The Cost Of Love And Sanity

by Jaye Cheríc

  Alex’s eyes narrowed as she searched his face for reasoning. Without saying a word, Nathan brushed the hair away from her eyes and looked deep into them. He pushed her left leg over his shoulder. As he pushed himself inside her, Alex closed her eyes and let go.

  CHAPTER 33

  Quiet darkness gave way to the sound of pots and pans banging. Light cut through the room like razors through the window blinds. Alex popped up in the bed with her eyes stinging from the rays. The smell of fried turkey bacon took her nose hostage. She swung her legs over the bed and realized she had no clothes on. She quickly shoved her legs back under the covers and pulled the foreign sheets up to her neck. Little lines of worry set up shop across her forehead as she tried to remember how she’d gotten there. Then, the night before came back to her. Nathan. Dinner. Chardonnay. Flowers. Bed. Along with the flood of memories came a new set of worries.

  Last night sealed Nathan’s promise to help her get what she wanted: a baby. But after such a passionate night, Alex expected complete awkwardness between them. The truth was even though they’d made an arrangement, the previous night didn’t feel like an arrangement; it felt more like an invitation. Despite her attempt to reject their reconciliation, Nathan seemed to be opening his arms to her, consistently welcoming her back to him.

  Alex stifled a smile. Some part of her felt giddy about the current direction of their relationship; another part of her still fretted over his potential loyalty to her. She closed her eyes and willed herself to stay in the moment. Alex willed herself to be happy. After all, the last couple of months had been a little rough on her. It was about time something, somewhere made her happy, even if only for a few minutes.

  She heard the microwave beep in the kitchen and wrecked her brain for what to say when she walked in there. Her current excitement did not mean she had to bounce in there like a giggling school girl. She could comment on how good the food smelled but after that, then what? Alex heard more rummaging and decided she’d better go to the kitchen.

  Alex took a quick trip to the bathroom, wrapped her body in his terrycloth bathrobe, and then, crept down the hall. She saw Nathan, shirtless in pajama pants, facing the range. He twisted his head to the right, caught a glimpse of her frame and turned. He greeted her with a smile that could melt polar caps. Not the type of smile you give someone you’re tolerating for the sake of an arrangement. Suddenly, Alex’s worries from a few minutes ago dissipated. She returned a smile to him.

  “Morning!” Nathan cheered. He walked over, wrapped his arms around her waist and gave her a long, lingering kiss. His kiss tasted like cinnamon and syrup. Alex smiled, interrupting it.

  “What are you smiling about?”

  “Couldn’t wait for me, huh?”

  “I was taste testing. I had to make sure it was right for you.” He smiled again.

  “Is it?”

  “Perfect, if I do say so myself.”

  “Great.” Alex squeezed him and walked over to the stove. Nathan cooked bacon, French toast and omelets. She eyed the food hungrily. “Wow! You’re a regular Emeril, huh?”

  “I can make it do what it’s supposed to do.”

  She lifted an omelet out of the pan and placed it on a plate. “Have you ever thought about becoming a chef or something?”

  “No.”

  “Why not? You seem to have a real knack for this.”

  “I might have a knack for it but I don’t think I have a passion for it.”

  “What do you consider passion?” She bit into a piece of bacon.

  “When you get up in the morning and can’t wait to do something. I don’t have that for cooking.”

  “What do you have passion for?”

  “A couple of things, I guess. Helping people,” Nathan said.

  She nodded. “In what way?”

  “I like helping them take care of a need.”

  “Food is a need.” She smiled.

  Nathan smiled and shook his head. “Not the need I’m interested in. What about you? Do you have any dreams?”

  Alex brought her plate and a glass of apple juice to the kitchen table. “You already know my dream.”

  Nathan sat down next to her. “Is that all that you want? A child?”

  “You don’t understand,” she said.

  “I want to. Explain it to me,” Nathan said, sitting down at the table.

  “I’ve always been able to accomplish whatever I wanted to. A family is the one thing that I wanted to do but haven’t done. Everything else is pretty much taken care of or at least on the way.”

  “Why do you want a kid?”

  “Because I have to grow and evolve. Live for something other than myself. Being a mother, a nurturer is that next step for me.” She shrugged. “A career isn’t everything.”

  Nathan nodded. “I agree but what about love, a husband? You don’t want that?”

  “Of course, I do. That was a part of the full dream.”

  “Then, why are you giving up on that?”

  A couple of unpleasant emotions hit Alex at once. The first was anger. On some level, she wondered how dare Nathan insinuate that she was giving up on having a full family. She didn’t want to let go of her family dreams; she felt like she had no choice. The other emotion that troubled her was sadness. If she had a child on her own, she would wake up day and night to tend to the child alone. The happiness she felt when she woke up in Nathan’s bed would only be a memory. She was keenly aware that she would not be getting all that she wanted and it troubled her to the core.

  She blinked back her emotions. “I’m not giving up. I’m taking matters into my own hands.”

  Alex had only eaten two thirds of the food on her plate. Although it was good, talking about where she was in her life and where she was trying to go took her appetite away. Nathan looked down at her plate.

  “If you’d waited, I would have brought some to you.”

  She shrugged. “It’s okay. I don’t mind coming out to get it.”

  “What? You don’t like breakfast in bed?”

  “It’s fine but I don’t mind getting it myself,” Alex said.

  Nathan stared at her stiff body language. “Well, here. I’ll throw the rest of it out for you.”

  He reached for her plate but she picked it up before he could grab it. “I got it.” She walked into the kitchen and threw it away.

  Nathan leaned back in his chair. “So, you don’t want someone to ever do things for you or take care of you?”

  “I don’t mind someone doing things for me but why do I need to be taken care of?” Alex asked, while still scraping food out of the plate.

  “Everybody does on occasion. Like when they’re sick.” He stared at the table. “You should let me do things for you sometimes,” Nathan whispered.

  “I’m good.”

  Nathan ran his hand over his face. “Um. What are we gonna do when you’re pregnant?” he asked, turning in his chair.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Are people going to assume we are together or what?” His once lighthearted tone had been replaced with a serious one.

  Alex noticed and searched for a response. “Yeah, but we can pretend that we broke up after she gets here, if that’s okay with you?” She glanced over at him.

  The high that Alex woke up to had disappeared. Instead of riding the sky, her feet were back on solid ground. She and Nathan were back to the situation at hand. They made a deal to go through with something and that’s what they were there for. No matter how she felt about the roses and their night together, she had to remember that they made an arrangement. Nathan hadn’t forgotten.

  He nodded and tapped his thumb on the table. “Okay. Sounds like a plan.”

  CHAPTER 34

  Alex battled the morning traffic with her mind preoccupied. Since she departed from Nathan’s house, she hadn’t talked to him. She wasn’t sure what that meant on his end but she was hesitant to call him. Each time she reached for the phone, she found herself drawing her ha
nd back. At the same time, she almost felt like she should call him. After all, he was doing her a favor. He agreed to help her have a baby. A thought struck her. What if their last time together didn’t take? Were they going to go back and keep trying? There goes another issue you haven’t thought all the way through. Funny. This seemed like such a good idea when she initially mentioned it to him. It was turning out to be harder than she expected.

  But did that mean she should quit? Completely give up on her dream to have a child? Alex shook her head. She couldn’t. She refused to spend the rest of her life alone with no family. No nothing. Phillip was right. It would get very lonely with her and no one else to care about her. She couldn’t do that to herself. She deserved better than that.

  Soon she would have to work up the nerve to call Nathan. She’d forgotten her necklace over his house. If she used the necklace as an opening, maybe that would make the conversation flow easier. I’ll call him later.

  Alex pulled into her office parking lot and walked into the building intent on pushing her personal thoughts to the back of her mind. “Morning, Betty,” Alex said, only glancing the secretary’s way.

  “Good morning, Alex,” Betty sang. “You’re needed in conference room E at ten o’clock.”

  Alex stopped midstride and turned to Betty. “Why?”

  “Because you guys have an emergency meeting.”

  “Oh, great. Do you know what it’s about?”

  “Not really.” Betty shook her head.

  Alex started walking toward the elevator.

  “Have fun,” Betty chirped in Alex’s direction.

  She entered her office and dropped her briefcase on the desk. While her computer booted up, Alex reviewed her calendar for the day. The previous day, she’d started making calls to the employers that participated in the job fair. She wanted to thank them for making it a success. She had only been able to call a couple of them yesterday. She thought she might finish up today.

  The next on her list to call was Mr. Allen at PharmScope. He had been the hardest to sign on for the fair. When she counted the hires during the event, PharmScope seemed to have hired a large number of people. She wanted to make sure he was satisfied with the end result. Alex picked up the phone and dialed Mr. Allen’s number—only half expecting him to answer, given his busy schedule.

  “Hello?” Mr. Allen’s voice sounded alert at the other end of the phone.

  “Mr. Allen. This is Alex Carter. How are you?”

  “I’m excellent. I was talking about you yesterday.”

  “Really?”

  “I was telling the staff about how wonderful the job fair went. Everyone agrees that you guys did a magnificent job.”

  Alex smiled. “I’m glad that you all are pleased. Did you get the fifty candidates you were looking for?”

  “Better. We were able to hire seventy-eight.”

  “That’s awesome. Keep me posted on their progress. Let me know if you have any other staffing needs.”

  “We may be hiring again for a different department in another month or so. I’ll definitely give you a call once we are ready to go.”

  “I’ll look forward to it.”

  Alex hung up with Mr. Allen feeling vindicated. She did what she set out to do. She, with Dan’s help, created a first rate job fair to improve the agency’s numbers. Alex felt like she could do anything. She smiled and turned back to her computer to check her emails. Her email inbox was still fairly full when the clock struck nine forty-five but Alex needed to cut the reading short in favor of getting to the emergency meeting on time. I wonder what it’s about. She shrugged and broke away from her computer.

  Alex arrived at the conference room with eight minutes to spare. She took a seat while others stood around talking. Perhaps she should have been as social as everyone else but she found her mind wondering back to Nathan. She secretly started tossing around ideas about what to say to him when she called. Despite the chit-chatter, she remained unaware of her own surroundings.

  “Hey, Alex,” Dan said, dropping into the seat next to her. Before now, Dan would have sat on the opposite side of the table but since they partnered for the job fair, they had garnered respect for each other. He now thought nothing of sitting beside her—his newfound ally.

  She glanced over her shoulder. “Hello, Dan. How are you?”

  “Good. What about you?”

  “I’m well. I talked to Mr. Allen at PharmScope this morning. He was very pleased with the fair.”

  “That’s the general consensus. The sponsors were ecstatic with the turnout. I gave them a free gift card as a token of our appreciation,” Dan said.

  Alex nodded. “Nice touch.”

  “Thank you.” Dan narrowed his eyes at Alex. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine. Why?”

  “I don’t know. You look like you have a lot on your mind.”

  “I’m fine. Really.” She shifted her weight in her seat.

  Dan leaned toward her. “C’mon, Alex. You can talk to me. It can’t be the fair; we did too good a job on that.”

  She sighed. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

  “Is there trouble at home?”

  She scowled at him and sat back in her chair.

  “Wait a minute. Is it the guy in the parking lot?”

  “What guy?” Courtney asked, plopping down next to Dan.

  Alex thought fast. “One of the HR reps that attended our fair. Yeah, he complained the whole time. Right, Dan?” She squinted at Dan.

  “Yes, we had a hard time keeping him quiet but he was a happy camper when we gave him pizza,” Dan said, retaining eye contact with Alex.

  “Oh. So, the job fair paid off?” Courtney asked.

  “Yes,” Alex and Dan said in unison.

  Courtney nodded. “Cool. Congrats.”

  Having momentarily satisfied her curiosity, Courtney stood up and darted off to dig into someone else’s Kool-Aid.

  Alex realized she’d been holding her breath and exhaled. “Let’s drop this. Okay?”

  “Okay but if you decide that you want to talk about something—anything, I’m here.” Dan gave Alex an earnest look.

  She nodded, as the meeting began.

  “Good morning, everyone,” Mr. Sims said. His voice filled the room with an unusual zealousness. “I’ve called this meeting because we have great news that I couldn’t wait to share.”

  The staff listened, waiting to hear the news. Despite Alex’s somber mood, he had her on the edge of her seat. After building them up, he finally told them.

  “I’m happy to report that our placement numbers are up twenty-five percent.”

  Everyone clapped. Mr. Sims raised his hand for them to hold off.

  “Much of the increase came from the job fair we held last week. The companies that participated in the fair hired a hundred and forty-six new employees. And the two people responsible for the new hires are Alexis Carter and Dan Reece!”

  The staff hooted and hollered. Dan stood up and pulled Alex up with him to bask in the applause. Her pensive demeanor momentarily lifted. As she looked around to see her peers clapping for her, she felt a little more at ease. The concerns she had when she entered the office that morning seemed smaller and more manageable. I’ll work this out. I always do. Things were headed in the right direction. For once, she believed it. She found herself chuckling as the staff cheered for her and Dan.

  CHAPTER 35

  After a pretty good day at work, Alex decided to treat herself to a hairdo. Luckily for her, one of the perks of having a friend as a hairstylist was being able to stroll into the shop without an appointment and get serviced quickly. Sure, it wasn’t always the nicest thing to do, especially when people were waiting but Alex tried not to hold others up for too long.

  She merely wanted to talk to her friend in addition to getting her ends trimmed. One thing was for certain, she wasn’t ready to go home yet. As she pulled up to Perfect Hair by Melinda, she realized she wasn’t ready to cal
l Nathan either but she planned to do it.

  Her nerves began to attack her all over again as she pulled out her phone and prepared to dial his number. She had to swim through a myriad of emotions to resist the urge to put the phone back down.

  “Hello,” Nathan answered on the fourth ring.

  “Hi, Nathan. It’s Alex. How’s it going?” She cringed at her own inane attempt at cordiality.

  “Great,” he answered quickly with no apparent enthusiasm. He also lapsed into a strange silence.

  Okay. This is awkward. “Good. Um. I have a question. When I came over there, I had on a diamond necklace and I haven’t been able to find it. Have you found it?”

  “Yes, it’s at home.”

  Alex sighed. “Awesome! I was hoping it would be there. If I’m not there to pick it up today, I’ll drop by tomorrow. Is that okay?”

  “That’s fine. Whenever you want to get it is fine.” Another silence followed.

  Alex cringed again. The initial hope she had that the necklace would be a good conversational opener had fallen flat. She wouldn’t describe Nathan’s tone as cold but he wasn’t as warm as usual, which made it hard for her to handle him. She didn’t know what to say to someone who had always treated her with so much kindness, no matter what the situation. “Um. Okay. So, how’s everything?”

  “Fine. How’s everything with you?”

  “Good. My boss recognized Dan and me at a meeting today for the job fair.”

  “Congratulations,” Nathan said.

  On that note, Alex didn’t know what else to say. She decided to end the conversation for now. “Well, I’ll see you later.”

  “All right. Bye.”

  With that, he hung up. Alex stared at her phone. What does this mean? Why had their interactions become so awkward? It seemed like there was something that Nathan wanted to say but decided against it. Never had their interactions felt so forced. It seemed like the plan that she thought made a lot of sense had produced some other complications.