by Emily Forbes
He’d thought he could distance himself from her, from her idea that all families were happy families, from her belief that he should get to know his brother. His half-brother. From her belief that he would want to know him.
But distance wasn’t working. He missed her. The light had gone with her and his world was not as bright or as warm or as happy without her in it. He knew he should just let her go. He didn’t need any complications. He didn’t want to be in a serious relationship, one where they had discussions about their beliefs and desires and principles. He didn’t want to get too involved with someone who’d made no secret of the fact she wanted a family of her own ‘one day’. But he wasn’t ready to give her up, not just yet. And that meant trying to find a compromise.
None of this was her fault. The situation between him and his father was not her doing and he shouldn’t be blaming her for her perception of the circumstances. But that didn’t mean he agreed with her. Not completely anyway. He didn’t want anything to do with his father and he wasn’t going to be persuaded otherwise. But he needed to make her understand. If he wanted her back in his life they needed to sort this out. He wasn’t going to let his father ruin another relationship. His father had done enough damage to his own family and he wasn’t going to let his father’s actions interfere with any other part of his life.
He needed to talk to her but the Stat Bar was not the place for this conversation. He’d seen her leaving so he’d followed a few minutes behind, thinking maybe he’d have more luck getting a private conversation at her house.
He hadn’t realised a crowd was going home with her and by the time he’d reached her house the garden and the lounge were filled with people. He’d used the crowd to his advantage, walking straight through the front door, unnoticed by everyone as he’d searched for Ellie. A brief glance around the garden and into the lounge and he’d known she wasn’t there, he couldn’t feel her. He’d continued on to the kitchen and he’d felt her presence getting stronger as he’d got nearer.
She was watching him, waiting for a reply. What had she asked? Why was he there?
‘I needed to see you,’ he replied. He pulled out a kitchen chair and sat at the table. ‘I want a chance to explain.’
‘Explain what?’
‘That family is important to me. I need you to understand something before you judge me.’
‘I wasn’t judging you.’
‘Yes, you were. You were expecting me to embrace a family that I have no connection with. I understand your reasoning, but family to me is more than just blood relations. Family is the people who love you and support you through the highs and lows of your life. They are the ones you want to share things with and the ones you turn to when you need encouragement. My family is important to me but when I say family I mean my mother and my sister. They are what matters.’
‘And what about Harry?’
‘Harry is not my family. Harry is a stranger.’
‘But he doesn’t have to be.’
‘We have nothing in common—’
‘Other than your father.’
‘Who I haven’t seen in almost eighteen years. I don’t need him and I’m sure he doesn’t need me.’ He ran his hands through his hair and took a deep breath. He needed to get this right. Ellie needed to understand his point of view. ‘Not wanting to meet Harry doesn’t make me a bad person. I have a family, my mum and my sister.’
She was shaking her head. ‘I know your father’s behaviour hurt you deeply but your father’s behaviour isn’t Harry’s responsibility or burden any more than it is yours. You have a brother, two brothers, who you refuse to acknowledge, and I’d give anything to have just a little of what you’re prepared to throw away. That’s what I don’t understand.’
‘I can appreciate how hard it must have been for you to lose your parents, especially as an only child, but having a big family is not necessarily better than having a small one.’
‘I would be grateful to have one at all.’
‘That’s my point. I’m happy with the family I have. I don’t need more than that. My family is not my father or his new wife or some half-siblings I’ve never met. I have a family and I want you to meet them. Would you come with me to my sister’s house tomorrow? It’s my nephew’s birthday and we’ve been invited for afternoon tea.’
She was frowning. ‘We? I’ve been invited? You want me to come with you?’
He nodded. ‘I want you to meet my family, to see that I’m not a horrible, cold-hearted person. I want to show you that I do believe in family. I have a family that I love very much, a family who have loved and supported me my entire life. Please give me a chance to redeem myself.’ He reached his hand across the table, imploring her to give him another chance. ‘I’ve missed you, Ellie, please do this for me. For us.’
‘You’ve missed me?’ He was going to forgive her for their differences? Despite everything he still wanted her?
She remembered Tilly’s words. Are you going to try to figure this out or are you going to walk away over a disagreement over a half-brother who means nothing to you or James?
Could she apologise? Could she say she’d made a mistake? Could she tell him she loved him?
She knew she could apologise. She could back down, relax her position on Harry, and perhaps, given time, he would see her point of view. She could hope for that and in the meantime it would give James back to her. But she couldn’t admit she loved him. That wasn’t going to happen.
‘Come and meet my family and you’ll see why I don’t need more than them. Sometimes just one person is enough.’
He was leaning towards her and she could feel the heat radiating from him. She reached out with her right hand, wanting to touch him, needing to feel him. His skin was warm under her fingers. She could feel his heart beating and its rhythm travelled through her fingers, infusing her body with his pulse.
This was ridiculous. She could feel herself falling under his spell. She was letting him charm her with words. Letting his familiar scent persuade her to listen to him.
Maybe she should meet his family. If he was keen for her to see that side of him, what harm could it do?
Now she was being ridiculous. There was nothing to gain from letting him back into her life. He’d made his point of view perfectly clear.
But she knew she couldn’t resist him, she knew she would give in.
One person, he’d said.
She knew he was right.
At the moment she only needed one person and he was sitting right in front of her.
Some would say she was young and foolish, naïve even, and they might be right, but she was also in love. She desperately wanted a second chance.
She ran her fingers down his arm, entwining their hands together. ‘Let’s talk about this upstairs,’ she said as she stood, pulling him to his feet beside her. In the background she could hear Ruby singing, accompanied by Tilly on her guitar. She ignored all of that and she ignored the throbbing of her injured finger as she led James out of the kitchen and up the stairs. She ignored her conscience, which was asking if she’d given up her argument about Harry. She’d worry about him later. Right now the rest of the world and its problems could wait. With James beside her it was possible to ignore the outside world completely and she wasn’t passing up this opportunity.
For the next month Ellie decided to take James’s advice that sometimes one person was enough. She concentrated on him and ignored the fact that he was still reluctant to acknowledge his half-brothers. She still hoped he’d come around to the idea of meeting them but for now she kept quiet, choosing not to force the issue in exchange for spending more time with James.
One benefit of their debate over family was that she got to know James’s mother and sister. By Ellie’s judgement his mother was a confident, intelligent woman who had raised two caring and considerate adults. Because of James’s attitude towards marriage Ellie had expected his mother to be scarred by her divorce but it was quite the opposite. He’
d been brought up surrounded by strong women and Ellie realised his anti-marriage stance was really about his belief that people couldn’t be relied on to make such a commitment. He had a good relationship with his mother and his older sister, Libby, and there was no doubt that his family was an important part of his life. He clearly loved his mum and his sister, as they loved him. He treated them with respect. He was protective and chivalrous without being condescending and he treated her the same way, making her feel safe and adored. It was a good feeling and he was a good man.
But today had been a difficult day. Not unpleasant, she’d spent it with James and his nieces and nephew at the beach, but she was feeling torn, knowing she should have been elsewhere. She’d enjoyed the afternoon and she had sunburnt shoulders to prove it. The only thing that had spoiled it was her own guilt.
They had swum, built sandcastles and played beach cricket. James’s cricket was good, of course, but she’d been hopeless. Distracted by the picture of James in his board shorts and bare chest, she’d kept missing the ball. Even now, as she sat on the edge of her bed and tried to concentrate on rubbing moisturiser into her sunburnt shoulders, the sight of a semi-naked, still-shirtless James lying beside her was distracting.
But she was still feeling guilty. She’d always spent this day in Goulburn. For the last twelve years that’s where she’d been, but today she’d changed her routine, she’d done what she’d wanted to do and now she was feeling guilty.
‘Here, let me do that,’ James said, reaching for the bottle of lotion. He took over the ministrations. ‘Did you have a good afternoon?’ he asked.
Her afternoon had been better than good, it had been almost perfect. She didn’t regret choosing to spend it with him but she was starting to worry that she would regret some other sacrifices later on, for instance, sacrificing her dreams of having her own family in favour of James. He had almost convinced her that she only needed one person.
Yes, the afternoon had been wonderful but it came at a cost.
‘It was almost perfect.’
‘Almost?’
‘I’m feeling guilty.’
‘Guilty? About what?’
‘Today is the anniversary of my parents’ death. I should have been visiting their graves but instead I was at the beach with you.’
James stopped rubbing the moisturiser into her skin, pausing in mid-circle. ‘Why didn’t you say something to me earlier? I would have taken you to them.’
‘To Goulburn?’
‘Why not? Do you want to go now?’ he asked, as if it made perfect sense.
Goulburn was more than two hours from Sydney. A round trip would take nearly five hours.
She shook her head. ‘Thanks, I appreciate your offer but it’s already nearly six o’clock. After an afternoon in the sun I don’t think we should tackle that drive.’
He kissed her shoulder. ‘I’ll take you another day, then. I’ll make it up to you.’
‘You don’t need to do that. It was my decision, my choice. I love spending time with you and your nieces and nephews but today just reminded me of what’s missing in my life.’
‘What do you mean?’
Could she tell him how she felt? He looked so good lying on her bed, like he belonged there, and she liked the idea of him being there into the future, but her idea of the future might differ from his.
There was no ‘might’ about it. She knew they had differing views on that topic but it was time for her to be honest with him about some things.
‘Do you remember telling me that sometimes one person is enough? That one person is all you need to feel complete?’
He nodded.
‘I let myself believe you because I wanted to keep you in my life. You make me feel special and happy and positive but today I missed my family. I want what Libby has.’
‘What’s that?’
‘Kids. A husband. A family of my own. I want to belong to someone who loves me, I want to be someone’s wife but I want to be a mother even more.’
James had stopped nodding. He was frowning instead. She wondered if she should stop now, before it was too late.
‘Have you some idea of when you might want to have this family?’ he asked.
‘I’ve dreamed of having a family of my own since I was about sixteen. Maybe because I lost my parents when I was so young or maybe because I had no siblings or maybe it’s just in my genes, but each year that goes past I worry that my dream may be slipping away.’
‘So you’re not talking years down the track?’
She shook her head. ‘I’d hope not.’
‘But you’re still young. You’ve got plenty of time.’
Why did everyone tell her that? One day she’d wake up and find that she was old and alone. She couldn’t take that chance. ‘It took my parents ten years to fall pregnant with me and I was eventually conceived through IVF. It could be the same for me.’ That was her greatest fear—what if she couldn’t have children?
‘Your biological clock is ticking? Is that what you’re telling me?’
Ellie nodded. ‘I thought I could try living in the moment, I thought I’d see whether I could ignore that yearning, or even if it would pass, but it hasn’t. I want a husband, kids, the happily-ever-after. The fairy-tale.’
James swung his legs over the edge of the bed, sitting up beside her. ‘That’s why it’s called a fairy-tale,’ he said. ‘For the most part it doesn’t exist.’
‘What doesn’t?’
‘The whole happily-ever-after. Especially with marriages. My father is a perfect example of that. People aren’t prepared for the commitment of marriage.’
‘You’re not prepared for that commitment, that’s what you’re saying, isn’t it?’ Ellie wondered how much of James’s attitude stemmed from his father’s three failed marriages. It wasn’t a stretch of the imagination to see that he’d certainly been influenced by his family history. As had she.
He nodded. ‘I’m not cut out for marriage. I’ve been honest with you all along about that.’
She couldn’t argue with him. He was right. She’d known since the night in Kings Cross that he didn’t plan to get married. He’d come close, something she hadn’t known until later, but he obviously had no intention of getting that close again.
It was her turn to be truthful. ‘And now I’m being honest with you. And with myself. I want my own family. I want the fairy-tale and I intend to have it.’
‘And what is the rest of your plan? Where do you go from here?’
‘I guess that depends on you.’
‘I’m sorry, Ellie. You know that marriage isn’t part of my future plan.’ He wasn’t telling her anything new but she wished it was different.
‘No marriage? No kids?’
‘You know it’s not something I want. I don’t want to have people depend on me, not in that sense. You have to admit, my family doesn’t have a great track record of sticking things out for the long term.’
‘You won’t think about it?’
James shook his head. ‘I have thought about it. A few months ago it was all I thought about and I made my decision then when I broke off my engagement. But I want you to have your dream. I can’t help you but I won’t stand in your way.’ He kissed her softly on the lips before he got up from her bed. ‘Go and find the man who will be the father of your children but make sure he treats you right, make sure he loves you. You deserve to be happy.’
He picked up his T-shirt and his car keys and left the room. Left her.
She could hear his footsteps on the stairs and the sound of the front door opening and closing as he walked away. She lay down on the bed, where he had lain, soaking up his warmth. She buried her face in her pillow and inhaled his scent and felt her heart breaking.
She disagreed with his idea that he wasn’t cut out for marriage. She was convinced that if he truly fell in love he’d change his mind.
Maybe that was the problem. He didn’t love her.
She felt hollow. He had
filled her heart with love and she’d felt complete with him.
Should that have been enough for her? Should he have been enough? Should she have settled?
No. She shook her head, talking to herself in her empty room. She needed to belong. Even if he’d been prepared to marry her she suspected that in a few years she’d regret not having a family of her own and end up resenting him even though she’d have known all along his feelings on the subject.
As hard as it seemed now, the best thing in the long term was to let him go. She would find someone who would love her back but now, more than ever, she needed her mum. She needed her mum to sit on her bed and stroke her hair. She needed her to kiss her forehead and tell her everything would be better in the morning, just as she’d done when she was ten years old.
She needed her mum and she needed James and she couldn’t have either of them.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
SUNDAY was a dreadful day. The sun was shining but all James could see were dark clouds. His house felt dark and lonely. It was quiet, too quiet. The house felt as though it was mourning Ellie’s absence. It needed to hear her laughter. He needed to hear her laughter.
Don’t be ridiculous, he thought, the house couldn’t possibly miss Ellie. But he could feel her absence.
He had drifted around the house all day. He needed to get out of here, away from these four walls and his memories. Everything he looked at reminded him of Ellie and if he closed his eyes he could picture her here. He needed to go for a run or a swim.
He went to change into his running clothes but Ellie’s bikini was hanging in the shower and her toothbrush was on the basin. He went back upstairs but there were more reminders there. The photo they’d had taken at the surf-club dinner was on the fridge, held in place by an elephant magnet she’d bought for him. A vase of sunflowers took centre stage on the kitchen bench. Brightly coloured lime cushions were now scattered over the sofa and an old wooden coffee table she’d found at a recent trash and treasure market and had repainted in thick lime, white and latte stripes sat on the rug in front of the television. A bowl on the coffee table was filled with a collection of shells and pebbles that Ellie had collected with his nieces. She’d promised to help them decorate photo frames but, thanks to him, she wouldn’t be doing that now. His family had adopted Ellie as one of them. How was he going to explain what had happened? How was he going to explain how it had all gone wrong?
