The Cost Of Love And Sanity

by Jaye Cheríc

  She pulled into the gas station three blocks away. Geesh, could they have made this parking lot any smaller? The station had always been small but it seemed smaller now that the cramped space crawled with cars. Alex eased into the station, hunting for an open pump. To her surprise, she didn’t have to search far; the second one stood vacant. She backed into the pump and hopped out of the car to slide her debit card in the machine. As she pumped her gas and music played in the background, her mind drifted to her prayer and her plans for the new year.

  She didn’t know if she would ever get an answer to her prayer but she had come to one important conclusion: a new year required a new direction. Her life needed change. She had to go after what she really wanted, instead of settling for the readily available. From now on, she would concentrate on moving her life forward. No looking back.

  The gas pump clicked. Startled from the noise, Alex pulled the tube from her car and placed it back in the hook. She screwed the cap back into her gas gauge, yawning. She shook the sleep away and jumped back into her car. While she vigorously rubbed her hands together with hand sanitizer, she could see someone in her rearview mirror tapping their fingers on the steering wheel, waiting for her to pull away from the pump. She hurriedly cranked up the car.

  Alex crept out of her spot and soon regretted it. A diesel truck had blocked the entrance of the station. Cars had piled into the pumps. She strained her neck to see the far end and noticed one lone pump vacant, providing barely enough space for her to exit. Alex pushed her foot on the gas pedal and wormed her way toward the carless space between pumps. But after she drove a mere few feet, a gray Acura pulled through her only escape route.

  “Argh! I can’t believe this,” Alex screamed.

  She scanned the other pumps and saw that cars were still beside each one. She turned behind her and saw that the truck blocking the entrance seemed to have no plans of moving.

  Alex faced forward again and sighed. Her eyes wandered over to the Acura and, for the first time, she saw the driver blocking her exit. It was Nathan Chestnut, the man she had dated ten years ago. She winced and ducked her head down. Aww, man. Not today. She anticipated awkwardness between them. A lot of time had passed since she had last seen him and their breakup had left some issues unresolved. How would they treat each other now? She didn’t know and she feared finding out. Yet, part of her wanted another glimpse of him. She peeked over the edge of the window and focused on his neat appearance. He hadn’t changed much. He still possessed the same slender frame she remembered—almost like time had stood still for him. Not wanting to stare too long, she quickly darted her eyes downward, hoping he hadn’t spotted her.

  She had to do something; Alex couldn’t keep her head down forever. Maybe she could find a way to get out of the station parking lot before he noticed. She turned to her right to check the entrance. The diesel truck still showed no signs of moving and the driver that had taken her spot had walked toward the store.

  She decided to back up a little and try to wait for the driver to return to his car or for someone else to move. Alex turned to the left to see how much space she had. In that moment, she wished she’d kept her head down.

  “Alex! Alex!”

  Hearing Nathan call her from across the parking lot, she cringed. Okay. I’m going to count to three and slowly face him. One…Two…Three. When Alex did face him, Nathan closed his car door and took long strides around his hood. She watched his lengthy arms swing back and forward, while he glided in her direction. He had the same springy step. I wonder if everything else is the way I remembered. The good and the bad. Watching him walk toward her filled her with anxiety and want. Suddenly, Alex wanted to hear what Nathan had to say, even though her nerves were about to jump out of her skin. A part of her felt vindicated that he saw her and chose to greet her with such kindness. The other part of her still didn’t know how to handle their interaction. She took in a large gulp of air and prepared for the inevitable.

  “Hello, Nathan.” Alex straightened her posture and replaced her worried frown with a fixed smile.

  “Hey. I haven’t seen you in a while. How’s it going?” Smiling, Nathan reached for her and ran his hand over her upper arm.

  Her arm numbed at his touch. The sensation almost sidelined her response. “It’s going. How’s everything with you?”

  “Oh, it’s…well, going.” Nathan laughed. “So, what have you been up to?”

  Flashes of the last few days hit her like a frying pan over her head but she kept her composure. “You know. Life.”

  He nodded, with his eyes piercing into hers. If she didn’t know any better, she’d think his eyes were searching for a more detailed answer. “I hear ya. What do you do now?” Nathan asked.

  She looked away briefly. “I’m a recruitment manager at Priority One Recruitment Agency.”

  His eyebrows shot up to his hairline. “Wow. That sounds major.”

  Alex wanted him to think so but felt the need to play it down, for modesty sake. “I guess.”

  “Yeah, it sounds cool to me.”

  “I like it. What do you do?”

  “I’m a customer relations coordinator for a dealership.”

  “Okay. Do you like it?”

  He shrugged. “It’s all right. I’m pretty good at it.”

  Alex waved her hand and rolled her eyes. “I’m not surprised.”

  He cocked his head to the side. “Why?”

  “Because you always had a way with people, especially women.” Heat rushed to her face. She wished she hadn’t thrown in that last jab. She didn’t want him to think she was still bitter toward him. Well, what could she say? Old habits die hard.

  Although Alex’s comment obviously referenced their breakup, Nathan maintained his relaxed, friendly demeanor, seeming not to notice. “I try to treat people how I want to be treated.” He smiled.

  “That’s a good rule of thumb,” Alex said, crossing her arms.

  They lapsed into a brief, uncomfortable silence. Nathan looked down at his shoes. “So, um, are you married?”

  Alex hesitated. When most people asked her this question, she avoided answering because she hated the questions that followed. She also hated the funny looks she received when she stated her single status. But nothing compared to the clever advice others had for her on snagging a man.

  With Nathan, however, the question took on a whole other meaning. Anytime a man asked a woman if she was married, that usually meant he wanted to measure his chances. Is that the case with Nathan? Her heartbeat quickened to the rhythm of her nervous energy. “No,” she said.

  After hearing her answer, he looked back up at her. “Neither am I. Do you have any kids?”

  Another sore question. “No. What about you?”

  “I have a son. He’s eight years old,” Nathan said.

  She nodded. “Good for you.” She took her turn looking at the ground.

  The truck blocking her way a few minutes earlier cranked up and pulled out of the parking lot. Alex’s eyes shot over in unmistakable relief. Nathan’s eyes followed hers. When Alex turned back to Nathan, she saw the unspoken question on his face and felt the need to explain out of politeness.

  “I’d been trying to get out of this parking lot for the past five minutes,” Alex said, with an apologetic expression.

  “Oh. I don’t want to keep you, if you have to go.”

  The fear she’d faced in talking to him had given way to calm and, surprisingly, she didn’t want their exchange to end. Feelings of panic and disappointment threatened to escape her voice. She cleared her throat to cover them up. “It’s fine,” Alex said.

  “Well, then can I have your number so I can call you sometime?” Nathan asked.

  Alex’s brain slammed on the brakes. She scanned Nathan’s neatly pressed black slacks, Clorox white shirt and dark green tie and she thought about the man she had known ten years ago. Kind, sensitive and lighthearted. Yet, she had a hard time reading him back then. He had some enigmatic qualit
ies and, in her twenties, she still didn’t understand men all that well. Because she couldn’t read him, Alex didn’t always take him seriously. But now his appearance and his energy contradicted the unpredictable Nathan she’d grown to expect. A slight air of maturity and sincerity in his words set her at ease about talking to him again. After briefly closing her eyes, she stifled the voice in her head that tried to get her to run for the station’s exit. Instead, she chose to make herself cooperate.

  “Sure,” Alex said softly.

  Nathan pulled out his phone and punched in the number she gave him. He looked back at her and smiled. “I’ll call you.”

  She nodded.

  He turned to leave and after a few steps toward his car, he turned back around. “Don’t be pretending like you don’t know me when I call either,” he said, winking at her.

  Alex laughed in spite of herself. She shook her head, shifted her gear into drive and rolled out of the parking lot the same way she came.

  CHAPTER 6

  Alex sprung up in her queen-sized bed and looked at her alarm clock. When she realized she hadn’t ironed any clothes for work, she hopped out of bed. The edge of her gold, embroidered comforter dragged on the floor behind her.

  After setting up the iron and board, she reached for her remote and flicked on the TV. A perky news anchor appeared on the screen. Alex half-listened as she picked up her clothes and started to iron.

  “And in Hollywood, actress Roxie Miller is going public with her new baby. The Days of Forever star will talk to Quincy Marx about her controversial decision to have a child via artificial insemination.”

  Pictures of the actress flashed across the screen. Roxie paraded down the red carpet with long, flowing hair, flawless skin and impeccable makeup. How could a woman like her need to pay a man to impregnate her? Men fall all over her. Conscious of the time, Alex hurried her ironing.

  She trotted downstairs forty-five minutes later in her black and gold pencil skirt, matching jacket and high heel black boots. Alex reached into the kitchen cabinet and pulled out her favorite mug—a tall, green cup with a turning lid. Popping off the lid, she ran water into the mug and slid it into the microwave. She grabbed a cereal bar nearby and took a couple of bites, before picking up her iPhone. There were no urgent emails, only spam. And most importantly, there were no missed calls or voicemails. Alex closed her eyes and steeled herself to put the phone back into her holster. She refused to focus on Nathan’s impending call. If he called, great. If he didn’t, fine. Either way, she shouldn’t be worried about it. She finished making her tea and headed to work.

  Walking through the corporate halls, Alex had replaced thoughts of Nathan with radio morning show jokes. She even caught herself smiling, as she stopped in front of the elevator. Courtney walked up beside her.

  “Hi, Alex.”

  Her smile slightly faded. “Good morning, Courtney.”

  Alex stood silently praying that she could reach her floor before Courtney honed in on her with questions or requests for advice. She had no patience for either.

  “Yes, it is a great morning, after such a superb weekend.” Courtney giggled.

  Here we go. Alex nodded. The elevator opened and she stepped on, pressing floor number five. She knew better than to expect Courtney to stay behind and Courtney did not let her down. The chatty woman fell right behind Alex, foot-to-foot, onto the elevator.

  “Chris and I spent the whole weekend together.” Courtney pushed a button and continued without missing a beat. She looked up at the elevator ceiling, dreamy eyed. “We drank champagne, talked and watched the sun set together. Then, we went out for a night on the town for New Year’s Eve.”

  Alex couldn’t help rolling her eyes. “Good for you.”

  “I mean, it’s amazing how perfect we are for each other. You know what I mean?” Courtney asked, leaning toward Alex.

  “Um hmm.” Alex eyed the numbers. Unfortunately, the elevator had only moved to the second floor, where it opened. No one stepped on. Great. No relief.

  Courtney turned to Alex and smiled. “How was your weekend? How did you spend New Year’s?”

  Her brain instantly summoned memories of her breakup with Phillip and running into Nathan. Her chest tightened. Unattached again, she still didn’t know when she’d find someone else. She didn’t want to explore these issues at work, especially with Courtney. Alex blinked and shifted her purse on her shoulder.

  “Mostly with my friend. We saw the fireworks and headed home.” That’s right, Alex. Keep it simple.

  She was proud of herself. Maybe if she held off on giving too many specific details Courtney would get the hint that Alex didn’t want to talk.

  “Really? You didn’t do anything else?”

  “Um. No, not really.” Alex pushed down the frustration on the verge of surfacing.

  Courtney shook her head. “That’s sad. It was the New Year. You were supposed to bring it in doing something extra fun. Like hanging out with your boyfriend. You could hang out with a friend anytime.” She nudged Alex in the side.

  Alex bit her lip. Moments like these, she really had to resist the urge to tell Courtney off. She didn’t know anything about Alex’s life. Yet, Courtney assumed she knew the best thing for her because of their imaginary “friendship.” It was irritating.

  “You have to spend more time with your man. How else are you gonna get him to marry you?” On that note, the elevator opened on the fourth floor and Courtney stepped off, completely oblivious to Alex’s eyeballs burning fire into the back of her head.

  How dare she tell me what I need to do? She needs to mind her business. A glare had replaced Alex’s jovial expression. When she finally reached the fifth floor, she barged out of the elevator and stomped down the hall to her office, passing all familiar faces in her wake. She opened her office door and shut it behind her before anyone could come in and ask questions—professional or otherwise.

  Alex dropped her briefcase on the chair in front of her cherry wooden desk. After placing her mug on the desk, she flopped down in her black, leather executive chair. She rubbed her temples as her head throbbed. Ugh. I hope these aren’t coming back. Alex reached into her drawer and pulled out her prescription pills for headaches. She hadn’t needed them in about a week. As she popped a pill and washed it down with her tea, she hoped this wouldn’t become a habit. While the liquid ran down her throat, Courtney’s words bounced around the walls of her brain. The more she tried not to think about them, the more she did.

  She spun around in her chair. The morning sunlight and clear sky outside her window calmed her a little. She tried to remind herself that she didn’t want to find just anyone. She wanted the real deal. Someone she could build a life with. But if this didn’t happen for her soon, she would have to take matters into her own hands, like the actress, Roxie. Could I do that? In the midst of her brief minute of relief, someone knocked.

  Alex swiveled around to face her office door. “Come in!”

  The door opened and Mr. Sims walked in. “Morning, Alex.”

  She sat up straight. “Good morning, Mr. Sims.”

  He stood in front of her desk. “Did you ever receive our report?”

  “Yes, I did.”

  “Good. What do you think of the numbers?” he said, moving her briefcase and sitting in the chair on the opposite side of her desk.

  She sighed. “It could be better.”

  He nodded. “How do you propose we make it better?”

  She thought fast. Amidst her relationship woes, she had forgotten that upper management expected feedback and ideas on improving their numbers—a rarity for her since she always remained on task. “Well, we could post ads on job search websites.”

  Mr. Sims shook his head.

  “I was also thinking we could host a job fair with employers and potential candidates.”

  He frowned. “I don’t know about that. We can’t afford to waste our clients’ time.”

  “It won’t be a waste of time if we c
onduct the proper screening beforehand. The event would be invite only and the only candidates invited will be the ones that have required qualifications. We may even be able to get sponsors for the event, which will bring in money and—”

  “—give us more clients,” Mr. Sims finished her sentence.

  Alex nodded with a satisfied smile.

  “That might be worth considering. Prepare a proposal about the job fair and present it at our next meeting.” He stood.

  “Sure thing. I’d be glad to.”

  “Good. I hope this works out for you.”

  “I’m always happy to do whatever I can to help the company maintain its vision, Mr. Sims.”

  “That’s what we’re counting on, Alex. The numbers have been down for far too long. It’s about time to trim the fat and more than likely, it will be a manager that gets the axe. If your idea doesn’t come through for us…” He shrugged. “I don’t know. It could be you.”

  He turned to leave. “See you at the meeting.”

  As her door closed, Alex sat with her mouth open. Suddenly, the little idea she had come up with carried a lot more weight than she’d expected. She reached for her mug and took a swig of the tea. She frowned. The tea had turned lukewarm between her elevator ride with Courtney and Mr. Sims’ stark warning. She had to pull herself together and create a proposal. Alex stood up and grabbed her mug. After counting to ten, she took a deep breath and opened her door.

  CHAPTER 7

  The computer clock read 5:08 p.m. Alex blew out a mouthful of air. She’d barely finished half of the proposal for Mr. Sims. Tired and angry with herself, she began to shut off her computer. It shouldn’t be so hard to finish a proposal for an idea she created. She had no excuse but she did have a reason.

  Alex spent half the time pushing the events of the past weekend out of her mind. If she wasn’t lamenting on her romantic future, she was scrutinizing her cell phone to see rather it worked or not. She wondered if Nathan had forgotten to call her but reasoned he wouldn’t forget if he really wanted to talk to her. The back and forth had put her a little on edge. If she were a smoker, she would have run through a pack that day.