Losing an Edge

by Catherine Gayle

  So that was it. Right? It was over. Done. Whatever I’d thought was brewing between us was no more, and I was back to only being me, the guy who always fucked everything up.

  I started my car and headed out of the parking garage, unsure where I was headed. In no time, I pulled up in the lot in front of Koz’s place.

  Strippers. He’d said there would be strippers. And there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that he’d have plenty of beer.

  Time to get shitfaced.

  CONNOR TACKLED ME when they came through the door after the game, attempting to tickle my ribs. He didn’t have good tickle technique, though, so all he did was dig in with his fingers. At least his nails were trimmed. I laughed anyway and flopped back on the sofa to give him better access as Sara headed straight upstairs with a zonked out Cassidy to put her down for the night.

  Cam crossed through the living room, tossed his bag in the laundry room, and came back to rescue me from his son, lifting the little boy up over his head. “Bedtime,” he said. “You were supposed to fall asleep in the car.”

  Connor giggled in response.

  Cam raised a brow. “Why are you still so wired?”

  “Mommy bought me candy.”

  My brother rolled his eyes at me and groaned, slowly lowering Connor to the floor. As soon as his feet hit the floor, Connor started running in circles around the coffee table.

  “Good game,” I said once I caught my breath.

  “At least we came away with two points. It wasn’t a sure thing,” Cam replied. “I told Nicky I’d come up to the hospital with him to wait. Jessica’s in labor. Want to come?”

  “I do,” Connor said. He stopped running, grabbed my hand, and tugged to pull me up from my prone position. “Let’s go, CayCay.”

  “Not you. You’re going to bed,” his father said, then turned back to me. “Come with me. Keep me company. We need to talk.”

  There wasn’t a question in what he’d said this time around, even though he’d originally worded it as an invitation. It came out more like an order. Cam never tried to boss me around. That meant it was serious, whatever it was. Had Sara told him? Or had Levi said something after reading the note I’d sent with Sara?

  My pulse slowed to a crawl.

  Hanging out in a hospital waiting room wasn’t exactly how I’d envisioned the rest of my night, but I didn’t see that I had much choice. “All right,” I said, hoping my wariness didn’t come out in my voice. “Let me go grab a sweater.”

  Cam grunted and carried Connor upstairs to turn him over to Sara. I followed them and slipped into my room, closing the door and leaning against it. I needed a moment to settle my nerves. It wasn’t any use, though. The more I tried to calm down, the more heightened my anxiety grew. After a moment, I took a sweater out of the closet and headed back out, only to bump into Sara.

  She grabbed hold of my biceps to steady me and looked me over a few times, a slight scowl marring her otherwise movie-star perfect features. “You’re pale.”

  “Did you say something to him?” I hissed. “You promised.”

  She shook her head. “Not yet, but I was seriously thinking about it.”

  “Levi, then?”

  “Doubt it. He took off after I gave him your note. A bunch of the guys are going to Koz’s place tonight. I’m sure that’s where he is.”

  “Then what is this about?” I waved my arm in the direction of my brother and the living room, in case she wasn’t clear.

  “Cadence?” Cam called up the stairs before she answered. “You ready?”

  Sara pulled me in for a brief, tight hug, then nudged me on my way. “Go. I don’t know any more than you do, and there’s no better way to find out what he wants than to let him get to the point.”

  “Fat lot of help you are,” I muttered.

  “It’s always better to come straight out with the truth, you know. Even if it hurts.”

  “I can’t.” I blinked hard to show the tears threatening to fall who was boss as I headed down the stairs with my sweater draped over one arm. And it was the truth, as far as I could tell. There were some things in life that I simply wasn’t capable of doing, and telling my brother any of this beyond what he’d already discerned on his own was definitely one of them.

  Sara did have a point, though. Maybe I would have to find a way to come clean with some of it. But how much? I wasn’t sure.

  Cam winked when I reached him. His attempt to put me at ease didn’t do a darn thing to calm my nerves. He already had my coat and purse out of the closet, and he held them out for me before opening the door and heading down to his truck. I quickly donned my coat and hurried after him.

  “Confession” by Florida Georgia Line poured through the speakers when I climbed in.

  He backed out of the driveway without saying anything. I glanced over at him, watching the street lights flicker over his face as I tried to figure out how much he’d caught on to and what I should force myself to tell him.

  “So you’ve been here almost a month now, and we’ve hardly talked,” he said, his tone conversational. “Things going all right?”

  “Going great.” However casual it was starting, this conversation wasn’t going to be so light and breezy for long. I had no doubt about that. “I think I’ve spent more time with Sara and the kids than with you.”

  “Part of the deal, playing in the NHL. My time’s not my own. You’ve been busy, too.” He cocked his head in my direction for a moment, just long enough for me to catch the wary expression drawing his brows together. “You and Sara getting along all right?”

  “We always have. You know I adore her.”

  His chuckle was loaded with sarcasm. “I do. I’m aware you’re nuts about her mainly because I love her. I think you’re stretching things to say you’ve always gotten along, though.”

  “It’s not like we ever argued.”

  “Argued? No. Only because she bites her tongue all the time. You drive her up the wall. At least most of the time. The two of you are as opposite as it’s possible for two people to be. I know she loves you even though you can be trying for her—for the same reason. You’re my sister, and she loves me, so she’s determined to put up with all your antics that drive her berserk. But you haven’t been. Not since you arrived.”

  “What do you mean by that?”

  He shrugged. “You’re always so bubbly and energetic and over-the-top happy. She’d been bracing herself for your arrival. But you’re as docile as ever.”

  “Maybe it’s only that Connor’s being wilder than usual, so she doesn’t notice me as much.” But I hadn’t been myself lately. Cam was right, whether I wanted to admit it or not. If anything, I’d been practically morose, for me. Sara definitely hadn’t seemed as annoyed by me as she typically did, but then again, we’d been distracted by everything I’d told her about Guy. Our relationship was evolving from where it had started, back when she and Cam had first gotten together. Now we were much more equal than ever before. On level footing. I was no longer the obnoxious seventeen-year-old kid sister.

  Cam didn’t even bother rebutting my suggestion. I hadn’t fooled him at all, apparently. My heart sunk.

  “Everything okay with Anthony?”

  “Everything’s great with Anthony. Better than expected.” I tried to force the usual lightness into my voice and not let on how unsettling today’s practice had been. It hadn’t had a darned thing to do with Anthony, after all. My brother wasn’t often able to tell when I was putting on a show for his benefit, thank goodness. “Why shouldn’t it be?”

  “Because you and Sara were both acting funny when I got home this afternoon, and the only thing I thought of that was different was you’d had practice this morning. I wondered if anything had happened to upset you. And because you faked being too tired to come to the game tonight.”

  “I was tired. I am tired.”

  “I bet. It’s hard work, lying all the time.”

  My breath all left me in a flood. “What do you mean?”


  Cam came to a stop at a red light. “Only that I’m aware you and Sara are keeping something from me. I’ve always been able to see straight through you, and I can’t always tell what Sara is holding back, but I do realize when she’s trying to keep me in the dark.”

  “See straight through me?” I fiddled with the buttons on my coat.

  “Yeah. You’ve never fooled any of us. Not me, not Mom, not Corinne or Chloe. Yes, you’re as happy as a clam a lot of the time, but we know there’s a lot more to you than simply that. We know you use your smiles and personality to hide when you’re hurt.”

  “I’m not hurt.”

  “Bullshit.” The light changed, and he eased into the intersection. “Maybe you don’t realize you do it, but you turn it on too much when you want people to think everything’s fine. Try to shine too bright. You’ve been doing it for months. Since you cut things off with Guy, according to Mom. When you were injured.”

  “I just didn’t want anyone to worry too much about my ankle. It wasn’t like it was a serious enough injury to end my career or anything. No reason to let everyone get all worked up.”

  “And stop it with trying to convince us your ankle was the problem, all right?”

  I chewed on my lower lip. How much had they figured out? Corinne wouldn’t have dug into my medical records, would she? That was unethical. And illegal. My doctors couldn’t tell her anything without my permission.

  “If you don’t think it was my ankle, what do you think it was?”

  Sooner than expected, he was turning the truck into the parking lot at the hospital. He found a space near the Women’s Center and came to a stop before speaking again. “I wish you’d tell me what it was. All I know is I think it has a lot more to do with what’s going on inside you than with anything physical.”

  There wasn’t a thing to say to that. If I even bothered trying to respond, he was bound to hear the truth, no matter what words I tried to feed him. I stared down at my hands in my lap.

  “So I’m right,” he said after a moment.

  I shrugged.

  “Is it helping to have Sara around to talk to? Is that why you wanted to come here?”

  “I came because I wanted to skate with Anthony.”

  “Mm hmm.” Cam turned off the engine and put his keys in his pocket. “So is 501 your rebound, then? You’re with him so you can land on your feet after having your heart broken?”

  “Guy didn’t break my heart.” More like my soul. “And I’m not with Levi, anyway. I told him I needed some space.”

  “Why’d you do that? I finally came to terms with the idea, and you give him the heave-ho?”

  “I’m not ready,” I said, evading reality. Because the reason I’d pushed Levi away had very little to do with me and even less to do with Levi. It had everything to do with Guy.

  Cam stared at me the way he always had, where it felt like he was trying to see through all my smiles and laughter to reach what lay underneath. “I think you are ready,” he said after a near-painful moment. “I think the problem is you’re scared.”

  He had no idea just how right he was.

  NICKY HAD SPENT the entire time we were at the hospital in the room with his wife, so there wasn’t any true reason for Cam to be here. His niece and nephews—he and Jessica were their guardians now—were too young to stay at home alone all night, but at the same time too old to need much supervision. Still, we kept an eye on the three of them. Elin, the oldest, kept her two younger brothers in check without our help.

  By two in the morning, the boys were dropping off, dozing in their seats in the waiting room. Elin occasionally got up to go visit her aunt and uncle, giving us status updates when she came back. More often, she had her nose right up against her phone, texting like crazy.

  “Who do you think she’s talking to this late?” I asked Cam, dropping my voice so she wouldn’t hear me from across the way.

  “She’s fourteen. I bet all her friends are up right now, whether school is happening tomorrow or not.” He laughed, slipping his phone out of his pocket to check for messages. “Soupy’s oldest is her best friend. Those two are almost inseparable. That’d be my guess.” He scrolled through a few screens before settling on something and pausing to read. “Sounds like Koz’s party was something else.”

  I yawned, stretching my arms overhead. These waiting room chairs were murder on my butt. “You wish you were there instead of here?”

  “Sara would kill me if I was there, based on the pictures I’m seeing.”

  I raised a brow and stifled a laugh.

  “Don’t say a word,” he grumbled, shoving his phone back in his pocket.

  I drew my fingers across my lips, then tossed the pretend key over my shoulder. “Who sent you pictures, anyway? Is someone trying to land you in trouble with your wife?”

  “Doubtful. They’re just being guys.”

  His phone buzzed again, but he ignored it.

  “You don’t want to see more?”

  “Not particularly.”

  “Liar.”

  “Look who’s talking,” he shot back.

  Better not to go back there, since I’d gotten him to drop the subject when we’d arrived at the hospital. I bit down on my tongue to keep from putting my foot in my mouth. “What if it’s someone else? Could be Nicky,” I pointed out.

  Cam scowled and dug out his phone, glaring at me. Apparently someone was calling, not texting. He swiped his thumb across the screen and answered it. “What?” he demanded. I couldn’t hear the person on the other end well enough to make out what they were saying, let alone determine who it was. A couple of moments passed with Cam listening. “What the hell did you do?” He glanced over at me and shook his head, his expression not giving a darned thing away to me. “I’m at the hospital with Nicky and Jessica. The kids are here. I can’t go off and leave them in the waiting room.” Then silence again. “Because they’re fucking kids, Harry. Try 501 or one of the other guys at Koz’s party.” A couple more beats passed by, and Cam got up to pace. “Well, what do you want me to do? I can’t make those guys sober up in the next five minutes. I can’t wake Babs or someone else up if you can’t.”

  I found myself leaning forward in my seat to hear him as he walked, trying to figure out what sort of trouble Harry had gotten himself into.

  “Call Bergy or Webs. That’s what you should do.” He walked back in my direction, not paying any attention at all to me. “Because if you’re in jail, you’ve got to have someone bail you out. And they’re going to find out eventually. Might as well let them know what the hell’s going on now so you don’t surprise them with it. Maybe they can start figuring out how to deal with the media…” His voice trailed off as he stalked down the hall.

  Jail? Admittedly, the only things I knew about Harry were that he was one of Cam’s teammates and his hair was as red as could be, but I never would have pegged him as one who’d do anything to land himself in jail. What on earth was going on?

  I didn’t have long to wonder because as soon as my brother disappeared down the hall, Levi came walking in, filling the space Cam had vacated only moments ago. He was staring down at his phone, not paying attention to where he was going until he practically tripped over my feet, crossed at the ankles.

  “Sorry, wasn’t paying attention to where I was going,” he said, slurring the words slightly and glancing up from his phone. Then his eyes met mine. He reeked of beer, but he smiled at me, sweet and cocky all at once. That combination only lasted a few moments, soon dissipating into a pained grimace. “Cadence,” he breathed. “Why are you at the hospital? Are you okay?” He felt my forehead with the back of the hand holding his phone, as if checking me for fever, of all the ridiculous things he could have done.

  “I’m fine. Better than you are,” I teased.

  He raised a brow, like he doubted me, but that slight change in his position was all it took to make him sway where he stood. He had to be as drunk as I’d ever seen a person.
r />   I reached up a hand to grab hold of his arm and steady him. “Maybe you should sit down.”

  “Maybe I should.” So he did. Not very gracefully. He plopped down into the seat next to me so hard it nearly skittered backward across the floor. If it had been against a wall, he might have caused some damage from the force. “I’m a bit drunk.”

  “More than a bit, I’d say. Please tell me you didn’t drive here.” I had the awful sense that my note was behind it, too.

  He shook his head. “Ghost has all the guys’ keys. Took a cab.”

  That was a relief. “So why are you here?” Never mind the fact that he’d asked me the same thing and I hadn’t answered. As drunk as he was, I doubted he could remember his own name for long, let alone anything more pressing.

  “Because there aren’t enough beers or strippers in the world to wipe your face from my mind.”

  Ouch. So I was the reason for it. Not a good feeling, even if I nearly cracked up at the way he’d said it. I bit down on my lower lip, trying hard not to burst a gut while laughing at the ridiculous honesty of that statement. Still, the pain behind it was evident, not only in how insanely wasted Levi was but in the lines around his mouth and eyes. That sobered me up quickly enough, even if it didn’t come close to helping him sober up.

  “Thought I’d keep Nicky company,” he slurred. “Koz wanted to keep throwing strippers my way, having them give me lap dances and shit, so I’d stop being so depressed about you. But I don’t want them. I want you. I want you way too fucking much, but you don’t want me.”

  I blinked a few times, not sure if I was trying to fight off tears or if I was simply stunned by what I was about to do. “I do want you,” I said before I spent too much time analyzing it. “That’s the problem.”

  His head whipped around to stare at me with bloodshot eyes. “Why’s it a problem?”

  “Because I’m scared.” There wasn’t any point hiding the truth. Levi was so drunk, there was no chance he’d remember a single word I said. I could tell him everything without fear that any of it would sink in.