Chaotic (Imperfect Perfection)

by Williams, C. A.

  “Yeah, sure,” he replied absentmindedly, staring at the dark sky for a second longer before he walked quickly towards the road where his car was parked.

  “Are we going back to your place?” I asked after getting into the car. The silence was uncomfortable as I tried to figure out what was going on with this strange mood he was in.

  “Um…” he chewed on his lip as he pulled the car out onto the road. “Let’s head somewhere for coffee. You look like you could use it.” He looked at me sideways, giving me a slight smirk as he turned out onto the main road.

  My head was starting to clear, and I didn’t feel as wobbly, but coffee sounded good so I didn’t question it. I had only been to Justin’s a few times. He lived by himself about fifteen minutes away from campus in a tiny house.

  “So what’s going on?” I asked after the waitress had brought over two cups of coffee and a piece of pie for me.

  He shrugged his shoulders at me, staring out the large front window of the diner he had chosen that was pretty much deserted.

  “All right,” I replied, gnawing at my bottom lip when Callie and Zoey’s words from earlier had popped into my head. We didn’t have a title, but I sure as hell wanted to know if he had been with another girl when I thought we had clearly talked about not seeing other people.

  “Well if you aren’t going to talk, I guess I will. I heard from a few people that you hooked up with some girl pretty recently. Is that true?” There I said it. I watched his face to see his reaction, and he finally turned to look at me, a scowl in place directed at me.

  “And you believed that shit? No, I wasn’t with anyone last week. Haven’t you learned by now that girls like to run their fucking mouths?”

  My head jerked back at his tone, and I saw his eyes soften slightly. “I’m sorry, Della,” he huffed out. “I just wanted to come out and have a fun night with you. But then I get there, looking for you, and you’re nowhere to be found. Then I see you coming out of a room with that douche bag.”

  My mouth formed into an O as I guessed at what his conclusion had been. So he was jealous? I didn’t think I would ever see this day from Justin Parker. I really thought he had too big of an ego to ever be jealous.

  “Nothing happened between us, I swear. Although I have no clue exactly what we’re doing here, I wouldn’t do that to you.” Something unreadable flashed through his eyes, and he rubbed at the scruff on his chin. “Nash agreed to being just friends again tonight. I know he’s said that before, but I think this time I believed him. I’d like to figure out what’s going on between us first,” I picked up his hand, swirling my finger around his wrist. “Because I really do like what we have going here, and I’d like to see where it’s going to go. Are we on the same page?”

  He blew out a breath, a relieved look on his face as he squeezed my hand back. “I’m sorry for being such an asshole, Della. I just saw you with that guy and figured something had happened. I don’t know why, you’ve never given me any reason not to trust you.”

  He slid next to me in the booth, tipping my chin up so our faces were just inches apart. “I know I’m never serious about things, but I’d like to be that way with you Della. Are you ready to stop all this teasing bullshit we have going on and really be with me? Because I want to be with you and only you.” He brushed my hair back, that I’m sure was a frizzy mess from all of my dancing. I couldn’t help but smile at his sweet words. They were so rare.

  “And I want to only be with you.”

  “Good, I think we can make this work then,” he said, giving me one of his wide smiles for the first time all night. “I’m glad we have that all cleared up.” I felt his hand underneath the table, creep under my dress and trace the outline of my underwear. “This is mine now.”

  “Oh, really? Your one of those guys, huh?” I moved my hand to the front of his jeans and squeezed. “Then this is mine.” He raised an eyebrow at me but didn’t say anything, just grabbed his wallet out, throwing more than enough money on the table for the bill and grabbed onto my hand. “Glad that’s all cleared up. Let’s go and introduce ourselves properly then.”

  Chapter 15

  I blew out a sigh of relief as I walked out of my last class of the semester right before winter break. It felt good knowing that I would be passing all of my classes, with high grades. All of my hard work had paid off, and I was proud of myself.

  My phone rang as I walked into my empty dorm, and I groaned when I saw it was my mother but figured I should get it over with. Her calls were rare and most of the time didn’t last very long, except for a few snooty comments.

  “Hello, mother,” I answered, kicking off my shoes to lie down on the couch.

  “Always so happy to hear from me as usual, dear.”

  “Well of course,” I replied. “And to what do I owe this phone call from you today?”

  “Oh, just the usual. I wanted to check in and make sure things were going all right. I know you said you’re grades we’re good, but truthfully I won’t believe it until I see it with my own two eyes.”

  “Well, I guess you’ll just have to wait a little longer. I had the last of my exams today, so I’ll be sure to update you when they’re official, but I passed everything with even if I bombed the exams.”

  “That’s wonderful, Adelaide.” I was surprised at her chipper tone, and I felt a little bit of my icy exterior chip away. “Well, I just wanted to let you know that Chris has been sniffing around lately. I was very vague when I told his mother where you left off too, but he’s been asking lots of questions lately. Seriously, Adelaide, I’m not sure what you did to that boy, but he is still very much in love with you. It’s kind of nauseating.” And there goes that ice, freezing right back into place.

  “I don’t know what to tell you, mother. I haven’t had any sort of contact with anyone back home since I left. Chris just needs to get over me, I guess.”

  “Hmm…we’ll see about that. He’s been threatening things lately if I don’t inform him of your whereabouts. He acts as if I kidnapped you and stashed you away somewhere.”

  “What kind of things is he threatening?” I asked, sitting up straight as the door opened and Callie and Zoey both walked in. They both waved to me before dumping their bags on the floor and heading into the kitchen.

  “You know exactly what things I’m talking about. I warned him just to keep his mouth shut, and if he really ever wants anything to do with you ever again it would be for the best. Does he really think blabbing things about you is the key to your heart?”

  “I don’t know,” I mumbled. “I just don’t understand why he would do that. What Chris and I had was juvenile. It probably wasn’t even love.” It was nothing like what I felt for Justin. I wasn’t sure if it was love yet, but it was definitely working in that direction.

  “Well, whatever it was doesn’t change anything. You know how something like that could ruin our reputation around here. This town is all about the gossip.”

  I bit my tongue, wanting to agree with her, actually she was the queen, but I just didn’t feel like getting into that right now. A girl’s night was planned for tonight, and I was going to have some fun with my roommates before we all headed off in different directions tomorrow.

  “Well, mother, I need to get going-”

  “Oh, I wasn’t finished yet, Adelaide,” she interrupted. “The main reason for my call was to inform you that Mia and I will be coming down to visit for the holidays. I all ready spoke to your grandmother to inform her of the details and everything is all set there. We’ll be down a couple of days before Christmas Eve. Mia and I are going to leave after Christmas Eve dinner to meet up with Gerald at the airport.”

  “Really?” was all I could muster as I sat there in shock. The first part of that had set in when she mentioned Mia’s name. Mia was Gerald’s daughter, and we had only ever seen each other a handful of times since our parents had been married.

  She lived with her mom in Michigan and was basically the complete opposite
of me. Mia was a year older than me and had always strived to impress everyone. Whenever I made some kind of mistake, I always had to hear Mia this and Mia that. I had come to really hate her over the years, even though we barely knew each other. She had gone off to college on a full-ride scholarship after graduating and that was the last I had heard from her. It was actually a little strange that my mother hadn’t thrown her in my face lately.

  But the fact that my mother was coming to visit me for a holiday, at my grandparent’s house, was pretty shocking too.

  “Are you staying there?”

  “Of course not, Della.” A loud laugh came through the phone. “As if I could stand your grandparents for that long. No, we found a hotel nearby that will do well enough. I’ll call you when we get to the airport, we’re getting a rental car, but maybe you could meet us somewhere for lunch.”

  “Sure, mom,” I replied simply, not knowing what else to say. We said our goodbyes, and I walked into the kitchen, sliding up onto the counter as Zoey and Callie sat at the small table we had jammed in there, eating leftover pizza from the night before. Their chatter stopped suddenly when I came in, and I looked at the two of them, neither one’s eyes meeting mine. I knew something was up right away. I had to ask Callie to shut up half the time and lately Zoey wasn’t much better.

  “What’s going on with you two?” I asked, swinging my legs back and forth, my eyes darting to theirs.

  “Nothing,” Zoey answered quickly, stuffing a piece of pizza in her mouth to point at how full it was.

  I turned to Callie who had opened her mouth to speak but then quickly shut it when Zoey had instead answered. They did some kind of communication with their eyes that I could normally read, but not this time.

  “Callie, spill it. I know you’re dying to, and you know I’ll eventually find out. So please, whatever you have to say, just say it.”

  “We-ll,” she dragged out. “We picked up the school newspaper on our way back home.” She looked at me as if I had done the same thing, but I just shook my head. “Okay, and…you know I don’t read that thing.” I think the schools newspaper department was trying to make it edgy or something by making it into more of a gossip rag more than anything.

  “And there was some information in there about you that was pretty surprising,” Zoey answered blandly, narrowing her eyes at me.

  “Surprising indeed,” Callie added.

  I sucked in a breath as they both looked at me accusingly. I knew my past would eventually catch up with me, but I certainly didn’t think it would like this. I don’t know why, but I just had a feeling that’s what the topic had been.

  I could only imagine what the article said and how exactly they got their information. The only person that had even hinted at knowing was Mariah, and I hadn’t seen her in awhile. I still hung out with Nash regularly, but only as friends, which I again made very clear once Justin and I labeled ourselves.

  I hopped off the counter, knowing I needed to explain myself. “Look, I planned on telling you guys sooner, but I’ve always had to keep it a secret, mainly because my mother didn’t want it to get out. It happened right after I turned seventeen. I’ve talked about my boyfriend at the time before, Chris?”

  They both nodded their heads in acknowledgement but remained silent.

  “Well, he was my first, and the one time with him was when it happened. I remember the morning I woke up and for some reason, thought about when my last period was. I drove to the closest pharmacy and bought about ten tests before hurrying back home to take every single one.” No matter how many I took all of the results still came out the same, a little positive sign or a smiley face, I threw every single one of them across my room as if they were mocking my mistake.

  “Didn’t you think to use protection, Della?”

  “Of course, but it happened at a party, and both of us were drunk. I told Chris to stop when I realized that he didn’t have one, but he promised he would pull out in time, and I was stupid enough to believe him.”

  “Oh, sweetie. You don’t need to tell us anymore,” Callie said, patting one of my hands that were shaking.

  “No, I need to.” I wiped a lone tear off my cheek. Really, my story was just getting started. “So when my mother found out, she went ballistic. The taping of the show was still going on at that time, so she did everything in her power so that no one would find out.

  No one except for Chris of course. I guess you could call it fatherly instinct or something, because he came over one afternoon while I was home “sick” from school. He actually acted happy about it, like we could be a family or something, not even graduated from high school. Sure, our parents had a lot of money, but we didn’t.

  I knew there was no way that they would stand by our decision if we decided to keep the baby. But my mind still wasn’t made up when my mother whisked me to some disclosed clinic that was very hush-hush.” I closed my eyes, picturing the white sterile walls that still haunted my dreams. Everything had been so clinical. No one had spoken to me, not one word.

  The doctor had actually mumbled something about the rich, stupid teenagers getting themselves knocked up now a days. Everyone had been cold and uncaring, not thinking for one second about my feelings. I had tried to stop them right at the last minute, but they had just ignored me, while my mother stood there the whole time glaring at me for what I had done.

  “Afterwards, I fell into a deep depression. In my mother’s eyes it was pure luck that it happened during the summer, so she covered my absence with my friends by saying that I was vacationing in Europe. No one was there for me, and I felt so alone. Chris hated me for awhile because of what my mother had forced me to do, and I think that ate away at me even more.” I paused to take in their reactions, but they were unreadable as they stared back at me. I had come this far, I might as well get it all out there.

  “I swallowed a handful of pills on the fourth of July. My mother and Gerald were gone as usual, leaving me alone, and I just couldn’t take the pain anymore. I really thought ending my life was the best thing to do. But before I could slip away, my mother came home and found me curled up in a ball on the floor. She actually saved me.” I didn’t add the fact that before she called for an ambulance, she called Gerald to see how she could handle it discreetly.

  I don’t know if she knew that I had actually been coherent enough to hear her, but she probably wouldn’t even care. I had laid there numb, unable to move any part of my body, wishing that I would just get to the hospital in time.

  I knew then that I didn’t want to die, even if my mother hadn’t been so worried about it. After my stomach had been pumped, and I had a mental evaluation, I was put into therapy. It had helped over the years to have someone to talk to that wasn’t involved in the whole situation and had gotten me through one of the worst times of my life.

  I had still felt an emptiness in my chest for a while afterwards that I filled with partying and sometimes sex, but that had changed once I came here. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I was in a new setting where no one knew my past, and I could start a new life. So much for that.

  “I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that,” Callie said in a quiet tone. “I can’t even imagine. And to not have your mom there for you; she’s supposed to be the biggest support in your life.”

  “Yeah, Della, I can’t imagine.”

  “So you guys don’t hate me now?”

  “Of course we don’t hate you!” Callie sputtered out. “Why would you ever think that?”

  “Well, you guys seemed a little distant when you came home, I just thought-”

  “You thought wrong,” Zoey interrupted. “We were just a little hurt that we had to read something like that in that scummy newspaper. I’m never reading that thing again.”

  “For sure, I’m definitely boycotting that trash. So you’re doing all right now?” Callie asked.

  “Yeah, I really am. And you guys have helped with that a lot. I never felt like I had any true fri
ends before, besides Nash, before the two of you. Surprisingly, Justin has helped out a lot too. I think the way we started off a relationship was exactly what I needed. I didn’t want to rush into anything too seriously, and he was the perfect guy for that. And now, well now things are different between us, but a good different.”

  Callie and Zoey both nodded their heads at me, smiling at the same time. “We know. I wouldn’t believe that he had changed so much if I hadn’t seen it with my own two eyes, but you guys are great together. I’m glad you decided to try things out with him instead of going for Nash.”

  “I totally agree,” Zoey chimed in. “I think Nash was just too comforting for you. If you started up a relationship with him, I don’t think it would have lasted very long. He’s a nice guy and all, but I think Justin is really the guy for you.”

  I was surprised that they both seemed to feel that way. They had always skirted around Justin and I dating and had never really giving me any kind of opinion on what they thought of us together.

  “Well, enough with the serious talk, I think we need a major group hug.” Zoey and I rolled our eyes at Callie, but let her sandwich us together into a hug.

  “Thanks guys, it means a lot that I could finally get this off of my chest. I wanted to tell you for so long and now it feels like I can completely breathe.”

  “Okay,” I clapped my hands together. “I think girl’s night needs to start very quickly. I’m going to run over to Shorty’s, get my paycheck, and pick up the food Justin is supposed to have ready for us.”

  “Sounds like a plan. Zoey and I are heading over to the movie store to pick out every rom-com there is, and then we’ll stop to get the makings for margaritas. I think those are in some definite need tonight.”

  I slipped my shoes back on and waved at them before shutting the door behind me. I smiled as I walked down the hallway, glad that I had gotten that off my chest, even though I wasn’t able to do it my way. What college newspaper really dished dirt on their students? I think I was going to have to make some kind of complaint with the school or something for delving into a student’s personal life.