Connected

by A. E. Murphy

  “Get out,” I bite, closing my eyes to try and rid them of the red haze.

  Nathan blinks, not seeming to understand what I’ve done any more than I can believe that I’ve done it. “Gwen…”

  “No,” I hiss, holding up my hand to stop him from making any move towards me. “He didn’t deserve that at all. We could have parted ways as friends. He wouldn’t have to know I left him for somebody else.”

  “You were hardly with him,” he scoffs, wiping his face on his shirt.

  “No, you’re right, but he always treated me with respect. He didn’t deserve that in the slightest!”

  “You wouldn’t have done it otherwise. You were making plans for Monday!”

  “I told him I’d let him know and we had plans to see each other tonight, you idiot! I was going to do it then!”

  “Well… it’s done,” he shrugs, clearly not seeing why I’m so angry, and tosses his damp newspaper in the bin. “You need to get ready for work. We’re sorting out our new home before you go in, remember?”

  Is he for real? “You really don’t care do you?”

  “About…”

  “That you just stomped on him like he was nothing and totally disrespected my wishes.”

  He leans back, running his tongue over his lower lip before speaking. “He had his hands all over you.”

  “Because he thought I was his!” I shout and take a deep breath to calm myself.

  “Yes, and whose fault is that?”

  His snarky attitude makes me want to poke him in the eye.

  “You had no right to interfere.”

  “I’m your boyfriend,” he laughs in disbelief. “I had every right to interfere.”

  “You promised me you’d give me until Friday.”

  His smile is smug, much like it was earlier when he was speaking to Eric. “Yes and it’s Friday. I didn’t specify a time. Can you go and get ready now?”

  “Not until you apologise.” I watch him stand once more and look down at his shirt, which is almost see through with the amount of water that has soaked the cotton.

  “Why should I apologise? You’re the one who threw water at me!”

  “You’ve ruined my reputation. He’s going to tell everyone and I’m going to look like a harlot.”

  “Then maybe you shouldn’t have dated two men at the same time.” He says this with a tone so calm yet cold, I lose it and shout,

  “Or maybe I shouldn’t have fucked my fiancé’s brother!”

  He releases a choked gasp and looks at me like I’m an alien, like he doesn’t know me at all. The pain in his eyes shoots into me and tears instantly blur my eyes. “I didn’t mean that.”

  “Yes you did,” he says, grabbing his suit jacket from the back of the chair.

  Part of me wants to go after him when he walks away just like Eric did, but the rest of me is far too angry at what just happened.

  “Well… that went well,” my mum says, cringing openly. “Are you going after him?”

  I shake my head.

  “You should. That was mean and not like you at all.”

  “You always take his side,” I snap bitterly, strolling past her with my chin raised. “I’m not wrong this time.”

  “And what he did was no better. I heard. I know it was mean and Eric didn’t deserve that, but he’s a man and he loves you. He doesn’t want to lose you and he has been patient enough.”

  I growl and rest my forehead against the wall in the hallway. “Stop being right when I’m mad.”

  She laughs and places her hand on my shoulder. “You’ve been through a lot and you’re still growing up. He’ll understand.”

  “I’m not apologising.”

  She nods her head and thinks on it for a moment. “Sometimes apologies aren’t necessary.”

  “Poor Eric.”

  “He’s a handsome boy. He’ll have moved on in a few days. Don’t give yourself too much credit.” I should be offended, but I can see she’s joking. About the last part at least, the first part is most definitely true. “Go after Nathan before it gets out of hand.”

  I don’t want to. I ignore her suggestion and make my way upstairs. No way in hell am I chasing him, especially not now. I need to calm down first.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Nathan hasn’t contacted me all weekend and I don’t blame him. Eric doesn’t either and I have to admit, I’m kind of relieved that I don’t have to face what I’ve done.

  I’ve been an idiot.

  I stare at myself in the mirror, mostly at the bags under my eyes from lack of sleep and indecision. This is all my fault. What the hell happened to that fun loving girl who’d laugh at everything?

  She died with Caleb, my subconscious tells me and I can’t help but agree.

  I can’t go on like this, I need to get her back. I’m making everyone around me miserable and it feels awful. I used to live to make people laugh, smile and feel at ease around me.

  Damn you, Caleb. I could kill you if you were still alive.

  Tiffany thinks I just need more time; she could be right.

  Sasha thinks I need to drag myself out of this funk immediately or I’ll be lost to the devil of despair forever. She could be right too.

  My mum thinks I should go away for a while. Take a holiday, so to speak. She could be right too.

  I think I should find Nathan, hold him tight and forget the world, but I’ve hidden behind him for long enough.

  “Tell me what to do!” I shout to nobody, standing in the middle of my bedroom. “Tell me how to get past this,” I whisper, feeling a tear slide down my nose.

  I hear a thud and squeal in surprise. Scanning the room for wherever the noise came from, I see no suspects, not until I glance at the floor under my desk and see the DVD case that I hid a while ago.

  My fingers tremble as I reach down and pick it up. Talk about timing. I should find a new hiding place for it.

  For some reason I can’t release it. I can’t find a place good enough for it and something screams at me in my mind to watch it.

  I don’t want to watch it. Not again.

  But the titles make no sense.

  After a few torturous moments of indecision, I open the case and spin the DVD around its axis with one finger. Why am I doing this?

  What will this prove?

  Nothing. But it can’t hurt anything either.

  Blowing out a breath, I carefully remove the DVD from the case and, with nausea threatening to turn violent, I place it in the DVD slot of my laptop.

  I fast forward to the place I was last time as soon as it opens on my desktop.

  Why the hell am I doing this?

  I press play and turn the volume down low. I can’t bear to hear Nathan cry.

  Tears automatically spring to my eyes at only the memories of the horrors I saw the last time I watched this.

  I fast forward it past the part where Nathan’s grandfather cleans him up, threatening and soothing him all at the same time. He seems to leave the camera hanging around his neck. A beep sounds and I realise that instead of stopping the camera from recording, he’s taken a picture.

  I skip it past the long walk home, trying not to let Nathan’s sobs get to me, which is entirely impossible.

  “Fuck,” is the first word I hear, only ten more minutes into the movie. “Fuck.” I recognise the gravel under his feet to be the driveway. “What the fuck are you doing here?” There’s no fear in his voice, only anger.

  “I came to pick up Nathan. His mother is back early from her trip to France and wishes to see him.”

  Is that…

  Holy crap!

  I return the DVD to its box ten minutes later with tears streaming down my face and a heart that beats so rapidly in my chest, I swear it’s going to fail.

  Taping it to the underside of a drawer this time, I curl up on my bed and cry silent tears. Does Nathan know? No… I don’t think he does. Which makes this so much more sick and twisted.

  Why did I watch? Why couldn
’t I have left myself oblivious?

  “Now what do I do?” I whisper, my voice breaking with my sorrow.

  You leave it and you help Nathan move on. You take care of him. Just like he’s done for you. My conscience tells me and for once I agree with it.

  But first, I need to calm down.

  Gwen: Drinks later?

  Sasha: On a Monday??? Hell yeah!

  I feel bad for leaving Dillan. We had a good weekend, despite my constant sulk with the world. I really need to stop feeling sorry for myself. The situation isn’t going to change. Caleb isn’t coming back and that’s that. I find myself thinking about our time together with a smile rather than tears. This is definitely an improvement.

  Mum doesn’t seem to mind. She’s having a night in with George, who, I have to admit, is lovely and strikingly handsome. He’s also a police officer. My mum met him when he apologised for knocking her out of the way while chasing a thief down the high street. He’s charming, funny and he’s completely different to the men she’s brought home in the past.

  I like him, but she doesn’t need my approval, although she seems to want it.

  Kissing my little boy’s fuzzy head, I give my mum a wave and meet Sasha at the door.

  “You look hot,” she grins, scanning me from head to toe. I tug on the bottom of my cream netted dress and repeat the same to her. She does look hot, as usual. I wish I had her style and her wardrobe. “Just you and me tonight. You look like you need some girl on girl time.”

  I blink, laughing at her slip up.

  “You know what I mean.” She giggles with me, slapping my arm. “Shots first?”

  “Hell yeah.” The thought of alcohol makes me feel sick, but I need to start living again if I want to improve. Alcohol first, then I can move on to less self-destructive things that don’t take me away from my son. Fingers crossed this works.

  We squeeze our way to the bar and Sasha, not that it’s a surprise, orders four shots. I stare at the pee coloured fluid in the shot glasses and cringe as I pick one up.

  “Let’s get this party started!” She grins, winking at the guy working behind the bar.

  On three… one, two… three.

  I tip my head back and swallow the sour fluid. Unfortunately it tries to escape and makes me gag. Sasha doesn’t give me time to recover before she’s forcing me to drink the next and is handing me a glass of coke to chase it down.

  “That’s my girl,” she laughs, patting me on the back and ordering drinks that don’t require immediate consumption.

  “You’re a bad influence.”

  “And you’ve become a hermit. Let’s party.”

  I follow her onto the dance floor and stand awkwardly as she moves around me, trying to coax me into moving with her. This was a really bad idea.

  “Hey, I never did say I was sorry for our last conversation,” she shouts into my ear, forgetting that even though the beat of the music is extremely loud, I’m not drunk and therefore my hearing is not impaired.

  “It’s fine,” I respond, shouting back so she knows how it feels. “I swear, it’s over with.”

  She smiles gratefully and then smiles at someone over my shoulder. I look back and smile with her.

  “Surprise,” Tommy laughs, wrapping me in his big arms.

  “Oh my god,” I squeal and hold him as tight as possible.

  My gang, back together.

  “Can I get you ladies a drink?”

  Need he ask?

  ******

  “It won’t stop,” I cry, heaving again and cringing at the sound of the splatter on the pavement. “Why won’t it stop?”

  “UNDERNEATH YOUR CLOTHES, THERE’S A… what’s next?” Sasha slurs, dancing around my puking form.

  “Cock!” Tommy responds, going as far as to grab his package in the middle of the street.

  My head spins and swims, my eyes trying to focus on anything, but they fail miserably and I stagger two steps to the side. “I need to go home.”

  “I need to dance!” Sasha giggles, still dancing around me.

  “I need to fuck.” Tommy laughs, grabbing hold of a very drunk Sasha around the waist.

  “Awkward,” I say in a sing song voice and take a few steps towards the nearest wall. My legs don’t appreciate the demands my brain is making and I fall to the floor in a laughing heap. “Oh my god. Why did I drink so much? I’m going to be so hung over tomorrow.”

  “Can you understand what she’s saying?” Tommy asks Sasha, who is grinding against him playfully.

  “Something about not drinking enough.” Her eyes light up. “More shots!”

  I pull out my phone. I need to call a taxi. Oh dear, six missed calls.

  My phone screen lights up as another call comes through and I answer. “Call me back, I need to get a taxi.”

  “Where are you?”

  It’s Nathan! “Guys, Nathan’s on the phone!”

  “Tell him to bring shots!”

  “Gwen,” he snaps. His voice hurts my ear. “Where are you?”

  “I’ll… oops.”

  Sasha starts cackling and grabs me by the arm, pulling me from the ground once more.

  “Hello? Is anyone there?” I hear Nathan’s voice travel through the speaker.

  “Yes,” I say, laughing when I realise the phone is upside down. “Sorry, I fell over.”

  “Again!” Sasha cackles, looping her arm through mine. “Are you coming out, Nathan?”

  “Where are you?” He demands angrily.

  “You’re so cute when you’re mad.”

  “Gwen, so help me god, if you don’t tell me where you are right this minute…”

  “I’m on the high street, I think.” I look at the blurred street name, tilting my head from side to side, trying to see the words but not managing it in the slightest. “Yeah.”

  Oh dear. I drop my phone and my bag and lean over a wall.

  Splat.

  I don’t feel well Mummy.

  “We need to get her home.” Sasha picks up my bag and clumsily rubs my back.

  “Did you call a taxi?” Tommy asks, wrapping his arm around my waist as I finish vomiting.

  “Shit, where’s my phone?”

  “In your bag.”

  Before I can grab it, we’re stuck in bright headlights as a car clumsily pulls onto the pavement. We all scream like lunatics and I end up on my arse again, this time with Sasha on top of me. She starts laughing, Tommy tries pulling us up and I decide to lie down for a second.

  A car door slams and I’m vaguely aware of Sasha’s weight leaving me and warm hands cupping my face. “How much did she drink?”

  “Hi.” I smile at Nathan, giggling when I see his frown.

  “No more than us.” Tommy shrugs, taking hold of Sasha.

  “Get in the car.” Nathan orders the both of them.

  “Nah, it’s cool, we only live on the next street.”

  Nathan crouches beside me and expertly lifts me into his arms.

  “I’m flying.” Throwing my arms out, my hand connects with Nathan’s cheek. “I’m sorry.”

  He doesn’t talk, only carries me to his car and places me on the passenger seat.

  Sasha and Tommy climb into the back when Nathan orders them to get in and sit sniggering under their breaths as I roll my head from side to side. Kicking my shoes off my aching feet, I turn my body to the side and place my feet over Nathan’s lap.

  “Guess what I did,” I try to say, but it sounds like one jumbled word.

  “Close your eyes.” Nathan places his hand on my thigh and starts driving.

  He looks so handsome.

  He throws me a smile, his cheeks turning slightly pink and I realise I must have said that out loud.

  “Gwen got called a bitch today,” Sasha says, leaning between the two front seats. “Eric was out with his friends and they were not nice at all.”

  Yeah, that part of the night really wasn’t much fun. I’d tried to smile at him and avoid him as best as I could, but his
male friends kept making rude comments whenever they saw me. We left that club and went to another.

  “And slut, don’t forget slut,” I add, closing my eyes tight to shut out the glare of the street lights.

  “We’re here,” Nathan clips, climbing out of the car so he can open the door for Sasha.

  After hugs goodbye, we wait by the curb until Sasha and Tommy enter his house. Or his parent’s house. Whichever.

  Nathan pulls my feet back onto his lap and silently drives us home. To whose home? I wonder.

  His.

  As soon as he opens the passenger side door, I immediately raise my arms and wrap them around his neck. He kisses my shoulder and holds me with one arm as he unlocks the front door.

  I smell paint; it’s making me feel ill.

  He immediately begins to ascend the stairs and just as I expect to feel a soft bed beneath me, I feel a counter and blink my eyes open.

  Nathan smiles softly at me, a sigh escaping him as he shakes his head. “You’re a mess.”

  “Thanks.” I snort.

  “Arms up,” he whispers and I do as I’m told.

  He tugs my dress up and over my head, throwing it over his shoulder without a thought. One of his hands immediately goes to my neck as I begin to fall to the side. So tired.

  “Open your mouth.”

  I taste mint and feel a toothbrush working its way over my teeth.

  “Stand.” He grabs me under the arms and pulls me to my feet. “Rinse and spit.” His lips touch the curve of my neck. “Good girl.”

  “I think I drank too much.”

  “I think so too.” His fingers wrap around me and my bra pings free, best feeling ever. He throws that over his shoulder too before peeling down my thong and sitting me back on the closed toilet.

  My heavy eyelids begin to close as he swiftly disrobes himself. I want to watch, but I’m so tired.

  “Don’t fall asleep yet,” he laughs, lifting me from the toilet and into his arms. I hear the sound of water running and cringe. Why do I have to shower? I just want to sleep.