The Mystery of the Disappearing Underpants

by Nikki Young

  Part 4

  Week 4

  Secret Agent Diary by Harry Smith (Agent Bond 009)

  Monday

  After the football camp disaster last week, I’m never playing football again. In fact, I don’t think I will do any sports, or anything that means competing with James. Not without my lucky underpants, anyway.

  No one seems to understand and every time I bring up the subject of where they might be, or ask Mum if they’ve turned up yet, I get either shouted at (by my brother) or told to give it a rest (by Mum).

  Why don’t they realise all this trouble I’ve been getting into is because I don’t have those lucky pants anymore? I mean, getting caught hiding in Barry’s garden and not getting anywhere with the mystery of number 35, having to let Stacey join the agency, it’s all bad luck and bad luck happens when you don’t have good luck anymore. It’s like the law of physics, or something.

  Talking of Stacey, she’s taken over everything. AND she thinks she’s so cool it makes me sick.

  Stacey calls herself Agent Stacey Cortez, after one of the Spy Kids. It’s stupid. I still don’t like girls, but James said we had to let her join because we didn’t have any more information and the only way we were going to be able to solve this mystery is with her help. I’m not so sure. I think we could have done it without her and the way he’s carrying on you’d think he actually likes her.

  Today we went round to see Mrs O’Connor because we thought she might know something about Barry and Shona. We kicked our football into her garden so we had an excuse to knock on her door and, as usual, she invited us in (which is what we were hoping for).

  Mrs O’Connor always has really nice cakes and biscuits. She’s always baking and has been testing it out on me and my brother for as long as I can remember. I LOVE Mrs O’Connor’s baking. I wish my mum could make stuff like that but Mum doesn’t do any baking at all; she just buys stuff from the supermarket, which is OK, I suppose, but not as good.

  We arrived just as something was about to come out of the oven.

  ‘Wow, what are you making today, Mrs O’Connor? Smells awesome,’ I said.

  ‘Come in, come in, you lovely lot, you’re after my white choc chip cookies, so you are,’ Mrs O’Connor said. That was actually what she said, the exact words. Mrs O’Connor talks Irish and it sometimes sounds funny.

  ‘We came to get our football back, actually,’ said James, ‘but if you’re offering…’

  Mrs O’Connor shuffled to the kitchen to get the cookies out of the oven, and when James tried to grab one straight off the tray she smacked his hand away.

  ‘Oi be off wit ya,’ she said, ‘Ye can’t have it ‘til it’s cooled down a little.’

  So we all sat at the table staring at the cookies, which were ENORMOUS, and the smell of them was making my stomach rumble and my mouth water.

  ‘Would ya look at ye all,’ said Mrs O’Connor, ‘like little salivating puppies.’

  I really had no idea what that meant, but Stacey sat there giggling.

  ‘Mrs O, have you met the new neighbours yet?’ James asked.

  ‘I haven’t but I hear ye two have,’ she said looking at me and Stacey. I turned bright red and Stacey put her hand to her head and muttered ‘so embarrassing.’

  ‘We wanted to know why they only come to the house at night, that’s all,’ Stacey said.

  ‘You’re not the only one, lovey,’ Mrs O’Connor said. ‘I’ve been round there twice now. First with a Victoria sponge just after they moved in, then the other day I took round a tray of my finest tiffin, so I did, but there was no one there, so I left it on the doorstep with a note. Three days later I found the box on my doorstep with another note saying “thank you for the biscuits, they were lovely”. I mean, “biscuits” – is that what they thought they were? They didn’t even appreciate what I made for them or have the decency to knock on the door and thank me in person.’

  We all sat there in silence, each of us looking disappointed.

  ‘Mr Newsome has met them though.’

  Suddenly we all sat up straight. GRUESOME NEWSOME HAS MET THE NEW NEIGHBOURS.

  ‘Did he say anything about them? How did he meet them? When?’ We all asked questions at the same time.

  ‘Calm down you’s all. He met them when he was out walking his dog late the other night,’ she said.

  I didn’t even know Gruesome Newsome had a dog.

  ‘You see, he’s quite an old dog, doesn’t go out much but he needs his late-night walk so he doesn’t do a pee pee in the night,’ said Mrs O’Connor.

  Stacey giggled and James did a funny cough thing.

  ‘Did Grues…, I mean Mr Newsome say anything to you about them?’ I said.

  ‘Well, he said he was walking right by their house when they arrived on the drive and as they got out of their car Perky ran …’

  James and Stacey burst out laughing.

  ‘What?’ said Mrs O’Connor, ‘That’s the name of his dog, so it is. Do you want to hear this or not?’

  ‘Yes, yes, carry on Mrs O,’ James said, trying to control his laughter. I shot him an irritated look, hoping he’d get the message.

  ‘So, as I was saying, Perky ran off into their garden and grabbed something from Barry’s hand. Mr Newsome said Perky isn’t normally so naughty and he doesn’t know what got into him but he wouldn’t drop whatever it was. Barry, Shona and Mr Newsome ran round the garden after him and eventually Perky disappeared off and they couldn’t find him. When he came back, whatever he’d run off with was nowhere to be seen. The man, Barry, was ever so cross and he told Mr Newsome if he ever let his dog on his property again he would have him put down. I don’t think Mr Newsome was impressed.’

  We all sat in silence again until James reached out his hand towards the cookies.

  ‘They’re cool now, look,’ he said, picking one up.

  ‘Go on, then, you can have one each and let me know what you think next time I see you. Be off with you now.’

  We all sprinted towards the door and were just about to leave when Mrs O’Connor shouted from the kitchen.

  ‘What about your football, boys? Don’t forget to pick it up from the garden on your way out.’

  ‘Oh, we don’t need that right now,’ I said, ‘we’ve got loads more at home.’

  And then we left.

  THE QUESTION IS, WHAT DID PERKY TAKE FROM BARRY AND SHONA THAT WAS SO IMPORTANT – AND DID THEY FIND IT?

  Tuesday

  I couldn’t sleep because I’m fed up of getting nowhere with this case. So I got up early and used Max’s computer (because he stayed at a friend’s house last night) to look up on the internet how to be a spy. I’ve been awake for ages and have found loads of cool stuff. I made a list of what we have to do. Here it is:

  We need a leader or a captain and a deputy or vice-captain. I am going to say that I am the leader because this was my idea in the first place and we are using my shed for our meeting place. James can be the vice-captain and Stacey can be in charge of gadgets or something.

  We need a base – check. This can be our secret meeting place as well as a place to rendezvous after a mission (that’s when you meet up after).

  We need to be able to communicate with each other and, as we don’t have phones, the only thing we can use is walkie-talkies. I have some, which I forgot I even had, but we need another set so Stacey can have one too. Will have to discuss that in the meeting.

  We also need binoculars (which we’ve got), secret camera (we will have to use the video camera and make do), gloves (so we don’t leave fingerprints if we touch anything) and a mirror on a stick so we can see around corners.

  We need to wear a disguise. I don’t mean those silly glasses with funny noses and moustaches or anything, but perhaps we can use a hoody or Stacey could wear a wig or something. I’
ve got sunshades and a baseball cap and I’m sure James has too.

  We also need to make notes of everything – which is what I am doing in this secret agent diary. And we need to log everything we see, including times of Barry and Shona coming and going to the house.

  We need to practise talking in different accents and use the code for talking and writing secret messages to each other so that no one will know what we are up to.

  We need to gather intelligence for our mission – in other words, we need to know EXACTLY what the house is like, where each room is, make a map of the garden so we can find hiding places etc. and work out an escape route. Everyone needs to have a post, like a lookout station, at number 35.

  Finally, we should all try to act naturally and make sure we cover our tracks. And it would be really good if we could also pick locks.

  I’m going to take these notes to this morning’s meeting so that we can formulate a proper plan. By the end of today we should have a map of Barry and Shona’s garden and the outside of the house, so we’ll know where all the doors and hiding places are. We might even try to get in. I don’t think it’s alarmed as it’s so old and I haven’t seen one of those box things on the front.

  Hopefully, by the end of tomorrow we should have gathered some more intelligence and I’m hoping we will find some clues about what is happening there. I’m going to concentrate on this for now and try not to think about my lucky underpants and how bad my life is going to be without them.

  Wednesday

  The meeting went well, except the bit about who should be leader. James said it should be him because he is braver than me – so not true – and he didn’t get caught by Barry the other day like Stacey and I did, so technically he is the best spy. I said I wouldn’t have got caught if Stacey hadn’t been there and it was his idea to let her in, so technically it was his fault I got caught. Stacey said she had contributed the most information to the mission so she should be the leader.

  In the end, I won because I have all the equipment like the video camera and binoculars and walkie-talkies, and I said if the others wanted to use them AND use my den as a meeting place they would have to make me leader.

  We went to see if we could get into the back garden of number 35 and found a hole in the fence just big enough for us to squeeze through. It’s much better going in this way so no one asks why we are hanging around Barry and Shona’s garden. We thought about putting on our disguises and walking straight in there, but with Mrs O’Connor, Gruesome Newsome and Stacey’s granny always peeping out from behind their curtains, we knew we’d get recognised and told off again.

  Whilst we were in the garden, we made a plan of it and found some really good hiding places. The hole in the fence is our getaway exit too, so that’s another thing ticked off the list. Then we tried for ages to get into the house. There is no alarm (we checked), but we couldn’t find a spare key even though we looked everywhere, under all the old plant pots and anywhere where it might be an obvious place to hide one. Barry and Shona are professionals.

  James said he had read about picking locks and he’d brought some wire from his dad’s garage with him. But he couldn’t do it and in the end we had to give up. We spent the rest of our time looking around the garden trying to find the thing that Perky had taken from Barry. We were about to give up when …

  ‘I’ve found something,’ Stacey shouted.

  ‘Sshhh,’ James and I both said at the same time. Stupid Stacey might as well have let the whole street know what we were up to.

  ‘Oops, sorry,’ she whispered. ‘But come here… look. Where are the gloves?’

  Stacey put on the gloves I had brought and picked up something from the bushes.

  ‘Urgh, it’s all wet and sticky. Have you got an evidence bag?’ she said.

  ‘Here, I’ve got a sandwich bag,’ said James.

  We all looked at what Stacey was holding, wondering what it was.

  ‘It looks like a passport to me,’ James said.

  When we got back to the den, we took exhibit number 1 (that’s what we named it) out of the bag and examined it.

  ‘It is a passport,’ said Stacey. ‘But this person doesn’t look like either Barry or Shona.’

  ‘So who is it then?’ I said.

  AND WHAT DID BARRY WANT WITH IT THAT WAS SO IMPORTANT?

  Thursday

  We decided that whoever the passport belongs to must be important because of the way Barry and Shona reacted when Perky took it from them. That means we have something they want. Somehow, we have to lure them into a trap, pretending we are going to give it back (without telling them it’s us, of course) and when we do, we can steal their keys and get into their house for a closer look.

  I think the luring bit will be easy, as we can make a note by cutting out different letters from a newspaper and using them to make the words. I’ve seen that on the telly before. It’s the trap bit we are stuck with. Here are our ideas so far:

  We tell them a rendezvous point and, when they get there, we hide and we put the passport on top of a big pile of leaves covering a great big hole. When they try to get it, they will fall into the hole and be trapped. Only trouble is, they might have their house keys with them, which we won’t be able to get if they are both stuck down a hole.

  We make the meeting point at their house and set up a trip wire. When they fall over it, we jump out and put a big blanket over them so they can’t see. Then we tie them up in the blanket so they can’t escape.

  We go round to their house when they are in, slip a note under the door saying we have the passport and to meet us in the shed at the bottom of the garden. When they go into the shed, we lock the door and trap them in there. Whilst they are trapped inside, we can go and look in their house.

  We thought this last idea might just work. When we were finished, we could escape through the back fence. We went to check whether we could lock the shed and discovered it has one of those locks that you pull a piece of metal across and put a padlock through it. It doesn’t have a padlock on it at the moment, but we can easily get one. Then all we have to do before we escape is open the padlock. Hopefully, with it opened, they will be able to loosen it off by pushing the door so that they can get out once we’re gone.

  Now to make the note…

  Friday

  We posted the note through Barry and Shona’s front door and then got to work making stick mirrors so when we’re hiding in the bushes we’ll be able to see when they come out of their house towards the shed. We decided not to take our walkie-talkies with us as they make a beeping noise every time you finish talking and release the button.

  James came up with the idea of blackening our faces so we can’t be seen in the bushes.

  ‘No way am I doing that,’ Stacey said.

  James and I laughed.

  ‘What do you think we’re going to use – mud? Dog poo?’ I said.

  ‘I am going to be sick,’ said Stacey.

  ‘Don’t be an idiot, Stacey, we’ll use face paint, of course.’

  ‘I knew that,’ Stacey said.

  But judging by the look on her face, she was lying. She really did think we were going to put dirt on our faces for our disguise. Maybe spies did have to do that before face paint was invented, but luckily we don’t. And luckily, I have some face paint because Mum bought me some for last Halloween. It has black and white, as well as red, and it also had really cool fake blood, but I used all that up.

  We decided to use a fox noise to communicate with each other. We only needed to do it as a signal to go into action. It was my idea to use the fox noise, as the fox was the culprit of the missing washing: our very first case. I thought it might bring us good luck and we needed that if we didn’t have my lucky underpants to rely on.

  I wish I hadn’t just written that. I’ve been trying really hard not to think
about my bad luck without my pants. Sometimes I forget though.

  We practised the fox call for ages. It’s sort of like a baby crying. I thought I was best at doing it, but Stacey said she was. I don’t know why she always has to disagree with everything I do; it’s as though she likes arguing with me or something.

  ‘James, you sound more like a wolf,’ I said. ‘And we don’t have wolves around here. It will give us away.’

  ‘No, I don’t,’ James said, but he practised some more anyway. In the end, he sounded more like a dog, which is better than a wolf, so I didn’t say anything. We agreed I would make the first call (as I am the leader): the signal to get into position. James would answer next, as my deputy, then, as soon as Stacey did hers, we would jump out and lock Barry and Shona in the shed (hopefully).

  I convinced Mum to let us sleep in the tent in the garden, so James and I got dressed in dark clothes and painted our faces black. Then we waited for Stacey to arrive. Her mum and dad were out and her granny was babysitting. Stacey said it would be easy to get out of the house as her granny is deaf and never goes and checks on them because she is too old to go up the stairs.

  When Stacey arrived, James painted her face too. Stacey brought snacks, which was a good idea to give us energy for the mission. We were all ready to go. I picked up my backpack full of spy things.

  At 10:00 p.m. on the dot, Barry and Shona stepped out of their back door and walked towards their shed. From my hiding spot, I gave the signal to get ready. James replied and when Stacey did her fox noise we jumped out behind Barry and Shona.

  First, I threw my Spiderman net over their heads and they got all tangled up. Then we pushed them into the shed and padlocked the door. It all happened very fast and I couldn’t believe that the first part of the plan had actually worked.