Every Last Breath

by Gaffney, Jessica

  Maggie tilted her head and stared at her friend. “He knows a little bit. But he doesn’t know what I went through.”

  She brought the mug to her lips. “Are you gonna tell him?”

  Maggie pulled at the seam of the couch cushion. Claire looked and Maggie and urged her, “You better do that soon, before you get too attached.

  “I know.”

  “I’m not kidding, Maggie, tell him as soon as he gets back.”

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Klaus went to Denver Monday morning, leaving Maggie alone. Koji’s new owners were flying her out to California so she needed to get the papers ready. This was the first time she would sign them and prepare the whole packet for Klaus. It was also another reason she wanted a raise. She rehearsed her reasoning while she checked on the kennels, making sure the help was doing their job. She checked the Yak Meat in the freezer and prepared the next weeks order. Mondays were typically busy, since calls backed up over the weekend.

  When Ben called on her lunch break, she knew it would be a short conversation. She hadn’t heard from him since Saturday night, which meant he was slammed.

  All she received from him Sunday was a text saying he was okay and there was a lot of work to do.

  “Hey stranger,” she said with yearning in her voice.

  “Hi,” he muttered.

  She could hear the exhaustion in his voice in just one word. “I take it things aren’t going so good.”

  “You’d be right,” he said shortly.“Listen I can’t really talk, just wanted to stay in touch. How’s Eli?”

  She twiddled a pen as she sat back in her office chair. “He’s fine. We went sledding yesterday up on Morgan Hill. It was a lot of fun.”

  “Good, I am glad to hear that,” his voice softened, but was still rushed. Maggie desperately wanted to be held in his arms. She needed him.

  “Yeah, maybe we could take him sometime.”

  “That sounds great. Listen I can’t say when I’ll be home, I think tomorrow, but it all depends.”

  Maggie assured him she understood.

  “What are you doing to keep busy?”

  She smiled. “Well Eli has a part in the school play. He’s a donkey, so I guess I need to sew a costume.”

  “That’s some costume.”

  “I’ll manage. The store in town usually has supplies for things like this.

  There was noise in the background. “Mag, I got to go. Let me try you tonight once I get back to the hotel.”

  “Okay.”

  “Bye.”

  It was an awkward call but at least he made an effort. She put her phone down and absorbed herself in the contract she was writing. If she hurried, she may have time to get that costume before she picked up Eli.

  It took her all morning but the costume was finally finished. Ben had returned late on Tuesday and drove to her house to say hello. Eli was thundering across the floor in his space pajamas, wanting to play.

  Ben patted his head, “You settle down and get some good sleep. Tomorrow’s a big day.”

  Eli looked up at him. “What’s tomorrow?”

  “Isn’t it your school play?”

  “Oh yeah,” He replied excitedly. “Are you going to come?”

  Ben walked him back to his room and tucked him in. “Mommy already read to me, but we can say prayers.”

  Maggie listened from the kitchen, she wasn’t sure Ben believed in God, or the Universe, or anything. But she definitely did and so did Eli.

  His faint voice warmed her heart as the words met her ears. “Lord above, thank you for this amazing boy. May you bring him strength, and power, laughter and sport. Thank you for his mom who loves him dearly and thank you for loving us all. Amen.”

  Maggie kept reminding herself not to get too involved. She hadn’t talked with Ben yet about her personal history and she wanted to tell him.

  When he came back to the kitchen, she had to cover her yawn. Maybe tonight was not the time to get into an elaborate story.

  Ben wrapped his arms around her. “I’m sorry I had to run off like that.” He kissed her head.

  Claire’s directives were ringing in her ears. Tell him— the sooner the better.

  “I missed you guys.”

  “We missed you too,” Maggie whispered as she nestled into his warm embrace. “I’m glad you are back.”

  He brushed her hair back with his hand. “Me too.”

  She felt the nerves rise in her throat.

  “Ben, I think we need to talk about my past. I’d rather you know now, who I am and what I’ve lived through, before I,” wait, she rephrased that. “Before we get too attached to having you around.”

  His sugary brown eyes melted her, as he stared at her from a foot away. “Couldn’t we talk about it tomorrow?”

  “That’s the thing, every time I want to tell you, either Eli interrupts or you have work, or I chicken out. I’d rather just tell you now. And clear the air.”

  Ben motioned toward the kitchen table. “Alright.”

  The table could seat six. No matter how hard she tried Maggie never felt at home in her own house. She and Eli did add up to a happy family. She needed something more. While she was open to adopting a child or having more, Ben also seemed like a great addition. A family unit was important to her. And she wasn’t settling for Ben, he was here and he liked her.

  “What’s this big secret life you have to tell me about?”

  Maggie wanted to come clean, to let him know how she thought and what she experienced. She had a lot of apprehension and fear, and she needed Ben to know the real her. With her hands in her lap and a quiet voice she proceeded.

  “Here goes. Jack started seeing things before we got married.”

  Ben twiddled his thumbs. “Huh?”

  “Jack started to see things that other people don’t.”

  Ben sat forward. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean Jack saw ghosts, demons, dead people, angels.”

  “What? Does the dude have paranoia or something?”

  “Could be,” she offered. “He’s never been diagnosed.”

  “Did he hurt you?” He asked tensing his jaw.

  Maggie prepared herself. “Yes, more than once.”

  He cupped her hands from across the table. “Maggie. I had no idea.”

  Her eyes welled up. “I’d rather just tell you now, that this may be what you are dealing with should we keep seeing each other.”

  His phone buzzed again. He looked at the number. “Oh.” He smiled. “Bad timing, but I was supposed to get some salt for my aunt and take care of the driveway. Let me drop off the bags before she goes to sleep, I’ll freshen up, and then I am coming back. Is that okay with you?”

  “I’d like that.”

  “I’m sorry to cut you off, but I’d rather take care of her, she’s been so good to me.”

  Anxiety had long been a source of adrenaline for Maggie. Waiting to see if Ben actually came back started her on this emotional merry go round. What if he didn’t come back, what would she tell Eli?

  Maggie popped a Gaba supplement after she walked Ben to the door. She scribbled a note and left it on her bedroom door.

  Talking about Jack made her nervous. She called Vala with her into the bathroom and stepped into a steaming hot shower. Maggie let the suds run over her tired skin. A few more minutes of bliss and her worries would wash down the drain. She squeezed the conditioner out of her hair and patted her face dry.

  If Ben had not returned she planned on sitting at the kitchen table with her laptop, maybe she could organize her unopened mail and catch up on the bills that she missed. But just in case he had, she slipped on a pair of yoga pants and draped a long sweater over her shoulders. Uncertain of the protocol she glossed her lips and toweled dried her hair.

  Vala followed her out of the room. The crackle of the fire in the quite house helped ease her tension.

  “Hey there,” Ben sat up as she walked out from the bedroom. He was laid up on the couch
with the TV on softly. “I hope you don’t mind but I bagged up some garbage that was strewn across the driveway. I wasn’t sure where Vala was so I didn’t put it in the garage.”

  “Thank you for doing that.”

  She saw the plastic bag tied up by the door. Ben really was a thoughtful guy. With that her heart opened a little wider.

  Maggie felt a poke on her shoulder. She jumped toward the center of the bed, her pulse racing. Her eyes flashed open to see Eli standing there. “Hi Mommy.”

  “Baby, don’t sneak up on mommy like that.”

  “But I didn’t, you were calling me.”

  “I was?”

  She pushed her hair back, it was wet. She must have been dreaming. “What time is it?

  “It’s after 8:00. That’s what Ben said.”

  Ben? That’s right, they had the talk. She told him about Jack and he actually stayed the night. She recalled some wine and falling asleep in his arms. The rest was a blur.

  She looked at Eli’s feet, noticing the oversized work boots. Thankful that Eli didn’t find Ben in her room, she reached for her robe and dashed into the bathroom. “I’ll be out in a second. Did you eat breakfast?”

  “Yes, Ben got us donuts.”

  “That was nice of him.”

  “Did he get the kind you like?”

  “Yeah. He let me pick out three.”

  Her throat tightened. “You went to the store with Ben?”

  “Uh huh.”

  He dashed back up the hallway and left her to stew. How could he take Eli out without her knowing? What was he thinking? With her adrenaline pumping, she followed him out of the bedroom ready to give Ben a piece of her mind.

  Vala sat perched on her bed, as if nothing were wrong. Eli ran around the living room with his toys, playing superhero. Ben had his back to her, and all she heard was the jangle of his spoon in a coffee mug. What could have been a pleasant morning, now put her on edge.

  “What are you doing?” she asked through clenched teeth, eyes held narrow.

  He turned toward her with a giant smile. “Good morning. Did you get some good sleep?”

  Maggie tightened her robe. Yes, she did— Not that it was his business. She ignored his question and shot back, “Why did you take Eli with you?”

  Ben’s smile flattened. “Oh. Um, I thought it was best if you got some solid rest. He was up at 6:15, so I thought,” his voice trailed off.

  “Well you thought wrong! If I woke up and didn’t see Ben, I would have thought the worst. I thought you’d understand that, after everything I shared with you.”

  By the look on Ben’s face, Maggie knew her point was sinking in. Eli took of his mask. “Don’t yell at Ben mommy. I wanted to go with him.”

  She saw a smudge of cream in his hair and knew he had a Boston cream donut with chocolate icing. It was too early for Eli to have all that sugar and besides, it was completely senseless for an adult to take someone’s child without their permission.

  Ben set his mug down. “Why don’t I let you guys have a peaceful morning. We can always talk later.”

  She walked to the fridge and opened it to survey what she wanted for breakfast. “Much later,” she snapped. Ben headed to the door after giving Eli an enthusiastic goodbye. The child gave him a high five and spun around. Then he cupped his hands over his mouth, “Sorry Ben. Mom gets moody.”

  Maggie rolled her eyes. Yes, there were times when her anxiety over Eli’s safety was a bit much, but when Eli got older he would understand. Right now, she wanted her house back. This is exactly the kind of misunderstanding that told her she was not ready for a relationship, and may never be.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Eli had asked about Ben the whole way down the mountain, hoping he would make it to the play. Maggie tried to dodge his questions. Claire was waiting in the lobby when Maggie arrived; she looked so stylish Maggie felt antiquated.

  “Running late are we?”

  “Honestly, boys can get into so much trouble?”

  “What happened?”

  The two got in line and trailed the other parents into the auditorium.

  “First, Klaus called, somehow he misplaced a contract I saved on the computer and needed me to find it. Next, Eli, while I was busy doing that, wore his costume around the house and put a skid mark in the donkey’s knee. Lastly, while I was sewing it at the kitchen table, I found a note that Eli wrote me that morning, when he went out for breakfast. I however, jumped to conclusions and yelled at Ben.” She pulled at her own lip. “So now he’s not coming, at least I don’t expect him too.”

  The principal introduced the Kindergarten choir, and first grade class in their performance of Bethlehem. The lights dimmed as Maggie shuffled her arms out of her coat. Claire poised her camera, which took incredible shots in low light.

  When the curtain opened, most of the class stood on risers, singing a song. The backdrop, provided by the art department, was of a starry night. As they sang a herd of shepherds approached the stage.

  “Where’s Eli?” Claire asked as she leaned on her tip toes.

  “He plays the donkey. You’ll see.” Eli had explained how the first grader who played the part, actually stood beside him in a way it looked like he was carrying her on his back.

  “I can’t believe Ben is missing this,” Maggie said sadly.

  Claire looked her way. “You’re the one who was mean to him.”

  “What was I supposed to do? I woke up, after the best nights sleep in my life only to find out that Ben had taken Eli out of my home without telling me.”

  “Exactly. You had the best night sleep of your life. You need to stop thinking everyone is like Jack. Move on. Trust someone.”

  Maggie huffed. She was trying. Claire needed to stop pushing her.

  At the end of the play, Eli lifted off his facemask and beamed as mom and Claire took pictures. He waved hello, his hand whipping back and forth like he saw Santa in the back of the room.

  The children were dismissed by class to be with their families. Something again that made Maggie nervous. But when Eli bounded off the stage and ran to the back her heart sped up. Ben was there, in the back. Even in the dim light she could tell it was him.

  Her heart warmed, but yet again her guard was up. She did not want to be made a fool of and she wanted some boundaries in his relationship to Eli. He can’t just take off with him like that.

  Ben picked up Eli and weaved through the crowd. Claire elbowed her in the ribs, “Looks to me like this kidnapper of yours has a real heart.”

  Maggie pulled her shoulders back as the two approached. “Did you see me mom. Was I good?”

  “You were so good. The best animal in the whole play.”

  Claire said hello to Ben and Eli interrupted. “We should go have hot chocolate. My teacher made us some backstage.”

  Claire ducked out claiming she had a last minute errand to run. Ben leaned down to Maggie. “I take it you never found our note?”

  She smiled uncomfortably. “I did, just after you left.”

  She walked alongside him. “Look, after everything I explained, I was just expecting a little more caution and courtesy on your side. What may be common sense to most people is a difficult reach for me. I am on guard most of the time and I’m learning to trust more.” She looked at his gentle eyes. “It may take a while.”

  Ben put his arm around her. “I’m sorry I was insensitive. I hope it’s okay that I came.”

  With the way Eli was hanging all over Ben, she assured him it was.

  “Mom can I ride home with Ben?”

  Ben shook his head. “Not tonight buddy. I have to head back to Denver, just wanted to come say hi.”

  Eli’s shoulders caved in.

  Ben put his hand on the boy’s head. “It’s just till tomorrow. I’ll come see you when I get back.”

  “Okay.”

  When Maggie pulled into the driveway she noticed one of her neighbors waving their arms. She pulled up toward the driveway and rol
led down her window.

  “A mountain lion has been in the neighborhood. Keep your eyes open.”

  “Thank you. Who spotted it?”

  “No one. Mrs. Von Eiffer found part of a deer in the back yard.”

  Maggie stiffened. The mountain lion had a clear shot to her back yard from the Von Eiffers. She was on alert. She headed up the road, now with another thing on her mind. The last sight she needed to come upon was a half eaten deer or whatever animal the lion decided to feed on.

  Her high beams lit up the road as she approached the house. A collection of papers had blown against the house. It wasn’t the first time the rogue winds delivered her neighbors recycling onto her property.

  She opened the garage door and ushered Eli into the house. Braving the wind she picked up the spare trash and cradled it against her. Most of it was newspaper advertisements that must have been picked up by the wind. She heard the tickle of a tin can as she scurried along. Reaching out to pick it up, she recognized the brand. Her heart stopped.

  Maggie shot straight up and looked around. That was Jack’s favorite beer. They didn’t sell this brand in Colorado. It was from a brewery in New York.

  She left the can where it lay and hurried into the house. Maggie hurried to the blinds and closed each one. She commanded Vala to sweep the house and the dog obeyed.

  The soft snow settled over Cascade before Maggie went to bed. Her internet search of the NY brewery kept her up past two a.m.. Somewhere after that she fell asleep only to have a nightmare sweep over her. This time, it was near dark. Maggie was running on that lone road with the sound of the truck approaching. As she dodged into the forest she heard a faint cry, this time it was not Vala, nor Eli. The voice was her own.

  Her eyes flashed open as the sound of the TV pricked her ears. Eli was awake. She grabbed her cell phone and checked the time. It was after 8:00. Eli had probably fed himself, and if the ground was frozen, he was not going to school.

  Before Maggie could get dressed the phone rang. It was Mrs. Gable from school. The family was on their way up to enjoy the sledding hills.