Losing an Edge

by Catherine Gayle

  Guy turned and left, but his veiled threats wouldn’t go with him. They hung in the air, surrounding me. Suffocating me. I might not be his partner, his girlfriend anymore…but he still owned a piece of my mind.

  Would I ever be free of him, once and for all?

  “You okay?” Anthony asked. His voice calmed me down almost as much as the solidness of his body behind me.

  I nodded. Blinking to keep myself from crying.

  “Because you don’t seem okay. What was he doing here?”

  I shook my head. The last thing I needed now was for everyone else in my life to start freaking out about Guy. I was doing enough of that on my own for all of us. “He only wanted to stop by since he was in town,” I forced through my teeth, tasting bile as the words left me. Because it was a lie.

  I’d never been one to lie before—except where Guy was involved. But that appeared to be all I could do when it came to him.

  “YOU LOOK LIKE somebody just ran over your dog,” Sara said. “But you don’t have a dog. What gives?” We were at the mall to go shoe shopping, along with both kids. She had Cassidy in her stroller, and Connor was running up ahead, but only as far as his leash would allow. Yes, she had her kid on a leash. Sadly, I understood all too well why such a thing was necessary. She took a moment to adjust his leash to prevent him from running quite so far ahead.

  I couldn’t explain why she thought she needed more shoes. She had an entire closet full of them. In fact, I was pretty sure that about half of the money Cam had left after helping me out all the time went toward buying Sara new shoes. Still, at least going shoe shopping together was a way for me to forget about the fact that Guy had showed up at practice today.

  Or I was trying to. But Sara was digging, and she was the one person here in Portland, other than my counselor, who knew anything about what had happened with him.

  “It’s nothing,” I said.

  “I may not be the sharpest cheese in the fridge, but I’m not stupid. It’s not nothing.”

  “Well, you tell me. What do you think it is?”

  “Did Levi try to pull something?” She shook her head as soon as the words were out. “No, not his style. He’s still trying to win you over. Anthony? Did something happen in practice that reminded you of Guy?”

  I didn’t say anything. I only bit down on my tongue.

  “That’s it. What’d that fucker do?”

  “Mommy! You said fuck!” Connor screeched so loud it echoed through the entire mall.

  “How did you even hear that?” I asked, laughing. He was easily a good five feet ahead of us, and it was jam-packed in the mall, people everywhere, music playing over the speakers.

  “He has selective hearing,” Sara said, drawing in his leash and giving halfhearted apologetic looks to everyone walking by with scandalized expressions. “Don’t you remember the rule?” she said to Connor once he was inches away. “Just because Mommy says something, that doesn’t mean you’re allowed to repeat it.”

  “I’m telling Daddy on you,” Connor said in a taunting voice.

  “Well, goody goody. I’m telling him on you, too. And you can bet he’ll probably spank you this time.”

  Connor grinned. “If he spanks me, he’ll spank you.”

  “I’d like to see him try,” Sara muttered under her breath to me. But there was a hint of a blush on her cheeks. Sara didn’t ever blush. Never. I was pretty sure I’d just picked up on something about her and my brother that I’d prefer not to know.

  Mind bleach. I needed mind bleach.

  Then as quickly as the blush had come, it was gone, and she waved Connor ahead. “Go. Run. Burn off some of that energy.”

  He took off again, but with the shortened leash, he could only run wide circles in front of us.

  I couldn’t help grinning at her. “You do realize you act more like he’s an annoying little brother than your son, right?”

  “I keep waiting for him to grow out of this phase.”

  “Something tells me that won’t happen any time soon.”

  “Something tells me you’re trying to change the subject,” she said. She gave me a side-eyed glance. “So are we taking body parts to feed to the alligators in Florida?”

  I shrugged. “Not Anthony’s.”

  “Levi?”

  “No.”

  “Cadence Johnson, you’d better fucking tell me what the hell’s going on, or I’m going to feed your body parts to the alligators.”

  This time, Connor turned to look, but he stared with wide eyes. Sara’s tone had changed. At least he recognized that much. He might just make it to five years old, after all.

  I smiled, hoping it would help calm him down so he’d think everything was okay. Once he started running circles again, I said, “Guy showed up at practice today.”

  “He what? He’s in Portland? Oh, you just wait until I get—”

  “Calm down so you don’t scare the kids.”

  “Cadence, this isn’t a calm down sort of moment.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “Well, let’s think about this for a moment, hmm?” She kept her voice down this time, but the intensity was still ramped up. “What was he doing here? After he fucking dropped you, after he made you have a fucking miscarriage, what the fuck does he think he’s doing here?”

  I shook my head, trying to defuse her. Instead of coming home, I should have gone straight to Wendy’s office and begged for a quick session. Something. Anything but let Sara see how much Guy’s drop-in had upset me. But I hadn’t, and now she was flying off the deep end. If I didn’t calm her down and convince her I was fine, there was no telling what she might do. Like tell Cam.

  “I don’t honestly know what he wants,” I said. “I mean, he was talking like he couldn’t live without me. Stuff like that.”

  “He’s going to have to live without you. I’m not letting that son of a bitch anywhere close to you.” She stopped short, causing Connor to jerk against the end of his leash and stumble back a few steps until he landed on his butt. He laughed maniacally, but he didn’t seem hurt at all. Sara stared into my eyes, hers a little wild. “What did Anthony do? And your coach?”

  “Ellen was already working with her next class. Anthony stayed close.”

  “How close?”

  “Close enough.”

  “Hmph.” She started walking again, though. “Do you think Guy’s leaving now? Is he done fucking with you, or will he come back?”

  I shrugged. “No idea.” Only that was a lie, just like everything I’d said to Anthony about what Guy wanted was a lie. There was one thing I understood without a doubt about Guy, and it was that he never gave up easily. If dissuading him were possible, he never would have shown up in Portland. He would have been out of my life as soon as I’d informed him I was done with him.

  But that hadn’t happened. There’d been weeks of phone calls, text messages, emails, notes left on the front door of my house or under the wiper blade of my car. He’d come by and pounded on the door, demanding that I let him in so we could talk. After a while, he’d let it drop, only to pick up with the obsessiveness again after a month of silence. That had repeated time and again until I’d left. Until I’d come to Portland.

  And now he was here.

  I had a very good idea about what Guy wanted and whether he would leave now. Once again, I felt myself being pulled under by a powerful tide, and I didn’t understand how to free myself from it.

  Sara scowled. “Other than trying to get you back, did he say anything?”

  I shrugged. Again. It was my go-to defense mechanism. I had always done that around Guy, because he never wanted me to answer him. He only wanted to act like he’d asked for my opinion, like he was taking my feelings into consideration.

  “Nothing?” she demanded.

  “He knows about Levi,” I said quietly. I wasn’t certain why I’d said anything at all.

  “Bet he can’t stand knowing you’ve got a good man in your life.”


  “It’s not like that with Levi,” I argued. Too quickly. Even I heard the defensiveness in my response.

  “You don’t think he’ll do anything there, do you?”

  I shook my head. It was only me Guy would hurt. Wasn’t it? But I’d never thought he would actually hurt me until the day he’d dropped me so I would miscarry. And it was all because, when he’d suggested I should have an abortion, I’d told him I needed time to think about it first. I hadn’t wanted to run off the same day and have the procedure done. I’d needed to figure out how I felt about it, but Guy hadn’t allowed me that. If he’d been able to so casually hurt me physically, what else was he capable of, given the right circumstances? I honestly wasn’t sure anymore.

  “We should tell the police,” Sara said.

  “Tell them what? That my ex-partner came to my practice and asked me to come back to him?”

  “More like that your ex-partner who has fucking abused you before came to your practice because he’s fucking stalking you,” she said.

  “You’re seriously exaggerating what is going on here.” Wasn’t she? She had to be. Or was I actually trying to convince myself of that, but really, she was right?

  Days like this, I couldn’t decide if I would rather be an adult or a kid. Adults had to actually deal with things like this, but kids had to be told what to do.

  Which was better now?

  “I want to tell Cam,” Sara said as she turned Cassidy’s stroller into the first shoe store she came across. “Run it all by him and see if he thinks I’m exaggerating.”

  “No! You promised.”

  “I did,” she said, dropping her voice well below her usual level. “But I think there are things you’re not being entirely truthful about.”

  “I’ve told you the truth.” I simply hadn’t told her everything.

  “Hmm,” she said. Scowling. “You’re killing me, Cadence. I’m worried about you. I appreciate that you’re seeing a counselor and all, but I’m worried.”

  “But you won’t tell him, will you?”

  “I need to think about it.”

  There wasn’t much to do but accept that and move on. And in the meantime, I needed to sort out what I should do about Levi.

  “YOU’RE COMING TO my fucking birthday party whether you like it or not, numbnuts.” Koz tugged on his tie, always uncomfortable wearing anything more elaborate than sweats, and looked down the concourse toward the exit for the parking garage. Then he glared at me as if daring me to contradict him.

  We’d just finished beating the Habs in a shootout—Jamie had scored the game winner—and my feet were ready to move toward the escalator leading up to the owner’s box, taking the rest of me along with them whether that was what I intended to do or not. I didn’t exactly have plans with Cadence for tonight, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t make them with her. Did it? But then again, we weren’t dating. We were friends. That was all. And friends shouldn’t simply assume that the other friend would go along with anything and everything on the spur of the moment.

  I shoved my hands in my pockets. “But it’s a Saturday night.” My complaint was feeble and I knew it.

  “And you don’t have a fucking date or anywhere more important to be than my birthday party, so don’t pretend you do.”

  It was true. Cadence still hadn’t given in and agreed to take our friendship to the next level, but that didn’t stop me from wanting to see her tonight. If I dropped by the owner’s box to see her… Maybe she’d give in tonight. If I didn’t try, I’d never know.

  Nicky streaked past us, bumping into Koz as he went. “Sorry. Jessica’s in labor!”

  “Go,” Koz shouted after him, actually grinning for once.

  “Your birthday isn’t even until tomorrow,” I argued once Nicky was gone.

  “My birthday starts in exactly forty-seven minutes. Clock’s ticking. Maybe Nicky’s kid will be lucky enough to share my birthday. But if you aren’t at my place when the clock strikes midnight and we start celebrating, I will kick your ass from here to eternity.”

  Harry came out into the concourse this time, heading for the garage wearing one of his ridiculous bowties. No guy in the league but Harry could get away with wearing a damn bowtie all the time. Fucking ginger. No soul. If he had one, there was no chance bowties would work on him. Tonight, he even had on a vest as part of his suit.

  Still, he’d been my defense partner for the last couple of weeks, and we were working well together after my first big blunder. Whether the guy had a soul or not, at least he and I were making a good team. Hell, he’d even scored tonight’s game-tying goal off a one-timer from my pass.

  Koz caught sight of Harry’s bright red hair flashing in the lights and yelled at him across the empty space. “My place. You’re coming, right? All the single guys are supposed to be there. Party of the year.”

  “I have plans already, Koz. Can’t do it.”

  “Do your plans involve strippers? Because mine do.”

  Harry laughed. “Strippers don’t come close to what I’ve got planned. Not gonna happen this time. I’ll buy your dinner tomorrow to make up for it.” With that, he disappeared down the corridor.

  Better than strippers, huh? Did Harry actually have plans—and if so, did they involve Dani Weber, who was still in town—or was he simply uninterested in one of Koz’s crazy parties? Harry always seemed so straight-laced, but sometimes he threw me for a loop with something that seemed completely out of character. Like flirting with Dani that night. Out of all the guys on the team, he might be the most private.

  “What the fuck is he trying to pull off, thinking anything’s better than strippers?”

  I could think of a lot of things that were better than strippers. Like a night with Cadence. Hell, even if Jonny and Sara went out for a night without the kids and we spent the whole time babysitting Connor and Cassidy, and Connor jumped up and down on my balls, that’d be a lot better than strippers. But I didn’t expect Koz to understand that. He lived in a world that was all his own. The rest of us could drop in and look around sometimes, but rarely did any of it make any sense to anyone but him.

  I also knew without a shadow of a doubt that if I didn’t show up at Koz’s party, he’d hold a grudge the size of Mount Hood. I was his road roommate. His best friend on the team. One of the only guys who managed to put up with his shit on a regular basis.

  So I headed back inside and up to the owner’s box to make my excuses to Cadence. Only she wasn’t there.

  Sara saw me and headed over almost immediately, digging around in her purse for something. She handed me the folded piece of paper when she got it free from her bag. “She asked me to give you this.”

  “Thanks.” I folded it over one more time and slipped it into my pocket. Whatever it said, I got the sense I should read it alone. “Is she all right?” Every single home game we’d had since her arrival in Portland, Cadence had been there. She hadn’t told me she had anything else going on. Granted, she didn’t owe me any explanations. We were still nothing more than friends, however much I might want us to be more. There was no reason she had to tell me anything at all. It was entirely possible she even wanted to stop being my friend. Something squeezed my chest at the thought, but there wasn’t a hell of a lot to be done about it. She might never change her mind and give me the opportunity I wanted. Then where was I? All alone, same as always.

  “She’s fine,” Sara said. But her eyes told me a different story.

  “Did I fuck things up somehow? What did I do?” It had to be something I’d done. My brain couldn’t process any other explanation for the worry in Sara’s eyes.

  She shook her head. “It wasn’t you.”

  But the fact that she’d said it wasn’t me meant I hadn’t imagined things, and there was something wrong. But who had done something to hurt her?

  Jonny? No, that couldn’t be it. As far as Cadence was concerned, her older brother had practically hung the moon.

  Maybe something was going on with t
heir mother, though, or one of their sisters? But if there was a family emergency of some sort, Jonny would be aware of it, and he would have gone home to deal with it along with her. That couldn’t be the problem.

  Possibly there were issues with Anthony. But why wouldn’t she be here, with her family, if she was struggling with something related to her new partner? And based on the way the guy had acted around her the day we’d gone to ChocolateFest, I couldn’t dream that he’d ever do anything to hurt her. If anything, he was as protective of her as Jonny was.

  None of the scenarios that came to mind made any sense at all, and Sara didn’t seem inclined to fill me in. I thanked her for passing on Cadence’s note and headed down to my car to read it.

  Levi,

  I’m truly sorry to do it like this, but I think I need some space. Please don’t come around anymore. I don’t want to hurt you, but I never should have let things go this far.

  I’m so sorry. Please, if you can, try to forgive me.

  Cadence

  No real explanation at all. Just a fucking Dear John letter. She couldn’t even bother to call me, let alone tell me to my face. I had to remind myself again that she didn’t owe me anything, not even the courtesy of telling me to my face that she wanted to break off the bit of friendship that we had.

  It still hurt like a motherfucker, though.

  For a moment, I thought about calling her. But if she’d wanted to talk to me, she could have called. I thought about driving over to Jonny’s house and trying to catch her there before Jonny and Sara got home with the kids. But, again, she could have come to the Moda Center tonight if she’d wanted to see me. Instead, she’d chosen to send a terse note with Sara and have that be the end of it.