She Loves Me. He Loves Me Not.

by Allana Walker

  “Okay.”She sighs, disappointed.

  We pull up to Dad’s house. “I just want it perfect for you and the baby.”

  “I know. I just want our own place.”

  “We will, soon.” I kiss the back of her hand.

  Tristan and I started renting a place. I was getting stressed staying at his dad’s place. It’s not that I don’t like Emmett; I love him like a second dad, but I just couldn’t relax around the house. I guess I wanted to have our own place for when the baby comes.

  I’ve been back in Boston for two months now. I’m on the home stretch and ready to pop this kid out.

  “I swear, the next person to tell me how big I've gotten, I'm going to eat them!” I stare down the bitch that's just pointed out I'm getting bigger every time she sees me. The bitch in question... my sister-in-law, Avery. Tristan chokes on his beer. I turn my glare on him, narrowing my eyes.

  “Baby, she's just excited that the first baby of the family will be here in a few weeks.” Tristan pulls me to his side, placing a hand on my bulging stomach. I place my hand over his and sigh, looking at my stomach that’s growing our baby.

  “I know. I know people are excited. I'm excited.”

  “But?” He bends his head to look into my eyes. “What's going on in that beautiful head of yours?” He places two fingers under my chin, making me look at him. “Baby?”

  How can I tell him I'm absolutely scared out of my mind that I'm not going to be a good mother? That I'm terrified of doing something wrong? I don't have my mom here to help me through this, and his mom is as much help as a flammable fire extinguisher. I know I have Aiden, Avery, Lennon, Luke, and of course, Tristan. But between all of us, we haven't had any experience looking after a baby. Emmett said he will help out as much as he can, but we can't put it all on him; he has his own business to run.

  “Baby?” Tristan brings me out of my thoughts.

  “Nothing.” I offer a small smile. “It's nothing. I'm being silly.”

  “You can tell me, you know that, right?” He moves his hand to the side of my face, his thumb rubbing over my cheek. I lean into his touch, turning my head and kissing his palm.

  “I know.” I close my eyes, preparing myself to tell him what's going on in my head when Avery comes over.

  “Beer for you.” She smiles at Tristan, handing him a bottle of beer. “Orange juice for the baby incubator.” I glare at her, making her giggle. “I'm kidding, Lillia. Lighten up.

  “Oh, I can't wait for you to get pregnant. Payback’s a bitch!” I sip my orange juice. A blush creeps up on her cheeks. I tilt my head to the side and raise my eyebrow at her. “Oh my God.” I let out a little laugh.

  “What?” Tristan looks at me and Avery, who is avoiding eye contact with me. “What? Is it time?” Panic rises in his voice. “Shit! I've been drinking, Lillia! I don't want the first smell the baby smells to be stale beer!” He pulls out his phone.

  “Tristan, put your phone away. I'm not in labor!”

  “Then what the fuck?” I stare at him. Why is he mad? “Sorry. I just don't want to be drunk when I meet the little guy or girl.” He sighs, looking at me. He pops out his bottom lip. “Forgive me?”

  “Only if you go get me a packet of Twizzlers and some peanut butter.” I bat my eyes at him.

  “You got it.” He smiles and kisses me, leaving me with Avery.

  “Oh, and some Parma Violets,” I shout. I’ve had a craving for the little purple sweets Lennon and I had when we visited the UK with Mom and Dad when we were eleven. I had to ask Lennon if he remembered what they were called, and thank God he remembered, otherwise I would have cried. We can only get them from the UK, so Aiden bought me a huge box full of them when he was over there for a photoshoot.

  “Well, well.” I fold my arms across my chest. “Looks like my baby won't be lonely for long.” A solemn look crosses her face. My brows knit together. “What's wrong?”

  “Nothing. It's nothing.” She twirls her wedding band around her finger.

  “Avery. Come on, it's me.” I offer her a gentle smile.

  “I'm just scared, I guess.” She sighs, leaning her head in her hands.

  “What are you scared of?”

  “Lennon's reaction.” She glances at me then her drink. “You saw the way he reacted when he found out you were pregnant. What if it's the same when he finds out he's about to be a dad?”

  “Avery, you guys are married. Tristan and I aren't. We weren't even together when I got pregnant. He punched a guy and broke his nose when we conceived.” She giggles. “Lennon only reacted the way he did because we’d just lost our parents and because I kept it from you all for so long.” My chest aches as I think about my parents.

  “Hey, your parents would be proud of you, Lillia.”

  I nod. I know they would be; it just hurts to know they will never meet the next generation of Kennedys.

  “Plus, I think he wanted to talk to you about starting a family soon anyway.” I sip my orange juice.

  She looks at me with widened brown eyes. I smile and wink at her. Tristan walks back through with my order. I dip my Twizzler into my peanut butter and groan with each satisfying bite.

  “Ew, that’s disgusting.” Lennon screws up his face as he walks into the living room.

  “Don’t knock it until you try it, bro.” I crush some of the purple goodness into the peanut butter and proceed to dip the Twizzlers in and eat it.

  “You can keep it.” Lennon shakes his head and kisses Avery hello. “I hope to God you don’t get any of those cravings.”

  Avery looks at me like she thinks I’ve told him, which is impossible. I’ve been with her the whole time and I’ve just found out myself.

  “Avery, baby. If you wanted to keep it a secret then you should have hidden the positive pregnancy test better.” He laughs at her.

  “You’re not mad?” she asks cautiously.

  “Mad? Why would I be mad?” He tilts his head to the side. “Baby, I’m not mad. Scared, sure, but the excitement overrules the scared feeling.” A tear drops from my eye and I look at Tristan, who’s looking down and pulling the label off his beer bottle. My heart hurts at the fact we never had that. Never had the moment of sharing the fear and excitement we both would have felt at seeing the two blue lines appear. Instead, I was a selfish bitch who chose to keep it to myself for five months.

  “Excuse me,” I whisper, getting off the sofa and heading to the bathroom to cry in privacy.

  “Lil?” Lennon knocks on the door. “Everything all right in there?”

  I take a couple of deep, calming breaths before I can answer him without alerting him to how upset I am. “Fine. I’ll be out in a sec.” I cover my mouth to cover the sob that tries to escape.

  “Okay.” When I think it’s clear, I let out a sob and the tears flow.

  “Lilly, I know you’re not fine.” This time it’s Tristan, and the door opens. “What’s going on?” He kneels in front of me where I’m sitting on the toilet seat.

  “How did you know I wasn’t relieving myself?” I sniff.

  “Lillia, you’ve been in here for twenty minutes.” He raises an eyebrow. “Now, come on. Tell me what’s going on in that pretty little head of yours.” He tucks a piece of hair that’s escaped from my ponytail behind my ear.

  “Just seeing how happy Lennon and Avery were when they shared the news of their pregnancy.” I look down at my knotted hands. “It all came flooding back that we never got that.”

  “Lilly, I love you. Do I wish we got that special moment? Yes, every single day. But I understand why. We weren’t in a good place and the way we left things when we conceived this amazing little baby wasn’t the best either.” He places his hand on my stomach and rubs. “We’re together now and that’s all that matters.” He reaches over and kisses my forehead.

  “I just feel like I let everyone down by keeping it a secret.”

  “Hey.” Tristan places his fingers under my chin, lifting my face to look at him. “Don�
��t ever feel like you let anyone down. You didn’t and could never let anyone down.” He lightly kisses my lips. “I love you.”

  “I love you too.” I sniff. “Can we go home?”

  “Anything for you, baby.”

  Once home, I lay awake for a few hours, watching Tristan sleep. He looks so beautiful while he’s asleep. Lifting his arm from around my waist and getting out of bed, I walk down to the kitchen for a glass of water.

  When I put the faucet on, I have the sudden urge to go to the bathroom. I get halfway across the kitchen floor when I feel something pop and water gushes out of me like Niagara Falls.

  “Oh shit,” I whisper to myself, too scared to move. “Tristan!” Nothing. “Tristan!” I yell louder. I hear a thud like he’s fallen out of bed.

  “Lilly? Lilly, are you okay?” I hear his frantic voice getting closer. When he runs into the kitchen, he doesn’t notice the puddle at my feet, causing him to slip and fall. “Fuck. Shit!” He groans, rolling about the floor. I can’t help the bubble of laughter that releases from my mouth.

  “Oh my God. I’m going to wet myself.” I laugh, doubling over.

  “Are you sure you didn’t already do that?” He stands, holding his back. “Shit, that hurt.”

  “I think my water broke.” I look up at him, still standing with my legs open in the same spot. My pajama bottoms are soaked through and sticking to my skin like glue. His eyes widen impossibly large and he rushes towards me, almost falling again.

  “Shit, um…” He takes my hand, looking around. “Shit, what do we do?”

  “Tristan, breathe. We need to call the midwife and tell them my water has broken.” He guides me to the kitchen chair, sitting me down, then rushes to get the phone.

  “My girlfriend’s water has broken,” I hear him say. “Lillia Kennedy.” A sharp pain slices through my stomach as I listen to him answer the person on the other end of the phone. “Um… I don’t know. She looks in pain right now.” He appears at the door. “Baby, can you stand?” I nod, breathing through the pain. He helps me up. “We need to get you changed and to the hospital.”

  “What did they say?” I blow out through the pain.

  “They said to get you to the hospital now because your water has broken, and with the bleed at the start of the pregnancy, they want to keep an eye on you.” He pulls off my wet pajama bottoms and panties. “Now is not the time,” he whispers.

  I smirk. “Are you getting turned on?”

  “No,” he says, a little too quickly.

  “Hey, I’m not judging you.” I giggle then stop when another contraction comes; this one is a lot more intense. I grip on to Tristan’s forearm and try to breathe through the pain.

  “In through the nose, baby. Out through the mouth.” I look him in the eyes and do as he’s instructed; he’s breathing along with me.

  Once he changes me into a fresh pair of yoga pants, we make our way to the hospital.

  “Argh, shit.” I grip the handle on the car door as we speed towards the hospital.

  “Hang in there, baby. We’re almost there.” Tristan touches my leg.

  “Don’t fucking touch me,” I yell at him. He snatches his hand away in shock. I shocked myself, but shit, this is painful.

  We see flashing red and blue lights behind us.

  “You have got to be fucking kidding me!” I scream. The pain comes quicker than the first time.

  The cop pulls us over and walks to Tristan’s side of the car, and signals for him to roll down the window. “Son, do you realize how fast you were going?”

  “I’m in fucking labor, about to pop a human being out of my tight fucking pussy!” I scream at the poor policeman.

  His face pales when he looks over at me. “Ma’am. We’ll get you to the hospital.”

  “Shit, Lilly. You can come in the car anytime with me if you can get me out of a ticket,” Tristan jokes as we follow the police escort.

  “Now is not the time, Tristan.” I grip the seat.

  Getting to the hospital, the midwife is waiting outside with a wheelchair. Tristan decides now would be a good time to have a good old chit chat with the police officer.

  “Tristan!”

  He’s by my side in a second. “I’m here, baby.” He takes my hand.

  “Drugs. Get me all the drugs!” I demand, when we arrive at my room.

  “Let’s get you checked over first, Mrs...”

  “Miss. I’m not married!” I snap at her.

  Her head jerks back in surprise with the venom in my voice. “I’m sorry, Miss…” She looks down at my notes. “Kennedy. Like the wrestler?” She beams. She's a young student midwife and the way she keeps ogling Tristan is starting to piss me off.

  “Yes, like the wrestler Mr. Kennedy. Now get this fucking thing out of me!”

  “Baby, calm down.” Tristan places a damp, cold cloth on my forehead.

  “Don’t tell me to calm down. Unless you have a tiny human/alien type situation going on, you can’t tell me to calm down!” I scream at him.

  “Okay, Miss Kennedy.”

  “Lillia.”

  “Lillia, can you open your legs wide for me, please?”

  That’s what got me into this situation. I do as I’m told.

  “It may feel a little uncomfortable. I apologize.” She puts her gloved fingers into me to check me over. “You’re only five centimeters dilated. Halfway there.” She smiles.

  I groan out loud. “I feel like I need to push!”

  “Breathe through it, Lillia. You’re not ready to push.”

  “I fucking need to push!” I roar.

  “Baby.” Tristan tries to gain my attention. “Baby, look at me.” I turn slightly and stare into his blue orbs. “You need to listen to the midwives, okay? We want our baby out safely and I want you safe too.”

  I nod in agreement, close my eyes, and breathe.

  I imagine my mom coaching and helping me through this, calming me a little. Mom, I wish you were here.

  Jesus. Who knew little five-feet-five Lillia Kennedy had such a strong grip? She damn near broke my hand. She sent me to get a coffee because my presence was pissing her off; I’m standing at the machine in the corridor when a frantic-looking Lennon runs towards me with Avery behind him.

  “Well? Is the baby here?” He gasps for air like he ran all the way here.

  “Not yet. She’s halfway there.”

  “How is she? Can we see her?” Avery asks desperately.

  I nod and walk with them towards the room where Lillia is yelling at the midwife. “Get me the fucking drugs!”

  Lennon looks at me with a scared expression on his face.

  “You have this to look forward to, buddy.” I chuckle.

  We walk in and see Lillia walking around.

  “Lils?” Lennon says.

  Lillia turns to look at her brother. “Lennon, tell her. Tell her I’m no good with pain. I need the drugs.” She walks towards us like a possessed woman. She grips onto Lennon’s hands, and judging by Lennon’s scrunched up face, she’s getting another contraction.

  “Shit, Lils.” He groans.

  “Drugs, Lennon. Tell her!”

  “Lillia, let’s get you checked again,” the midwife suggests. A huge smile appears on her face which irritates Lillia.

  “What the fuck are you smiling for?”

  “You’re ten centimeters.” She beams at Lillia. I rush to her side and take her hand. “It’s time to start pushing.”

  We look at each other. Shit just got real, real quick.

  “This is it,” Lillia says quietly. “Are you ready for this next chapter to our story?”

  “I’m more than ready.” I kiss her lips.

  The doctors and midwives mill around us, getting everything ready. I stare at her in awe. She’s going through all this pain to give birth to our son or daughter, and here I am just standing here, holding her hand while she takes all the pain.

  I look down over the blanket and see the head of our baby. Tears fa
ll from my eyes. “Okay, Lillia. One big push and we will have the baby’s shoulders out,” the doctor says.

  “Argh.” Lillia pushes as hard as she can. The shoulders pop out.

  “On the next contraction push hard, Lillia.”

  “Come on, baby,” I encourage her. I watch as the baby shoots out like a ping pong ball in Bangkok. We hear the piercing cry of our baby taking their first gulp of air.

  “Would Daddy like to cut the cord?” the young midwife asks, handing me the umbilical cord scissors. I look over to an exhausted Lillia, who beams at me. I cut the tough cord.

  “Do you want to tell Mommy the sex?” the doctor holding my baby asks. I look down and smile.

  “We have a boy.” I beam at Lillia, who smiles widely at me.

  Lillia and our son are all cleaned up and we’ve been moved to a side room in the maternity ward. I can’t tear my eyes away from him. “Shall we call your uncle Aid?” I whisper.

  Lillia is getting some much-needed sleep. I pull up Aiden’s number and video call him.

  “Tristan?” His confused face fills the screen.

  “Meet your nephew.” I point the camera down to my sleeping boy in my arms.

  “Oh my God.” Aiden gasps. “Oh, wow. I never thought I would see the day you would be a father before me,” he jokes.

  “Well, believe it.”

  “Does the little dude have a name yet?” He looks above the phone screen and shakes his head.

  “Sorry. Are you on a shoot?”

  “It’s fine. They can wait. I’m an uncle. Nothing will stop me from seeing that handsome little guy. Unless he looks like you. Then we better keep him locked up.” He chuckles.

  “He’s all Lillia.” I glance over and see she’s still asleep.

  “How’s Lils? Did she break any of your bones?”

  “She nearly broke my hand a few times. I think she broke my spirit more than anything.” I laugh. “She told me I’m never to touch her again and that this is all my fault.”

  Aiden laughs out loud. “She’s stronger than she looks.”

  “Damn right. Spiritually and physically. Honestly, Aid. This has to be the most amazing experience of my life. The love I feel for this little guy already is… there are no words to describe it.” I look down at my son, who starts to stir and lets out a wail, waking Lillia.