by Emily Forbes
He looked around the room. He didn’t notice the missing furniture. He didn’t notice the missing dining table or sideboard or pictures. All he noticed was that Ellie was missing.
She’d turned his house into a home again. But she’d wanted a family.
Should a home have a family? Could a house be a home without a family?
The two weren’t mutually exclusive. One person could have a home, but that thought wasn’t terribly convincing. Would it be better if more people lived there? People who loved each other?
The phone rang and he pounced on it.
But it wasn’t Ellie. It was the real estate agent.
‘Dr Leonardi, just wondering how you’re going with plans for selling your house. Are you ready to sign the contract?’
He’d delayed putting his house on the market since Ellie had started to spend time there. With her there the house felt loved. When she was there he didn’t notice the lack of furniture. When she was there he didn’t feel like selling it. Having his house had given them somewhere of their own. The girls’ house at Hill Street was filled with laughter but it was also filled with lots of other people and sometimes James had just wanted to have Ellie to himself. He’d loved being in the sanctuary of his own house with her. He didn’t want to share her. And he didn’t want to sell the house.
‘No, it’s not going on the market.’ It was a link to Ellie. To their memories.
But what of their future? With Ellie in his life he’d been so positive about his future, about himself and the person he could be. But what now? What did his future hold if it wasn’t with Ellie? Could he be the man she wanted? Could he give her the things she desired?
When he’d been engaged before he hadn’t been able to imagine the future. He’d known the marriage wouldn’t last that long. But with Ellie it was different. He couldn’t imagine his future without her. Already he missed her. He missed hearing her laughter, he missed the feeling of warmth and sunshine she brought to his life. He missed the way she looked at him as if she couldn’t wait to get him into her bed.
He wanted her in his life. He needed her in his life. She was his future.
He loved her.
The realisation struck him with full force.
He loved her.
He wanted her.
He needed her.
He picked up a handful of shells and pebbles from the bowl on the coffee table and let them run through his fingers and fall back into the bowl as he thought about Ellie.
He needed to talk to her. He needed to see her and apologise.
He needed to tell her he loved her.
But he had to do it properly. He’d only get one chance to explain. He would take his time and make sure he did it right.
He pulled his phone out of his pocket. Ellie’s roster was on there. He knew she was working a late today, he’d already checked, but he wanted to know her movements for tomorrow.
She was on an early shift.
He knew what to do. He was in Theatre tomorrow but after work he’d pick up some supplies and a bottle of champagne, just in case, and invite Ellie to join him for a beach picnic.
Now he had to work out what he would say.
He’d been at work for less than twenty minutes but his plan was unravelling fast. He was doing a quick ward round and had expected to see Ellie but apparently she’d called in sick. He tried to reach her in the few minutes he had before his theatre list started but she didn’t answer her phone.
Every chance he got between patients he called again. He didn’t get an answer.
At the end of his day he went straight to the Hill Street house. He assumed if she wasn’t well he’d have to reschedule the beach picnic but he needed to see her. He needed to know she was okay.
But there was no answer at Hill Street either. It was an odd situation—a house of four women and the occasional man and nobody home. If Ellie was sick, why wasn’t she home? Where was she?
He ducked across the road to the Stat Bar, thinking someone must be there. Someone would be able to tell him what the hell was going on. But neither Tilly, Ruby, Jess nor Ellie were there.
He went home defeated but not deterred. Ellie was on another early tomorrow, he’d just delay his plans for twenty-four hours.
But the following morning she still wasn’t at work. Charlotte, the ward physio, was doing the round with him. He pulled her aside at the end of the round. He needed to know what was going on, he was getting worried. ‘Charlotte, do you know where Ellie is?’
‘She isn’t working today. She’s off.’
James frowned. According to his phone she was on an early. Had he entered it incorrectly? ‘Is she still sick?’
‘No, I think she swapped shifts with Sarah. Why don’t you ring her?’
He didn’t bother explaining that he’d been trying to do that without success. Maybe he’d got her shifts wrong. At the end of rounds he quickly checked the nurses’ roster. It showed the shifts for the next fortnight but Ellie’s name had been crossed off. Completely. There was a big, thick, black line through her name. All her shifts had been allocated to other staff.
He was really concerned now. His first thought was for Rob Coleman. Had Penny Coleman got her way? Had Ellie been transferred to a different ward?
He checked his watch. His outpatient clinic was starting in five minutes. He’d have to solve this puzzle later.
Rob was also running a clinic. James told the receptionist he needed to speak to Rob and asked her to interrupt him the moment he was free.
‘Can I have a word?’ he asked as he stuck his head into Rob’s office. Rob gestured for him to come in and James closed the door behind him. ‘Do you know where Ellie is?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Her name’s been taken off the roster. Did you get her transferred?’
Rob frowned. ‘Transferred? To where?’ He looked completely confused.
‘I don’t know, that’s what I’m trying to find out.’
‘I have no idea what you’re talking about. I haven’t seen Ellie and I don’t know where she is.’ He gestured to the pile of notes on his desk. ‘If you’ll excuse me, I have a long list of patients to see, as I’m sure you do,’ he said as he dismissed him.
James left Rob’s office, none the wiser. He worked his way through his clinic list but instead of working on his research paper for the afternoon, as he’d planned, he took the rest of the day off. He couldn’t concentrate until he’d solved the mystery of Ellie’s disappearance. He wouldn’t be able to concentrate until he knew she was alright.
The squeaky gate heralded his arrival at the Hill Street house and Tilly answered his knock at the door.
‘Ellie isn’t here,’ she said the moment she saw him waiting there.
‘Where is she?’
‘Why do you need to know?’
Ellie must have spilled the beans about his reluctance to have a family. He certainly wasn’t getting his usual warm welcome but he supposed he deserved nothing less. ‘Because I owe her an apology.’ Because I love her.
‘About?’
Tilly was standing in the doorway with her arms crossed in front of her chest. James didn’t want to have to explain himself to her, it was Ellie who needed to hear him, but he knew, by the expression on Tilly’s face, that he wasn’t going to get to Ellie without going through Tilly first. And she wasn’t going to cave in without a very good reason.
‘I said some things to her I didn’t mean. I have things to tell her and I need to do it in person. I need to know where she is.’
‘She’s gone.’
‘Gone?’ His heart plummeted in his chest. ‘Gone where? Why?’
Tilly shrugged. ‘She wanted a break.’
‘Please, Tilly,’ he begged, ‘I need to see her. Do you know where she is?’
‘No,’ she said with a shake of her head. ‘She’s taken her car and gone.’
‘Car?’ James frowned. ‘She doesn’t have a car.’
‘She
inherited some money from her grandmother and she used some of that to buy a car.’
‘When?’ He had no idea about an inheritance and he wondered how many other things he didn’t know about Ellie.
‘Yesterday,’ Tilly sighed. ‘Look, I’ll try to get in touch with her and if she wants to see you I’ll let you know.’ She finally took pity on him.
‘Thanks, I’d appreciate it.’ He took a pen from his pocket and scribbled his mobile number on an old receipt he pulled out of his wallet. ‘Please let me know what she says—even if she doesn’t want to see me,’ he said as he handed her the paper. He hoped she would pass on the message, he hoped Ellie would see him, but either way there was nothing else he could do here.
As he returned to his car he had a sudden flash of insight as to where Ellie might have gone. Was it worth a gamble?
If Tilly convinced Ellie to see him and his hunch was right, he’d be that much closer to her when the call came. It was less than a three-hour trip, he had time, he had nothing but time, and he had nothing to lose.
He jumped into his Jeep and headed south, convinced Ellie would have gone to Goulburn.
Three hours later he was driving aimlessly around Goulburn. What the hell was he going to do now? He hadn’t expected to get to Goulburn without hearing from Ellie. Did this mean she didn’t want to see him? Or hadn’t Tilly been able to contact her?
Had he made a mistake? Another one?
He kept driving, willing his phone to ring, willing Ellie to materialise before him. But there was no guarantee she was even in Goulburn. That had been a whim, an impulse, on his part. Perhaps she wasn’t anywhere near here. And if she was here he had no idea where to start looking. And he had no idea what car to look for either. He should have asked Tilly for that much information at least before he’d taken off on this crazy wild-goose chase.
Did he expect Ellie to be standing in the middle of the street, waiting for him?
What had made him so certain that this was where he’d find her? He was so tired now he couldn’t even remember why he’d jumped to that conclusion.
What would he say to her? He was sorry.
He drove past the sign for St Patrick’s Catholic Cemetery.
What would he say? He needed her in his life.
The Catholic cemetery. He hit the brakes and looked in the mirror at the sign at the cemetery gates. Suddenly everything made sense. Ellie had been taught by the nuns at a Catholic boarding school. She was a Catholic. He’d bet his last dollar her parents were buried here. This was where he’d find her. He turned off the road and drove through the gates. This was where he’d find her. With her family.
What would he say? He loved her.
A car passed him as he drove along the road past neatly tended graves. He glanced at the driver, hoping to see a familiar face, looking for Ellie. The driver had grey hair, a dark shirt and an old face. It was a priest behind the wheel.
He drove further, searching the grounds for Ellie’s familiar figure. He could see a building at the top of a crest, a chapel of some sort. Perhaps he’d have a better view of the cemetery from up there.
Parked beside the chapel was a bright yellow Volkswagen beetle. James stopped his Jeep alongside the little convertible. He stepped out of his car. There wasn’t another soul in sight. He tried the door handle at the chapel’s entrance. It was locked. Had the priest locked it before he’d left? Was the cemetery deserted?
His gaze fell on the yellow Volkswagen. No, someone else was here. He just had to find them.
He walked around the building. The hill sloped gently away from him and he could see rows of headstones stretching into the distance as they guarded the gravesites.
And halfway down the hill sat a girl. She shimmered in the late afternoon sun as the light reflected off her golden hair. His breath caught in his throat. Ellie.
This was his chance. His only chance. He needed to get this right.
He walked down the hill towards her, his steps soft, muffled by the spongy grass. He watched her as he descended the slope. She looked so small and fragile sitting alone surrounded by the vast expanse of the cemetery. Surrounded by the headstones.
He made no sound yet when he was a few paces from her she turned around. He could feel their connection pulling him to her. Could she feel it too? Had she felt him approaching?
‘James!’
Her blue eyes were glistening and the tip of her nose was red. She’d been crying.
His heart froze in his chest. She was here, alone and crying. Had he done this to her?
He took the last two steps to her side and squatted beside her. He gathered her in his arms, a reflex action, to provide comfort. As his arms encircled her he realised what he was doing and he tensed, hoping she wouldn’t push him away. She didn’t. She sank into his embrace.
He relaxed and hugged her tight. ‘Ellie, my darling, what’s wrong?’
She didn’t answer but he thought he knew. She would be remembering her family, feeling their loss, feeling alone.
‘It’s going to be all right,’ he whispered. ‘I’m here, I’ve got you.’ He was going to make sure she never felt alone again.
Her face was nestled into his shoulder and her voice was muffled when she asked. ‘How did you find me?’
He smiled. ‘Goulburn just felt right. I think I’m beginning to understand you but it took me a bit of time to track you down once I got to town. Is it okay that I’m here?’
She nodded. ‘But why are you here?’
James changed position, unable to sustain the squat any longer. He sat on the grass behind Ellie and pulled her between his legs so her back was resting against his chest. ‘Have you spoken to Tilly?’
‘No.’ She shook her head and her hair tickled his chin. ‘My phone is switched off.’
Why was he here? Having her in his arms again had made him lose track of his thoughts.
What had he wanted to say? I’m sorry. I need you. I love you.
‘I came to apologise. Seeing my father again brought back all the old feelings of betrayal and loss and fear of commitment. I got so caught up in the past that I let it interfere with us, with our future. You told me that my father’s behaviour isn’t my responsibility or burden but I’ve carried it with me for such a long time and it’s still influencing my reactions. I was so angry at my father. I thought I’d gotten past all that but obviously I hadn’t and I took it out on you. I didn’t realise what I’d found in you until you’d gone and when I went looking for you you’d disappeared. You have to come back with me, Ellie, I need you.’
‘I’m not sure I can go back.’
What? She had to come back with him. Where else would she go? What else would she do?
‘I need a break,’ she said. ‘It was a mistake to get involved with you. I should have stuck to my rule about no doctors. I need to be away from the ortho ward for a while. I need some space.’
A mistake! No, this wasn’t how it was supposed to be. She was supposed to want him as much as he wanted her. He needed her. He loved her.
He changed position again, moving around to kneel in front of her. He took her hands in his and begged her to talk to him. ‘Tell me what’s wrong. Tell me what I can do to fix this.’
‘I don’t know if you can fix this. We want different things. I’m here trying to sort out what I want. This is about me and what I need. And I need someone who wants the same things as me. This is about me and you but I’m not sure there can be an “us”.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I thought what we shared was enough for me. You made me feel special and safe and I thought that was sufficient. It didn’t matter that we didn’t want the same things. It didn’t matter that you didn’t want to get married or have children. It wasn’t supposed to matter because what we had was only supposed to be temporary. But it does matter. It matters to me because I’ve fallen in love with you.’
‘You love me?’
She nodded and his heart lightened wit
h each movement of her head.
‘But I wasn’t meant to fall in love,’ she said. ‘You were supposed to be a distraction but somewhere, somehow, you’ve gotten inside my heart. You told me that sometimes one person is enough and I wished that were true for me. I wanted it to be true but it’s not. I love you but I still need more. I wish that loving you was enough but all I see now are the things I won’t have with you. I want a family with you but I can’t have that. That’s why I needed to get away. It was a mistake and I have to get over you. I will get over you.’
How could she think loving him was a mistake? Her words repeated in his head. Ellie wanted a family and he was here to offer her that. She stood up but he held onto her hand, he wasn’t letting her go.
‘No, don’t.’ He stood too and moved downhill so he could look her in the eye. ‘This is not a mistake, we are not a mistake. I wanted to be the person you could rely on, the person who would support you and instead I let you down. My history, my past and my stubbornness stopped me from seeing what was important. I haven’t been the man I wanted to be for you but I want to change that. I want to give you what you need. I want to share my life with you. I want to be yours. That’s why I’m here. I want to be your family. My mum, Libby, even Harry if you want, we can all be your family.’
‘Harry?’
‘You were right about him too,’ he admitted. ‘None of this is his fault. I’m willing to meet Harry. I’ll do it for you.’
‘Don’t do it for me. Do it because you want to.’
‘No,’ he said with a shake of his head. ‘I will do it for you because I love you. I need you in my life and if you want me to get to know my brothers, I will. Please listen to me. This connection we have is a once-in-a-lifetime thing. You feel it too, don’t you?’ He searched her eyes, looking for confirmation, even though he knew what he said was true. ‘I love you and I want you to have a family. I want us to be a family.’
