Learning to Walk Again

by S. L. Kassidy

  Christine sighed. “It’s hard.”

  A frown cut its way onto Nicole’s face before she could stop it, and she glowered at Christine like an enemy on a battlefield. “Life is hard. Repairs are hard. If you fold when things get hard, leave Danny alone. She knows what hard is. She’s laughed in hard’s face when it knocked her down, and she’s picked herself back up. Don’t complain about things being hard to her or with her. You either knuckle up or leave her the hell alone.”

  The nerve of Christine, acting like she was the victim, or this was some great burden to her. How dare she want to be in Danny’s life, like she deserved someone like Danny! Nicole couldn’t bring herself to say anything else, resisting the urge to curse Christine out. Who was she to chase Christine away if Danny might still want her?

  “I should probably go.” Christine started for the door.

  Nicole didn’t try to stop her or even get the door for her. They didn’t exchange farewells and when the door closed, Nicole let loose a soothing breath, trying to cleanse her system of the poison she was exposed to in the form of Christine. She wished that was the last time they saw Christine. Toxic didn’t even begin to describe her or what she had done to Danny.

  Nicole scratched Haydn’s head. “I hope this isn’t a sign of how Christmas is going to be.” Haydn whined, and she scratched his muzzle. “Well, let’s find something to occupy our time for a little while and then go check on Danny. She probably needs a little space.”

  He whined again, and Nicole stayed on the couch, if only to collect her thoughts. She continued petting Haydn and then decided to get him a treat for making it through the tense ordeal. She also treated herself to some leftover party cookies. They didn’t help settle her, though.

  ***

  Dane paced the hallway upstairs, ignoring the jolts of pain from her knee. She needed to move, if only to escape from the desire to break something. She wasn’t sure why she was so pissed off. She should’ve expected such crap from Christine. It shouldn’t surprise her or upset her, but the thought of what could’ve been drove her insane. She thought about Allison and Ben, smart as hell, sports for Ben, writing workshops for Allison, and what did she get? To be alone on her birthday every freaking year of her life until she finally ditched the Hell she called home. She missed out on a loving family. She missed out on incredible parents. She missed out on a cute little sister and an awesome little brother! She missed out on everything.

  “It’s not fair,” she snarled like a wounded animal and almost punched the wall. She only stopped when she considered she couldn’t pay to have it repaired and she couldn’t repair it herself. “I’m fucking useless!”

  She pulled her hair, tugging hard, not caring how much of it she pulled out. How dare she ever think she could get better? Who could recover from so much damage? Who could ever rebuild when her own mother had actively set out to destroy her? She didn’t even realize she was punching herself in the head as she ripped at her hair until the pain finally registered.

  Taking a breath, she calmed enough to leave her hair alone, but her body shook. If not for her skin, every fiber of her being would fly off into every direction. Rushing back downstairs and ignoring the now searing agony in her knee, she grabbed the phone. Lynn picked up.

  “Hey, Danny,” Lynn greeted her.

  “Why haven’t you gotten Allison real piano lessons? Why the hell didn’t you get her lessons before?” Dane demanded. Was Lynn trying to keep Allison from her? No, that doesn’t make any sense. Lynn let her around Allison and Ben all the time. But, her mother let her around Lynn and Henry all the time and still didn’t want them around her. Still took them from her. What if Lynn and Henry took Allison and Ben from her? What if the whole family left her again?

  “Because she wasn’t interested until you came along,” Lynn answered.

  Dane blinked, and it felt like every swirling emotion in her came to an abrupt halt. “Huh?”

  “She never thought about it until you showed up and started talking about everything you play. Honestly, she’s always been into her writing and stuff online, but nothing beyond that. We’ve been happy she wanted to do something else, something that might help her be a little more social.”

  “Social? Playing the keyboard?” Dane’s music had always helped her be more alone. But, then again, it also helped attract a crowd to her.

  “Yes. Hasn’t she been social with you?”

  Dane stopped moving completely. Oh. Okay. Guess she told me. “And that’s why you let her take lessons with me?”

  “You’re the only one she wants to do it with.” Lynn paused for a moment. “You don’t like spending time with her?”

  Dane scratched her head. “No, I really like it. Love it, actually.” It was cute watching Allison try until she figured out. They got to bond, and her heart melted each time she watched Allison concentrate, work, and improve. Whenever Allison got things and looked at her with sparkling, hopeful eyes, Dane knew she’d love that kid forever and always.

  “Dane, are you all right?” Lynn asked, her voice so soft, gentle. It reminded Dane of when she was little, and Lynn would put her to sleep with wild, fantastic stories or lullabies.

  Taking a breath, Dane leaned against the wall and slid down to the floor. “No,” her voice cracked. She rubbed an eye with the heel of her hand. I’m way out of sorts. Her chest hurt, and she felt like she might throw up.

  “What’s wrong?” Lynn’s voice was practically a coo, and it wrapped around Dane like a warm embrace, but just made more agony ripple through her.

  “Christine.” Just saying the name made her stomach twist. It was like acid ate through her ribs, devoured her heart, and now wanted to take her soul. Why the hell did I talk to her? Why do I bother with her? “I talked to Christine.”

  “Oh, Dane.” There was a sigh so full of compassion and concern, it only made Dane’s stomach churn more. She wished Lynn was her true mother. Lynn never would’ve hurt her like this.

  Dane sniffled. “Asked her about the stuff she did, and it hurts so much. I feel like she’s been lying to me even now when she’s acting like she wants a relationship with me. At least Russell was always upfront about it. He hates me, so he beat the shit out of me, but this woman.” She took a deep, shaky breath, trying to hold herself together. This woman. God, I don’t even know. She hated that Lynn and Henry gave her back to Christine time and time again. “I wish you guys had kidnapped me.” Her voice was a whispered hiss through gritted teeth.

  “Dane, you know I don’t condone anything that woman did to you and I wish we’d been able to keep you, but I will always stand by the fact that as a child, you needed your parents to be parents.”

  To hell with that! “And?”

  “Well, I think if you ever want to heal the wounds they left behind, then you have to deal with them in the way you think is right. What do you think is right with Christine? Is getting to know her worth knowing about the pain she might’ve caused you as a child?”

  Dane took another deep breath. She wasn’t too sure. Maybe she needed to walk away from Christine like she walked away from Russell and her siblings. She didn’t need these things coming back on her while she was on the road to a better life. They were potholes, threatening to tear her from this new path. Can I really be better if I don’t confront these things with my past?

  “What do you think I should do?” Dane asked. She needed advice, real advice. This whole thing was such a mess, and her head felt like it might cave in.

  Lynn sighed. “That one you have to decide for yourself. Dane, you know I want the best for you. If Christine is giving you too much grief, don’t hold onto it or her. You have a good life, Dane. You have a loving partner, and good people around you. You’re happy and not on drugs anymore.”

  Dane winced. “Yeah, good thing I’m not doing that.”

  “I’m glad.” Lynn sighed, sounding like she put down a burden.

  Dane rubbed her head. “Guess you know how bad it got?”
/>   “No, we just know you almost died ten years ago. We were incredibly relieved when you pulled through.”

  “Yeah?” It was good to know someone was. The idea helped steady Dane. “For a long time, I wasn’t. I wasn’t relieved.” For a long time, underneath all the drug use and sex, she wished she died when she OD’ed, wished she froze to death when she was homeless. Hell, sometimes after she was attacked, she wondered why she survived, why she existed at all. What was the point of living if that was her life?

  “You were in a lot of pain for a long time, Dane. Are you relieved now?”

  Dane looked around the room, around the house she shared with the most wonderful woman she had ever met. She was about to celebrate Christmas with an outstanding family. Maybe they weren’t all hers, but they could be one day. Plus, there was a family that was hers. People cared about her. Loved her. It was time to look forward instead of back.

  “I am,” Dane replied. She was relieved to have made it this far, to have the things she had. She’d press on, as things might get even better. Even if they didn’t, if she could be with Nicole and continue as she was, then that was fine.

  “That’s good.” She could hear Lynn’s smile in her voice. “Be grateful for life, Dane. You don’t have to let someone else’s actions past or present ruin what you have now. Deal with Christine however you will, but don’t give her any more power in your life. Don’t give anyone power to ruin even your day. You’ve built a wonderful thing, and you should be proud of your life.”

  Dane’s heart fluttered. She’s proud of me. She felt giddy for a moment, like a little kid again, and that mixed weird with how upset she was. “Thank you.”

  “Anytime, Dane. I’m glad you called me.”

  “Me, too.” Dane smiled a little and then glanced toward the kitchen. “I need to go.”

  “Talk to you later.”

  “Yeah.”

  “We love you, Dane.”

  Dane’s heart thumped hard, and she couldn’t breathe for a second. “Love you, too.” She disconnected the call and picked herself up.

  It wasn’t surprising to find Nicole at the counter with a plate of cookies. The thing with Christine had been intense, and it tied her in knots. She had no idea how it might’ve affected Nicole. She wrapped her arms around Nicole’s waist and placed a gentle kiss to Nicole’s tempting neck as Nicole relaxed in her arms.

  “Sorry you had to see that,” Dane said.

  “I’m sorry you had to live that,” Nicole replied, reaching around to touch Dane’s cheek. Tiny crumbs from her fingers pressed into Dane’s flesh, but Dane didn’t care.

  Dane turned her head enough to place a soft kiss to Nicole’s hand. “I’m not going to let it get me down. It’s the past. I’m here with you, trying to be better.”

  “You’re good, Danny. You’re very good.”

  “Because of you. I think I’m seriously able to push through this crap. You’ve given me this good life.”

  Nicole shook her head and turned around, locking eyes with Dane. Dane could get lost in those emerald eyes and never care to find a way out. They were always full of love, but also full of pain. Nicole felt her pain, and Dane wanted to take it all away. Figuring out what to do with Christine would definitely help.

  “No, you gave yourself this good life. You were strong enough to turn your life into something you want, something worthwhile. You’re the one who did all of this.”

  Dane smiled and kissed Nicole, a lingering touch of their lips. “You’re my muse, angel. You’re the reason I want to turn everything around, why I want to do more. I’m not going to let this control me. We’re going to have a damn Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year, and then I’m going to treat you to an awesome birthday, okay?”

  Nicole moved her hands to Dane’s hips and gave Dane a little kiss. “Promises, promises.”

  Dane grinned now. “Hey, it’s not every year a girl turns thirty. You think I don’t have something special planned?” She had to do something special for the woman who gave her strength, gave her purpose, gave her love.

  Nicole wagged her finger in Dane’s face. “I think you should not mention that age again.”

  “Why? You’re still as sexy as the first day I saw you.”

  Nicole laughed. “Always the flatterer.” For a moment, she searched Dane’s eyes. “You sure you're okay?”

  “I am. Now, let’s not waste any more of this awesome Sunday.” Dane kissed Nicole again.

  Nicole smirked. “What did you have in mind?”

  Dane smirked right back, and she helped Nicole onto the kitchen counter. Nicole squealed and laughed as Dane settled in between Nicole’s open legs and kissed her neck. The laughter turned into panting as Nicole wrapped her arms and legs around Dane. There would be no more wasted time.

  ***

  It seemed odd to Dane that Christmas should be in the winter now that she understood what was meant by ‘Christmas spirit.’ Christmas was a festive explosion of molten light, pureness, and joy in the dark, bitter, biting cold. But, then again, the warm merriment of the spirit might not last long as she locked up her bike outside a small cafe in the classy part of the city. Glancing in through a slightly foggy window, she spotted Christine toward the back, tearing at a napkin.

  Stepping inside the cafe, warmth and that Christmas feel wafted over her. The scent of coffee hung in the air, but she caught cookies and pastries underneath it. Nicole taught her happiness smelled like fresh baked treats. From the look on people’s faces and friendly chatter, coffee and sandwiches were probably a part of the happiness equation. Will my talk with Christine sound friendly? It’s worth a shot. It’d probably be a better shot if she could have a shot before this conversation.

  “Hi,” Dane said as she eased into the seat across from Christine. She let loose a low sigh as the heat fought off the chill inside of her and her muscles relaxed. Her whole leg was delighted to not be pedaling, despite the fact she loved riding her bike. She took a moment to glance out of the window they sat near. People fluttered by in their heavy coats, probably trying to get some shopping done with the big day being less than a week away.

  I got everything out of the way. She almost smiled to herself, but then remembered Christine was across from her. She didn’t want Christine to think she was smiling at her.

  “Hi,” Christine sort of mumbled and then let out a nervous laugh.

  “Thanks for meeting with me.” Dane hadn’t been sure Christine would go through with it after their last encounter. A week had gone by, and Dane still hadn’t recovered. She wasn’t sure if Christine cared enough to need to recover.

  “At this point, it’s the least I can do. Besides, I was happy you called.” A hint of a smile worked its way to Christine’s face. The expression was wise not to stay.

  “Well, I’m trying to move forward, and you can’t do that living in the past,” Dane replied. I have to move on, keep getting better. There were so many good people in her life, and she wanted to be good for them, especially Nicole.

  Christine nodded and opened her mouth to say something, but a waiter came over. They quickly gave him orders, if only to get rid of him, and turned back to each other.

  “So, moving forward, huh?” Christine said, her voice low, unsure. Her eyes drifted for a moment, sliding over to the window, and then focused back on Dane.

  Dane rubbed her hands together. Her left hand ached and was stiff, which she came to expect in winter weather. “I think I’ve been trying to do that for a while, but now I have a real idea what it means. It’s not about ignoring or forgetting the past. It’s the past. I have to acknowledge and accept it happened. It made me this person, and I’ve grown to like this person.” She tapped herself on the chest.

  That was partially why Dane was happy now. She felt like she was a person, a real person. Throughout her life, she felt more like an entity maybe, or a phantom. She existed and experienced, but had no idea who she was, had no idea what to make of any of the information presented to
her. She never reflected or even stopped to consider things. She never felt, beyond basic things anyway. Is that what makes a person? Feeling? She had no idea.

  “An amazing person,” Christine said.

  Dane shook her head. “You don’t have to flatter me. I’m coming into my own, not for you or because of you or in spite of you. What I’m becoming has almost nothing to do with you.”

  “Because of Nicole?”

  Dane ran her hand through her hair. “Maybe, but I think I’ve got a better understanding of what she wants for me. I’m not supposed to be better for her or to deserve her. I should be better to be better. Being better helps me understand how I can be happy.”

  Nodding, Christine swallowed. “And are you?”

  “Happy?” Dane shrugged. “Yeah. I’m happy. I don’t think I’ve ever been happy, not like this anyway.” Beyond happy, she was content. She had never been this way before, settling into herself rather than a bubbling mass of confused, misdirected, and wandering energy.

  Christine gave her a sad look. “Not even with your music?”

  “Not sure if I can ever explain what music was and is to me.” Dane glanced down at her left hand. “Music connects me to everything.” Music had always been the one way to know she wasn’t dead and in Hell. Music had also been her way of expressing her personal Hell. Thinking back, all her music had been about despair in some form.

  “How has it been since your accident?” Christine asked.

  Dane sucked her teeth. “You do know it wasn’t an accident, right?” She imagined the Wolfe family went around calling it that, if it was ever brought up anyway. Her overdose at fourteen had been labeled “an accident” as well, like she’d been hit by a car rather than going into shock after too much coke.

  Christine shook her head. “I don’t know what else to call it, because you never explained what happened. I imagine what Bryan explained to us wasn’t true.”