The Cost Of Love And Sanity

by Jaye Cheríc

  Alex finally put her phone away and stepped out of her car. When she walked into the shop and saw Izzy, she quietly thanked God for friendships. She headed toward the third chair, where Izzy was working on a weave ponytail. When Izzy saw her, she grinned.

  “Hey. Haven’t talked to you in a few. What’s up?” Izzy asked.

  “Oh, girl. Life,” Alex said. Her conversation with Nathan remained fresh in her mind and heavy on her heart. She plopped down in the stylist chair next to Izzy.

  “We’ve all got that going on. Things should be easy now that the job fair is over, right?”

  “Yeah, that’s a relief.”

  “Then, all is good. However, I did have a question. What happened the other night at Spears? I don’t remember much but one minute we were sitting down having a good time and the next minute we were almost at my house.” Izzy spun her client around to face the mirror.

  Alex sighed and shook her head. “It was crazy.”

  The client stood up and reached into her pocket for Izzy’s money. “I’ll call you later this week to schedule my next appointment,” the client said as she started toward the door.

  “Okay. Talk to you later,” Izzy called back to her.

  While Izzy put her money away, Alex slid into her chair.

  “So, what happened? I was too tipsy to remember,” Izzy said.

  “When I broke from you guys to go to the restroom, I ran into A.J.”

  “Oooh.” Izzy turned around to face Alex.

  Alex spun the chair around to face Izzy. She pointed at her. “I told you we were going to run into him.”

  “Hey! What were the odds? I figured he had no reason to be there. I didn’t know he hung out in the club all the time,” Izzy said.

  “Well. Apparently, he does.”

  “What did he say?”

  “He hit on me again.”

  “Naturally.”

  “He also told me that Nathan is still seeing his son’s mother.”

  Izzy rolled her eyes. “This guy is so getting on my nerves.” She sat down on her stool. “How does he know what Nathan’s doing?”

  “He showed me a picture of them together.”

  “Him and her?”

  “And the child,” Alex added.

  Izzy raised her eyebrows. “Well, maybe it was a family photo that they took together.”

  “This didn’t exactly look like something they took in a photo studio.”

  “Then, maybe it’s old. And how did he end up with it?”

  Alex shook her head. “I don’t know. I wasn’t trying to stick around to ask him. I wanted to get out of there.”

  “Aww. Have you told Nathan yet?”

  “Not exactly.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t know if it’s really worth it to tell him. I mean, he’ll probably deny any wrongdoing, right?” Alex asked.

  “Yeah, but at least everything will be out in the open. You can’t hold that in. You guys have to talk about it or else it’ll stay lurking in the back of your mind and you won’t be able to move on together,” Izzy reasoned.

  “That’s the thing. Should we be moving on together? If this is going to happen over and over again every other month, is it worth it?” Alex’s heart almost broke thinking about the agony of having to relive trust issues with Nathan repeatedly.

  “I really think this is the work of someone who is jealous of his friend and wants to ruin his relationship. I don’t see this as deception on Nathan’s part.” Izzy picked up a Styrofoam cup and sucked soda through the straw.

  Alex shrugged.

  “I know one thing.” Izzy stepped off her stool.

  “What?”

  “I sure hope you don’t plan to give up on this relationship.”

  Alex swallowed. What would Izzy say if she knew I already had?

  “Seriously. I’ve never seen you happier. You’re smiling more. You look relaxed.” She circled her finger around Alex. “And I’ve known you long enough to know when you’re going through changes.”

  “And what changes am I going through?”

  Izzy stopped for drama. “The change of love.”

  “Oh my gosh.” Alex hung her head.

  “You know I’m right. I truly believe that Nathan is good for you, Alex. I only hope that you realize it before you make a big mistake.”

  Alex’s mind flashed back to her night with Nathan and their baby plan. From the tone of Nathan’s voice over the phone, she wondered if she’d already made a big mistake. She still hadn’t told anyone about their arrangement and truth was Alex didn’t expect people to understand, not even Izzy. Though they were best friends, Alex didn’t want to have to defend her decision. She wanted to go forth with her plans without giving anyone a chance to tell her not to. Despite Izzy’s optimism about Alex and Nathan’s relationship, Alex only wanted to make sure she made the most of the situation because she couldn’t bank on his commitment to her. She couldn’t trust her heart or feelings the way Izzy wanted her to; So, Alex had to make the baby plans. And most importantly, she had to keep them to herself.

  CHAPTER 36

  Alex yawned while she stood in the short line for the copier. Hers had broken and the tech department wouldn’t get to it for another day or so. In a way, she didn’t mind getting up to walk around; she’d been yawning for the past couple of hours. Good thing she planned to leave right after this quick run. She didn’t know how much longer she would hold up. Alex had crossed her arms and faced forward when she felt a tap on her shoulder. Alex turned around to see Romero. Aww. I’m not in the mood for him right now.

  She stifled her initial reaction and forced herself to greet him with a smile. “Hello, Romero.”

  “Hello, Alex. How have you been?”

  Alex’s mind automatically scanned the last few weeks of her life. Although these thoughts took her through a number of complex emotions within a couple of seconds, she betrayed her inner upheavals with her usual professional confidence. “Great. What about you?”

  “Awesome!” He smiled. “I wanted to congratulate you on the job fair.”

  “Thank you. The caliber of candidates exceeded my conservative expectations.”

  “Umm. You and Dan really pulled it off. Was it as hard working with him as you thought it would be?” He chuckled.

  “No. It actually wasn’t. He was prepared and he worked really hard. I was very impressed.”

  Romero raised his eyebrows and nodded. He stared at her without a word and, for a minute, Alex feared she would have to rebuff another proposed date. She kept talking.

  “Surely you know what it’s like to work with someone that you initially underestimated. You may have even been a bit of jerk to them,” she added.

  “Yeah but, according to my girlfriend, I can be pretty hard to deal with anyway.” He laughed.

  Alex could not resist raising her eyebrows. Girlfriend. Finally. She tried to cover her surprise. She could only replace it with relief. “Well, I guess she would know.” She chuckled.

  As if on cue, the person at the copier picked up their papers and walked away.

  “Talk to you later,” she said to Romero.

  Alex trotted to the machine, finished her copies and darted to her office to get ready to leave.

  When she walked toward the front door of the building, she glanced at the lobby clock. Four thirty-two. If she hurried, she could get to Nathan’s house and pick up her necklace within the five o’clock hour. Alex didn’t feel like going to his house after Izzy finished her hair yesterday. She decided to wait and get her necklace today. At least, that’s what she wanted to tell herself. She was really postponing more awkward exchanges. She’d been tired all day but she didn’t want the necklace to go missing so she figured she’d better pick it up.

  All she had to do was go to his house, pick up the necklace, go home, cook, eat and stretch out. It sounded like a plan to her. She briskly walked to her car, balancing her briefcase, purse, mug and car keys.

>   When she was almost to the car, she pointed her keychain and pressed the unlock button. Click, Click.

  Alex hit the button on her car key chain again.

  Click, Click.

  What is wrong with this thing? Every time she tried to unlock her door, it locked back. She exhaled, trying to calm herself down. All I want to do is get my necklace, go home, eat and sleep. She placed her briefcase and mug on the hood of her car. Alex grabbed her phone to call Nathan.

  He answered with a buzzer sound in the background. “Hello?”

  “Hi, Nathan. It’s Alex.”

  “Hey. What’s up?”

  “I was going to stop by your house to pick up my necklace but I can’t. I’m having car trouble,” she said, still hitting her unlock button with no success.

  “Oh, I’m not home yet. I don’t get off until six.”

  Alex slapped her palm on her forehead. “Oh. Sorry. I didn’t realize that.”

  “What’s wrong with your car?”

  “When I try to unlock the door, it keeps locking back on me.”

  “If you unlock it with your key, will it stay unlocked long enough for you to get in and drive?”

  Alex tried unlocking the door with the key. It allowed her to open the door and get in. She cranked up the engine.

  “Yes.”

  “Okay. Drive over here to my dealership. I’ll let one of the technicians know you’re coming.”

  “But they’re not a Lexus dealer?”

  “The used part of the dealership sells Lexus.”

  “I hope it doesn’t cost an arm and a kidney.” Alex trusted Nathan’s judgment on cars but she needed to be prepared.

  “I’ll take care of it.”

  Alex breathed a sigh of relief. “Thanks. Okay. I’m on my way.”

  It started to drizzle as she entered the expressway. Luckily, the roads were still dry and traffic had remained clear. Within thirty minutes, she pulled into Bayside Dealership where a tall, slender man with glasses emerged from a mini office. He leaned over, as she rolled down her window.

  “Are you Alex?” he asked.

  “Yes.”

  “I’m Chuck. Nathan asked me to see about your car. What seems to be the problem?”

  Alex explained her lock problem. The words spilled out of her mouth so fast she was afraid they were jumbling all together but she had to release her frustration. Chuck seemed to understand her anyway.

  He nodded. “You either need a new keychain or there might be a problem with the door latch. Is this the first time this happened?” He inspected the door handle.

  “Yes. Well, no. It happened months ago but it went away. I didn’t go to the dealership because I hadn’t had any other problems and thought they wouldn’t be able to do anything about it without seeing the lock stick.”

  He nodded again. “That’s generally the case. I’ll take it to the back and figure out which it is. The waiting area is right through those doors. You should be out of here in an hour.”

  Although she preferred to be a sleep in an hour, she was happy the car would be fixed. Alex smiled. “Thank you.”

  She grabbed her purse and briefcase before scurrying off to the waiting room. Four black couches surrounded a brown coffee table littered with magazines. Two of those couches were back to back. CNN blared from the plasma TV. Alex walked around the corner and found an area without a TV—a much quieter space. It housed chairs and a softer couch. Figuring she might as well make good use of the time, she sat in one of the chairs and rummaged through her case.

  At first, she struggled to focus. The need to sleep seemed to overpower her at times but, after she purchased a Coke from the vending machine, she could finally concentrate. About forty-eight minutes in, she was deep in thought, reading through the weekly numbers for her team. They were doing even better than usual. While filling in the numbers for her reports, she didn’t notice anyone walk into the area.

  “Alex.”

  She almost jumped up in midair.

  Nathan placed his hand on her shoulder and sat next to her. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

  “No, it’s fine. I was lost in thought. That’s all.”

  He nodded. “Chuck said that it was the keychain and the key latch. So, they’ve replaced both and it should work now.”

  “Thank you.” She smiled at him.

  He nodded. “They’re ready for you up front.” Nathan stood up and helped her with her briefcase.

  When they walked up to the cashier’s desk, the cashier informed her of the price. They only charged her for a percentage of the parts, instead of making her pay for the parts and the service. She appreciated Nathan helping set this up for her. If he hadn’t stepped in, she would have found away to get her car fixed but it might have taken longer or cost more.

  While she paid for the service, she thought about how caring and supportive Nathan was. It reminded Alex of how he’d always treated her. She wondered if things were going to return back to normal for them. Maybe they would be on better speaking terms and better able to work out any differences they had.

  She wanted them to get along. At this point, Nathan was the only man she could imagine as father to their child. She could see him picking the child up from school. Taking them to the playground. He’d make a great father. As she thought about his warm personality, she smiled. She wondered if she really wanted him solely as a sperm donor. It would be nice to have him in her life in a more complete way. Maybe she’d jumped the gun letting him go.

  Nathan stood beside Alex while she obtained her car keys. His cell phone rang and he answered. He walked off to the side while Alex signed her receipt for the cashier. The lady behind the desk gave Alex a smile and encouraged her to come back. As Alex walked up behind Nathan to thank him again, she could make out his conversation.

  “No, Clarissa. I don’t have time right now. I can come over later.”

  Alex’s heart dropped down to her stomach. She felt like someone had poked a pin in her balloon. Thoughts of a future with Nathan were obliterated as quickly as they formed. She wanted to think this through but her heart wouldn’t allow it. Instead, she reacted.

  Realizing that he held her briefcase, Alex grabbed it and brushed past him. She stormed out the glass door.

  “Alex! Alex!”

  She continued to stomp toward her car. If I can make it to my car and drive off, I’ll be fine.

  Nathan reached her a few steps shy of her car. He grabbed her arm. “Alex? Where are you going?”

  “What difference does it make?”

  He frowned at her and shook his head.

  “Yeah, I don’t know either. You couldn’t even wait until I left to talk to her.”

  “She called me. I wasn’t aware I was supposed to ignore it.”

  “You should have, while you were around me. That’s rude!”

  “What’s rude is bolting off like that! You trying to make me look crazy at my job after I helped you,” Nathan shouted.

  “I didn’t ask you to do that. If you didn’t want to do it, you shouldn’t have bothered.”

  “Okay. Next time, I won’t.”

  “That’s fine with me. I don’t need your help.”

  “That’s not the way it looks to me. You’re the one asking me to give you a baby.”

  Alex felt like doubling over at the verbal punch to her stomach but she stood like a stone.

  “You agreed.” She pointed at him.

  Nathan walked closer to her. “After you begged me.”

  She scowled. “No. You begged me, Mr. Flowers and Picnics. I shouldn’t have given in.” Alex pressed the keychain and opened her car.

  “Like you had so many other choices!” Nathan yelled over her engine.

  Alex sped off. Boiling hot tears poured down her face. She dabbed them with the back of her hand.

  “What now? What am I supposed to do now?”

  She blinked a few times to clear the watery film covering her pupils.

  “No man
. No baby.” She sobbed. “Why does this keep happening to me? Why can’t I get this right?”

  CHAPTER 37

  “Ouch,” Alex said as she placed her fingers to her temples—the point of the pounding inside her head. She’d been suffering all morning. So much so that she’d avoided breakfast and run straight for her prescription. Despite her attempt to medicate, the pain hadn’t let up. She couldn’t pinpoint anything physical that would cause the headache, unless it was Nathan’s words.

  They still haunted her, echoing through the walls in her mind. She couldn’t believe that he would talk to her that way—as if he’d done her some huge favor with the baby arrangement. Like she needed him. She didn’t need him. But then again, she did. Currently, he was her only shot at having a child. There were no other prospects, short of calling up a sperm bank and making an appointment. Yet she, like her doctor, didn’t believe that it should come to that. Alex was smart and attractive. Why should her conception be any different from anyone else?

  Still, he didn’t have to make her feel bad about their plans. It contradicted the supportive and understanding way he’d always treated her. Over the past couple of months, Nathan always made her feel special, even when she doubted the nature of his relationship with his son’s mother. So, she couldn’t tell whether he was fronting for her or if he’d changed his mind about her altogether. Either way, she’d lost something.

  “Ms. Carter?” the call center rep said.

  “Hmm?” Alex snapped out of her trance long enough to see the puzzled look on the rep’s face.

  “Are you okay?”

  Alex cleared her throat. “Yes, I’m fine. Why?”

  “I was asking what are we going to do about the software? Do you want us to look up the numbers individually since we can’t generate a client list?”

  “No. Work with the ones you have. I’ll report the problem to IT.”

  “Okay.” The rep turned her chair back to her desk and minimized her main screen.

  Alex beelined her way to her office. She closed the door and searched her drawer for her prescription. Before she could get the bottle open, someone knocked on her door. She shoved the bottle back in the drawer.