Connected

by A. E. Murphy

  “No, I’m glad we talked. It’s nice to kind of get it out in the open, you know?”

  He kisses my lips gently. “I know.”

  “So, shall we go inside?”

  Walking over to the pram, he clicks off the brakes and begins pushing Dillan to the door. “It’s probably a good idea.” Once inside, he leans over the baby and carefully lifts him out. “Come on little man. Are these new jeans?”

  Snort. “They’re the ones you bought for him.” I smile when Dillan stretches, flexing his long legs out while bringing his arms to his head. When he opens his mouth to yawn, Nathan kisses it, causing Dillan to startle, making his little arms and legs jerk.

  I giggle and push the pram into the cupboard by the door.

  When I enter the room, Nathan is lying on his back on the ground, raising Dillan above his head before bringing him down to his face and pretending to bite his neck.

  Looking at him now, I can’t help but wonder how he could think those things about himself.

  This is stupid; this is ridiculous. Is this why he shuts himself off from the world? He truly believes if he allows himself to enjoy sex, eventually he’ll get a taste for darker things? That’s madness.

  What the fuck did you do to him you sick bastard? I mentally scream at his grandfather as I make my way into the kitchen, needing privacy for my thoughts.

  I don’t know what to do! Genuinely I don’t. I’m completely stuck.

  That poor boy. I want to kill the old bastard and string his innards on Mr and Mrs Weston’s Christmas tree! How could they let this happen to him?

  I’m so angry I could kick a frog.

  No… I’m so angry I could wrap my hands around his father’s neck and squeeze until he took his last breath. And I’m not violent, so these new feelings are ten times worse than they would be on a more aggressive person. I want to act. I want to scream and shout.

  After downing a glass of water in an attempt to soothe my nerves, I head to the fridge and start pulling things out. Nathan enters the room with Dillan in his arms as I’m chopping up vegetables to make a salad.

  “What are you doing?” He asks, pulling angry and then happy faces at the frowning baby, who can’t seem to focus on what it is Nathan’s doing.

  “Making you lunch.” I respond, throwing the veg into a bowl.

  “You don’t have to,” he says, placing a calming hand on my shoulder.

  “I know.” I wipe the cutting board down and place the chicken breast on the shiny surface. “But I want to, plus this chicken needs eating today or it’ll go off.”

  “Isn’t Mummy brilliant?” He asks Dillan, who continues frowning. Nathan then leans forward and kisses the curve of my neck, brushing my hair away with his fingers at the same time. “I’ll take him into the living room, give you some space.”

  “Okay,” I whisper, not allowing my emotions to get the better of me.

  They leave the room, but not before kissing me again. This makes me smile as I work.

  When we sit down to lunch, Nathan stares at me for a while. I pick at my food, not really hungry from this morning’s hearty breakfast. “Is everything okay?”

  I admit. “Not really, no.”

  “I never did apologise for what happened with Eric.” He wipes his mouth on a napkin and cocks his head whilst looking at me. “I shouldn’t have done that. Would you like me to speak with him?”

  “No.” Shaking my head, I give him a weak smile. “It’s done with. There’s no going back now. You talking to him will only make it worse.”

  He nods and goes back to eating. “I am sorry. I got jealous. I thought… I guess I was worried that if you spent any more time with him you’d choose him.”

  “Forget it; it’s fine. I probably would have reacted the same way. It’s my fault for stringing him along.”

  His grin lights up his face, making him look handsome and alluring, “You would have reacted the same way?”

  “I have a jealous streak. It’s actually quite severe.” I shamefully admit. “Do you want to do something fun? I feel like we should go out or something.”

  He blinks, seemingly shocked by my question. “Cinema?”

  “Dillan.” I arch a brow.

  “Right. No babies allowed.” His eyes narrow in thought. “We could go to the arcades?”

  I snort. “You hate the arcades, the noise, the fact that you have to hold money in your hand...”

  “I used to love the racing games. We could do that?”

  “Okay.” I smile broadly. “To the pier?”

  He nods. “I’ll clean up; you change Dillan and get ready.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Absolutely.” He taps his lips when I stand, clearly eager to get ready and get going. Feigning annoyance, I lean over and swiftly press a kiss to his cheek, laughing when he holds my head and kisses my mouth deeply. When I pull back I’m out of breath and tingling all over. It’s not until he gives me a small nudge in the direction of the door that I remember I’m supposed to be getting ready.

  I skip the entire time I’m getting ready. I skip with Dillan to the door and then I skip down the driveway when Nathan starts locking up.

  He laughs at my enthusiasm, pushing the pram for me so I can skip beside him all the way to the seafront. He immediately stops laughing when I suggest that I get a navel piercing. At this point he releases the pram, grabs the top of my arm and pulls me away from the shiny belly bars.

  So unfair.

  “It’s my body,” I snap playfully, pulling my top up slightly and frowning at my bare naval.

  “No, it is in fact my body. You gave it to me when you gave you to me. You’re not marring your perfection with a tattoo or any kind of metal piercing that could get infected and kill you.”

  “Dramatic much?” I mutter, but my thoughts are swiftly broken by the sight of teddies in one of those grabbing machines. “I want one.”

  “Now that is something I can allow you to do.”

  Three quid later and a whole lot of wailing on my part, we still haven’t won a Winnie the Pooh teddy and Nathan is dragging me away.

  Scamming machine.

  It’s okay though, because the scent of doughnuts takes my mind off that and I’m quickly moving on.

  When we finally make it into the pier, which has a huge arcade running through the entirety of it, we immediately take up a car game where we can race against each other. Nathan places Dillan on his lap, informing me you’re never too young to learn how to drive efficiently, even though Dillan doesn’t know what’s going on, nor can he see above the dashboard. Plus he’s entirely too interested in chewing on his own sock, which he pulled off about twenty seconds ago.

  Nathan, seeing this, immediately removes the sock from his mouth and chastises the poor baby for trying to eat something that’s no doubt full of germs and bacteria from his tiny baby feet. I laugh the entire time.

  Nathan is so good to him, too good. I think what makes it so amazing is the fact that he doesn’t have to be. It makes me wonder what Caleb would be like.

  Would he have been as good as Nathan is, or would the novelty have worn off after a while?

  I guess it makes no sense asking a question like that. I should just be grateful for what I have. Which I am, I definitely am.

  Nathan, catching my eye as he playfully chastises my son, winks and gives me a secret smile. One that promises me things for later, hopefully good things. Good things without a stupid condom I double hope.

  I return his smile and then we race.

  He wins and because I’m such a sore loser and he’s such a smug winner, I don’t talk to him for three minutes until he promises to let me win next time but make it look legit. I can live with that.

  By the time the sun sets and we finish eating at a local restaurant, we’re exhausted and ready to go home.

  This has probably been one of the best days of my life so far. And I have crappy photo booth pictures to remember it by.

  ******

>   After showering, I tightly wrap a towel around me and make my way into the bedroom. Nathan, who had his shower the minute we walked into the house, is sat in bed leaning against the headboard, a book in his hands.

  He puts it down and stares at me as I make my way across the room to the closet. His mouth falls open slightly and I hear him suck in a sharp blast of air when I pull the towel from around my body and use it to dry my hair.

  Giving him an innocent smile, I do something I’ve never even had the courage to think of doing before and bend over, using the towel to dry my legs and ankles.

  The way his eyes remain on me, the pupils dilating and his usually glistening lips seeming to dry as he watches me, makes me feel like the sexiest woman on earth.

  “W…” He clears his throat and tries again. “What are you doing?”

  “Getting ready for bed.”

  “It doesn’t look like that from over here,” he mutters and I have to turn my head to stop him from seeing my gleeful smile. “Maybe you should put some clothes on.”

  “It’s warm. I was just going to sleep like this. You don’t mind, do you?”

  His throat bobs when he gulps. “I suppose not.”

  “I’ll just braid my hair.” I do this quickly and place the towel in the laundry basket. When I turn back to him, I notice the book he was reading is now lying face down on his lap. Over his crotch. “Have you finished with this?” I take the book from his lap and try not to smirk when I see the thin bed sheet pop up into a tent like shape.

  “I have now,” he says, his eyes narrowing with lust.

  I quickly slide onto his lap, my crotch against his, with only his boxers and the thin sheet separating us. His hands rest against my hips and his eyes close when I grind against him.

  “Let’s try,” I say quietly, running my hands through his hair.

  “Try?” His voice sounds relaxed and languid.

  “Yeah, let’s try.” I press my mouth to his and with remarkable skill, I work the sheet from between us as he’s distracted. His eyes fly open when he realises what he’s done. “Just try, that’s all I’m asking. It’s not a big deal if you can’t, but you need to get over it sooner or later and I think I can help you with that.”

  He shakes his head. “You know it’s not about whether I can or can’t, Gwen.”

  “I know. And I think you’ve been doing this for so long, you don’t know how to do it any other way anymore.”

  “I don’t feel comfortable with this.”

  “Doesn’t it tempt you at all?” I ask, referring to my naked parts against him. “How do you control yourself when you’re actually inside?”

  He blinks and exhales a slow breath. “With extreme difficulty.”

  So if I push hard enough, eventually he’ll give in?

  “I can see what you’re thinking. Please don’t,” he says, almost harshly. “Please Gwen. You said we’d take it slow.”

  I shrug. “We are. Like I said, if you don’t want to try, then push me away right now and we’ll have sex the way we usually do.”

  There’s a long pause and neither of us seems to breathe. I take this as a ‘please continue,’ and do just that. My mouth finds his neck. Then his chest, then his navel.

  Then I’m on my back and Nathan has my hands either side of my head. “Not tonight,” he whispers, kissing my lips sweetly.

  I can’t hide my disappointment. I got quite excited then. As soon as it comes, I push it away and nod with a reassuring smile. It’s too late though, he sees my disappointment and winces.

  Crap.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Gwen, I’ve fed, changed and bathed Dillan. He was sleeping when I left. Got a call at seven, had to rush to the store. I should be back later but don’t worry if I’m not.

  I’ll call you.

  I love you.

  N

  P.S. You looked too peaceful to wake.

  I sigh and place the note back on the pillow. Dillan is definitely no longer asleep. I, however, still want to sleep. We may not have had sex last night, but we did stay up until three in the morning play fighting and then talking.

  It was a good night, but a tense one; that’s why we started play fighting I think. He’s rough. I wish he’d be a bit more like that while penetrating me.

  Dillan smiles as soon as he sees me. It’s beautiful and it warms me down to my toes.

  “I love you too little man,” I say as I lift him up and out of his cot. When I see his outfit, I stare for a few moments, blinking rapidly. Then I throw my head back and laugh. “Uncle is a git isn’t he?”

  Dillan is in a baby sized suit. He looks ready to go to a wedding or a christening. Where did Nathan get this? It’s adorable and I refuse to change him out of it now.

  “Let’s go and see Tiffany.” I carry him downstairs and place him in his pram.

  Once I’m ready and the changing bag is full, I exit the house into the unusually warm sun and talk to Dillan about everything I see that I wish he could see and point at.

  We’ve been walking for about ten minutes when something catches my eye. Looking to my right I see a new poster along the clock tower and frown. It’s a mattress commercial I think. The words seem to penetrate something deep inside of me,

  What would you do if you were to wake up tomorrow and see that this was all a dream? Would you do it all over again?

  To which a unicorn responds:

  I’d buy a new mattress.

  That’s not an answer… it also doesn’t make sense. I feel cheated.

  What would I do if I were to wake up tomorrow and see that this was all a dream and Caleb were alive and we were getting ready to be married? It seems like an unfair question to ask myself. Would I be able to let the love I have for Caleb go to be with his brother?

  Wow… I just totally caved in my own mind. I have no idea who I’d choose.

  There’s no use thinking like this though. It’s stupid and pointless. Caleb isn’t coming back and I’m not going to wake up and realise this was a dream.

  What’s worse is the fact that if it is a dream, I don’t think I want to wake up.

  A new wave of guilt fills me, but I push it away. I’m human. I don’t have anything to feel guilty about right now. It’s time to move on. If Nathan is the man I move on with, then so be it.

  Sorry Caleb, but my mind is made up.

  I make it to Tiffany’s in record time and smile when her three year old son answers the door.

  “Where’s Mummy?” I ask when the bright blue eyed boy stares at me expectantly.

  “You got chocolate?”

  “Umm… no. Sorry.”

  “No entry,” he snaps and slams the door in my face.

  Blink.

  The door opens again. Tiffany stands before me looking annoyed, frazzled and on the verge of killing somebody. “Sorry about him, his sister put him up to it.”

  I see a bright, blue eyed girl peek around her mum’s legs. She must be about six. She giggles and runs away. Tiffany rolls her eyes and moves to the side.

  “You look like hell,” I snort. “Your shoes are on the wrong feet.”

  “Crap, I knew they were hurting for a reason. Go on through to the living room.” She laughs as her daughter dances around her saying, “Crap, crap, crap.” Oh dear.

  “Bethany Megan Hardy! You get your backside up those stairs and think about what you’ve done.”

  The little girl races to the stairs, picks up a shoe, throws it at her mum and runs up the stairs still giggling.

  “She seems sweet,” I say, because I don’t know what else to say.

  Tiffany gives me a look that asks me if I’m serious. “She’s a brat. Gets it from her dad.”

  “Heard that!” A male voice shouts from what I assume is the kitchen.

  “Gav! Keep the kids away for a while. We’ve got the baby here.”

  “Who wants the park?” Gav shouts. I’m assuming his name is short for Gavin.

  I shake my head. “You don’t h
ave to do that. Now I feel bad.”

  Tiffany laughs loudly. “Trust me when I say you’ll feel worse if they stay. I love my kids but… they’re not for everybody.”

  Crikey. Please don’t let Dillan be naughty.

  “So, coffee, tea?” She offers when the front door closes behind the kids and their father.

  “No thank you.”

  “Wicked,” she grins and immediately starts undoing the straps around Dillan. Lifting him with the expertise of a mother of two, she cradles him to her chest and coos sweetly at him. We sit on the large couch in the living room and share a smile when Dillan grabs her long hair and attempts to chew on it. “I see him and immediately want another one, but then I see mine and the urge turns to dust…poof. Gone.”

  I giggle and relax back into the soft cushions. “I want another one, one day. Definitely.”

  She gives me a horrified look. “Honey, take it from me when I say wait until your first is in school and then decide. If he’s good, do it. If he’s not, you’ll never want another one anyway.”

  “I’m not wanting another one right away. Not for a long time. Being pregnant wasn’t exactly a fun time.”

  “I hear you.” She starts babbling to Dillan again, who smiles as if she’s the funniest person on earth. “How is everything?”

  “I was just about to ask you the same thing. You seemed pretty stressed when I came round.”

  She smiles softly. “Yeah, but it’s definitely worth it. They aren’t always naughty and even when they are, they’re still really effing funny.”

  “He said that I couldn’t come in because I didn’t have chocolate.”

  “Bethany is the brains behind these operations. They’ve scared off a few visitors in their time. Poor Gavin, my son not my husband, is always getting stick for his sister’s plans. He’s too young to understand there are times he should say no to her.”

  “I always wanted siblings. It sounds like it could have been fun, although I would rather be Bethany.”

  “Ah,” she sighs, shaking her head like she knows a secret. “You’re an only child. You’re going to be one of those crazy women who have six kids and love every moment of it, aren’t you?” I open my mouth to respond, but she keeps talking. “I have three brothers and one sister. My mum was also an only child. Us with brothers and sisters understand the limits and usually end up with none, one, or, at most, two.”