very little effort both babies were feeding. Soon the cacophony of the babies’ cries receded, replaced by soft suckling noises. Ellie leaned back in the chair, pleased that she was finally able to feed her babies on her own.