Learning to Walk Again

by S. L. Kassidy

  “It was her. She took me from them during holidays and my birthday and didn’t even celebrate with me. She just didn’t want me to celebrate with them or them to celebrate with me. I dunno.”

  “That’s awful.” How the hell could a mother do that? Of course, Nicole still couldn’t figure out how Christine could damn near give Danny away or allow Russell to abuse her. Something was wrong with that woman.

  Danny shrugged. “Not really surprised, but I am. I mean, why else wouldn’t they celebrate at least a birthday with me or something? They said they tried, but I freaked out or whatever. Don’t remember any of that. But, they tried and she blocked them at every corner, keeping me from them or threatening them. This seems so…I dunno…beyond or something. Like, does she hate me that much?”

  Nicole kissed Danny’s cheek. “I don’t think she hates you. But, I’m not sure what she was doing. I don’t understand the point of leaving you with them every average day, but keeping you on holidays.”

  Danny huffed. “To not do anything with me at that. What the hell?”

  “I don’t know, baby.” Nicole sighed. Christine didn’t make sense and probably never would. “You freaked out during a birthday party?”

  “They said I hid in the doghouse. Don’t remember any of that. Makes me wonder why I’d react like that. Probably some more Christine bullshit.”

  Nicole took a deep breath and nuzzled Danny. “I’m sorry, love.”

  “Gonna talk to her about it. Maybe tomorrow or something. You’ll be there?”

  Nicole kissed the end of Danny’s nose. “I’m always there for you.”

  Danny sighed and cuddled in close. “I know. I love you.”

  “I love you, too.” Nicole breathed a sigh of relief. She hadn’t messed things up for once, and Danny wanted her there when she spoke to Christine. That was good.

  Knowing she wasn’t to blame for anything didn’t help Nicole fall asleep any faster. She watched Danny sleep, which didn’t help either. How could Christine keep Danny from having a childhood? What type of mother not only didn’t celebrate her child’s birthday, but also prevented others from doing so?

  Nothing would ever make up for that missed time. But, more importantly, would Danny ever be able to move forward? With Christine actively wreaking havoc against her until she had moved out of the house? Nicole wanted to make things better, but how?

  No, no, no. She stopped herself from thinking that. Things worked best with her and Danny when she supported Danny’s decisions rather than going out and trying to do something. She’d support Danny speaking with Christine and be there for her regardless of what happened, as Danny would do the same for her. Danny had done the same her. I’ll be there. I’ll always be there.

  Chapter Five

  NICOLE HELD DANNY’S HAND as they sat on their couch and waited for Christine. Danny had paced the whole morning before managing to call Christine. Poor dear could barely get out that she needed to talk. Christine hopped on the invitation, undoubtedly taking the need to talk in some other way than Danny intended. Nicole wondered how Christine would take it when Danny looked at her as the monster she might possibly be.

  Nicole tried her best to give Christine the benefit of the doubt, to somehow convince herself there was a mother in there somewhere for Danny. Sure, she wasn’t trying to push Danny to find that mother anymore, but the emotion was there. Now, she wasn’t certain. When Christine looks at Danny—looked at Danny as a child—maybe she only saw something that belonged to her. Something she didn’t want, but didn’t want others to have either.

  Unfortunately, since Danny wasn’t some toy, Christine’s selfish behavior had utterly disrupted her life. Could Christine see that? Did she care? Did it bother her? Well, they might find out soon. Nicole didn’t plan on talking, but she was there for support if those answers came or failed to come.

  The doorbell rang, and Danny almost jumped out of her skin, bouncing on the sofa as her eyes shot to the door, wide open along with her mouth. Haydn whined and backed up from his space at Danny’s feet. Even Nicole’s muscles twitched from the sound. Suddenly it was hard to breathe, like the air could strangle them. If she felt this nervous, she could only imagine how Danny felt. Tension piped through the house like the heat.

  “I’ve got it,” Nicole said, patting Danny’s hand and standing.

  Danny nodded, rose to her feet, and went back to pacing, limping through the living room, while Nicole answered the door. Christine smiled at her as she stepped in. Nicole didn’t even have it in her to fake a smile. How can this woman smile? How can she go on?

  Nicole turned away to shut the door while Christine shrugged out of her thick fur coat. Her flowery perfume, which usually seemed subtle, wafted and the smell of it gagged Nicole. She hung Christine’s coat up, if only to escape the deadly scent.

  “Dane, you wished to talk,” Christine said, practically chirped, having no idea what she was in for.

  Danny paused mid-step and locked eyes with Christine. Those grey eyes burned with the intensity of the flames of Hell. For the first time, Danny looked at Christine as if she hated her. There was no confusion, no mixed emotions, just pure disdain. Christine sniffed, possibly trying to keep her composure. Nicole hurried to Danny’s side, in case she snapped.

  “Christine, nice of you to make it,” Danny said through gritted teeth. Her stance was rigid, and she leaned to put more weight on her left leg. Nicole was tempted to suggest her lover sit down, but decided against it. She’d let Danny handle the situation.

  “Is this about Adam’s reaction to the Briarmoors? I assure you that won’t happen again,” Christine replied.

  Danny tilted her head and gnawed the corner of her bottom lip briefly. “Why did it happen in the first place?”

  Christine glanced away and took a deep breath. It seemed like she was going to just stand there. Danny glared at her.

  “Well?” Danny pushed, her voice a little louder and much harsher than before. Christine winced. “Why did Adam seem to think the Briarmoors hurt you when we both know it was the other way around?”

  Gasping, Christine looked up with wide, blue eyes, like she was shocked by the accusation. “What do you mean? What did they say?” Her voice shook as she glanced around the room.

  Danny waved the question off. “It doesn’t matter what they said. What the hell is wrong with you? Playing at this game of wanting something from me when you’ve done so much shit to me. Do you realize they were my last shot at a normal life?” She threw her hand out, and her mother flinched. “Do you even grasp how messed up I was? Do you even care?”

  “Of course, I care,” Christine insisted. She leaned forward, like she was about to move, but she remained rooted in place.

  “No, you care now!” Danny pointed at her, jabbing at the air with a tense hand. “Did you care back then? Did you care I never had a birthday party? Did you care I never got Christmas presents? Did you care about my grades? Did you care if I had a bedtime? Hell, if I had a fucking bed? Did you care if I had clothes on my back? Did you care if I ate? Did you care about anything at all about me?”

  Christine nibbled her lip, like she was thinking of a lie. Danny’s hand ran through her already mussed ebony hair, and she went back to pacing. Nicole let her go. The movement might help her work through the frustration.

  “You never cared, did you? You tell yourself you did because you want to feel something like a human being, but you didn’t care.” Danny shook her head. “How could I ever think you cared?”

  Christine opened her mouth, but nothing came out. She put her hand over her mouth and made a noise that almost seemed like a sob. The sound thumped through Nicole, and her nerves jumped. It felt like she might fall apart and they hadn’t even started really, and she wasn’t even a part of the argument. Haydn whimpered and went by the back door, focusing on the yard, before retreating to the music room. Nicole wished she could leave the room, but she couldn’t abandon Danny.

  “It’s complicated,�
� Christine muttered through a quivering mouth.

  “Un-complicate it for me,” Danny said as her face turned bright red. “Un-complicate how you pull away a child who just wanted to be loved from the people who actually fucking loved her? What the hell did you want them to do with me? Keep me in the yard like one of the fucking dogs?”

  Christine took a shivering breath and looked at Danny with wet eyes, like she was about to cry. Like she deserved to cry! It made no sense at all. This manipulative cow. That was the only reason Nicole could figure out Christine dared to tear up. She was trying to manipulate Danny’s emotions, gain sympathy, and possibly get off scot-free.

  “I couldn’t stand the idea that you liked them so much!” Christine blurted out. She gasped again and put her hand over her mouth once more.

  Nicole’s eyes went wide. Dear lord, she truly was like a spoiled brat with a toy she didn’t want, but also didn’t want others to have. Nicole looked at Danny, wanting to gauge her reaction. She didn’t even flinch, seemingly immune to Christine’s words.

  Danny stared at Christine with an arched eyebrow. “Of course, I liked them! They treated me like a kid. Like a fucking person. Like I mattered. What the fuck did you ever treat me as?”

  Christine whimpered and slinked back a little. “I understood you were a kid.”

  “The fuck you did!” Danny slapped her hands together, and the noise made Christine jump. “You fucking gave me to them and then fucking fucked up all of our shit because they tried to act like fucking parents and wanted the fucking best for me! Do you realize how fucked up that is?” Danny tapped against her temple.

  “That was the problem. I complained all the time that they were trying to steal you from me, steal your affections, become your parents. They weren’t your parents. I was.” Christine clawed at the air, as if she was trying to tear the heavens down. “It burned me up that they could have what was denied to me, and I did horrible things, yes.”

  Letting loose a loud scoff, Danny stepped a little closer, eyes boring into Christine. “You were denied being my parent? You fucking really think that? You chose not to be my parent. Then, to keep screwing me over, you made that choice for them as well because you’re petty as fuck.”

  Christine took another breath, but her chest heaved like she couldn’t get enough air. “I suppose I did.” Her voice was small, tearful.

  Danny ceased to move mid-stride as her mouth fell all the way open. “What?”

  Nicole wanted to say the same thing, but managed to keep her mouth shut. Who would’ve expected Christine to admit she was wrong? Was this more emotional manipulation? Was this something else that’d come back to haunt Danny? Nicole held the questions in, but she planned to say something if she thought she needed to.

  Shaking her head, Christine sighed, her narrow shoulders dropping. “You’re right. I have to stop acting like I haven’t done anything wrong. I mean it every time I tell you I want us to have something. I wanted it back then, too, but I didn’t want it at the same time. I was scared and selfish. I’d like to think I’m not that anymore.”

  Danny collapsed onto the couch, eyes locked onto the floor. Hopefully, she knew the sofa was there and hadn’t simply buckled under the weight of the confession. Nicole sat down right next to her, and Danny grabbed her hand, holding it tight. Danny’s face was flushed a deep crimson and she couldn’t even look at Christine, who stared at her with shimmering eyes.

  “Dane, I know I’ve done terrible things to you, just by virtue of not being there. It seems I’ve done even worse when I was there. I don’t want to keep doing that.” Christine pressed her hands together as if pleading with Danny to understand.

  Danny put her hand to her forehead. “How can I trust that? How the hell can I ever trust you’re here because you want to know me? You had a chance, and you ruined it for everyone involved, several times over. Who else besides Adam thinks the Briarmoors did something to you? The whole neighborhood? What lies did you tell to people to cover up why they had your child?” Danny shook her head, as if trying to make sense of any of this.

  Nicole rubbed her finger against her chin. Danny had good questions. That’d help her keep her mouth shut. But, she hoped Christine had “good” answers. Nothing Christine said could be truly good, but something to help Danny move forward.

  Christine looked away for a moment, her jaw trembling as tears slid down her cheeks. “Clearly, I’ve done things in the past I’m ashamed of. Surely, you understand that.”

  Danny glared at Christine so hard she had to take a full step back. “Are you really throwing my shitty life at me like it wasn’t your fault?”

  Christine put her hands up in surrender. “I didn’t mean it that way. I just mean, you know what it’s like to do something you regret.”

  Danny shot up to her feet. “I didn’t know any better when I was fucking up, and I don’t have a whole lifetime of fucking up someone else’s life in my wake!” She threw her hand out behind her. Nicole stood next to her, tense, ready to catch Danny if she fell, in every possible way.

  Sighing, Christine wiped away her tears. “No, you don’t. Making you the better person out of the two of us.”

  Danny growled. “Don’t you dare try to sweet talk me. Don’t try to act sorry now that you got caught in another massive web of lies. You say you’re ashamed, but that’s probably only because you got caught. If I didn’t know this shit, you’d have never said anything and lived life like you’re totally fine.”

  That rang true considering what Christine continued to do. Christine seemed like she opened up to Danny that one time when she showed up with her box of keepsakes and then pressed on like everything else was fine, pressed on like she hadn’t done tons of terrible things. What else had Christine not mentioned that might come to light? Nicole wondered if Christine was actually a sociopath and enjoyed messing with Danny’s mind. All of this, the sorrow and remorse, was an act. Everything was an act.

  Christine wrung her hands together. Out damn spot. But, was it right to even think of Christine as Lady MacBeth? Time would tell, if Danny allowed it.

  Christine swallowed hard, her throat moving up and down for them to see. “I know what I did in the past was horrible. I cost you everything, and my actions, or inaction in some cases, started you on a hard road. I am sincere with you every single time I say I want to have something with you. I’ve always wanted to have something with you.”

  Danny scoffed, but Nicole conceded maybe Christine had always wanted something with Danny. It was that desire that led her to do despicable things. Instead of trying to have something with Danny, she had taken away others’ chances to have something with Danny. It was psychotic. Who is this woman? How does she even exist? Nicole rubbed the bridge of her nose, trying to hold a headache off.

  “I want to change all of this between us. I know it’s not going to happen overnight. Well, I know that now, anyway.” There was yet another deep breath and more tears slipped from Christine’s eyes. She wiped her face with both hands, not even bothering to do it daintily, not caring that her makeup went from running to smeared. “I know I can’t make the past right, but I want to have some kind of future with you. I know you don’t need me. Hell, maybe you don’t even want me, especially with Lynn Briarmoor back in your life, but I can’t just give up. I’ve learned this since the day you were born. I can’t give up.” Those words should sound encouraging coming from a mother, but they had the aura of a plea from Christine. With her history, it could be seen as a threat.

  Danny swallowed and stared Christine down. “Maybe you need to. It might be the right thing to do.” She said that as if it was the final word. With that, she stormed out of the room as best she could.

  Christine watched her go, which was probably the best thing she had ever done for Danny. Nicole sighed and leaned back on the couch. Haydn poked his head out of the music room and rushed to Nicole, nuzzling her stomach. She scratched his ear and he whimpered. Was he comforting or looking for comfort? Maybe
both. Either way, Nicole was glad for it.

  “Do you think…do you think that was it?” Christine’s voice broke, and she sniffled. It did nothing to stop her tears.

  “With you two…” Nicole shrugged.

  If there ever was a deal-breaker, maybe this was it. Nicole wouldn’t blame Danny if it was the end. She couldn’t imagine any mother hurting a child like this. Christine was more than a piece of work. For a moment, Nicole stared at her, studied her, tried to see down to her bones, tried to figure out if she had a soul. She needed answers. What the hell made this woman this way?

  Christine’s behavior was beyond the fact she lost her parents at a young age, beyond the fact she’d been raised by hateful grandparents who kept her from her father’s side of the family, and well beyond the fact she loved a racist beast of a man. Of course, maybe Christine’s choice of spouse spoke louder about who she was than anything else. It couldn’t take much for one monster to love another.

  Eventually, Nicole had to ask. “Why? Why do this to her? You could’ve left her with them and let her have something. Why keep dangling it in front of her? Why take everything from her, all the time? Why stand by and watch her crumble? You must understand how poisonous this all is and, yet, you continue. Why?” She hugged Haydn to her, needing to cuddle someone.

  Christine shook her head, wiping her tears again. “I don’t know. I think I really wanted her. I mean, I love her. She’s my daughter. But…” She traced a circle on her forehead with her index finger. “Things got muddled in here with her. I allowed many things to twist my emotions for her. I’ve done horrible things to her.”

  “Horrible doesn’t even begin to cover it. Maybe you can do something to show her you understand that you’ve done horrible things and maybe you’d like to tell her about them, so she’s not blindsided by things like this.” Or maybe Christine really needed to step out of Danny’s life if there were more things like this around the corner. If there were, she’d only hurt Danny again.