Heart Full of Love

by Kathleen Fuller

  She heard Chris collapse on the bed. “That pillow is a lifesaver,” he said, sounding even more exhausted than before. “Where did you get it?”

  “Mamm’s friend Linda made it.”

  “Guess we didn’t need the bottles after all.”

  She nodded. “Chris, why did Mamm geh home? Is she all right? And why didn’t she say anything to me?”

  He sighed. “You were so upset last night, I thought I should have a talk with her. I know things have been tense between you.”

  She couldn’t deny that. “What did you say to her?”

  “That she should leave. I told her we could take care of the babies at night.”

  “Oh nee.” She cringed. “I guess she didn’t take that very well.”

  “Not at all. I thought she’d geh home in the morning, but she was so mad she left right away, and I didn’t tell you because you were already asleep when I came to bed.” He paused. “I wish she would have waited until morning, but I still believe I did the right thing. We need to learn how to take care of them ourselves, Ellie. And she wasn’t letting us—especially you.”

  Ellie closed her eyes, blinking back more tears. This time they came from a different place. Her husband did understand. She opened her eyes, unseeing but sensing he was looking at her, waiting for her to respond. “Danki,” she said softly.

  He let out a weary chuckle. “At least one woman isn’t mad at me tonight.”

  “Mamm will be okay. She just needs some time. She’s never taken to being told what to do.”

  “Sounds like someone else I know.”

  “Ha.” Ellie shifted a little in the rocker but didn’t disturb the babies. For the first time since they were born, it felt like she could handle being their mother. But that feeling was tempered by reality. “I can’t do this alone,” she said. “If you hadn’t been here I wouldn’t have even found the diapers without having to search too long.”

  “Sarah Lynne said she would come over during the day. Mamm too. And I told your mudder she was welcome here, just not at night. Although I probably could have handled that better.”

  “You handled it fine.” Although Ellie could only imagine how upset her mother was right now. Still, she wanted to encourage her husband. “Don’t worry about Mamm, Chris.”

  “I won’t. I’m sure your father is glad to have her back home.”

  “I don’t know. He might have welcomed the break.”

  Chris chuckled. She heard him get up from the bed. He kneeled next to her and kissed her forehead. “I love you, Ellie. Everything is going to be okay. God is watching over us.”

  She nodded. “I love you too.” He was right. Everything would be okay. She’d have help during the day, and Chris would be here at night. She’d make sure tomorrow she knew where everything was so she didn’t have to wake him unless she needed his help. She didn’t like the idea of him getting up and losing sleep, but he didn’t seem to mind. She smiled, enjoying the moment with her sweet babies and wonderful husband. And as long as she had him by her side, everything would be all right.

  “Things seem to be going well,” Sarah Lynne said a week later. She was in Ellie and Chris’s room, and Ellie had given her the task of folding small onesies freshly dried on the line. “How do you like the babies sleeping in the same room with you?”

  “I was nervous about it at first,” Ellie said. She held Irene while Sarah Lynne’s mother was with Julia in the kitchen. “But after a couple of nights I figured out how to feed the babies without waking up Chris. Which is gut, because he’s still working extra hours.”

  “Wonderful.” Ellie could almost hear Sarah Lynne smiling. “I can hardly believe the change in you since the last time I was here. You seem so much more at ease with everything since . . .”

  “Mamm left.” Ellie rubbed Irene’s back.

  “I probably shouldn’t have said anything.”

  “It’s all right.” Besides being related by marriage, the women were also friends.

  “Has she been by to see the bopplis?”

  Ellie paused. “Nee.”

  “Not even once?” Sarah Lynne sounded surprised.

  “Nee.”

  “Ellie, I didn’t realize you had been here alone during the day with the bopplis. I assumed yer mamm was coming by every day.”

  “Fortunately I’ve had lots of visitors, so I’ve had plenty of help during the day.” Ellie held Irene against her shoulder as she rocked back and forth in the chair. “Of course, Chris is here with me at night. So we have everything under control.”

  “But what are you going to do about yer mamm?” Sarah Lynne asked.

  “I’m not sure. I want to talk to her, but I haven’t had time to go see her. I do miss her and wish she was here with me.” She lifted her head toward Sarah Lynne. “I’m sure that sounds strange, considering we asked her to leave.” Ellie lifted her chin, trying to keep her voice steady. “But if she can’t be bothered to visit her grandchildren, that’s not mei problem.”

  “Oh. I see.”

  Ellie didn’t miss the note of disapproval in Sarah Lynne’s voice. But Ellie didn’t care . . . at least not that much. Sarah Lynne didn’t understand. Neither did Chris, who had offered to take her and the bopplis to her parents more than once. Ellie had refused. She hadn’t done anything wrong—she only wanted to have time with her own children. Her mother was being ridiculous. And stubborn.

  Like mother, like daughter.

  Her father’s oft said words echoed in her mind, but did nothing to change it.

  “Ellie, are you sure you’re doing the right thing?” The floorboards creaked softly as Sarah Lynne stood up and padded across the room. “I know how important independence is to you. But so is family.”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.” Ellie knew she sounded childish, but there was nothing more to discuss. Obviously her mother cared more about nursing a grudge than seeing the twins.

  “All right.” A drawer shut, and Ellie assumed Sarah Lynne had put away the clothes. Sarah Lynne sat back down on the bed. “I’ll change the subject. Have you and Chris figured out what you’re going to do when the babies get older? Before you know it they’ll be scooting around.”

  “Ya,” she said, eager to discuss what she had recently learned about taking care of Irene and Julia. “I contacted my rehabilitation teacher, the one who helped me after my accident. She gave me a lot of ideas for what we can do through each stage of life. For example, when they’re old enough to crawl I’ll tie bells to their shoes—a different one for each maed.” She put her lips against Irene’s cheek.

  “Has Barbara been by to check them?”

  Ellie nodded. “She came earlier in the week. She said Irene and Julia are doing well. Everything is wonderful right now.”

  “Except you and yer mamm.”

  “Sarah Lynne—”

  “You’ve got to talk to her, Ellie.”

  “I will. When she decides to talk to me. And even then, I’m going to have to lay down some ground rules when it comes to the twins. She can’t take over like she did before. I know she doesn’t think I’m capable of being a gut mamm . . .” She turned away, pain pricking at the admission.

  “Yer a gut mamm. Anyone can see that.”

  “Danki, Sarah Lynne.” She sighed. “Sometimes it’s so overwhelming. But then I get some time to spend with one of the girls, or I’m feeding both of them and they fall asleep in my arms . . . it’s so special.” She stilled, her face heating as she remembered Sarah Lynne was trying to conceive. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”

  “It’s okay.”

  When Sarah Lynne didn’t say anything else, Ellie grimaced. How could she be so thoughtless? But Ellie had no idea what she could say to make her feel better.

  “Can I hold Irene?” Sarah Lynne suddenly asked.

  “Of course.” Ellie held Irene out to her. “Do you want to sit down?”

  “I can stand.” Sarah Lynne took the baby from Ellie. She started to walk back an
d forth across the room. “I’ll have to get used to holding a boppli,” she said. Then she added, “. . . in about seven months.”

  Ellie gasped and jumped up from the chair. “Congratulations!” She smirked. “And here I was fretting about hurting your feelings.”

  Her sister-in-law laughed. “Gotcha.”

  “I’m so happy for you.”

  “Me too. And relieved.” She lowered her voice. “You can’t say anything to anyone, Ellie. Not even Chris. I haven’t said anything to Mamm . . . or Isaiah.”

  Ellie nodded. “I won’t say a word. But why haven’t you told Isaiah?”

  “I wasn’t sure at first.” She stopped in front of Ellie. “I’m seeing Barbara tomorrow. After I talk to her, then I’ll tell him. Although he might suspect something since I’ve been sick for the past week. I didn’t realize morning sickness lasted all day.”

  “You’re feeling all right now?” Ellie asked.

  “Ya. I make sure to keep crackers with me.” She laughed again. “I hope you don’t mind me asking you to keep the news secret. But I had to tell someone. I was about to burst!”

  “I don’t mind at all.” Ellie hugged her, mindful of Irene. Although she wished she could tell Chris the good news. He would be as thrilled for his sister and brother-in-law as Ellie was. “I’m so happy for you both.”

  Five hours later happiness was the furthest thing from Ellie’s mind. She was at her wit’s end. Chris was late coming home from work again. It was well past suppertime, and the babies hadn’t stopped crying for over an hour.

  She was seated in the rocker, each baby secure on the nursing pillow. But Irene wouldn’t nurse, and all Julia wanted to do was eat. She held Julia to her breast as she tried to calm Irene. “Shh,” she said above her daughter’s screeching. She cringed as Irene took a deep breath and began howling again.

  “What do you want?” Ellie shouted, which caused Julia to startle, then join Irene in her cacophony of cries. When Ellie tried to feed her again, she refused.

  Ellie adjusted her dress and picked up both babies, letting the pillow fall to the floor as she laid them in the cradle. They continued to cry. She brought her fingertips to her throbbing temples. She had no idea what they wanted. They were fed, changed, and bathed. “Why are you still crying?” she shrieked.

  “Ellie?” Chris walked into the room, his tired voice filled with concern.

  “I can’t do this.” Ellie turned her face toward him. “I’ve tried everything . . . They won’t stop crying . . .”

  Chris didn’t say anything. She heard him walk to the cradle. Irene, who had a higher pitched cry than Julia, quieted. “What did you do?” When he paused, she yelled, “Answer me!”

  “I fixed her diaper pin.”

  Ellie put her hand on her cheek. “It was sticking her?”

  “Ya. But she’s fine now. And Julia seems to be settling down too.”

  He was right. Now that Irene was quiet, Julia had stopped crying. Ellie walked to the bed and sat down, numb. She didn’t even think to check the diaper pins. She’d changed Irene over an hour ago. Her daughter had been in pain that long, and Ellie didn’t even know.

  But Chris did. In mere seconds he was able to fix the problem. Because he can see.

  “Ellie—”

  “I’ll fix your supper.” She rose from the bed and walked out of the room, unable to face him. Her chest heaved with guilt. She’d hurt their daughter. Her heart ached as if it had been stabbed with a thousand pins.

  She busied herself with warming up Chris’s meal, but her mind was focused elsewhere. What other things would she overlook with her daughters because of her disability? How many times would she inadvertently hurt them or put them in danger?

  She heard Chris’s feet dragging on the floor as he entered the kitchen. He sat down on a chair, hard, not saying anything. Ellie swallowed as she placed a dish of baked chicken and black-eyed peas in front of him.

  “I’m not hungry.” He shoved his plate away.

  Of course he was angry with her. She stood behind his chair, wringing her hands together.

  “The maed are asleep,” he said wearily. “Ellie, please sit down. We need to talk.”

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Ellie sat down next to her husband, noting the tired edge in his voice. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, hanging her head.

  “Sorry? For what?”

  “For hurting Irene.”

  “Ellie,” he murmured, reaching for her hand. “Is that why you’re upset? Irene is fine. The pin barely poked her. I think she was more uncomfortable than anything else.” He squeezed her hand. “It’s not a big deal.”

  “But what if it had stuck her? What if she’d been bleeding? What if—”

  “Then you and I would have handled it. We’re both learning how to be parents. Next time you’ll double-check the pins, that’s all.”

  “I’ll triple-check them.”

  He let out a tired chuckle. “That’s mei maedel.”

  His calmness reassured her. And he was right—they were both learning. Relieved not only by his logic but knowing that the babies were all right, she squeezed his hand back. “You sound exhausted.”

  “I am.”

  She searched for his plate on the table. When she touched the edge, she carefully moved it toward him. “Maybe you’ll feel better after you eat.”

  “I’m too tired to eat.”

  “I’m sorry work has been so hard for you lately.”

  “It’s not the work that’s hard. It’s the hours. But I’m grateful for it. So many are out of work right now. We’re blessed that I have this job. Even though it threw me a curveball today.”

  “Did something bad happen?” she asked.

  “Nee. Actually, I have some good news. Sort of.” She felt his fingers entwine with hers. “I got a raise,” he said.

  She grinned, not expecting such a blessing. “That’s wonderful.”

  “I also got a new position.” He covered her hand with his other one. “In eastern Pennsylvania. Four hours away.”

  Ellie clutched his hand at his words. “What?”

  “But it’s only temporary,” he said, the tone of his voice not showing any traces of its earlier weariness. “For three weeks they want me to help with a subdivision project. I don’t have all the details about the job, but they’re going to pay for room and board while I’m there.”

  “Three weeks?” she squeaked out.

  His voice sped up as he talked. “It sounds like a long time, but you know how fast it will geh. It seems like yesterday that the bopplis were born.”

  “Then you already took the job?”

  “Ya. I did.”

  Ellie yanked her hand from his. Three weeks might as well be three years.

  “I didn’t have time to talk to you about it or I would have. I didn’t have much of a choice either. If I’d said no, they might have let me geh from the company. There are so many people who need work, Ellie. Amisch and Englisch. I—we—can’t afford to lose this job.”

  Her brain knew he was right, but her panic overruled any logic. “You can’t leave.”

  “Ellie, honey—”

  “You can’t geh.” Her throat ached, as though a rock were lodged in it. “I can’t do this without you.”

  “Ya, you can.”

  She shook her head as tears spilled down her cheeks. “I can’t do this alone.”

  “You won’t be. Mei mamm and schwester can help you with the twins during the day.”

  Ellie thought about Sarah Lynne. She couldn’t count on her, now that she was expecting and was having a hard time with morning sickness. But she couldn’t tell Chris about that.

  “And I thought”—Chris cleared his throat—“well, if she would agree to it . . .”

  She sucked in a breath. “You want Mamm to come back at night.”

  “More than that. I’m hoping she’ll come and stay while I’m gone.”

  Ellie cringed and sat back in the chair. She knew Chris was
right. She couldn’t be here at home alone, and to ask anyone else to stay with her and the twins would be an extraordinary request. But her mother . . .

  “We have to ask her tonight. I’m leaving tomorrow.”

  She clutched his hand, fresh panic washing over her. “So soon?”

  “Ya.” He took her face in his hands, rubbing his thumbs across her cheeks. “Ellie, I know this is hard on you. But it’s hard on me too. I don’t want to be gone from you or the girls.”

  “I know.” She ran her fingers through his thick hair, setting aside her own fear for a moment. He was sacrificing a lot for the benefit of his family. She had to be strong for him and for their daughters. He didn’t need to worry about them while he was gone. “We’ll talk to Mamm,” she said. Somehow she’d deal with the hurt and resentment.

  He kissed her, then touched his forehead to hers. “Let’s get the twins, then.”

  As she and Chris readied the girls for their first ride in the buggy, Ellie tried to steady her nerves. Maybe time had soothed her mother’s hurt feelings. She doubted it, since time had had no effect on Ellie’s emotions. But she had to set that aside and convince her mother that she not only wanted her to come and stay but that she needed her. She prayed that somehow her mother would understand.

  Edna finished drying the last of the supper dishes and returned them to the cabinet. Ephraim was already in the living room, reading the paper, as was his habit in the evening. She looked out the kitchen window at the orange-and pink-streaked sky. This window always allowed her a perfect view of gorgeous sunsets. It was her idea to put the window here when Ephraim built the house. But since Ellie’s accident she didn’t glean much pleasure from seeing the color-soaked skies at the end of the day. How could she, when her daughter would never see another sunset?

  She clenched the damp kitchen towel. Ellie and the babies were never far from her thoughts. Neither was the hurt from the fact that they had sent her away. She’d thought they would have at least visited, but she hadn’t seen Ellie since the night Christopher asked her leave. Ellie wasn’t able to attend church yet, not until the babies were a little older. Last Sunday she’d had to field questions about the babies and Ellie, which only drove the pain further home. Of course she never let on that she hadn’t seen them.