The Cost Of Love And Sanity

by Jaye Cheríc

  Alex fixed her lips to say what she wanted to say but a block stood between her brain and her mouth. She found herself thinking about what he would think and how he would respond. How could she expect him to give her this favor? Yet, she had to ask. It may be her last chance to get anything she wanted.

  “I’m sorry, Nathan. I shouldn’t have made that last comment.” She paused. “It is hard to believe that you don’t have any feelings for her anymore but I shouldn’t have made that comment. There is, however, something you can do for me.”

  Nathan zeroed in on her. “What?”

  Alex closed her eyes and blurted it out. “Give me a baby.”

  She stood still, afraid to open her eyes. She couldn’t imagine what Nathan must have thought of her question and she couldn’t bear to see his expression. Wait. This is childish. I’m a professional. I can do better. She decided to count to 5 and open her eyes. 1… 2…3…4…5.

  She opened her eyes to see Nathan’s blank expression. The little girl in her wanted to run and hide but that’s not who she really was. Suddenly, the image of the actress Roxie popped into her head. She thought about Roxie’s calm confidence during her interview. The actress remained proud of her decision, regardless of how it looked to others. Alex straightened her posture, stuck out her chest and looked Nathan straight in the eye.

  “This might sound like a strange request but I was thinking. I’m not getting any younger and I want some things in life. I already have a home, a great job, good money. I want a chance at having a family and, even though we aren’t working out, I was hoping…” She paused. “You would be willing to help me with that.”

  Nathan ran his hand over his face. “Wow.”

  “What does that mean?” Alex leaned forward, analyzing his face in search of an answer.

  “It means…wow.”

  “Nathan, you don’t have to do anything. Okay? I mean, you do but once it’s here, I can take care of it,” Alex added. The more she talked, the more confident she became in her request. She didn’t want him to get bogged down in the details. She preferred to keep it simple. Maybe that would increase the chances that he would go along with it.

  “Whoa! What are you saying? That you want me to give you the seed and disappear.”

  Alex stalled. She really wanted his cooperation. Please don’t be difficult. “Well…what would you prefer?”

  “If I’m gonna make a child, I would want to be a part of his or her life.”

  “In what capacity?”

  A small, sarcastic laugh escaped Nathan’s lips. “In every capacity.”

  Part of her wanted to roll into a ball over this new dilemma. She wanted to avoid being hurt by Nathan again but she wanted him to help her have a child. If he were to give her a child, he would want to stick around. She didn’t know how she would handle that. The constant reminder of what she couldn’t have might prove too much for her.

  On the other hand, how was she supposed to walk away from the opportunity now? This might be her only chance to have a child. She had to push her emotions to the side to get what she wanted. She just wished it wasn’t so hard.

  She placed her hands over her eyes and squeezed them to hold back the tears. “Okay. So, what would you want in order to agree to this? What has to be in place?”

  He stammered. “I… I would have to get visitation to start.”

  Alex sucked in a chest full of air and exhaled. “What else?”

  “I’d want to bring the child around my family. I’d want the child to know its brother.”

  “Basically, you want a hand in the child’s upbringing?”

  Nathan frowned. “Well, yeah. Why wouldn’t I?”

  Alex turned to face ahead but he grabbed her arm.

  “Wouldn’t you want a father for your child?” Nathan asked.

  “I don’t know. If it has one, great. But if not, I can handle it.”

  He shook his head. “That’s not fair.”

  Alex scowled at Nathan and shook her arm out of his grasp. “What are you trying to say?”

  Nathan put his hands up. “I’m only saying that it’s not fair to the child or you.”

  She rolled her eyes.

  “You deserve a man that will be there to take care of and protect you both. Not donate his sperm and walk away.”

  Alex stared Nathan in the eye. “I’m going to do this. With or without you.”

  He stared back at her and bit his lip. “You’re serious, huh?” he asked, in a low voice.

  Alex crossed her arms.

  He paused before answering. “All right. I’ll do it.”

  CHAPTER 32

  Although Nathan agreed to give her a baby, Alex felt unsettled about it the next day. She thought she’d be jumping up and down, feeling like she’d won some kind of victory but that wasn’t the case. Nerves had replaced the determination she felt the day before. Unlike her usual go-getter attitude, she hadn’t thought her spontaneous request all the way through. She just knew she wanted to do it. Now that she started this, she had to figure out how she and Nathan were going to pull it off.

  Alex brushed her hair back in front of her dresser mirror, thinking about when they should conceive. It should probably be as quickly as possible to keep him from changing his mind. Now for the bigger question: how were they going to conceive? They hadn’t talked about it yet and she didn’t quite know how to broach the subject. She could go to the doctor and ask to be artificially inseminated but it seemed pointless. She’d be spending a lot of money to do something she could no doubt do for free.

  But how would she get past the emotional element? Having sex with Nathan again would conjure up emotions that she’d rather bury. Even though she’d called off their relationship, she still wanted to be with him. Alex stared at her reflection in the mirror and shook her head. Sticky. Sticky. Her phone rang. She walked over to answer it.

  “Hey, Alex.” Nathan’s somber voice came through the phone.

  Alex frowned. “Hi, Nathan. Is something wrong?”

  He cleared his throat. “No, um. I wanted to talk to you. Can you come over for dinner tonight?”

  “Why?” A lump formed in Alex’s throat. She sat down on her bed. “You’re not…” She swallowed. “Changing your mind, are you?”

  After a pause, Nathan responded. “No. I don’t think so.”

  “You don’t think so?” Alex raised her eyebrows.

  “How are we gonna do this? What are we going to tell your family? My family? I said I would do it but this is kinda bugging me out.”

  Oh no. Alex gripped the phone tighter. Sure, she’d asked for a strange favor but she couldn’t afford to have Nathan back out now. He couldn’t. He gave her his word he’d do it. She had to make sure he went through with it. That’s all she had: his word that he would help her become a mother. As scared as the situation made her, the negotiator in Alex had to come forth.

  “Nathan, don’t worry about it. Our families will take our lead. If everything is okay with us, it will be okay with them.”

  “Yeah,” he mumbled.

  “What time do you want me to come over?”

  “Eight o’clock.”

  “Fine. I’ll be there. You’ll see. There’ll be no problems.”

  Alex hung up with Nathan, determined to make a plan. She needed some talking points that she could use when she met with him. What were the advantages of him doing this? There were plenty of benefits for her but she couldn’t think of many for him. The main thing is that he would be helping her. If he cared anything about her, this should be a plus. What were the disadvantages? For one, Alex wanted complete control. Maybe she should draw up a contract of things she’s willing to compromise on and have it notarized. That might put him at ease. I’ll bring that up tonight.

  •••

  As the orange street light cast a soft light over her car, Alex noticed the peaceful quiet of the neighborhood. It gave her an opportunity to think about what she wanted to say to Nathan first once she walked i
nside his house. She had to be prepared for all his doubts and objections. She’d gotten him to say yes. Now, she had to keep his answer yes.

  You might as well get on in there. It’s not going to get any easier. Alex opened her car door and stepped out. She smoothed out the blue and white Tessi Cotton Paisley skirt she’d matched with a white top. She’d put a lot of time and nervous energy into picking out clothes. Catching a glimpse of herself in the car window, she wondered if she had over dressed. Then again, she figured she couldn’t go wrong with Ralph Lauren.

  She rang the doorbell and Nathan answered after a couple of minutes. His eyes roamed over Alex quick enough to stay on pace but slow enough for her to notice them.

  “Hey.” He leaned forward and gave her a soft but firm hug. “Come in.”

  Nathan touched her arm and she turned right to see two lilac candles lit in the middle of his dining room table. Their radiant glow stretched over two place settings, a bottle chilled in a silver bucket and a crystal tray with chocolate covered strawberries. A long stem red rose lay beside one of the settings.

  “Please.” He motioned toward the dining room.

  Her nerves kicked in. All of a sudden, her carefully laid out plan seemed useless. What is he doing? She wished she could figure it out but, right then, she couldn’t call it. “What is this?” Alex asked with a little bit of panic creeping into her voice.

  “A little something to de-stress from the day.”

  “Really, Nathan? What happened to ‘we need to talk?’”

  He chuckled at her imitation of him. “I sounded a little bothersome over the phone this morning but I’m calmer now. Don’t I look calm?”

  Nathan turned around, giving Alex a full view of his black slacks and crisp, white shirt. He looked a flawless blend of dressy and comfortable. He always did know how to put himself together well. “Yes.” Alex nodded.

  “Great. Let’s have dinner.” Nathan pulled out the seat for her and slid it back under her. He picked up the rose next to her table setting and handed it to her.

  She smiled. “Thank you.”

  He smiled back. “You’re welcome.”

  He walked to the kitchen and grabbed their plates. Steam floated above their steaks. He placed a plate in front of her and sat across from her with his plate.

  “Looks good,” Alex said.

  “Thanks.”

  After picking up her knife and fork, Alex immediately dug in—to the reason she came. “So, what did you want to talk about?”

  “Whoa! Wait a minute. Let’s enjoy dinner. Chat a little. We have plenty of time to talk about everything else.” He smiled.

  She furrowed her brow, confused. Over the phone, he wanted to talk about their decision to have a baby. Now, he wanted to shoot the breeze. She didn’t know what kind of game he was playing but she sure wished he would tell her what the rules were.

  She fidgeted. “Okay. Fine.” She blew on a piece of steak before biting into it.

  Nathan nodded. “I didn’t get to ask you yesterday but how did the job fair turn out?” He bit a piece of his steak.

  Alex glanced over at his plate and couldn’t help noticing the way he ate. Unlike Phillip’s need to cut every single piece before taking a bite, he cut one or two pieces before sliding some on his fork. She smiled at the difference between the two men. “It went really well. We had over four hundred candidates show up. The employers looked pleased.”

  “I’ll bet they were. That’s awesome. I guess you and the guy don’t have to worry about any layoffs.”

  Alex shrugged and sipped her Pinot Chardonnay. “I don’t know. I’m not sure if we’re out of the woods yet but the job fair’s success was a major plus.”

  “Are you still concerned about it?”

  “No, not really. It’s the nature of the beast. I mean, corporate world.”

  He laughed. “Well, I know you’ll come through.”

  She frowned. “How do you know that?”

  “Because you’re smart and you know what you want. A woman like you can’t ever lose. And even if you started to lose, all you have to do is call me and I’d be there for you.” Nathan’s eyes penetrated her eyes as if he were reading her soul like a book. She looked down at the table, suddenly uncomfortable with his unwavering attention.

  “Are you gonna argue with me?” Nathan asked.

  “No.” She took a sip.

  He chuckled. “I didn’t think so.”

  Unable to hold it back any longer, Alex inquired about his phone call. “What was the phone call about today?”

  He dropped his fork back on his plate. “I knew you couldn’t avoid it for long.”

  “You called me and said we should talk. I’m trying to get you to talk.”

  “What’s the rush?”

  “I want to make sure that…we’re still gonna do this. That you’ll still help me.” Alex’s voice dropped at the end. She didn’t know what she would do if he changed his mind.

  “Don’t worry. I’m sorry if I gave you a scare today. I was sitting at my desk and thinking things over.” He shrugged. “I had questions.”

  “Like what?”

  He paused before clearing his throat. “What if you found another man and he and I start beefing? Would you take my child away from me to keep him happy?”

  “No. Nothing like that would happen.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Did it happen with Clarissa?” Dang it, mouth. As soon as she said that, she wished that she hadn’t. His face fell. She had a hard time reading it. She didn’t know whether he felt anger or hurt. She guessed a little of both.

  “Nathan, this is an unconventional situation but I don’t want you to have any concerns.” She reached over and placed her hand on his. “I won’t keep you from being in the child’s life.” She felt his energy lighten at her reassuring gesture.

  They finally finished off dessert and Alex helped Nathan move the dishes to the kitchen.

  “Do you want the rest of these strawberries?” she asked.

  “Um, nah. They’re yours.” Nathan wiped his hands on his dish towel.

  “Please take at least some of this. I can already feel the fat pockets filling up on my thighs.”

  Nathan sucked his teeth. “Whatever. You don’t have no fat pockets nowhere.”

  Alex raised her eyebrows. “Yes, I do.”

  “No, you don’t. Believe me, I know.”

  She shook her head, as if to shake off Nathan’s intimate knowledge of her anatomy. Instead, she searched her brain for a distraction. Something to make their association seem friendly and light. “I saw earlier that there’s a movie coming on at nine-thirty. It looked like it might be a good one. Did you wanna watch?”

  “No, not really.”

  “Oh, okay,” Alex said sounding a little deflated.

  “A movie is fine but,” he said, slowly. “I have a surprise for you.” Nathan cut his eyes at Alex.

  She stretched her eyes. “What surprise?”

  He nodded down the hall.

  Alex hesitated, wondering what he had up his sleeve. Nathan nodded again and she walked toward the hallway, measuring each step. She almost turned back around to ask him for more details about the surprise but stopped at the sight of rose petals on the wooden floor. The petals formed a straight line from where she stood to the last room on the left. Butterflies formed in her stomach, as she followed the trail. Alex inched toward the bedroom door and pushed it open.

  The petals that led her to the room ended at a large rose petal heart on the king-sized bed. She stepped in farther and opened her mouth to talk but no words came out. Alex caught her breath when she realized what this meant. Nathan intends to make the baby tonight!

  In the midst of her surprise, she didn’t hear Nathan walk into the room and close the door behind him. He grabbed her hand. She turned to face him.

  “You know it’s ironic that you asked me about having a baby.” He backed her up. “Do you remember when you used to fall asleep at
my place and when you woke up, I was always watching you sleep and you would ask why?”

  “Yeah. You told me you liked memorizing my face in case somebody kidnapped me.” She rolled her eyes.

  Nathan chuckled. “That was partially true. The other reason was…” He cupped her face with his hands and positioned it upward so that she would look up at him. His eyes pierced her eyes like laser beams. “I was imagining our baby with your eyes.” Nathan kissed her eyes. “Your nose.” He kissed her nose. “Your lips.” Instead of kissing her lips, Nathan ran his tongue from the bottom to the top of her lips.

  The wet sensation of his tongue over the center of her lips sent her senses into shock overdrive. In that moment, her feelings for Nathan—feelings that she wanted to deny—caused an avalanche of intense passion. She stared up at the towering force of emotion, knowing that she could not hide from it or outrun it. Even if she wanted to leave, she could not now.

  She hadn’t expected them to try for a baby that night but Alex was relieved to know that he hadn’t changed his mind. Still, her feet remained rooted to the floor for more than the baby. Despite her attempts to develop indifference toward Nathan and dump him again, she had to face facts; she really did want him.

  He backed her up to the bed and slid his hands up her skirt. Chills ran down her spine as he pulled her panties to the floor. She fell backward onto the bed but her mind and her body stood at complete attention, anticipating what came next.

  At first, Nathan’s kisses were soft and subtle. He planted them on her inner thigh, slowly moving upward. He eventually moved to the middle where his tongue began dancing around her button. Alex’s earlier, internal upheavals had almost made her forget how attentive he could be to her physical needs. While Nathan demonstrated his intimate knowledge of her, she whimpered, twisted and turned uncontrollably.

  Nathan pulled away before she could completely lose it. Somewhat frustrated, Alex began removing his clothes. They’d come too far not to close the deal. She wasn’t worried about his supposed relationship with his ex or their broken past. Her mission consumed her full attention. So, she rolled over and placed herself on top. He humored her tender touches and passionate kisses but quickly put her on her back again.