Losing an Edge

by Catherine Gayle

  Heck, maybe I should. It’d be nice to tell someone in my life everything, or at least someone other than my counselor. I’d filled Sara in on some of it. Cam only knew the bare bones. Mom and my sisters were aware of even less than Cam. The thought of relieving myself of the burden, of ridding myself of the enormous lump that had settled in the center of my chest and refused to budge, was so tempting I doubted I could resist.

  “You scared of me?”

  I shook my head. “Not you.” If anything, I was scared for him. And for me. There hadn’t been too many times in my life that I’d even admitted to myself how much fear I lived with on a daily basis, but Guy showing up at my practice today had sent it all rushing straight back to my heart. Stopping my pulse. Stealing everything good from me in an instant.

  There wasn’t any good way to describe it other than fear. And it was debilitating.

  “It’s that asshole, Guy, isn’t it?” Levi pressed. “He’s still in your head.”

  “In my head?” I shrugged. “It’s not as simple as that.” Nothing was simple.

  “Why not?”

  I hesitated. Glanced across the waiting room to find that the boys were still fast asleep and Elin might as well be. She wasn’t paying any attention to us. Cam still hadn’t returned from dealing with whatever trouble Harry had gotten himself into. All of that meant there was no point in lying, no reason to tell him anything less than the truth. I bit down on my lower lip again and then I went for it.

  “He showed up at practice today.”

  “What the fuck is he doing here?” Levi tried to stand up, but his foot slipped and he fell down again almost immediately.

  I put my hand on his, hoping it would keep him where he was. We might be in a hospital, but that was no reason for him to go and hurt himself by doing something stupid. “Trying to get me back,” I said. “Telling me how he can’t live without me. Threatening me. And threatening you, too.”

  “What about me?”

  “Guy knows about you. He didn’t come right out and say he’d hurt you if I didn’t stay away from you, but he might as well have.”

  “So that’s what your note was about? Trying to warn me off? So, what, so you can fucking protect me?” Levi was practically roaring now, with no signs of recognizing he was in a public place and should keep it down. “That’s fucking backwards, Cadence. Screwed up. I’m not the one who needs to be protected from this son of a bitch. I saw how he fucking made you cry back in the Winter Games. Maybe no one else did, but I did. I saw it. Fucking bastard.”

  Throughout his entire tirade, I kept trying to calm him down so he wouldn’t wake the kids or cause a scene. There weren’t any others in the waiting room at this hour, but there was no telling when someone else might come in. His eyes were flashing, so full of hurt and anger and booze that I could barely find the sweet, self-effacing, funny guy I’d come to care about underneath it all.

  “Levi, please,” I said, taking his hand in both of mine and drawing it to my lap.

  “Has he threatened you before?”

  I shook my head. “Not really. Or maybe. I don’t know. Everything’s a mess in my head.”

  “What everything? Tell me.”

  My shoulders started to go up in a shrug, almost involuntarily, but I stopped myself. “It started years ago. Not long after we first became a team. Things were going great. Our coaches and choreographers loved us and had high hopes for us. I thought I’d hit the jackpot because we seemed like such a perfect match. But before long, it started. He’d catch a rut with his skate in practice, and because of the way we’d be skating side by side, I would stumble or maybe fall. In the early days, he would glower at me and grumble about keeping my footing, and I’d apologize and promise to do better. There was never any point arguing that it hadn’t been my fault, that he was the one who’d caused the mishap. He wouldn’t hear a word of it.

  “Before long, I started to believe it myself—because the rest of the time, he was as charming as ever. He was great in front of the cameras. He was personable. He went on and on to anyone who would listen about what a great team we made, how we were going to go as far as we could in figure skating. We were going to win the gold. Or we would, he’d tell me, as long as I got my act together and stopped screwing everything up all the time.”

  “Son of a bitch,” Levi grumbled. He rubbed his thumb over the back of my hand. Although, he wasn’t slurring his words anymore. My admission might have done the unthinkable and sobered him up somewhat. That could be dangerous. Maybe he’d remember some of this tomorrow… I couldn’t exactly stop telling him now that I’d started, though.

  “It really was my fault often enough that I took it all on myself. And the longer we were together, the worse it got. Early on, he was careful to only berate me when we were alone and no one else would hear. But once we started dating, that changed. I’m not sure if it was because we were together all the time or something else, but he forgot all about that filter. He’d do it quietly so the whole world wouldn’t hear, but hearing about how inadequate I was quickly became a daily thing. And it spread to areas that weren’t strictly related to figure skating. If I wanted to go out with my sisters, he gave me a hard time because I wasn’t giving him enough attention. If I tried to start up a friendship with someone, he soon convinced me that relationship was bad for me, so I’d cut it off before it turned into anything substantial or lasting. He did his best to make sure he was the only person with any influence over me, the only one who held any sway.”

  “Why the fuck did you put up with that?”

  This time, I couldn’t stop myself from shrugging. “It started so small, but it kept building. Gradually. A bit at a time, he took over my life. I thought he loved me and was pushing me to be the best. That he was looking out for me. It wasn’t until later that I realized he was cutting me off from everyone in my life who would put a stop to it.”

  “So what changed? I mean, you were still with him at the Games. And he was still being a bastard. That much was clear to me.”

  And now we arrived at the part I had such difficulty putting into words. “A few months later, I was pregnant. I told him as soon as I realized, before I’d had a chance to figure out what I wanted to do about it. He flew off the handle. Screamed bloody murder at me. He said I was trying to ruin our careers. That I’d gotten knocked up on purpose because I was trying to hurt him. Then he demanded I go in for an abortion.”

  “And did you? You must have,” Levi said. There was so much sadness simmering beneath the anger in him. With his free hand, he tucked some of my hair behind my ear. Such a gentle and unexpected touch. Too much more of that, and he might just undo me.

  I was both intrigued and frightened by the prospect.

  I shook my head. I needed to let it all out. Now that I’d started talking, the urge to plow through and empty the whole clip was so strong I felt powerless to stop it. “I didn’t have an abortion. I didn’t think I wanted one, but no matter what, I wasn’t ready to make a snap decision. Not about something like that. So I told him I needed some time to decide what I wanted. Guy sulked all night, telling me over and over again that I was doing this to hurt him and there was no other explanation that made any sense. The next day in practice, we were working on a lift, and he dropped me. He hadn’t hit a rut or anything like that. It was a lift we’d done hundreds, maybe thousands of times before, and he’d never once dropped me. But this time he did. Hard. It was almost like he threw me into the boards more than dropped me.”

  “And you miscarried,” Levi finished.

  I nodded. “My ankle was sprained pretty badly, but I lost the pregnancy. Had to go in for a D and C. We told everyone it was all about my ankle, though.”

  Levi was calm. Too calm. It felt like the dangerous sort of calm that Cam tended to arrive at right before he went off the deep end in trying to protect someone he loved. I couldn’t seem to stop shaking, worrying about what he might do.

  “So this son of a bitch treats you l
ike shit for years, knocks you up, then he hurts you bad enough that you lose the baby. Then you leave, and he follows you? And threatens you? Am I understanding this right?”

  I wasn’t shocked by hearing profanity, but Levi seemed to have lost some sort of filter over that. Likely because of all the alcohol in his system. In all the time we’d been together, he’d kept it in check a lot better than this. It knocked down a layer of my defenses, leaving me vulnerable. “There was more in between, but yeah. That’s basically it.”

  “What kind of more?” Levi growled.

  “Nothing too serious. He just wouldn’t take the hint. He kept calling me, leaving me notes on my door or my car. That sort of thing.”

  “He stalked you.”

  “I wouldn’t go—”

  “He fucking stalked you. He abused you for years, and then when you tried to put an end to it, he started stalking you. And he’s still doing it. He’s trying to intimidate you into doing whatever the fuck he wants you to do, and that’s why he’s threatening me. Well, not to my face. I doubt he wants to do that. It’s all about getting to you. But he followed you here to keep stalking you, Cadence.”

  I swallowed hard. When he put it like that, there wasn’t much point in trying to argue with him. Maybe I’d never thought of any of it in quite those terms, but there was a sickening ring of truth to them. “Maybe,” I said slowly, taking my hands from his and wrapping my arms around my middle.

  “Instead of calling the police, you decided to take things into your own hands and break things off with me.”

  “Do you honestly think the police—”

  “Yes, I damn well think the police need to be involved. And not because I’m scared for me. I’m scared for you. I’m scared for your brother and his kids. I’m scared for your fucking partner and your coach, and the barista who sells you your morning coffee. This guy’s a fucking time bomb, from what I can tell.”

  The last thing in the world I would ever want to do was subject my niece and nephew to anything Guy might come up with. And now that Levi had mentioned them, all sorts of horrible thoughts swarmed my mind. To that point, I’d only been thinking of myself and Levi. There were way too many people Guy might hurt in order to get to me, though: Levi, my mother and sisters, Cam and Sara, Connor and Cassidy. He could even try to hurt Anthony, Ellen, or Jesse.

  I blinked, wishing my pulse would slow down. The blood raced through me so fast, my veins might’ve ended up with whiplash.

  “How the hell can Jonny be aware of all this and not insist on involving the police?” Levi demanded.

  “He doesn’t know.”

  “Didn’t,” Cam cut in from behind us, his voice quiet and seething with fury. “I didn’t know. Now I do.”

  “I…” Words failed me as I looked back and forth between these two furious men. “How long have you been standing there?”

  “Long enough,” Cam clipped off.

  “Why the hell didn’t you tell him?” Levi asked. “I mean, I understand why you didn’t say anything to me. Sort of. We were only friends, or whatever the hell kind of bull you’ve got in your head about the two of us. But he’s your brother. You’re living with him and his kids.”

  Cam came around in front of us, his arms crossed in an intimidating posture that broke my heart. “How much of this is my wife aware of?”

  I shook my head. “Don’t blame Sara. I made her promise—”

  “You made her promise not to say a word about this to me. When your safety was concerned. When my family’s safety is concerned.” His glare was enough to melt my bones. “I do blame her.”

  “No, please don’t,” I begged, blinking back tears. What had I done? The last thing on earth I wanted was for anything to come between my brother and sister-in-law simply because I had acted like an idiot. But that was exactly what appeared to be happening. And it was all my fault. “She was going to tell you.”

  “Oh, was she? When, exactly, was she planning to do this? Not soon enough.” He shook his head in a cloud of disgust and disappointment. “She should have told me as soon as she knew anything. She should have—”

  “Please, Cam. It was only because I begged her not to say a word to you.” I blinked some more, but it was no use. Tears streamed down my cheeks. There were few things in the world that cut me to the core the way my brother’s disappointment did.

  “We’ll go to the police in the morning,” he replied. Not a word about forgiving Sara for doing as I’d asked.

  What a mess I’d caused. My only consolation was in the knowledge that the majority of their anger wasn’t directed at me. There was some, of course. Because I hadn’t trusted my brother enough to tell him. Because I’d ignored the signs Guy had given me for far too long. Because I’d been stupid and hadn’t thought about the very real threat he posed to everyone in my life, assuming he would limit his shenanigans to me. And that they’d merely be his usual tactics, not anything that would truly hurt me, despite the fact that he’d already done precisely that.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, but my voice cracked, coming out as barely more than a whisper. “I should have—” But my throat closed up before anything else would come out.

  “Yes. You should have,” he clipped out. Then he stalked across the waiting room and checked on the three kids, taking a seat beside Elin, who was now dead asleep, even through all the emotion pouring out of us on the other side of the space. Almost as soon as he sat, her head fell over to land on his arm. At once, he turned back to his usual teddy bear self, wrapping an arm around her and drawing her closer the way he used to cradle me when I was a little girl.

  I tried to blink my tears away, but it was no use. All I could do was stare at my hands in my lap and rethink all the things I should have done differently. It went back for years, so I could easily spend weeks going over them all in my mind ad nauseam until I made myself sick with it.

  Levi reached out a hand and brushed a tear from my cheek. “So is this the only reason you wanted space? Because you didn’t want Guy to hurt me?”

  I nodded, swallowing hard in the hope that I could move the massive lump away from my vocal chords.

  “So if I don’t care? If I refuse to let him intimidate me away from you? Then we can keep going as we have been?”

  “I—” My tongue was thick and dry as I looked up to meet Levi’s eyes. “Maybe we should see what the police say first?”

  He shook his head. “I don’t care what the police say. No one’s going to keep me away from you. Not now. I’ll only stay away if you convince me that’s what you want and it has nothing to do with this son of a bitch. And I promise you, I won’t be easy to convince of that. Because I think it’s bullshit.”

  “I’ve never been a good liar,” I said.

  “Good.” The corners of his lips quirked up in a cocky smile. “But Cadence?”

  “Hmm?”

  “I still want more. A lot more.”

  The lump in my throat grew so big I couldn’t take a breath anymore because of the way he was looking at me. Like he wanted to wrap me up in his arms and hold on until I gave in. Like he wanted to take me somewhere private and do things that would make my brother want to kill him. Like he wanted to kiss me.

  And I wanted to let him. I wanted it really, really badly. So much I almost tasted the wanting.

  But Nicky bust into the waiting room, grinning from ear to ear. The slamming doors woke the kids, and he rushed over to their blinking faces. “It’s a girl!”

  I WOKE UP with a splitting headache, the urge to puke up my guts, and the knowledge that there wasn’t a damned thing I’d done to cause Cadence to want to back away. Not only that, but it looked like things might be moving forward again. Soon, at least. Maybe not immediately.

  I looked down at my phone and saw the shitload of text messages from Koz, calling me a pussy-whipped douchebag for wimping out on his party and leaving before it was over. There were a ton of missed calls and voice mails, too, probably all from him. For all I knew, th
e party was still going on, well after eight in the morning. I was way too hung over to deal with him right now.

  Ignoring Koz for the time being, I dropped my phone on the nightstand, dragged myself out of bed, and climbed into the shower to wash off the stench of last night’s excess. By the time I was clean, dressed, and trying to replenish my body with water to ease my hangover, I remembered that Jonny intended to go to the police station with Cadence this morning.

  Should I volunteer to go with them, too? I wasn’t sure. I’d done my best to make it clear to her how I wanted things to go between us, that I wanted us to be more than the friends we’d agreed upon, and sooner rather than later, but did that put me in the go-to-the-cops camp? Might be too big of a jump.

  Even though it ate at me to do so, I decided to let Jonny and Cadence handle this one on their own. I should stay out of it. If the police needed me for anything, I was easy enough to find.

  The team had the day off. Since Koz and most of the single guys were hopefully sleeping last night off, they wouldn’t be up and about any time soon. If I didn’t start moving, I’d probably end up back in bed the whole day, burying my head under the covers to pretend drinking so much last night hadn’t happened.

  It had happened. In a devastated stupor, I’d allowed myself to get more wasted in a single night than I ever had before. No point in trying to hide from it. Besides, while parts of the night were all kinds of fucked up, other very good things had come from it.

  With nothing better striking me, I called for a cab to take me over to my brother’s house. My car was still at Koz’s, and I was fairly sure Ghost still had my keys. I’d talk Jamie into helping me deal with all of that later. Didn’t bother texting or calling first. Even if he had gone to the gym or something else equally responsible, I was sure Katie would be at home. She had turned one of the extra bedrooms into a recording studio, and most days she was in there working on her budding songwriting career.

  The cabbie dropped me off in front of their house. I paid him and got out. Rang the doorbell.