The Bootlegger Blues
Page 3
MARIANNE:
I went for a drive.
DAVID:
But I had the car.
MARIANNE:
(Dreamily) Other people drive cars too, you know. Cars with balls, that still have a speedometer in miles, and seats that go down.
DAVID:
Do these people have names?
MARIANNE:
A friend named Noble.
DAVID:
Noble?! What kind of name is Noble?
MARIANNE:
He told me it's short for Noble Savage.
DAVID:
Noble Savage! How amusing. It's time to go home now, Marianne. I've invited the band manager over for dinner to better explain your problem with machines.
MARIANNE:
Maybe I don't wanna go home.
DAVID:
(Wearily) Now Marianne …
MARIANNE:
Maybe I want to spend some time with my little brother.
She grabs and hugs Andrew, almost smothering and crushing him.
MARIANNE:
Maybe I want to stay here with my family, people I love and respect.
DAVID:
No, Marianne!
MARIANNE:
Yes, David. Read my lips. Yes meaning I'm not going home with you, but yes I'm staying here. Try and move me.
She glares defiantly into David's eyes.
DAVID:
You want to stay here? Fine, then stay here. Maybe I should cook anyways. The band manager is allergic to Klik.
David slams his fist on the table as he leaves. He is halfway across the floor before he stops.
DAVID:
Sorry about hitting your table, Martha.
MARTHA:
No problem, David.
David leaves.
MARTHA:
What in God's great mercy is the matter with you two?
MARIANNE:
Oh it's David. He's going through one of his jerk phases. It happens occasionally. Women have periods, men have jerk phases.
ANDREW:
I hope this car ride of yours was worth it.
MARIANNE:
It was like reliving a dream. A girl's allowed to dream, isn't she, Mom?
MARTHA:
Oh don't be silly, I haven't dreamed in 40 years, and I'm just jim dandy.
ANDREW:
Who's Jim Dandy?
MARTHA :
And don't start up with me either, I've got too many things on my mind right now to bother with you two.
ANDREW:
Problems, Mom?
MARTHA:
Now don't you worry about that. You just go settle down and get used to your home again.
ANDREW:
Okay, you're the boss.
He starts moving toward his room.
MARIANNE:
Maybe me and Blue can help?
MARTHA:
I'll figure this out myself.
As Andrew approaches his room, atmosphere music slowly comes up. It should have the same feel as "Chariots Of Fire" or "2001: A Space Odyssey." The room is suddenly flooded with light revealing an awesome sight to Andrew. An entire wall of his bedroom is covered with 143 cases of beer, stacked in neat rows. He shakes his head to clear it and looks again. He runs to it in slow motion. He reaches out gingerly and touches one of the cases to see if it's really there. He looks to the heavens.
ANDREW:
Thank you! They're all here, all of them.
Andrew shakes a case of Canadian, creating the telltale sound of bottles rattling.
ANDREW:
The national anthem!!
He reaches out to grab one when he hears his mother's voice.
MARTHA:
Blue! Don't you dare touch that beer. Your room is the only place I could find to store it. It belongs to the committee.
Crestfallen, Andrew looks back upwards.
ANDREW:
(Disgusted) Thanks. I'll never be able to sleep.
Back in the kitchen, Marianne sits down beside Martha.
MARIANNE:
So that's where you put it. I told you if you wanted you could store the stuff at my place.
MARTHA:
Iizan-gonaa! [As if!]
Andrew walks in, looking stunned.
MARTHA:
Blue, are you all right?
ANDREW:
There must be over 100 cases of beer in there.
MARTHA:
One hundred and forty-three to be exact. (She bursts into tears) And it's all that crazy old Marjorie's fault. I bet she did this all so she could become president of the committee. They're gonna burn me at the stake and Marjorie will be buying the gasoline.
MARIANNE:
How much have you sold already?
MARTHA:
Twenty-two.
MARIANNE:
(Shocked) Only 22 cases?!
MARTHA:
Twenty-two bottles! (She starts crying again) Not even a full case. And every last one of them was bought by Crazy Fiddler, bless his beer-soaked little heart. I'm doomed, doomed.
MARIANNE:
Well, what do you think we should do?
ANDREW:
Get our skates.
MARIANNE:
What?
ANDREW:
Hell has got to be freezing over.
SCENE 7
It's nighttime and David is jogging with a walkman. He stops to rest. Suddenly Noble appears from behind.
NOBLE:
Yo, bro. (David doesn't hear) Yo, bro.
He leans over and taps David on the shoulder.
DAVID:
Ahhhhh!
NOBLE:
Sorry about the scare, guy. You got a light?
DAVID:
Hardly.
NOBLE:
Too bad. Nice outfit. Where'd you get it? Goofs-Are-Us? Christ, I'd be running too if I wore an outfit like that on my reserve.
DAVID:
It's a jogging outfit.
NOBLE:
It's a goof outfit. Hey man, sorry, I didn't mean to make fun of your outfit. Actually I did but sorry anyways.
DAVID:
What are you doing here? I thought the powwow was over.
NOBLE:
The pow's gone so now we're trying for the wow. There's a party down by the camping area. You wanna come to the party? Goof suit and all.
DAVID:
No thank you, but perhaps you can help me. Would you happen to know a gentleman by the name of Noble?
Noble is startled but defensive.
NOBLE:
Nope, never met the man. But whatever he did, I'm sure it was an accident. Gotta be going. Bye.
DAVID:
Wait a minute. (Pause) You look like a Noble Savage.
NOBLE:
Why, thank you. I think.
DAVID:
Yeah, you look like the scraggly type she used to hang around with a long time ago. You're this Noble guy, aren't you?
NOBLE:
She? What she?
DAVID:
Marianne.
NOBLE:
You're David? (Looks David up and down) She was right.
DAVID:
What did you and Marianne do this afternoon?
NOBLE:
Talk about déjà vu.
DAVID:
Talk about Marianne.
NOBLE:
No.
They stare at each other, a Mexican standoff.
SCENE 8
Marianne and Andrew are sitting in his bedroom. It's nighttime. They are sitting on the bed staring longingly at the beer.
ANDREW/MARIANNE:
(Singing) A hundred forty-three cases of beer on the wall, a hundred forty-three cases of beer …
MARIANNE:
(Singing) You take one down, you pass it around …
ANDREW:
Don't even think it!!
MARIANNE:
Come on, Blue. There are 143 cases here, she won't miss one.
<
br /> ANDREW:
No! I will not be involved in any of your little schemes. You used to always get me in trouble when we were kids. I'm still in the record books as the youngest child ever to be fined by the police. You're 10 years older than me, you should know better.
MARIANNE:
It was just a suggestion.
ANDREW:
Besides, Mom told me she took a polaroid of this wall, she knows where every beer is.
MARIANNE:
She doesn't trust us?
ANDREW:
Marianne, when you were 17 you tried to sell our house for prom money, remember?
MARIANNE:
That was a long time ago.
ANDREW:
And you didn't even have a date.
MARIANNE:
Okay, okay, I get the point.
There's a gentle knocking on the door. It's Martha.
ANDREW:
Mom, you still up?
Martha enters in her nightgown and cap, looking very matronly. She appears worried and sits down. Now all three are looking at the beer.
MARTHA:
I can't sleep. This beer is keeping me up.
MARIANNE:
That's funny. It usually puts me to sleep.
MARTHA:
I've tried to lead a good life, really I have. And this is my thanks. Maybe I should just pack up and move to one of them far-off places like Tahiti.
ANDREW:
Mom, you wouldn't like it down there. No bingo. And I think they're all Protestant.
MARTHA:
Never mind. But I have to do something.
ANDREW:
Why don't you just take the beer back? You have a permit, don't you?
MARTHA:
Of course I have a permit. I'm a law-abiding citizen. That Marjorie filled it out for me. She and that smart-as-a-dead chicken son of hers picked up the beer too. That's where it all started. The two of them took all the stickers off the cases. There's such a thing as being too neat.
ANDREW:
Stickers?
MARIANNE:
Little yellow stickers you need on the case to take it back. No sticker, no returned money.
MARTHA:
I don't believe that woman had the patience to pick off 143 stickers cause they didn't look right. That woman boggles my mind.
ANDREW:
Hey Marianne, how about this? Why don't you bootleg it, Mom?
MARTHA:
What?
MARIANNE:
(Laughing) What an idea! Yeah Mom, you could make all your money back for sure and a bit of profit. All the other bootleggers are probably dry after this weekend anyways.
MARTHA:
Bootlegging?
Andrew and Marianne are having a great time joking, but Martha has a serious look on her face. Suddenly there's a knock that turns into pounding at the front door.
MARTHA:
Who could that be at this hour?
MARIANNE:
I'll get it.
ANDREW:
Mom, we'd have to get you a pager like Old Man Johnson.
MARIANNE:
(As she's leaving) And an answering machine.
ANDREW:
For sure. Just think, Mom, you could have all that beer gone, a fortune in money, and the committee will love you. Mom! Bootlegging!
They both laugh, Marianne from the kitchen. The pounding gets louder, annoying Marianne.
MARIANNE:
Hold your horses or I'll shove them down your throat.
Andrew is still chuckling to himself, unaware of Martha's deep thought.
MARTHA:
Hmmm, bootlegging.
Marianne opens the door to find Noble, completely drunk.
MARIANNE:
Noble? What are you doing here? Do you know what time it is?
NOBLE:
(Smiling) Goof alert. Goof alert.
He falls forward, passed out, onto the floor. The lights go down.
END OF ACT I
ACT II
SCENE 1
Angie is standing in Martha's kitchen. It is early morning and she has a cup of coffee in her hand. The noise of hammering can be heard coming from just outside the house. Off in the corner is a guitar case. On the table is an open bag of potato chips.
ANGIE:
So beautiful out there, (Looks toward Andrew's bedroom) so beautiful in there. So close, yet so far.
Marianne's booming voice can suddenly be heard.
MARIANNE:
Answer the door. (The hammering continues) I said answer the door.
Marianne lumbers into sight, and groggily goes toward the door.
ANGIE:
That was hammering.
MARIANNE:
Hammering?
ANGIE:
Yeah, Sleeping Beauty.
MARIANNE:
(Crossly) Die.
Marianne lumbers over to the coffee machine and fills two cups.
ANGIE:
No thanks, I have some.
MARIANNE:
Who cares? Why are you here anyways?
ANGIE:
I'm here for breakfast.
Andrew walks on stage to the refrigerator, also half-asleep. He is dressed only in his camouflage-colored underwear. Without noticing Angie or Marianne, he drinks from a carton of milk. Angie watches him with an appreciative eye.
ANGIE:
Nice camouflage, what are you trying to hide?
Andrew is startled. He looks at Angie, then at his near nudity. He tries to cover himself with a dish towel.
ANDREW:
What are you doing here?
ANGIE:
Having a cup of coffee and …
Angie grabs the dish towel.
ANGIE:
… enjoying the view.
ANDREW:
Hey, give that back!
They end up having a tug of war with the dish towel. Marianne barely notices, more intent on staring into her two cups of coffee.
ANGIE:
Come on, don't be bashful, soldier, show me your weapons.
ANDREW:
I don't show my weapons to relative strangers.
ANGIE:
Well, who do you show them to?
ANDREW:
You're missing the point, cousin.
ANGIE:
Cousin?!
Andrew makes a run for his bedroom.
ANDREW:
(Yelling) Yeah, cousin.
ANGIE:
Marianne, I have a problem.
MARIANNE:
You're 22, single, and thin. Unless you've gotten something terminal, I don't want to hear it.
Angie casts a longing look in Andrew's direction.
ANGIE:
What a waste.
MARIANNE:
You got the hots for him or something?
ANGIE:
It shows?
MARIANNE:
Any more obvious and I'd be hosing you down.
ANGIE:
Everybody I meet on this stupid reserve is my cousin.
MARIANNE:
What's your problem?
ANGIE:
Well for one thing, he isn't six foot four. Hell, I'm almost as tall as him, and you've got bigger biceps. And I sure as hell can't find out about the rest of him now. I had my future husband pegged as some tall blond god with more money than brains. What have I got? A pint-sized Dick Tracy, not even a real cop, a special constable. What's a special constable you may ask? I have no idea, I think that means they can shoot unarmed ducks.
MARIANNE:
Well, a real cop arrests people, then has a donut. A special constable warns people, then has Bannock.
ANGIE:
And the thing that really pisses me off, and I do mean royally, is the only Indian I've ever been attracted to, and lord knows I've been hit on by quite a few, happens to be my cousin.
MARIANNE:
Did I doze off? I thought you liked my brother?
ANGIE:
I could just die.
MARIANNE:
Don't tell me it's Michael at the clinic? That man would bang a moose if he was taller.
ANGIE:
(Confused) What?
MARIANNE:
Listen, for the last 10 years I've been living with a man whose idea of foreplay is stroking the band council. What do I have to show for it? A brand new Volkswagen Passat with every conceivable option in the universe. Three bathrooms — there are only two of us—go figure it. And a satellite dish that brings in 416 stations worldwide. Who cares about the top 10 shows in Bulgaria? I got everything I ever wanted … except the David I fell in love with.
ANGIE:
Well, David does try to help you. He's always concerned about what you do and where you are, that must count for something? And didn't he put the two of you on a diet?
MARIANNE:
Have a potato chip. Angie, don't make the same mistakes I did.
ANGIE:
I haven't had a date in five months. I don't need this kind of advice.
MARIANNE:
You remind me so much of myself when I was your age.
ANGIE:
(Concerned) What happened?
MARIANNE:
I thought it was time to settle down. If I settle down any further I'll be in China.
ANGIE:
Oh Marianne, you're still young, sort of. Maybe all David needs is a good kick in the behind. We all need that sometimes.
MARIANNE:
Oh I've thought of kicking him, not in the behind, mind you. Men! God must have one hell of a sense of humor. Anyways, what was all that about cousins? I was sort of fuzzy in the middle.
ANGIE:
Didn't you hear him? Andrew is my cousin!.
MARIANNE:
Of for the love of … Yes you're cousins, cousins by marriage. You see, my uncle on my grandmother's side used to be married to ...
ANGIE:
By marriage? That makes it okay?
MARIANNE:
MARIANNE: Yeah yeah, what are you waiting for? Sic'em.
Marianne points to Andrew's room.
MARIANNE:
Just listen for him mumbling something about room numbers I think. All night it was 34B and 34C.
Angie goes to his door and knocks gently.
ANGIE:
Hello, Blue.
ANDREW:
There's no one in here but us cousins.
Angie slowly opens the door and enters Andrew's bedroom. Andrew is getting dressed.
ANGIE:
(Noticing the beer) Wha?!
ANDREW:
Good choice of words.
Angie looks at the beer, then at Andrew, then back to the beer.
ANGIE:
Decisions, decisions.
Andrew notices her eyeing the beer.
ANDREW:
Uh uh.
ANGIE: