Connected

by A. E. Murphy

  “This is the first time I’ve had the chance to see you naked and I can’t open my eyes.”

  Chuckling, he places me under the warm spray and holds me tight to his nude body. Well… almost nude. Why is he wearing boxers?

  Soapy hands move over my body as I lean back onto the wall.

  “You have the most amazing body I’ve ever seen in my life,” Nathan says as his hands cup my breasts and squeeze gently. “I could worship you with my hands for hours.”

  He continues stroking me, his soapy hands gliding over every inch of my skin. When one of them parts my folds and a finger slides over my clit, I groan loudly and my back arches. “Make me come, Nathan.”

  His mouth meets mine as his middle finger pushes into me. “With pleasure.”

  I gasp and writhe as he rubs the heel of his palm against my sensitive nub, the hot water cascading down over both of us. His finger rubs the inner wall, pulling at the magic spot in my sex that sends waves of euphoria through my muscles.

  “I’ve never done this before,” he whispers in my ear, taking the lobe into his mouth and nipping it gently. A shudder wracks through me. “You’re the first. You feel amazing. So warm and wet. I never understood the appeal until now.”

  He presses his arousal against my hip as I push my tongue into his mouth and smooth my hands over his chest.

  Using his free hand, he lifts my leg and holds it around his waist so his hand has more room to move.

  I’ve never felt anything like it. For a man that’s never done this before, he really knows what he’s doing.

  “Tell me you love me,” he murmurs in my ear as the pressure builds in my stomach, making me grind against his hand and beg for more.

  “I love you,” I cry, reaching for the waist band of his boxers. He gasps and pushes his hips into me to stop me from going further.

  My body seems to implode, my drunken haze numbing everything but the intense pleasure that rips through me and settles in my womb. “Nathan,” I moan breathily, my orgasm silent apart from his name passing my lips.

  “Tell me you love me,” he repeats, his hand leaving me and his solid length pressing against my mound.

  “I love you.”

  “Again,” he demands, his eyes closing tight before his face goes to my neck.

  “I love you.”

  He grinds almost violently against me, his breath heavy and deep moans forcing their way out. “I can’t stop.”

  “Then don’t,” I insist, wrapping my arms around him. “Let me feel you.”

  A choked sound escapes him. It’s closer to a sob than a groan of pleasure.

  “Please, Nathan, let me feel you.”

  “Tell me you love me,” he orders, pressing me further into the wall and grabbing the back of my hair almost violently. His body tightens, every single muscle that he owns seem to bunch and quiver. He’s going to orgasm. I need to see.

  My eyes open and my hand pulls his face from my neck. I press my lips to his, smoothing my fingers over every inch of skin I can reach before finally trailing them down his back and cupping his amazing arse. “I love you.”

  “I can’t stop,” he bites out, his hips working against me furiously.

  Another climax hits me. There was no build up, no warning. I cry out and it takes everything in me to remain standing.

  “Tell me to stop,” he begs. “Tell me…”

  I don’t, of course I don’t. Instead, I push back against him with my own hips; circling them slowly and putting as much pressure on him as I possibly can.

  “Let me feel you,” I whisper against his mouth. “I want to feel you inside of me, all of you.”

  As if I’ve grabbed a bucket of ice and thrown it at him, he lunges back, making me tumble to the side and hit the adjacent wall of the shower. Ouch.

  “I…” He says, his mouth hanging open in shock and disgust, but somehow I know that the disgust he feels is aimed at himself. Shaking his head, he steps out of the shower. Moments later I feel it turn off and I wait for his return. He doesn’t.

  I drunkenly stagger from room to room, wrapped in nothing but a towel. It’s not until I check the driveway and see the lack of car that I realise he’s gone.

  Maybe he’ll come back. I pull on one of his T-shirts and, after braiding my hair, I climb into his soft bed and close my eyes.

  Damaged is the only word that comes to mind when I think of Nathan before I sleep.

  I have no idea how to fix him.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  I go home as soon as I wake, wearing nothing but Nathan’s boxers and one of his shirts. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve gone home like this, except the last time it was in Eric’s clothing. My neighbours must think I’m such a slut.

  Fortunately my hangover isn’t too bad and my mum isn’t angry at me for staying out all night when I tell her where I was and explain why I was there. She doesn’t ask questions, only hands me my son and makes me an instant cappuccino, which is the only hot drink she can make successfully. And that’s only because it’s in a sachet and all she has to do is add water.

  Dillan chews on my collarbone as I charge my phone and power it up. He seems content to do that for a while, so I leave him to it.

  Sasha: Hey, are you awake? I’m on my way over.

  Gwen: I’m up and I’m shocked that you’re up.

  Sasha: I have so much to tell you!!!! :D

  Gwen: I unfortunately have nothing to tell you.

  Sasha: I’ll be there in five. Hungry?

  Gwen: I could eat.

  Five minutes later she’s still not here, which means she’s picking up food from somewhere. My phone alerts me to another text. I have to blink a few times to make sure I haven’t read his name and message wrong.

  Eric: I’m sorry about last night, whatever happened with us, you didn’t deserve that.

  Gwen: I did. I’m sorry for messing you around.

  He doesn’t respond, but I don’t expect him to. At least we’re at some sort of impasse. Hopefully we can both put it behind us.

  Now I need to contact Nathan. His phone is off. It’s probably dead.

  Gwen: Call me. X

  I hope he’s okay.

  Sasha arrives a few minutes later, looking rough and still wearing the same dress from the night before, but with a shirt over the top. Tommy follows close behind, a bag of food in his hand.

  He leans forward and kisses my cheek. I trade my son for the food and I lay it out on the table as they both make Dillan smile and giggle.

  “Last night was fun,” Tommy announces as we fill our plates. Dillan sits beside me in his bouncer.

  “I barely remember it,” I lie. I definitely wish I’d forgotten how drunk I was, how many times I fell over and how many times I vomited.

  Sasha giggles and decides to give me the play by play. Great. Now I’m definitely never going to forget. “Shall we go to the park after breakfast? I feel like going to the park.”

  I shake my head. “I can’t, I’ve got plans with Nathan.” Another lie, but one I so desperately need to be true. I really need to talk to him.

  “That’s a shame.” Tommy murmurs. “Tomorrow?”

  I nod in agreement. “Tomorrow sounds good. So, you have lots to tell me?”

  “I did, but I can’t…” She trails off, her cheeks turning pink.

  Tommy gives me a wink. “It’s because I’m here and she can’t tell you because it’s about me.”

  “Oh.” I frown in confusion and then it clicks. “Oh my god! You’re seeing each other?”

  Sasha shrugs, trying for nonchalance, but she can’t hide the smile on her face, no matter how hard she tries.

  Tommy just leans back, looking proud and slightly smug. He also looks like he just got himself a little somethin’ somethin’, as he used to call it back in university.

  “I’m happy for you guys.” I put my little finger and thumb to my mouth and ear, mimicking a phone and mime the words “Call me later” to Sasha, who nods eagerly. />
  We eat breakfast in a happy atmosphere. Mum joins us, which is nice, and tells Sasha all about her new flame. During this time I text Nathan three times, begging him to call me, but I get no response. Why can’t things be simple?

  Oh yeah… because I made them that way.

  I’ve really messed up everything.

  At least last night put things into perspective for me.

  Sasha and Tommy both leave after an hour and I make myself pretty and get Dillan ready to leave. Maybe Nathan is home by now. It’s worth checking. I really need to tell him how sorry I am and pray that he gives me another chance. I can’t lose him. It’s time to put Caleb to rest.

  With the stroller moving ahead of me, I make my way up Nathan’s driveway and sigh with relief when I see his car there. He’s leaving the house and locking the door as I make it to his car. Is he going somewhere?

  “Hi,” I say nervously, flicking the brakes on the pram so it doesn’t roll down the sloped driveway.

  Nathan startles and turns to face me. “I was going to come and see you.”

  “Oh.” I smile and move towards him, my hands awkwardly shoved in the pockets of my jeans. “Are you okay?”

  “Yes. Are you?” He eyes me with his blank expression, the one that says he doesn’t care about anything. I’m so glad I know this to be nothing but a mask, or my confidence would be wavering right now.

  “Fine.”

  “Hangover?”

  “Fortunately no. Umm… I want to talk to you.”

  He chews on the inside of his cheek and nods. “Yes, me too.”

  “You need to talk to you?” I joke, but it does little to amuse him. “Okay, sorry. I’ll be serious.”

  “I’m sorry for everything,” I say at the same time that he says, “I’m trying my best but...”

  Blink. “What?” I say at the same time that he says, “Why are you sorry?”

  “Let me talk.” He clears his throat and looks up at the sky for a moment. “Do you think this was a mistake?”

  “A mistake?”

  “Yes.” He turns and closes the boot of his car, leaning on it momentarily. I take this second to admire his arse in those jeans. Fabulous. Last night I got to grab that.

  “Us?”

  “Yes, you and I.”

  “I think we’ve been doing okay.”

  “I make you miserable and it’s obvious I can’t give you what you need or want.”

  What the hell? “You give me you, and that’s enough.”

  His eyes soften momentarily. “You’ll only want more eventually and I don’t think I can give you that. I thought…” He exhales a long, mournful breath. “I’m trying, honestly I am, but I see it in your eyes every time we get intimate, every time we get close.” His hands drag over his face and one of them reaches out to me. I take it and let him pull me closer. “I’m making a mess of everything. You’re only going to leave me when all is said and done. I know that now.”

  “Stop it, don’t do this.” I say firmly, taking another step towards him, putting only an inch of distance between us. “We haven’t even tried, not really. I haven’t been understanding enough.”

  “What if you never move on from Caleb? What if I never move on from my past?”

  “I will move on from Caleb, I swear. If this is about what I said…”

  “It’s not.” He shakes his head and leans back against his car. “It’s not about what you said. We’re both too…” He sighs again and finishes his sentence on a whisper. “Broken.”

  “What should I do?” I place my hands on his chest. “Just tell me what to do.”

  “I’ll never be able to have sex with you the way you want, Gwen!” He shouts suddenly, his hands balled into fists by his hips. “I’ll never be able to do it without a condom with you. I’ll never be able to taste you. I’ll never be able to…”

  I cut him off, placing my hands on his cheeks “I know it’ll take time, but we can get past that. You’ll see. We’ll do it together, literally and figuratively.” Again my humour falls flat. “I want to try properly. Me, you and Dillan. I’ll move in. We can start over; we can date. I know what he did to you, I know how badly he must have hurt you…”

  “You think it’s because of that?” He asks in disbelief. “That’s not why I won’t enter you, Gwen.”

  “Then tell me why. Help me understand.”

  “I…” He clamps his mouth shut. “It’s messed up.”

  “Nathan,” I sigh, leaning back so I can look into his eyes. “It can’t work if you don’t help me understand.”

  He stares at me, pain and determination in his features. “My great grandfather molested my grandfather. Almost as brutal, if not more so, than my grandfather did to me.” I can tell how hard it is for him to say it out loud, almost like the words are anchored in his throat and refuse to rise. “My grandfather abused me... See a pattern? And then there’s my dad. I don’t know if he was abused, but I know that he abused my mum. She didn’t used to be this way. She used to love us, but he turned her into what she is now. Uncaring, unfeeling. She was scared to show us love and I guess it just stuck.”

  ‘Sometimes the abused become the abuser’ rings through my mind. Now I feel extremely bad for ever letting that thought enter my head, now that I know it’s the thought that’s in his head.

  “I can’t… I’ve never felt a woman around me without something separating us. I’ve never pushed my fingers into a woman and made her scream, until you.” He rests his forehead against mine. “I can’t lose control.”

  “Why?”

  The shutters that locked his emotions behind his eyes slide away and the pain I see there breaks my heart. The insecurity, the vulnerability, the betrayal and anger. All of it shines through and all of it soaks into my very core. “Because I’m scared I’ll become like them.”

  “So why have sex at all?”

  He clears his throat, shifting uncomfortably on the spot. “I can’t reach climax without some kind of stimulation from somebody else. I’m assuming it’s a side effect from…” He doesn’t need to finish for me to understand what he’s saying.

  Not even through masturbation? “Wow. That’s messed up.” I have no idea what to say to make it better. I don’t think anything I can say will make it better. “It’s also the biggest pile of S. H. I. T. I’ve ever heard.”

  “Gwen…”

  “No, I’m serious! You’re not them!” I throw my arm out, pointing down the drive to emphasise my point. “You’ll never be them! You’re amazing…”

  “You don’t know that. What if once I get a true feel for what it’s like, what if I lose control and start exploring other options?” He pulls my hands away from his face. “I don’t want to be a monster.”

  “Have you ever thought of… a child in that way?” Please say no…

  He lurches back, clearly repulsed by the idea, “Of course not. But I did shove you in my sleep!”

  I almost laugh. That’s hardly a fair comparison. “Nathan…”

  Shaking his head, he moves away and runs his hands through his hair. “I’m screwed up. I can’t even touch an apple with my bare hand. And I know with one hundred percent certainty that I’ll never allow myself to lose control.”

  This is way above my pay grade. I have no idea what to say or do. I can see why he’d think that, but I also know in the very depths of my soul that he’d never, ever hurt a child the way he was hurt. He’d never even entertain the sick idea of it.

  “Nathan…” I place my hand on his shoulder. “I love you. We’ll get help, see a professional or something.”

  “You don’t think I haven’t?” He laughs coldly, shrugging my hand off his shoulder. “I never should have… you can’t fix me any more than I can fix myself.”

  “Please.” I’m not entirely sure what I’m pleading for. I just know he needs to listen.

  “Seeing you with Eric, it killed me. Knowing I could lose you. You deserve normal and he is normal. He can give you everything I c
an’t, so why choose me?” He laughs coldly. “Out of guilt? Obligation?”

  “Out of love and the fact that I need you.”

  Looking at me over his shoulder, he slowly turns back towards me, his lower lip glistening from where his tongue has teased it. “You should tell me to go.”

  “I don’t want to.”

  “I love you, Gwen. Truly I do, with all of my heart and soul, but you deserve better. You deserve everything. I finally understand why Caleb took you from me that day on the beach.”

  “Caleb did that because he was an arsehole! That had nothing to do with this.” I shout, but he completely blanks me and climbs in the car. “You’re not unfixable.” He doesn’t respond, even though I know he’s heard me by the way his lips pinch and his shoulders sag. “I’m not giving up on you, but if you give up on yourself, I’m not sure even I can bring you back. This is just… I’m not sure what this is. But it needs to stop.” He opens his mouth to talk, but I quickly cut him off. “I love you. We’re not breaking up. We’re not leaving each other and we’re going to do this properly. The past is the past. Let’s just leave it there.”

  “Gwen…”

  “You can’t keep doing this to yourself, or to us. That will break us. Thinking about Caleb hurts me, but I don’t bring him up every time I’m feeling down and I certainly don’t blame our problems on him. You can’t keep doing that either. Your problems and us don’t relate. We’re us, and that was then. Two separate things.”

  “It affects me every day. It affects you every day.”

  “We’ll get past it. You’ll get past it.”

  He nods once and bites his lower lip. I can see the wheels turning in his head.

  Cupping his cheek with my hand, I look directly into his eyes. “You’ll never be them. I’ll never let you be them. You’re too good a person to ever be them. Trust me.”

  “I’ve ruined the day now, haven’t I?” He smiles, grabbing me by the waist and pulling me flush with his body.