The Cost Of Love And Sanity

by Jaye Cheríc

  Before she could check her thinly applied makeup, her doorbell rang. She raised her eyebrows. Is he really early this time? When she walked downstairs and peeped through her door hole, she saw that he had arrived early. Refusing to get too excited about this one instance of good behavior, Alex unlocked the door and opened it for him.

  “Hey, Alex!” Nathan wore a lavender sweater with gray slacks. He stepped past the threshold and hugged Alex—firmly but gently. “Um. You look great. I’m so happy to see you again.”

  The smile on his face matched the look in his eyes. Warm and sincere. She wanted to fall into the soft place that his expression promised to her but Alex preferred to keep her guard up. She reached for her leather jacket. “Thanks. Are you ready to go?”

  “Sure.”

  When they pulled out of her driveway, anxiety hit Alex like a Mack truck. She suddenly realized that she didn’t know his plans for their “date.” She turned to Nathan.

  “So, where are we going?” Alex asked.

  “To the Landing. I thought we might have dinner down there and go for a walk.”

  “Do you have reservations or something?”

  Nathan turned to her and smiled wide. “Yes.”

  Alex frowned. “What are you smiling about?”

  “I see you haven’t changed much.”

  “I hope you have.” The comment slid out before Alex had a chance to wheel it back in. The moment she said it, she wished she hadn’t. Sure, she might be a little ticked that he’d stood her up a week ago. Even more bothered about him standing her up ten years ago, but if they had any hope of enjoying the evening, she would have to remain cordial.

  Alex rushed in to fix her comment. “I mean, I’m sure you’ve changed a lot.”

  Nathan brushed off her comment, as if he hadn’t thought twice about it. “How was work today?”

  “Fine.” Alex looked outside the window.

  “How has the year been treating you so far?”

  “Good.”

  Nathan nodded. “Is it better than last year?”

  She sighed. “I don’t know. It has its hiccups.”

  “Really? Like what?”

  “My company is going through some changes. They want us to come up with ways to increase recruitment numbers. We have to make our own effort. Whoever they are not satisfied with, that person will be let go.”

  “What?! Whoa!” Nathan turned right at the green light. “Have you already started?”

  “Yes.”

  “And?”

  “It’s coming along. I have to work with Dan.” She rolled her eyes.

  “Who is he?” Nathan asked.

  “Let’s just say he’s not the sharpest pair of shears.”

  “Aww. Well, just because he’s not the sharpest guy doesn’t mean that the job fair won’t be a success. Maybe you can offer to help him on areas you think might be difficult for him.”

  “If he listens,” Alex said.

  “He will. Anybody can see that you know what you’re doing, even a dim shear.”

  She chuckled.

  “Is there anything I can do to help?” he asked.

  She shook her head. “Nope.”

  “Well, let me know if that changes.”

  After a couple more blocks, Nathan pulled into Rucker’s Italian Cuisine and Grille. Nathan opened the door for Alex and they walked inside. The host led them to the back where they sat at a button, leather sofa that surrounded a half-circle table.

  “What would you like for a beverage? We have an excellent red wine selection.” The host motioned toward the bottles of wines to the table beside their couch.

  “I’ll have water for now,” Alex said.

  The host nodded and placed the menus in front of them. “And you, sir?”

  “I’ll try the red wine.”

  While the host poured the drinks, Alex found herself staring at the country-style paintings and brick décor.

  “Do you like it?” Nathan asked, following her gaze.

  “Yes. It’s nice.”

  “Good.” He leaned forward and placed his hands on the table. “So, tell me what else has been going on in your life, besides fighting for your job?”

  Alex glanced down at Nathan’s large hands. His hands always fascinated her. They looked like they could toss a boat across the ocean. Yet, it amazed her how hands so big could handle her so gently. Afraid that he would notice her staring at them, she turned her attention to the menu and answered his question.

  “Oh, you know. Work,” Alex said.

  “There’s got to be more to your life than that.”

  She looked up at him. “What’s going on in your life?”

  “I asked you first.” Nathan smiled.

  She rolled her eyes and turned the page on the menu.

  He chuckled. “I’m not trying to give you a hard time. I’m only trying to figure out why no one has snatched you up yet. I’m lucky but I’m not that lucky.”

  Why does he have to do this? Alex smirked. “Why hasn’t anybody snatched you up?”

  “You first,” he insisted.

  She didn’t know what to say. She’d told herself that marriage had taken a backseat to her career. While her job did sometimes require longer hours, she didn’t know if that was the full truth. Alex thought that if she’d met the right man she’d be married already. However, believing that her career caused her singlehood made her feel like she had some control over the situation as opposed to the powerlessness she’d felt lately. If I really had control, would I have ended up with a jerk like Phillip? Her chest tightened as she fought back feelings of self-pity. She couldn’t allow Nathan to think her life had fallen apart since they had broken up years ago.

  “Maybe I haven’t been ready to be snatched up,” she said.

  Nathan nodded. “Are you ready now?”

  Yes! Alex practically screamed in her head but knew better than to say that out loud. She nodded slightly. “Maybe. Your turn!”

  He laughed.

  “I wasn’t gonna let you forget,” Alex said.

  He licked his lips. “I know you weren’t.” He leaned back in his chair. “I guess I haven’t had the right person in my life.”

  “Are you sure it’s not because you were playing all this time?”

  The easy smile that had danced on Nathan’s lips a few minutes ago faded from view. His eyes narrowed and the corners of his mouth pulled his face downward. “No, it’s not that.”

  Alex sipped on her water, aware of the change in his mood. “Do you want to be snatched up?”

  “Doesn’t everybody?” he asked, taking a sip of his wine.

  Alex and Nathan retained eye contact for a few seconds before the waiter returned to take their orders. Nathan’s eyes were like transparent pools of water. They seemed to relay a sincere desire for love and happiness but Alex issued herself a warning. She’d been here before and had it all blow up in her face.

  By the time their food arrived, they had lapsed into lighter conversation. They even managed to share a laugh or two. For a while, she forgot about her anger toward him, their missed date and the awful ending to their relationship from years ago. She focused on enjoying the evening.

  When they finished their meals, they strolled through the center of the complex, passing a mime juggling, a group of people with matching family reunion shirts and a local band playing on a stage. By the time they reached more store fronts, the loudest noises had dissipated. The clocking sound of their shoes hitting the brick pathway became more prominent and isolated.

  “Did you like dinner?” Nathan asked, breaking the sound of their footsteps.

  “Yes, it was good. I should go there more often. How did you hear about them?”

  “I have a friend who used to be a sous chef there. I used to go by and he would hook my ex and me up.”

  For some reason, the mention of his romantic past rattled her nerves but she pretended to not care. Instead, she nodded.

  “What about you? When wa
s your last relationship? For real,” Nathan said, leaning her way.

  Alex’s discomfort started from the pit of her stomach and spread across her face, to which Nathan immediately noticed.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry. If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine.”

  “No, it’s okay.” It really wasn’t. She preferred to put it behind her but, since he felt like sharing, she feared appearing standoffish, if she didn’t do the same. Besides, the evening had been going so well. Shutting down now would ruin the positive vibe.

  “My last relationship ended a few weeks ago,” Alex said.

  “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it had been so soon. What went wrong?”

  Alex shrugged. She really wanted to forget about Phillip. He reminded her that she had a long way to go before she could reach her dream of a husband and kids. A stable homelife. She never felt more like a loser than she did right then. Still, Alex came up with the most general answer she could. “We wanted different things.”

  “Like what?”

  “I wanted to succeed in life. He wanted me to be Mary Poppins,” Alex said, looking up at him.

  Nathan’s eyebrows nearly reached his hairline. “Was it that you didn’t want a family or…” he looked down at the sidewalk, “was he the wrong guy?”

  “He was the wrong guy,” Alex whispered.

  Nathan nodded in apparent approval of her answer. “I know what you mean. When I was with Clarissa, I felt like she wasn’t the right person for me but I hung in there and tried to make it work. Looking back, I probably should have let it go long before I did but then, I wouldn’t have my little man.” He smiled. “I love him, even if his mother is nutty.”

  “Yeah,” Alex said. They stopped in front of a railing and faced the water. Red, white and blue lit up the Hudson Bridge and the water below it. As Alex gazed out at the scenery, Nathan turned to face her, as he took a deep breath and let his words rip.

  “Alex, I’m sorry for the way things ended with us,” he blurted out.

  She hoped she appeared calm on the outside because she shook on the inside with the sound of each word. She didn’t know what to say or if she should say anything. When she opened her mouth, her throat threatened to close on her. Unaware of her internal struggle, Nathan kept talking.

  “I…I know what I did was wrong but I was young and still out there, you know?” He looked at Alex only partially waiting for an answer. “I knew that, um, you were special and that I really cared about you but I didn’t know how to love you. I was still going through things.”

  Alex continued to stare off into the water, motionless. Nathan moved closer to her. “I always wished I could have another chance. When I saw you at the gas station, it was like God was whispering to me or something.” He laughed softly. “You’re still one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met. If I had another chance, I would treat you better.”

  Alex shut her eyes and covered her ears.

  Nathan frowned. “What?”

  Alex took a deep breath. “I’m confused.”

  “Why?”

  Her chest heaved up and down, struggling to contain her volcanic emotions. “Where is this coming from all of a sudden?”

  “It’s not all of a sudden. I’ve always felt this way. I want you to forgive me for what I did. I need you to forgive me, Alex.”

  Alex rolled her eyes before she had a chance to stop herself.

  “What’s that about?” Nathan asked.

  “That’s about you, waiting ten years, until you happened to run into me at a gas station to let me know how you feel. You couldn’t have told me this when you called me that night?”

  “What night?”

  “The night that you were supposed to come by and talk to me.” Alex raised her voice.

  Nathan’s eyes scanned the ground, searching for the answer. He turned back to her. “You were angry with me. You told me it was over.”

  “Right. And then I allowed you to talk me into meeting with you to discuss our relationship. But you never came. You never called. You never came. You disappeared.”

  Nathan’s mouth dropped. He closed it and opened it a couple of times before uttering anything. His words were soft. “I… I thought you didn’t want to have anything to do with me. I thought that if I showed up, you would only tell me to leave. I figured ‘what’s the point?’”

  Alex trembled, inside and out. She had hoped their conversation would go a lot smoother. Then again, she’d never really imagined this conversation all the way through. She took in a chest full of air. Then, she released it in jagged breaths. She could feel herself losing the little control she had left.

  “The point is you left me hanging.” She closed her eyes. “Even though I’d called it off, I felt…unwanted when you didn’t even call me to tell me that you weren’t coming.” Her voice broke. “And I haven’t been able to understand how you could be so upbeat, like nothing ever happened.”

  With her last words, a hot tear slid down her face.

  “Aww.” Nathan sighed. “Alex, I didn’t know.”

  He reached over, gave her a hug and led her to a bench nearby. Nathan wiped her tears and pushed a strand of hair away from her face. “I never meant to make you feel that way. I kinda went on with life, thinking that you’d never get over what I did. I should have come by. It was selfish to leave you hanging that way.”

  Alex covered her face in disbelief and embarrassment. She felt as naked as a jay bird. Since so much time had passed, she’d thought she had gotten over this—at least to the point where she could talk about it without getting emotional—but obviously she hadn’t.

  A sob escaped her throat. Nathan wrapped his right arm around her and squeezed her. After he held her for a few more minutes, Alex finally lifted her head and sniffed. Nathan stared into her eyes.

  “Are you okay?” he asked.

  She nodded. “Yes, I’m fine.”

  “I’d like you to accept my apology. I’d like for us to try to work through this. Can we do that?”

  Alex looked up at Nathan’s clear and kind eyes. She saw patience and compassion. For the first time in several years, she felt free. Not because Nathan said the right things. The toxic emotions that were rumbling beneath the surface for so long had spilled over and left her body. She could now see the opportunity to change and it was time to take it.

  “Yes.” Alex nodded.

  Nathan smiled and held onto her, as they sat in silence.

  CHAPTER 17

  Even though Alex didn’t feel like it, she made herself go to the office an hour earlier than usual. While it required extra effort to wake up earlier to get there, she appreciated being one of the few people in the office and she reveled in the quiet. It gave her time to think. Today was the day of the big meeting. Mr. Sims expected her and Dan to report their progress to him and they had to be on point. Luckily for Alex, she’d been keeping pretty steady notes on her progress with the employers and the call center but there was one problem lingering: confirmed employers for the job fair. She’d made contact with at least a dozen companies but, so far, no one had signed on the dotted line. If she could get one of them to participate, it would be much easier to get the other companies on board.

  As she sat at her desk occasionally sipping her hot tea, she tried to focus on her outline for the meeting but that proved difficult as she went in and out of her notes. Her date with Nathan began to occupy her thoughts. Since their cathartic conversation, she’d been floating. They finally got to say things that needed to be said and they were going to try and rebuild their relationship—something she never thought would happen.

  Thinking about their renewed relationship gave her a warm feeling inside. I guess Izzy was right. I did need to follow my heart. She only hoped that things turned out better this time. Alex closed her eyes and willed her mind to stay in the moment instead of trying to figure out the future. When her cell phone rang, it startled her. She grabbed the phone and answered. />
  “Hey, Alex,” Nathan said.

  She smiled. “Hi. I was just thinking about you.”

  “Oh. That must be why my ears were burning.” He chuckled.

  “I think that’s supposed to happen when I’m talking about you.” She laughed.

  He sucked his teeth. “Same thing.”

  She laughed again. “No, it’s not.”

  “All right, all right. I didn’t want to hold you up. I wanted to catch you before you got to work and wish you a good work day. Try not to stress out.”

  “That’s really sweet. Although I will be stressing, I appreciate it.”

  “You shouldn’t. Everything’s gonna work out.”

  “Yeah, we’ll see after this staff meeting today. I don’t know what Dan is doing. I hope he has it together because, depending on how we present, my boss is either going to praise us or give us the boot,” Alex said, browsing through her meeting outline.

  “I’m sure it’s not going to come down to that. You’ll be fine.”

  Before Alex could respond her office phone rang. “Oh. Nathan, I have to go. I’ll talk to you later.”

  It was still a little early for Alex to be there. She couldn’t imagine who would be calling her at this time of morning. She and Nathan said their goodbyes and she quickly picked up her phone.

  “Hello. This is Alex.”

  “Hello, Ms. Carter. This is Edward Allen from PharmScope. How are you?”

  She sat up in her chair. “Mr. Allen. It’s a pleasure to hear from you. I am very well. What can I do for you?”

  “I wasn’t sure if you were in yet but I thought I’d give you a ring to update you on our decision.”

  Alex closed her eyes and said a silent prayer. “Oh, okay.”

  “I spoke with my staff about your proposal during our last meeting and they gave me their feedback. With all things considered, everyone here agrees it would be beneficial to participate in your fair.”

  She wanted to jump out of her chair and do a cartwheel but she managed to control her jumps and yelps long enough to respond to Mr. Allen. “That’s wonderful. We look forward to helping you find as many candidates as possible.”