I try to ignore it and fail. It’s persistent whatever it is. I feel frustration simmer below the surface. Snapping my eyes open I glare at the offending... Jace he was staring at me. His fingers were running over my cheek.
I was helpless to do or say anything for the moment. He just stares at me. “Are you really here?” I whisper. Tears fill my eyes. I can’t hold them back they overflow and run down my cheeks. “Is it really you? Or am I dreaming again?” I ask him.
“Ella.” His voice is hoarse. He swallows hard. “Baby. What are you doing here?” he asks. His voice filled with sadness. I sit up fast. Grabbing his face between my hands, I kiss him. Just a light press of my lips to his.
I could feel him. He was real. My Jace was here with me. I wasn’t dreaming. My heart felt like it was going to burst. “I thought you were dead” I cry loudly. My chest constricts painfully. Not in sadness but happiness. It was so overwhelming.
I can’t take my eyes from his face. I never wanted to either. I never thought I would see him again. The very idea has my stomach dropping. I feel sick. Scooting down the bed I make a dash for the bathroom. Barely making it. I drop to my knees and empty my already empty stomach.
“Ella” Jace shouts from the other room. I want to respond but I can’t. My stomach contracts painfully as it tries to empty more and coming up empty. “Ella.” He shouts louder. The bedroom door crashes open and Beau comes rushing in.
Jesse was right behind him. He came into the bathroom and helped me up. Pouring some water, a cup from the faucet. He hands it to me. I give him a grateful smile. “You need to stay in bed.” Beau shouts at Jace.
“Ella” he shouts again. I look at Jesse. He steps aside and I pass him and slowly make my way back to the bed. Fast movements I have learned is not a good idea. Jace is fighting to sit up. Beau is holding him down.
“It’s okay Jace I just haven’t felt very well. It will pass.” I tell him. I finish in my head with yeah in like seven months. I see his eyes and they look wild. I reach out and take his outstretched hand. I watch some of the tension leave his body.
This has been hard on him as well. “We need to get him into the bathroom.” Beau says not looking directly at me. I feel a smile tug at my lips. “No, don’t leave.” Jace says desperately. Leaning down I kiss his lips. “I’m going to sit right here on the bed and wait for you. Jesse, can you ask Emilia for something to settle my stomach. She knows what to do.”
Judging by the looks both Beau and Jesse sent me, I can tell they know why she would know that. I sigh loudly. I needed to talk to Jace right now before someone else figures it out. Beau leans into Jace and helps him up.
The blanket pools on the floor and I get my first real look at him. There was a bandage on his chest, maybe two inches from his heart and on the back, another just below his shoulder blade. Through and through.
They hobble to the bathroom. I watch them until I can’t see them. “Ella?” I hear Jace shout. “Here Jace I’m right here.” I tell him loudly. Trying to think of a way to tell him about the baby. I was honestly not sure how to do it.
Do I just blurt it out? No that doesn’t seem like a good idea. Maybe I give him the birds and the bees talk? I let out a loud snort. Jace does not in any way, shape or form need to have that talk. He knows how it all works.
Should I wait until he was better? The way people are figuring it out, I can’t have him learning it from another. I was so lost in my thoughts I didn’t notice Beau helping Jace back onto the bed. Beau walks back into the bathroom and comes back with a cup of water.
Jace takes big gulps. “How long have I been out?” Jace asks Beau. “About a week. We honestly thought you weren’t going to make it.” Beau responds. “I asked Emilia to heat up some broth for you.” Beau tells Jace. Then he’s gone.
I open my mouth to say something. Anything really. But before any words leave my mouth, Jesse was back. He had a ginger ale in one hand and crackers in the other. “Thanks Jesse.” I tell him taking the crackers happily.
Not just because they will help settle my stomach, but it will give me a reason to keep my mouth shut. There were so many things I wanted to say. They were all jumbled up in my head and I couldn’t put them into order.
This buys me the time to try to find the right words. “Sweetheart, I’m so sorry.” Jace says sadly. I look at him. Sorry? For what? The questions must have been written all over my face because he answered them. I know I didn’t ask my mouth was full of cracker. And I didn’t see it all over him so I must have kept my mouth shut.
“I left you. I almost died. I’m so sorry baby, I can never take that back. But I’m glad I helped save those girls.” he started quietly kind of subdued then his voice had turned firm. “Jace its okay. It hurt to think you were gone, I had no idea if I was going to survive it. But the fact you saved them. I was proud. I still am proud of you.” I tell him quietly.
The smile that shaped his face was so beautiful it hurt to look at it. To look at him. I thought I would never see this again. Have this again. Tears well in my eyes. Stupid pregnancy is making me a weepy tear bucket.
I lean forward and rest my head on his abdomen. “While your down there...” He jokes. I slap his belly. The ass. He moans in pain. Shit! Sitting up fast I look at him feeling contrite. “I’m so sorry.” I cry. His hand slips to the back of my head pressing down until my head is resting on his abdomen again.
“I deserved that.” He laughs again. Causing my head to bounce slightly. Not that I’m complaining, but his abdomen was like hitting a rock. If this is a dream I never want to wake up. His hand was caressing my hair.
“I’m pregnant” I blurt out. His hand stills instantly. He says nothing. Not a word. No sound leaves his body. I was afraid he may have stopped breathing. But I didn’t want to look at him. I don’t think he wants us anymore. My eyes fill with tears again.
I swat them away. Sitting up I keep my back to him as I crawl from the bed. I run out of the door not looking back. I can’t. His silence was enough, I didn’t want to see the disgust, maybe even anger on his face.
I feel all that progress I made fall away. I thought I was healing. I was starting to feel better. This was worse than thinking he was dead. The very idea I have to watch him with another as I raise our child felt like a knife to the gut. I swear someone was carving my heart out.
I pause right before I reach the main room. Trying to compose myself before walking into the room. Jesse was sitting at the bar, nursing a beer. I beeline right for him. I was like a heat seeking missile.
“I want to leave. Can I have my keys please.” I pat myself on the back mentally. My voice sounded even, normal, even. Jesse looks at me for the moment. I could see it, he was going to protest. I push on his chest. Forcing him to stand. I could see the shock written all over his face. My hand dives into his pocket.
Yes! I wrap my fingers around the keys and remove my hand quickly. Before another word was spoke I was running. Running from this life. Running from Jace. Running from my demons. I think I may have hated myself more than Jace at the moment.
I let him close again. I let him hurt me again. How could I be so stupid. I let the walls crumble with his death and I was so lost, I didn’t bother re-erecting them. I guess when I was alone with him, he made me feel home again. He made me feel whole again.
I don’t think I will ever be whole again. Reaching my car as I heard screams and feet pounding on the ground behind me. I was faster though. Slamming the door, I lock it and start the car. I was backing out before anyone reached me.
I needed time. Time to think. Time to come to terms with this. Jace will find another old lady. I will become a distant past to him. A barely their memory. Our child will not exist to him at least. He or she will never know about Jace.
My shoulders feel so heavy. Maybe I could move here. Live with Beau and Emilia. When Jace came around I could become scarce. I wouldn’t have to see him with her. The nameless, faceless replacement. My replacement.
I c
ould feel the ice forming in my chest. Yes, I need this. I need the cold if I was going to survive this. I know it’s not safe to be out like this. Out here alone. But I don’t think it’s safe for me back there right now either.
My cell phone hasn’t stopped ringing yet. I press the power button on the side until the screen goes black. There were so many emotions running through me, I couldn’t decipher them all. But as the ice spreads I feel myself go numb.
I never went completely numb before, not even when I thought he was dead. This feels amazing. All the pain, love, anger, sadness, it all just washes away. I drive around for a few hours. It was really quiet up here.
Tree’s and lakes everywhere. So many winding roads here. I could get lost and never find my way back. It was a comforting thought. The thought of never finding my way back. Never again having to face reality. Never again having to face my hell.
I think of all that has happened to me over the years. My parent’s death, Brandon and now Jace. Those thoughts would have killed me before. Now. Well, now I feel nothing. I smile. I wished for this very thing before. Now that I have it. I never want to go back.
Life can’t touch me here. In this frozen plane. Where feelings were nonexistent. I wonder if my chest is cold to the touch. It felt like a block of ice had settled there and made itself a permanent residence.
Chapter 20
Jace
One minute she was there and then she was gone. She dropped this bombshell on me and I was at a loss for words. What did I say to something like that? Was I happy about the baby? Yes. Was I in love with Ella? Yes.
Then why had words failed me. I watched her run out of the room and I was powerless to stop her. I was trapped in this bed. Jesse comes storming in a few minutes later. His face contorted in anger. Something that only shows when he’s killing.
“What the fuck did you do?” He demands. I feel anger surge through me. “None of your fucking business Jesse. Get the fuck out of here and tell Ella to come back.” My voice cracks a little at the end.
“She’s fucking gone asshole.” He shouts at me. Beau walks into the room. His face blank. “Get out Jesse. You need to be out looking for her.” He states calmly. “How the fuck do I do that? She took the car.” he says in frustration.
“Take Jace’s bike. It’s his old lady out there alone and vulnerable.” Beau says in that calm voice I was starting to hate. Jesse gives me a look of hatred before leaving the room. The door slams behind him. “Where the fuck is she Beau?” I demand.
“Well, if you were paying attention she’s gone. We have no clue where she went.” His voice was cold. “So, what happened, hmm? Did she tell you she was pregnant? Let me guess you told her to get rid of it?” He asks in a disgusted voice.
I feel fear for the first time in my life. Ella was out there pregnant with our child. Alone and upset. I did this. “How did you know about the baby? Did she tell everyone?” I ask in frustration. Lashing out at him. “Now it was obvious. She was sick asked for Emilia’s help. I have a pregnant old lady so I put two and two together.”
“Now answer the question. Did you tell her to get rid of it?” His voice was cold. “No, I said nothing.” I reply weakly. He shakes his head at me. “You want the kid? You want Ella? You need to figure this shit out.” He tells me.
“Yes, I want them both.” I shout out. Finally, I find the fucking words. Just not for Ella. She was the one that needed to hear that. Not Beau. “I fucked up man. There was just so much shit that hit me all at once. I was happy when she told me, but I was shocked. Shit.”
“I need to find her.” I try to get up, but he pushes me back onto the bed. “Keep your dumbass in this bed.” he snaps at me. “Jackal and Hyde took off after her. Jesse just left. They will find her Jace.” his voice was strong and firm.
Almost convincing, but not enough for me. My old lady was out there. I need to fucking get to her. “Would you sit back if it was Emilia?” I ask him in exasperation. I could see it in his, eyes he would lite this town on fire to find her.
“Shit Jace. I can’t fucking let you go. You can’t even stand on your own.” his voice finally has a tone of understanding. Frustration consumes me. I need to find her. Beaus phone rings. Not taking his eyes from me he answers it.
Yeah, I would be out of this bed and out the door given the smallest chance. “Yeah. Okay, keep on her.” He hangs up and looks at me. “Ella is just driving around. Looks like she staying close. Guess she just needed some time.” He says with relief.
That brings me the opposite of relief. No. if she’s out there driving around that means she’s thinking. I don’t want her to think right now. I could guess what she’s thinking not that it would take a rocket scientist to figure it out.
I close my eyes in anger. She’s going to leave me. I wouldn’t blame her either. It was a fucking shock to hear that after getting shot and thinking I would never see her again. The thought we had made a child together. It was an amazing thought.
I loved her. “Does she know I love her? Did you tell her that Beau?” I ask quietly. This is important if he did she may forgive me. She will know I care. That I want them both. “No, ” he says. Fuck! I want to pull at my hair.
She’s out there thinking I don’t love her. That I don’t want her or our child. For the first time in my life I feel tears fill my eyes. I didn’t even cry when mom died. I felt nothing when dad died. The thought of losing her has me wanting to cry like a baby.
Exhaustion weighs down on me. I fight to stay awake. But fail as my eyes close. The door opening wakes me. Ella was standing there looking at me. Her face was blank. I could see nothing in her eyes. She looked cold and closed off.
My heart hurts looking at her. Opening my mouth to tell her how I felt. I halt when she holds up her hand. “I can’t do this with you. I want to let you know I asked Jesse to take me home. I think I’m going to move up here with Beau and Emilia.” She whispers.
My heart felt like it was being ripped open. “No.” I tell her. She starts to leave. “You walk out that door and I will hunt you to the ends of this earth. I refuse to let you go.” I tell her firmly. She stiffens and looks at me over her shoulder.
“I’m keeping this baby Jace. I can’t sit back and watch you move on with someone else. And you made it obvious that this child is not wanted.” She says plainly. Almost empty. She sounded empty. I did this to her with my silence.
I try to sit up. Failing I fall back in pain. “I want you both Ella. I fucking love you. I love this child. I was just shocked baby. I feel nothing but happiness when I think of us creating a child together.” My voice was hoarse. Tears are in my eyes again.
“Please don’t leave me.” My voice cracking as the first tear fell. I don’t bother hiding it. “The very idea that I won’t have you and our child in my life is too much.” I reach for my knife on the table next to our bed. “Just gut me and get it over with.” I tell her honestly.
I watch as she shakes her head. She turns back around so I can’t see her. “Look at me Ella.” I tell her firmly. She wasn’t leaving this room without me. “You step out of this room, I will follow you even if I have to drag myself.”
Her shoulders start shaking. “No, you hurt me one too many times Jace. This needs to stop.” Her voice was both sad and cold. “This is not over sweetheart. You’re it for me. Not even death remember.” I tell her. I watch her crumple to the floor.
I want to hold her. If she would just come closer. I could wrap my arms around her. Hold her close. Smell her sweet scent. “Get over here Ella. I promise no more. I will never hurt you again. I love you baby.” I wish she would tell me she loved me.
Turning around, she crawls to me. Her eyes red from her tears. Her beautiful face blotchy and sad. When she climbs onto the bed and curls up next to me. Her face averted. I want to see her. Look into her eyes. Touch her.
“Sweetheart, come here.” She rolls over and looks up at me. “Do you really mean all that Jace. You can’t just want this one minu
te, then change your mind over and over again.” I grab her chin gently and kiss her lips. “I meant every fucking word baby.” I say against them.
Her sob was loud. It hurt to hear it. “I love you Jace.” Her voice was hesitant. I did this to her. Moving my hand from her chin I place it on her abdomen caressing it gently. “I love you both sweetheart.” I kiss the top of her head.
“Take a nap with me sweetheart.” I say with a yawn. I hate this shit. Being so tired. Not being able to pull her close. Make love to her. I feel her body relax into the bed and her breathing even out. The door opens slowly Jesse and Beau stand there taking it all in.
They both nod at me and close the door silently. I mouth thanks to them both before they’re completely out of sight. When sleep claims me, I’m at peace for the first time in my life.
Chapter 21
Ella
So much for my hard-won resolve and cold heart. He melted it with a few words. It has been three weeks since that day and we were finally home. I was happy to be here. As much as I love Emilia I missed home.
We got the call yesterday Emilia finally had the Twins Damion and Joshua. I was finally starting to show. I look down at my slightly rounded tummy. It was a barely there bump. Jace found it fascinating and every chance he got he was giving it kisses or talking to it.
It was my birthday today. And I was making my favorite kind of potatoes. I know they’re good just about every way, but these are just amazing. Herb roasted potatoes. Just yummy. Pulling them from the oven I look at the lemon herb chicken I decided to make with it. Lunch was a full meal these days.
Not that Tessa complained. Both of us devoured most of it. Speak of her and she will appear. “Ella oh that smells so fucking good.” she says on a moan. I laugh. She’s right, it does. I plate ours first. Load it down with two pieces of boneless chicken and a huge serving of potatoes. I add some sweet peas.
Jace: The Son's Of The Apocalypse MC Page 11
