Connected

by A. E. Murphy

  “Because you still deny yourself the chance to be with the person you love, on the grounds of me being Caleb’s brother. Caleb, who is unfortunately deceased. Caleb, who would want you to be happy with the person you choose and you know it.”

  “Love?” I blink in astonishment. “You think I love you?” I do, of course I do, but not in that way. Doesn’t he know that?

  He looks at me, his eyes wary. “You don’t?”

  “No.” Oh shit, why’d I have to say it like that? “I mean… not in that way.”

  “In what way?”

  Good question, “I don’t know.”

  “Tell me, because you love Tommy right? And you don’t let him touch you the way you let me touch you.” He smiles smugly, but it falls at his own words. “Do you?”

  Ewww. “No! Of course not.”

  “Then explain what kind of love it is you have for me. It’s definitely not brotherly, not the kind of love you’d have for me if Caleb were alive.” This is also true. “So what is it?”

  “It’s not enough!” I shout, my hands fisting by my sides. “It’s not enough.” I say softer this time.

  “I’m not?”

  “No, you are, but you’re just… it won’t work.”

  He laughs coldly. “You haven’t tried.”

  “I can’t look at you and not think of him!” I yell, my hand pointing to the picture on my nightstand. “And what you’re proposing is just too weird for me to fathom.”

  “You’ll get used to it.” He grabs me, one hand on my cheek and the other on my shoulder. “We’ll get used to it together. Just try.”

  “I can’t.” I snap. Why won’t he stop pushing?

  “Tell me why!” He’s looking as angry and as irritated as I feel.

  “Because I will never love you as much as I loved him!”

  He rolls his eyes. “You’ll love me a different way. It’ll take time, but I’m willing to wait.” His hands go to my hips and pull me into him. “You’re already halfway there. Let me help you the rest of the way.”

  “Stop it.” I try to shove against his chest, but he doesn’t let me. “Let me go.”

  “Stop trying to pull away. Your excuses are feeble and you know it. Why won’t you let yourself be happy? Who cares that I’m his brother? You can’t help who you fall in love with.”

  I want to kick him. Why won’t he stop? “I’m not in love with you.”

  “That’s rubbish.” He grits out, pressing me into the door. “I don’t believe you. You’re running out of excuses.”

  “I don’t want to be with you. It’s weird.”

  “Another lie. Keep going. I want to keep ticking them off of the mental list in my head.” He presses his forehead to mine, his eyes shining with determination. “You want me; I know you do. You crave me almost as much as I crave you.”

  “Shut up.” I plead, still pushing at him.

  “Just admit it. We can date, take it at your speed. I’ll be patient; I won’t push you. You’ve got no excuse, just…”

  “I promised him.” I shout, slamming my hands against his chest, my chest heaving and my body sagging. “I promised him I’d stay away from you.”

  This time he does let me go. He takes two staggering steps backwards. “What?”

  “He made me swear.” I explain, my eyes burning as they look into Nathan’s. “And I swore that I wouldn’t.”

  Nathan nods, his tongue and teeth worrying his lower lip. “He made you swear?”

  “Yes.”

  “And what did he say exactly?” His voice is a growl, one that tells me if Caleb were alive, he wouldn’t be for much longer.

  Does he really need to know the specifics? “I don’t remember exactly what was said. Just that I made him a promise and I’m not going to break it.”

  “Fine.” His voice is no longer a growl, but deceptively calm. “I should go.”

  “Nathan.” I reach for him, his blank face hitting me deeper than it would if it weren’t blank. When it is blank, it tells me he’s hiding his feelings, and when he’s hiding them, he’s dealing with them alone. He’s done enough of that in his life. “We can be friends.”

  He laughs coldly like he did earlier and moves away from my reaching hand. “Friends? Gwen, I have no interest in having friends. Nor did I ever have an interest in having a girlfriend until you came along.”

  “Nathan…”

  “Do you honestly wish to torment me in such a way? Knowing how I feel? Knowing that I know how you feel? Yet you’ll allow me, as your friend, to see you with another man. I never knew you to be so cruel.”

  Great, the formal talk is back out. “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s fine.” He spits. “I lost you once already. I can deal with it again.”

  “And what about Dillan?” I shouldn’t ask, but I need to know.

  “I…” He closes his mouth and looks over at the cot where Dillan lies peacefully sleeping. “I don’t know. I’ll be in touch.”

  He nods his head, telling me to move out of the way. I do so and watch as he pulls open the door. He stops in the frame, his shoulders tense. I wait for him to speak. “If only you knew what kind of man my brother was, you wouldn’t be so quick to turn me away.”

  “What?” I charge after him. “What is that supposed to mean?”

  He continues forward, opening the front door without speaking a word before slamming it shut behind him. My hair whips across my face with the draft formed by the power of the slam. I stare at the door for a long while. What did he mean? Caleb was perfect. He never did anything wrong, not to me.

  Did he?

  CHAPTER NINE

  “Hey, are you listening?” Eric throws a cheesy puff at me and it bounces off my forehead. “You’re proper spacing out on me this morning.”

  I blink myself from my thoughts and give him a weak smile. “Sorry, I’ve just got a lot on my mind.”

  He slides closer to me and puts his arm around my shoulders. “It’s cool. You space out; I’ll just stare at you.”

  Giggle.

  “So, what has you spacing out?”

  Wince. “It’s a long story.”

  “I have time.” He checks his watch. “So do you.”

  This is true. “My mum will be back with Dillan soon.”

  “Good, I want to meet him.” I open my mouth to argue, but he cuts me off. “I think it’s time.”

  “What?” I laugh incredulously. “We’re not serious or anything. We haven’t even kissed yet.”

  He grins wickedly. “I could change that, right now.”

  Using my hand flat on his face, my palm over his comically puckered lips, I push him away. “You’ve been eating cheesy puffs for breakfast. I think I’ll pass.”

  He throws his head back and laughs, then his eyes come to me. “Now I have to kiss you.”

  “You really don’t.” I scoot away but he moves closer. “Stop.”

  “You’re laughing, which means you’re not serious.”

  My phone rings, effectively cutting off my laughter and his shoving. “Hello?”

  “Did you pay off my credit card this morning? I forgot to ask and you were in a foul mood when I woke up.” My mum asks.

  “Hello to you too.” I joke.

  “Well, after the grunts I got from you when I woke at noon, I wasn’t sure whether or not I should get straight to the point or try for nice.”

  “Yes Mum, I paid your card off for you. Are you bringing Dillan back soon?”

  “Is Eric still there?”

  I glance at him and respond. “Yes, he’s still here. He wants to meet him.”

  “Okay, we’ll be home in about half an hour.” She pauses for a moment. “You made your decision then?”

  “Mum…”

  “I’ll take that as a no.”

  “I made it; it’s settled. I’m hanging up now.”

  I hear her sigh before the line goes dead and turn to Eric, who immediately asks. “Settled?”

  “It’s nothing.”
I smile and stretch my arms above my head. “Do you need something to wash that crap down with?”

  “Something sugary. Preferably coke.” He smiles and shows me his white teeth. “Reckon I’ll still have these when I’m thirty?”

  “You’re not thirty?” I jest, earning me a slap on my arse as I walk by. I ignore the fact that his hand lingers and squeezes for a moment and scurry to the kitchen to make drinks.

  As soon as my mum walks in, she hands Dillan to me and goes upstairs, no doubt giving us our privacy. I feel slightly nervous as I step into the room, cooing at my little man. What will Eric think? Will he run for the hills? Will he be all weird and distant?

  There’s only one way to find out. “Eric, meet Dillan. Dillan, meet Eric.” Then I pray that he doesn’t puke on the shiny man on the sofa.

  “Well he’s very handsome.” Eric grins as I sit beside him with Dillan balancing on my knees. Dillan smiles at Eric, followed by a few gurgling noises and a slight giggle. “He also finds me funny. This is good. If he’d screamed at me I may have cried and hid behind the sofa.”

  I laugh. “What?”

  “That’s what I did when my litter sister was brought home. She screamed at me. I cried and hid behind the sofa.”

  “You really aren’t normal, are you?”

  He scratches his head and grins. “I was afraid you’d figure that out.”

  “Want to hold him?”

  He thinks about it for a moment before nervously holding out his hands. I slide Dillan from my knee to his, where Eric tentatively reaches for him and holds him under his arms with his fingers splayed across his back. “This isn’t so bad. I was worried.” Dillan smiles as he usually does. “He doesn’t look like you much.”

  “I know.” I run my fingers over the fuzz on my little boy’s head. “He looks like his dad. Same easy smile, same eyes.”

  “I’ve seen his picture in your room. I definitely see the resemblance.” He winks at me and nudges me with his elbow. “What do I do now?”

  Dillan answers for him, grabbing the bottom of his top with his tiny fist and pulling it to his mouth. I sigh and tug it away. He only goes for the sleeve of his top this time, bending his body forward so his mouth can reach. “He’ll be teething soon. Keep hold of him for a second; I need to grab his teething ring before he chews a hole through whatever part of you he can reach.”

  “We don’t mind, do we buddy?” Eric coos in a baby voice, causing me to lift a brow. He looks at me defensively. “What? I like babies.”

  Eric left ten minutes ago, after staying for lunch and dinner. It’s kind of lucky that Nathan did leave yesterday, seeing as Eric showed up on my doorstep this afternoon without warning. Mum was out with Dillan by this point; she likes going for a walk when she wakes up and usually takes him with her.

  At least now I can wallow in peace. I don’t think I handled yesterday very well. Not at all. My emotions are all over the place.

  Nathan isn’t right for me, but what he said was right.

  I do love him. I know that.

  I just don’t love him like he loves me, or like he thinks he loves me.

  No, he definitely loves me; that much is obvious. I’ve been a fool. A complete and total idiot.

  I can’t believe after he told me he loved me, straight out, no pretences, I asked him to be my friend. What the hell is wrong with me? Am I really that selfish?

  Apparently so.

  I want to say that I’m sorry. I want to take it back, but I can’t, because it won’t change. Nothing will. It’s not fair on him if I do that.

  It’s not right.

  Eric is right. He’s new, he’s uncomplicated and he respects me… so far anyway. Gah.

  But Nathan... well… he’s Nathan.

  Caleb begged me to stay away from him. I already broke that, but I didn’t have a choice. Why would he ask that of me? It makes no sense.

  Is that really the reason I’m not with Nathan right now? I heard the words come out of my mouth and I felt them as I said them, but before now it’s never been an issue.

  Or maybe it has.

  “I’m coming.” I say to my crying little boy, who is no longer happy in his swinging chair.

  He doesn’t stop when I pick him up. He’s grumpy and tired and no doubt a little bit hungry.

  I have a feeling this is going to be a long night.

  ******

  “You look dead on your feet.” Valentine clucks at me, her face a mask of concern.

  “Rough night.” I reply, placing the large tray of cinnamon bagels in the oven.

  “Dillan?” I nod in response. “Sip a bit of brandy before you feed him at night. It’ll wipe him out.”

  “It’s not the nineteen twenties anymore, or whatever year it was that drinking alcohol whilst breastfeeding was acceptable.” Elle calls on a laugh.

  “How does she hear us?” I whisper, eyeing the open doorway to the kitchen suspiciously.

  Valentine just shrugs and moves away. “She’s a special girl.”

  “You’ve got a visitor.” Elle calls and Valentine grins and rushes to the door. “Not you. I’m talking to Gwen.”

  The old woman huffs and stomps past me, throwing a dishrag on the side as she goes. Giggling, I step into the main area and smile at Eric, “Is it lunch time already?”

  “Holy crap!” He blinks, looking me up and down. “I was expecting Casper, not the Jammerwocky.”

  “The what?” I laugh, looking myself up and down.

  “You know, the Jabberwocky? But with jam, because you’re covered in the stuff.”

  “Hello to you too.” I grin, ducking under the counter after throwing my apron onto the side.

  He cups my cheeks with his hands and gently butts his forehead against mine. I start laughing. What the hell was that? “Hey.”

  “What was that?”

  “A butt greet.”

  “I don’t get it.” Elle shouts, though her shouting isn’t necessary. We’re no more than ten feet away from her.

  “We haven’t kissed yet.” Eric says by way of explanation. It goes straight over our heads. He sighs and continues. “How else am I supposed to greet her? If I hug her, I’m covered in jam, because we all know that apron is useless when it comes to Gwen.”

  “You could have just shaken her hand.” Valentine shouts from the kitchen.

  Elle looks at me with wide eyes. “How the hell does she hear us?”

  They really don’t know how funny they are.

  I pull Eric to the nearest table and sit. My aching feet appreciate it. A loud and unattractive yawn escapes me.

  “Tired?”

  “Hmm.” I rest my head on my folded arms. “Exhausted. It happens when you only sleep for two hours.”

  “Dillan? He was getting cranky before I left. Maybe he missed me.”

  Or he sensed my mood. “Yeah, possibly.”

  Eric plays with the side of my hair. It feels good until I realise he’s actually picking out sesame seeds. “Do you swim in baking ingredients back there?”

  “Shut it.” I stick my tongue out at him and close my eyes for a moment. “What do you want for lunch? Tell Elle, she’ll grab it for you.”

  “There goes my something special.” Eric jokes, still picking sesame seeds from my hair. “They just keep appearing!”

  Peeking open one eye, I stare up at the handsome man who looks like a monkey picking bugs from its partner. Normally I’d shy away from such a ridiculous display, but right now I’m too tired. My eyes close again and unfortunately I don’t realise I’ve fallen asleep until I feel Elle stab me up the nose with a drinking straw and almost punch Eric in the face.

  “Take her home, I can manage today.” Valentine says, waving her hand at Eric. “Go on, before I change my mind.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Go on, be in tomorrow an hour early. You can help me prep.”

  “Okay.” I can sleep! Sweet happy times.

  Eric leads me to his car. I laugh when he places a t
owel over the seat and helps me in. guarding his car from my messy clothes.

  “That’s the first time you’ve helped me into a car and it wasn’t for me, it was for your car.” I point out, making his cheeks pink slightly.

  “You have arms; you can open the car door yourself.” He puts the car in gear and pulls out into the street. “We’re going to my place, if that’s okay? You can shower there.”

  Blink. Shower there? “I don’t really…”

  “Please? You’ve never seen my place before.” When he asks so nicely, how can I say no?

  It’s only a fifteen minute drive and five minutes of that was down to traffic congestion. His house is small, I can see that already, but it’s very cute - a terraced house in between two houses that don’t look to be in great condition. The painted bricks are flaking very unattractively. Eric’s house is lovely though. Either he or his landlord keep up with the work.

  The inside is as expected, plain apart from the few pictures on the walls of friends and family. “Welcome to my humble abode. Follow me.”

  I follow him up the steep, narrow staircase and onto the landing. We enter a bathroom and he immediately hands two large, fluffy, white bath towels to me. “I’ll fetch you something to wear. Take your time.”

  “I really do need to sleep.” I say, not liking how pushy he’s being. “Maybe I should just…”

  “Babe.” He cups my cheeks with his hands. “You’re fine. Have a shower. I’ll make you something to eat, give you a quick tour and then you can sleep.”

  “Where?”

  “I do have a bed.” His smile is full of mischief. I don’t like it much. He rolls his eyes on a sigh. “I don’t mean it like that. Go on, let me look after you this once.”

  Sigh.

  He leaves the room and I lock the door.

  The shower takes me a while as it took me forever to figure out how to work it. It’s linked to the taps, so you have to adjust both of them to get the desired temperature; shift one a fraction too far and the water is too hot or too cold.

  Once I’m done, I wrap up in a large towel, running a comb through my wet hair, and grab the boxers and T-shirt that are neatly folded on the ground outside the door.