The Bootlegger Blues
Page 4
No?
ANDREW:
My mother gently warned me not to touch the beer or I won't be able to have any children.
ANGIE:
Aren't you a pretty sight in the morning?
ANDREW:
I didn't sleep well.
ANGIE:
Why didn't you try counting sheep?
ANDREW:
I tried that. But after the first few sheep jump over that stupid fence, they start turning into beer cases. Then I see hundreds of beer cases jumping over that same fence, all crying "beeeer, beeeer, beeeer."
ANGIE:
I'll say this, it sure does look good and appetizing.
Andrew's eyes wander over Angie.
ANDREW:
You can say that again.
ANGIE:
And you can't touch it.
ANDREW:
I know.
ANGIE:
I bet you'd love to just dive right in.
Andrew is practically drooling.
ANDREW:
Is it getting hot in here or something?
Angie moves in toward him slowly, her purpose dear. She puts a hand softly on his cheek and draws him toward her.
ANDREW:
Angie, we're related!
ANGIE:
By marriage.
ANDREW:
Marriage?
ANGIE:
Uh huh.
ANDREW:
That means …
ANGIE:
Uh huh. And your mother probably won't be home for quite some time.
ANDREW:
Mom always was good to me.
Marianne is in the kitchen lazily chomping on potato chips. David is at the door watching her. He's soaking wet and dirty.
DAVID:
How about some breakfast?
Marianne holds up the potato chips.
MARIANNE:
Pretend these are homefries.
DAVID:
I remember when we used to have nice big breakfasts. Eggs, bacon, sausages, potatoes, toast. Whatever happened to them?
MARIANNE:
Hey, you wanna be Mr. Fitness or you want a button-popping breakfast?
DAVID:
I want both.
MARIANNE:
You can't have both.
DAVID:
Maybe I'd just like to try and break even.
MARIANNE:
There's more to life than breaking even. (Pause) I'm leaving you, David.
DAVID:
Oh.
MARIANNE:
I was wondering how you'd take it.
DAVID:
No reason why I should rant and rave.
MARIANNE:
I used to like that in you, the way you could rationalize everything. Other people would be arguing and carrying on, but not you. You'd be telling me about some new things you learned in school. It was sort of an anchor for me, back in my wilder days. But it wasn't an anchor, it was a mooring post. If you're tied up all the time, you never get to go anywhere. Well, this girl is out of the marina.
She gets up, ready to face the music and her decision. Then she sees David fully for the first time.
MARIANNE:
What happened? You look terrible. Calvin Klein die? My god, David, you're wet!
DAVID:
Thank you, I missed that. I met Mr. Noble last night.
MARIANNE:
David, I really don't want to … (She sees something outside) David? Whose car is that in the driveway?
DAVID:
Ours.
MARIANNE:
I can see the trail of mud from the car to the door. Where's our Passat?
DAVID:
Answer me this, Marianne. Are you planning to run off with this unemployed feather jumper and leave me here after 10 years? Yesterday I might have laid right down and let you walk all over me, but not today. Your behavior is outrageous, unacceptable, and I demand an explanation.
MARIANNE:
Would you like a type-written report?
DAVID:
We can't afford another typewriter.
MARIANNE:
You're such a clerk!
DAVID:
I am not a clerk.
MARIANNE:
Yes you are, and so am I. Oh David, between the two of us we push more paper than lumberjacks.
DAVID:
Oh, living out of a van is better?
MARIANNE:
Maybe not better but it's a living.
DAVID:
Is he still here? Your Noble Savage is hiding here somewhere, isn't he? Drag him out this moment. Come on, Marianne, I know he's in this house.
MARIANNE:
Oh forget about it, David. Noble was just a flash from the past. The man is long gone. History.
A groan is heard, and Noble stumbles into view, suffering from the hangover from hell.
DAVID:
History repeats itself.
NOBLE:
Where do I pay my fine?
MARIANNE:
(To Noble) Why aren't you gone yet? (To David) He showed up last night drunk. We put him in the spare bedroom to sleep it off. He said he'd be long gone by dawn on a convoy to Michigan. Honest! Why aren't you gone yet?
NOBLE:
I'm history. Which way is north?
DAVID:
That way.
MARIANNE:
You still look a little rough.
NOBLE:
Which way?
DAVID:
That way.
MARIANNE:
But there's no road in that direction, just bush.
NOBLE:
How about east?
MARIANNE:
David, he's in no shape to travel.
Noble starts to feel sick.
NOBLE:
(Looking around) The can?
DAVID/MARIANNE:
(Quickly) West.
Noble shuffles toward the bathroom.
Back in his bedroom, Andrew sits up, alarmed.
ANDREW:
She's doing what?!
They jump out of bed.
NOBLE:
(Leans against a wall for support) Whoa … how'd you get this rippling effect?
MARIANNE:
Yo, Weekend Warrior, could you use some nice fried eggs?
This is too much for Noble's delicate condition. He races for the bathroom as she begins frying eggs. Andrew and Angie run past Noble causing him to spin.
ANGIE:
Hey, it's nice buns.
ANDREW:
Emergency. (To Angie) Go ahead, tell her.
ANGIE:
Tell her what?
ANDREW:
The signs
ANGIE:
Oh. Your mother is putting signs up all over the reserve offering to sell beer to people.
Noble sticks his head out of the bathroom, hearing the magic words.
NOBLE:
There's beer here?
David threatens Noble, who disappears again.
ANDREW:
Out of this house. With this phone number. This unlisted phone number.
MARIANNE:
Mom?!
Marianne starts laughing at the absurdity of it all.
DAVID:
Martha is selling beer?
ANDREW:
Bootlegging.
DAVID:
Oh my god, no.
ANDREW:
(To Marianne) Will you snap out of it.
DAVID:
I wondered about the sign out front. I just glanced at it. I thought it was for a rummage sale.
ANDREW:
Marianne! I'm in law enforcement. I can't have Mother bootlegging.
Angie notices the water on the floor from David's soaked clothes.
ANGIE:
Why is the floor wet?
ANDREW:
Marianne! Are you going to help or not?
Marianne is still laughing.
DAVID:
(To Angie) You
don't want to know.
ANDREW:
Fine then. I'll do it myself. As a soon-to-be special constable I will take the law into my own hands and do my best to save our asses. Angie, let's go.
ANGIE:
Where are we going?
Andrew drags her out the door.
ANDREW:
To find all those damn signs before the real cops find them.
The phone rings and David answers it.
DAVID:
Hello. (Pause) No, she's not here, can I take a message? (Pause) Pardon. (Pause) I don't quite understand. Are you sure you don't want Citizenship Canada, if you want to know about Canadians? (Pause) Oh, you want to buy some Canadian. I suppose I can take an order. Okay, I'll tell her.
Noble stumbles out. He's got a wet towel wrapped around his head.
NOBLE:
Eggs?
David hangs up and looks at the message.
DAVID:
This can't be happening.
Noble sneaks a peek through his towel at Marianne.
NOBLE:
Who are you? (He remembers) Oh yeah. (Looks at David) Hey, recall! Sorry about your car, man. No hard feelings.
MARIANNE:
What about our car?
DAVID:
You'll burn the eggs.
NOBLE:
You should have seen it. Man oh man! Most amazing thing I have ever seen, and I've seen a few. That Passat car of yours sailed out a good 40 feet or so.
MARIANNE:
The Passat! You crashed our Passat?!
NOBLE:
The water sort of cushioned the landing.
MARIANNE:
Water?!
NOBLE:
What was the name of that place again?
DAVID:
Mud Lake.
MARIANNE:
Our Volkswagen Passat is at the bottom of Mud Lake? DAVID:
Not any more.
MARIANNE:
We haven't finished paying for it yet, David!
DAVID:
We went and called a tow truck immediately.
The telephone rings.
DAVID:
I'll get that.
David answers the phone, and writes down a beer order as the dialogue continues.
NOBLE:
You shoulda been there, man. Electrical system is shot all to hell and gone. Baby! The way all the lights went off and on under the water. Actually it was kind of pretty. Blink blink. Blink blink. Blink blink.
MARIANNE:
Blink, blink?!
NOBLE:
And there was old David, bobbing to the surface.
David hangs up the phone.
MARIANNE:
David, tell me no one saw you. David!
NOBLE:
Are you kidding? When everybody heard about it we just shifted the party to the lake. One of the best, Dave, one of the best. But we ran out of beer and that's how I got here. Some old gal named Marjorie sent me up here looking for more.
MARIANNE:
How, in God's name, did all this start?
NOBLE:
Well, sweetheart, we was having a drag race and lover boy there forgot to hit the brakes.
MARIANNE:
(To David) You idiot! David, you?
DAVID:
MARIANNE:
David …
DAVID:
And that's not the worst of it. My briefcase with all my papers in it for this week's council meeting … is now swimming upstream.
MARIANNE:
Talk about polluting the water. On second thought, just don't bother talking to me at all. Ever again.
NOBLE:
Excuse me, the food. Got any toast?
The phone rings, David quickly answers and begins taking a message. Marianne starts cooking again.
DAVID:
Hello. (Pause) Oh hi, Aunt Vanessa, Martha's not here right now. (Pause) A case? But you don't drink. (Pause) Aunt Vanessa, I know Erica's getting married next week, but when they say "something borrowed, something blue;' I don't think they meant a case of Blue Light. (Pause) Fine, Aunt Vanessa. Goodbye.
MARIANNE:
Eggs.
DAVID:
Not that greasy stuff.
Noble grabs David's plate and lets David's eggs fall onto his plate. Martha walks in the door with a very satisfied smile on her face. She stops and looks at the wet floor.
MARTHA:
Who's been mopping? (Looks at Noble) I see you've decided to join the living.
Noble says something but is unintelligible because his mouth is full of food.
MARTHA:
I've got signs and flyers all across the village. They always say it pays to advertise. Look at this. (Holds up some paper) Thirty-five orders in the last half-hour. A miracle. I'm thinking of putting something out in the church bulletin.
The phone rings again. Martha, excited, goes to answer it.
MARTHA:
My first call!
DAVID:
Actually …
MARTHA:
(On the phone) Ahneen, Lester. (Pause) No. (Pause) No! I will not sell you any beer, Lester. You're my brother and one of my rules is I refuse to sell to any of my brothers. (Pause) Eddie don't count, with a wife like that, he needs a beer. (Pause) I know. (Pause) I know. (Pause) I know, Lester. (Pause) No. (She hangs up) I swear that man would try to sweet-talk the devil out of his pitchfork.
NOBLE:
You've got beer here?
DAVID:
Martha! What has gone wrong with you? You're 58 years old.
MARTHA:
I'm 58 years young!
DAVID:
You're almost a senior citizen.
MARTHA:
Prove it.
DAVID:
You belong with the Church Recreation Committee. You're supposed to knit and make soup. Not bootleg!
MARTHA:
David? You're soggy.
NOBLE:
Excuse me. The beer. How much?
DAVID:
(Still pushing) Martha, the police …
MARTHA:
… won't bother me. They're such wonderful boys. Did you know I used to babysit one of them years ago? Used to be kind of sweet on Marianne till she handcuffed him to a cow.
DAVID:
But Martha, you can't just … (Turns to Marianne) You handcuffed a cop to a cow? (She shrugs, his attention turns back to Martha) They're not just going to turn the other way.
NOBLE:
Do you take checks?
The phone rings again and Martha gets it.
MARTHA:
(Answering) Ahneen. (Pause) Scarecrow Jones, how long has it been? (Pause) That long, huh? (Pause) Off on good behavior. I'm so happy for you. What can I do for you? (Pause) Only one case, Scarecrow, that doesn't sound like you. (Pause) I see, you're getting off the road but not quite on the wagon. I'll see what I can do.
She hangs up the phone and David is stunned.
DAVID:
You're bootlegging to ex-cons?!
MARTHA:
Oh, Scarecrow's a nice ex-con. It wasn't his fault he went to jail. The courts overreacted.
DAVID:
What did he do?
MARTHA:
One night he went to the zoo and let some of the animals out.
DAVID:
That doesn't sound so bad.
MARTHA:
Of course he shot three of them, took them home, and ate them.
DAVID:
I don't believe this.
MARTHA:
That's what gave him the idea to open the restaurant.
NOBLE:
Goddamn it, I said I'll buy some beer.
Martha gives Noble a good swat to the head.
MARTHA:
(To David) It's nice to see you and Marianne together again.
DAVID:
I wouldn't be too sure about that. Your daughter seems to have some other ideas.
MARIANNE:
&n
bsp; Like maybe I want to see the world before I see 40.
MARTHA:
I'm about to see 60 and I know the world is in here, (Pats her heart) not out there.
The phone rings again and Martha eagerly answers it.
MARTHA:
Ahneen. (Her voice becomes tight) Well hello there, Marjorie. How nice of you to call. What can I do for you?
DAVID:
I can't believe you're serious about leaving me for that.
Noble burps.
MARTHA:
No, I've given up bingo. I haven't got the time since you saddled me up with 143 cases of beer. It seems like I've devoted my life to looking after those beer. Pretty soon I'll be giving them names. (Pause) No Marjorie, I will not listen to any more of your foolish fund-raising ideas. (Pause) A what? For god's sake woman, nobody in this village would pay good money to see your son as the first Indian Elvis impersonator. Now are you gonna order something or not? (Pause) Fine. Thanks for supporting the church, Marjorie.
She hangs up the phone angrily.
MARTHA:
That woman is more bother than she's worth. Marianne, are you and David staying for dinner?
MARIANNE:
Um …
MARTHA:
We're having pot roast tonight with garden fresh beans from our garden. Marianne honey, will you go pick some beans for dinner?
MARIANNE:
This one last time, Mother.
David watches her exit until Martha gives him a shove.
MARTHA:
Don't just stand there, go talk to her. Why do you think I sent her out there?
DAVID:
For beans?
MARTHA:
I hate beans.
DAVID:
Ohhhh!
David exits.
MARTHA:
In my day, relationships were held together with twine and bailing wire, today it's scotch tape and staples.
Martha turns to Noble.
MARTHA:
What's your name again, boy?
NOBLE:
Noble.
MARTHA:
And what do you do?
NOBLE:
Depends what I can get away with. I'm kidding. I'm a dancer during the summer, and I do all sorts of odd jobs in the winter.
MARTHA:
That's it?
NOBLE:
That's enough. I have a good time, make a living. Someday I'll be rich though, I saw it in a dream.
MARTHA:
Oh yeah, how?
NOBLE:
Don't know. The truck hit a bump and I woke up.
Again Martha doesn't laugh. Noble isn't charming her as he expected to.
MARTHA:
Do you go to church?
NOBLE:
My parents used to take me as a kid but it wasn't for me. All that standing, sitting, kneeling, standing, sitting, kneeling. Made me feel like a little brown yoyo.
MARTHA:
You should go back to church.
NOBLE:
I like to think that I do in a way. That's why I go to powwows. It's a chance to sleep under the stars, the light bulbs of Heaven, on the grass, listen to the trees and the insects. To me, that's the voice of the Creator. I'd rather hear the voice myself than go through a middle man.