Something Real

by Ariadne Wayne

  “You did what you thought was best, and so did I. You know, when I got married, the only person I wanted to share it with was you. But I was too stubborn to find you and reach out. You’ve got a really good man there.”

  I looked up over her shoulder at Logan. He winked at me, and the strength of our love flowed through me, the tears easing up. I didn’t need my mother’s approval, but having her love back would be a start.

  “He’s wonderful,” I whispered.

  “Mum?” Jack stood in the doorway, Thomas just a little behind him.

  “Come in and meet Grandma, baby,” I said.

  “Grandma?” Jack looked at Mum in awe.

  “Mum, this is Jack, and that’s Thomas behind him.”

  She let go of me, turning back toward them. Logan moved to my side, pulling me into his arms as we watched my mother meet her grandchildren.

  “Hi boys. I’ve heard a lot about you. Logan and your mother are so very proud of you.”

  Thomas retreated further behind Jack, and I smiled at his reticence. My little shy boy.

  “They look so much like you, Olivia.” She tilted her head to look at Thomas. “Especially the younger one. What sweethearts.”

  That you never wanted to know. Stop it. If you’re going to reunite with her, you need to stop it.

  “They’re the best things that ever happened to me. Apart from Logan.”

  She frowned, knowing the underlying meaning to my words.

  If I’d done what you wanted me to do, they wouldn’t be here.

  “If I had to re-do things, I’d handle everything a lot differently.” She took my hands in hers. “I’m sorry I missed them as babies, and I’m sorry I missed holding your hand when you needed me. I’m sorry I wasn’t there when Evan left. But I can be here for you now, and for this new baby. If you let me.”

  Logan nuzzled my ear as I closed my eyes.

  “Just one thing at a time, Mum,” I said, hoarsely, struggling to find my voice.

  “I’ve got everything ready for a family dinner,” Logan said. “I thought we might start with that.”

  “Can we have bacon?” Jack shrieked.

  I laughed, leaning harder against Logan.

  “I thought we might have a barbecue. You two haven’t seen the surprise in the back yard yet,” he said, laughing.

  Both boys took off, running through the dining room and out onto the deck. I smiled, shaking my head at the gasps and screeches fading into the distance as they found what Logan was talking about.

  “I would say they’ve discovered the trampoline,” he said.

  Mum let go of my hands. “Let’s go watch them play,” she said.

  “You two go out. There’s a swing seat out there for you to relax on, and I’ll bring you out some juice. You packed some with the barbecue stuff, right babe?”

  I nodded, and led Mum out the back of the house, and we watched as the boys ran around and around in circles, laughing and whooping.

  “They’re beautiful. You’ve done well,” Mum said.

  “I had to.”

  I moved to the swing seat. Logan had arranged the furniture so I could sit and watch the boys. He was always so thoughtful and considerate. I still wasn’t sure what I’d done to deserve him.

  Mum sat beside me. The silence wasn’t awkward, but it was weird. I hadn’t spoken to her in so many years, and had so much I wanted to say, but the words wouldn’t come. They hid, and I was scared, as if I were eighteen all over again, terrified to tell her I was pregnant.

  “Logan’s great,” she said, breaking the heavy silence.

  “He’s amazing.”

  “I wasn’t sure where you’d moved to. He came and found me. I was so grateful just to know where you were.”

  I turned my head to look at her, and found my own eyes looking back at me. I’d never noticed just how much like her I was.

  “We had to move. When Evan left it just got too hard with childcare, and I couldn’t afford to keep living there.”

  “I saw your apartment. I wish things had been different. It’s all my fault.”

  I said nothing. There was nothing that I could say.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  As my pregnancy advanced, the yucky feeling went away and I felt more like myself. In fact, it became enjoyable being able to put my feet up when I got home, and be cared for by Logan and the boys.

  With Jack, I’d worked all the way through, unable to stop as I’d just moved in with Evan and away from Mum. Dealing with the loss of my relationship with her had hit me hard, and every day became a struggle, especially when I was in the advanced stages of pregnancy.

  Thomas was a new challenge. We were more settled by then, but I was dealing with Evan not completely convinced the baby was his, although that seemed to have been an excuse for his more frequent absences. I’d had a toddler, that I was raising practically by myself, growing bigger by the minute. It was hard, but the days they were born had been the best days of my life.

  Now I was pampered and loved, doing nothing by myself. Logan was always there, by my side, ready to take over when things did get too much.

  I had a real partner.

  And when Logan wasn’t fussing, Rebecca was, knowing that at some point she’d lose me. Not for good to start with, but with the pending house move and the baby’s arrival, it was more and more likely. I loved my job, but the opportunity to spend more time with all my children and make up for some of the time I had lost with the first two was far too tempting.

  I could be there for my baby, and take the boys to school and pick them up again. I’d carried all the responsibility for so long, and finally I had the support to ease back a little and not overwork myself. I couldn’t wait.

  At the halfway point, we went to have the anatomy scan, and maybe find out what the baby was. I didn’t care; I had two healthy, happy boys, and another one would be welcome. But then a girl would help balance things out, and I got the feeling that Logan liked the idea of a girl, a little me he could cherish just as much as he cherished big me.

  He held my hand the whole way, squeezing it as the cold gel was squirted onto my baby bump. I closed my eyes as the wand glided over me, warming the gel, and I could have quite easily gone to sleep, I was so comfortable.

  “There’s the heart,” the technician said. I looked up, watching it thumping on the monitor. There was my beautiful baby, alive and strong.

  Now Logan gasped beside me as he noticed every little thing about our baby, and I watched as he cast his eyes across the screen.

  “That’s our baby,” I whispered.

  “It’s going to sound weird, but it’s real, Liv. It’s really real.”

  We looked into each other’s eyes while the scan went on, the technician accounting for all the organs, taking measurements, and we looked back at the screen to watch the baby kicking like crazy.

  “Soccer player,” Logan said.

  “Footballer.” I laughed and the baby rolled slightly, reacting to me. It was just so amazing to watch.

  “Did you want to find out the sex?”

  The question hung in the air for a moment, even though I knew Logan was keen to know, and I gave him a small nod and raised my eyebrows as if to ask if that was what he wanted. He grinned. “Yes, please,” he said.

  I nodded, and the technician moved the wand back and forward until she had it in just the right place.

  “Do you see this? The bone goes down here on either side, and there’s a little gap. You’re having a girl.”

  I let out the breath I didn’t even realise I was holding, and Logan squeezed my hand so tight I squeaked.

  “Thank you so much,” he said to the technician.

  “Was that what you wanted?” she asked.

  “Yes,” he said, just as I said, “I wasn’t worried either way.”

  We laughed, and he leaned over to kiss me as I snuggled into his chest.

  “The boys aren’t going to take this well,” I said with a sigh.


  “What? What do you mean?”

  “Another girl to boss them around? I’m bad enough.”

  Logan chuckled. “Well, I’m going to love having another girl around the place. And it didn’t really matter to me. Any child we have will be a freaking rock star.”

  * * *

  We stood at the front entrance of the house. A beautiful home for our family.

  The moving truck sat outside with all of our things in, the moving men ready to bring the furniture and boxes from the apartments and Logan's storage unit. The bedrooms were already done—we’d bought new beds and made sure they were all ready for us to spend our first night here.

  I loved this house, and not just because we’d spent time working on it together. It made up for so much that I'd lost, and being so happy was the icing on the cake. There was nothing that could stop us now.

  “Where do you want these?” Logan asked as he brought in box after box. It was all so overwhelming not having to squish things into corners; the simple joy of having cupboard space for everything in the kitchen, among other places, filled my heart. Anyone not part of my family might just think I had gone crazy. I couldn't wait to find a place for everything, his and mine together.

  Ten minutes into it, I wanted to lie down. I patted my bump. I’d not long ago started feeling kicks, and she was really going for it today. I still had half a pregnancy left, and I’d forgotten just how wonderful this was, and then how annoying.

  “Settle, baby,” I whispered.

  Logan stood up from the box he’d just placed on the floor. “You okay, Liv?”

  “Just a bit tired and being used as a trampoline.”

  He walked to me with a smile and placed his hand on my belly, closing his eyes. Another kick got him laughing. "Whoa, that was a big one. Pretty sure she's dancing in there. Go and lie down. I got this.”

  That made me feel weird sometimes. ‘I got this’ was a phrase I was still getting used to.

  “I might just do that.”

  Slowly, I mounted the stairs. Giggling came from the boys’ bedrooms, and I grinned as I drew closer. Logan had gone all out for their rooms.

  Jack had wanted a plane theme while Thomas wanted cars. Jack’s room had been painted blue, and he had blue curtains with pictures of planes all over them. Thomas’s room was green with car curtains. I’d even gotten them linen to go with it, their beds covered in blankets that matched the theme. They had never had anything so new and just for them. I couldn’t blame them for being so excited.

  “Hey you two, how are your rooms?”

  “Awesome, Mum!” Jack said, Thomas nodding in agreement.

  “Keep the noise down if you can. I need to have a nap.”

  “Okay,” they chorused quietly. I knew it wouldn’t last for long.

  The fourth bedroom had become the nursery. Logan had erected the cot, but I had yet to make the bed up with the pastel yellow linen I’d bought. I’d figured I’d keep it neutral, just in case we decided to do something crazy and make even more babies.

  I took a breath as I got to our bedroom. I loved the sight of it. Cream and pale blue, we’d combined what we both wanted to make something beautiful. I ran my hand across the floral duvet, pulling it back at the top and exposing the mauve sheets. A splash of colour that just looked so pretty.

  Sinking into the bed, I closed my eyes and drifted off.

  We were home.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  “Are you okay?”

  What a stupid question. I was about to push a small person the size of a watermelon out of a very small hole in my body. It might have already let two of them out, but this one was proving to be just as stubborn about leaving. And I hadn’t even gotten to the pushing stage.

  “Do you want some ice chips?”

  No. I want you to have the baby. I gritted my teeth and nodded.

  Logan rubbed my lips with ice and I opened my mouth for him to drop it in. I’d forgotten just how much giving birth hurt. It was funny how your body blocked you from remembering, trapping you into a false memory of it being all unicorns and rainbows. Okay, maybe not quite.

  “Does it hurt?”

  It took everything in me not to smack him, but this was his first, and he’d been with me the whole time. Mum was staying at our place with the boys, so at least I didn’t have to worry about them. We were building our relationship slowly, and this was a big step for me to trust her with them, but I knew she was sincere in her efforts to grow closer to us.

  “It really hurts. If I kick you in the balls, you might have a tiny bit of an idea of how much this hurts.”

  He grimaced. “Shit. I hope it’s over soon.”

  You and me both.

  The midwife checked one more time and smiled so sweetly, I switched my yearning to hit someone to her.

  “It’s time to push.”

  “Oh thank freaking heavens,” I groaned.

  Logan grabbed hold of my hand, and I gripped tightly as the next contraction hit, bearing down to get this baby out. Sooner the better.

  “I don’t think it’ll take many pushes to get this baby out.” Either I was hallucinating, or she sang the words. I’d had gas, but not that much, surely.

  Logan fed me some more ice, and I looked into his sad gaze. He hated I was in pain; I could see that. I closed my eyes, lying back on the pillow when it hit me again, this time with an intense burning sensation that made me want to chop the bottom half of my body off.

  “That’s it, Olivia. The head is crowning.”

  Oh. That’ll be it.

  “Not long to go, babe.” I opened my eyes to see his sad expression replaced with a hopeful one, his eyebrows not as lost as they had been, a tiny smile on his face.

  I felt euphoric at being so close to the pain being over, remembering just how good it felt when the boys had finally made their way out. Soon, I’d hold our little girl, and there would be nothing stabbing me in the guts or anywhere else.

  When the next contraction came, I closed my eyes again and pushed hard.

  Damn it. Get out of me.

  And just like that it was over, as I felt her slip out and into the hands of the midwife. The next few minutes were a blur as she was placed on my chest to meet me, and Logan kissed my temple, lingering on my skin as we met our daughter for the first time.

  She was beautiful, her head covered in dark hair. Grey eyes stared at us as her little head rested against my heart, her tiny hands waving.

  Logan and I fell in love.

  * * *

  We named her Chloe. I had no idea where the name came from, other than it being a name on the huge list we made that we both liked. And it suited her. She was a delicate little thing. The boys had both been big and demanding right from the start, but Chloe was more lady-like, not crying very much and feeding gently, not gulping, as Jack and Thomas had done.

  We came home the day after the birth, and the boys homed in on their sister as soon as I walked in the door. I sat on the couch and they sat either side, just staring at her, laughing when she moved a hand, gasping when she turned her head to look in their direction.

  “So boys, what do you think?” Logan asked them.

  “She’s so little,” said Thomas.

  “You were that little once too,” Logan said, chucking him under the chin. Thomas pushed his hand away.

  “Stop it.” He giggled. I loved the sound of the boys laughing. It happened so much these days.

  “She doesn’t look like us,” Jack said.

  “That’s because you’ve had time to grow. I can show you photos where she looks just like you.”

  He leaned on my arm. “We missed you.”

  I held Chloe out for Logan to take, and he scooped her up, winking at me. Holding open my arms for the boys, I hugged them both, one on each side. “I missed you too. Did you have fun with Grandma?”

  Thomas nodded.

  “She made us go to bed,” Jack said.

  “I should hope so. You guys need to get lot
s of sleep and grow to be big boys.”

  He pouted. “I wanted to see the baby.”

  “Well, you can see her all you like now. Just wait a few months and she’ll be crawling around and trying to keep up with you two.”

  Jack wrapped his arms around my waist, burying his face in my side. “What if she doesn’t like me?”

  I glanced at Logan. He stood over us, rocking Chloe in his arms, that faraway smile on his face a semi-permanent fixture. It’d take a while for that to disappear.

  “You know what? I think she’ll love both of you. She’s so lucky. She has two older brothers to take care of her, and play with her. I bet she’ll think you’re superheroes.”

  “If we are, can I be Batman?” Thomas asked.

  I laughed. “If you want to be.”

  I squeezed them until they protested, giggling and trying to squeeze me back.

  It was good to be home.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  With the children all asleep, the house was quiet. Logan was working late; he had a deadline to get a bike finished and tonight was the night. I’d covered his dinner, placing it in the fridge for him to heat when he got home. Him working late didn’t make me anxious, not like the old days with Evan.

  Now, I stood in front of the mirror, frowning as my jeans refused to button. This wasn’t the first time. I’d been here before, and my mind wandered to the days I’d confronted this issue after Jack and Thomas were born. I hadn't expected them to button up, I'd just been hopeful.

  I was so lost in thought that I didn’t hear Logan come up behind me. The scent of him overwhelmed me as he wrapped his arms around my waist, kissing my neck. I loved that all he smelled of was himself—no alcohol, no perfume, just Logan. And I had no doubt that home was the first place he’d come after finishing work.

  “Kids all asleep?”

  “They sure are. Couldn’t believe my luck.” I laughed as he nuzzled my ear.

  “It’s been a while, baby,” he murmured.

  “Four long weeks,” I said.

  He moved around, falling to his knees in front of me.