My One Regret

by Krissy V

  "Maybe Cassie, maybe it's because Jordan isn't here looking after you. Maybe you need him more than you think." She has a big smile on her face.

  "I did think of that Bonnie. I love him you know. I never stopped loving him. I let him go because we were young and needed to concentrate on our careers, but he's always been in my mind. He’s always in my heart. He never strayed far from my thoughts, I just didn’t allow myself to think about him too much, it wasn’t fair to Chad." I feel exhausted now.

  "Cassie, I know why you did that all those years ago and maybe it was the right thing at the time. He's back in your life again; don't waste that opportunity. If you want to have a relationship with Jordan then you need to make the move. He needs to know one hundred percent what you want. He won't risk your friendship if he's not certain that you want him as much as he wants you. After everything you’ve been through recently he won’t make the first move, you need to do that."

  "I know Bonnie. I just don't want to lose his friendship. I know how he feels about me, but it's hard to take that first step." I sigh.

  "I know Cassie, it'll happen. Now let's go back to sleep, it's the middle of the night." I agree and we fall silent. My mind is very active so it takes me a while to sleep. When I do I dream of Jordan ...

  “Truth Is”

  When we get up in the morning the first thing we do is make coffee and sit in the lounge looking out at the sea. "Are you sure you're ok Cassie? I was worried about you last night."

  "I'm fine, honest Bonnie it was just a nightmare," I say trying not to think of it. Every time I do I feel my heart start to race, not because of David but because of telling Jordan that I had a nightmare.

  "Ok, if you're sure. We need to go into town today to get some stuff for my hen party tonight," she says excitedly.

  "Of course we do. We can have some lunch too. Maybe the guys will be up and ready to meet us?" I hope they can, I've missed Jordan and can't wait to see him.

  We get dressed and go into town to buy outfits for tonight. About twelve o’clock we both get texts from the guys asking where we are. They have gone to my house and were worried when we weren’t there.

  "Are you ok Cassie? I'm worried about you. Where are you?"

  "I'm fine Jordan. We’re shopping in town. We’re going to stop for lunch about one o’clock. Do you want to meet us?"

  "Yes of course we will, just tell us where to meet you. I missed you last night."

  "I missed you too. It was strange not waking up to your smiley face. See you soon xx"

  Bonnie tells Jezza where to meet us so we can wander around a little longer.

  As soon as I walk in to The Crib Bar, I know Jordan is here. I can feel his presence. I turn around and see him walking towards me, slowly. It's like he's taking me in. In that moment I don't see anyone else or hear anything else other than my name on his lips. I start walking towards him in what feels like slow motion then I run the last couple of steps and throw myself at him.

  "Oh my god Jordan, I really missed you last night. I can't believe how empty the house felt without you there."

  He's hugging me so tight. "I was worried about you and then when you weren't there this morning my heart started to beat really fast and I didn't know what to do. I’m so glad you’re ok." He kisses me on the top of my head. He slowly lets me slide down his body to the floor. I didn't even realise he had lifted me off the floor when he hugged me. I look up to him and smile, then I take his hand and we go and find Bonnie and Jezza.

  They don't take any notice of us holding hands, they're so wrapped up in each other.

  We order lunch and Bonnie and I have a glass of wine just to get us in the mood for the hen party tonight. The guys tell us about their night out. It sounds like they had loads of fun.

  After lunch we all go home, Bonnie to hers and we go to mine. When we get to the house Jordan asks how I slept last night. I panic a little because I thought I was moving on and didn't want to start going backwards. I tell him about my nightmare and he pulls me into him.

  "Thanks for telling me Cassie, I already knew though because Bonnie was worried and thought I’d be able to help. I was worried you were going to keep it to yourself and not tell me." He's rubbing my back and it feels so nice.

  I look up to him and say, "I told you Jordan, I have no secrets from you. Remember in school we learnt the phrase 'WYSIWYG' - 'what you see is what you get,' well that's me!" I'm giggling remembering my school days.

  "Well I like what I see," he says and I can feel his heart speed up a little. I panic a bit but then he steps backwards and takes me out on the veranda. "So what are you doing tonight?"

  I tell him all about our plans for the night, poor Bonnie doesn't know what's going to hit her. "Are you staying with Bonnie or are you coming home?" he asks me and I get butterflies in my stomach. He called this home.

  "Will you be here? If you are, then I'll come home but I don't want to stay by myself," I say, looking up at him.

  "Of course I'll be here. I'll look after you and make sure you sleep." He smiles that gorgeous smile.

  "Thanks Jordan, I don't know what I've done all this time without you, you make me feel safe and complete." I stand up because this conversation is getting too personal. "I'm going to go and have a bath and get ready for tonight, I'll see you in a while," I say as I walk out of the lounge to go up the stairs.

  "Ok I'll cook some food. Do you want to eat before you go out? You know soakage!" He laughs, he knows I can't drink much.

  "Cheeky, yeah I'd love some food. Maybe I'll have a bath, put my make up on, do my hair and then we can eat. I can get dressed after dinner." I blush as I realised I just said I'd have dinner with him in practically no clothes.

  "Can't wait," he says smiling again.

  I go up the stairs and start running the bath, when it's boiling hot with the bubbles nearly overflowing, I get in and slowly sink into the hot water. I lay in the bath thinking about my life; about Jordan, about Chad and David. I know I've come to a point in my life where my life can change for the better and I know what I have to do to achieve that. I wash my hair then I let the water drain out slowly and it feels like all the negative things in my life are being pulled away from my body and are draining out through the plug hole.

  When I get out of the bath I do my make-up and style my hair. Then I put my dressing gown on and go downstairs for dinner. The smell is delicious. "What are we having Jordan, its smells amazing," I ask walking up behind him.

  "I made corn beef hash, I hope it's still one of your favourites," he says. He turns around to talk to me and stops and stares at me. “Wow Cassie, you look beautiful."

  I laugh. "I don't even have my clothes on." I blush realising what I said.

  He looks me up and down and stops when he gets to my eyes. "Just perfect." He turns back to the stove and then says, "sit down dinner is ready."

  Dinner is as good as it smells, delicious. After dinner I go and get dressed and then, when I'm coming down the stairs, Jordan is waiting for me at the bottom, just like he was all those years ago. Memories come flooding back to me and it makes me a little sad, I know what I have to do and I hope it doesn't ruin our friendship. That would be just so devastating.

  "You look just like an angel Cassie, take care tonight."

  I go over to him, I reach up and kiss him very gently on the lips, then I say, "thank you for being here for me.” He kisses me back very gently, but doesn’t increase the pace, he is following my lead. I pull back.

  He seems startled. “I'm going to take you into town and wait until the others get there. I don't want you to wait on your own. Is that ok?" He asks.

  He really is too good to be true. "Come on I can't be late, I'm the chief bridesmaid you know. I didn’t want to wait on my own, so thank you." He drives me into town and waits until Bonnie gets there.

  He whispers in my ear, "take care, if you need me I'll be straight here, don't forget that." He kisses me on the cheek.

  He says to Bonnie,
"have fun, don't do anything really bad I don't want to have to bail you both out. Look after Cassie for me, please," he says looking at her.

  We have a great night. We stay in The Cribber for a few hours because it's buy one get one free on the cocktails and we had to try a few of them to see which ones we liked. We go to the nightclub after that and dance, dance, drink and then dance some more. Bonnie has a 'bride to be sash' and I have a 'chief bridesmaid' one so we get bought a lot of drinks. It is lots of fun.

  When we are ready to leave the club, Bonnie rings Jezza to pick us up. When we get back to my house, Jezza walks me to the door and Jordan opens it and looks at me and then at Jezza. "Don't look at me like that. I've got one of my own in the car," he says walking back to the car laughing.

  Jordan helps me into the house, he has his hands on my waist supporting me. I can feel the heat coming off his hands. "Come on, let's get you to bed Cassie," he's steering me towards the stairs. When we get to the bottom of the stairs he stops, looks at me then looks up at the stairs, then he bends down and picks me up wedding style and carries me up the stairs.

  I squeal a little bit and then I start cuddling into his neck. "I could get used to this," I say and I cover his neck with little kisses.

  He walks into the bedroom and lets my legs down, but I still cling hold of his neck. "Cassie, what are you doing? You're drunk, don't do something you'll regret tomorrow babe."

  "Don't you want me to kiss you?" I can feel myself pouting, is he turning me down?

  "Of course I do, but I'd rather you were sober and knew what you wanted," he says.

  "Jordan, I know what I want." I walk backwards and suddenly I hit the bed and fall backwards onto it. I start laughing again. Jordan stands over me shaking his head, but he's smiling.

  "Come on let's get you changed for bed." I just nod. He slowly takes my clothes off and folds them up in the corner, he seems to be taking his time coming back with my pyjamas. He brings them over, helps me into them and then I crawl across the bed and get under the covers. I watch him as he takes his clothes off and gets ready to climb in beside me. When he gets in I move so that I'm closer to him and I put my arms and legs over him.

  I snuggle into his neck, then I raise myself up slightly and lean down and kiss him ever so gently on the lips and say, "I love you Jordan. Thank you for saving me." I wait for about one second and then I put my lips back on his and kiss him urgently. Thankfully he kisses me back. I push my tongue into his mouth and then take his lip into my mouth and suck it, he groans. Then he pulls away.

  “Cassie, Cassie, you’ve had a lot to drink. I really want to keep kissing you, but I don’t want you to wake up tomorrow and regret it. I want you to want to kiss me, if that makes sense. I’d feel like a shit if I carry on kissing you and taking advantage of you when you are so obviously drunk,” he says.

  I’m so embarrassed. I jump out of the bed, run into the bathroom and start crying. He doesn’t want me. I’ve probably ruined everything now. Why did I have to drink so much?

  I hear a gentle knock on the door. “Cassie, come on what are you crying for? Open the door, please, let me talk to you.”

  “No, I don’t want to talk Jordan. I’m sorry. I just couldn’t help myself. I’ve wanted to kiss you for so long and I just, I just had to taste you. I’m sorry Jordan.” I move away from the door and open it. “I’m sorry, will you forgive me?”

  I don’t get a chance to apologise again before he moves into the bathroom and lifts me up so that I’m sitting on the counter and he opens my legs and steps in between them. He looks angry. “Don’t you ever be sorry for anything you do Cassie. You do things because you want to. No regrets, remember. I just want to make sure you know what you are doing and that it’s really something that you want. I want nothing more in this world than to taste you, to love you, but only if it’s what you really want.” He has his head leaning against my forehead and he is looking right into my eyes.

  This is it, this is my chance and I intend to take it. “Jordan, I know I’m drunk and I know I’ll have a hangover in the morning, I know it’s not the right way to tell you this but “I love you and I don’t just want to be your friend anymore. I want more and I hope you do too because I can’t lose you from my life again.” I have a few tears running down my face because I’m not sure how this is going to go. Will he agree with me? Or have I just lost my best friend in the world ever.

  He wipes my tears with his thumb and then it feels like a lifetime before he says, “Cassie, I’ve never stopped loving you. No one can hold a candle to you. They never have done. Not since the first day I saw you through the window at school. I wanted to possess you that day and every other day since then. I want you more than I need to breathe, we are soul mates and we need to be together. Now I’m going to kiss you and prove to you how much I love you. Is that ok?”

  I nod at him and he slowly moves his lips down to mine and then he does what he says and he devours me. It’s the only way to describe the kiss. It’s like all the years that we were apart come together in this moment.

  I put my arms around his neck and kiss him with all the emotion I can muster. It is amazing, all the good memories I have of him come flooding back to me. I never forgot them, but they float in my mind like I’m watching a beautifully coloured movie. I don’t understand, but it’s beautiful. I must be drunk because this is all a bit weird. I pull back slightly because it is so intense and I want to look at him. I want to see if he feels it too.

  He looks at me and smiles his beautiful smile. “I think it’s time for you to go to bed. We can continue this ...” he indicates between me and him, “conversation in the morning or after your hangover has gone,” he laughs.

  He takes my hands and put them both behind his neck, I wrap my legs around his waist and he carries me over to the bed. As I climb under the duvet, he climbs in the other side, then he pulls me over so that I am against his body. He rolls me on my side and pulls me closer to him and then he wraps his arm around me. “This is the best night ever. I hope you remember this in the morning Cassie. I love you.” He kisses me on the back of my head and then I drift off to sleep.

  “I Believe In You”

  When I wake up, I can feel something heavy on my leg, what is it? I look down and see Jordan’s leg over mine, his arm over my body and I can feel his face in my neck. It’s wonderful to wake up with Jordan lying all over me. I have a dry mouth and can see a glass of water on my bedside table along with two painkillers; he must have brought them up for me last night before I went to bed.

  I think back over the night, I giggle because we had so much fun, drinking, dancing and more drinking. Some memories were definitely made last night; I wonder how Bonnie’s head is this morning.

  I‘m smiling and then I remember what happened when I got home. Oh my god, I’m so embarrassed. Did I really throw myself at him? I turn my head so that my face is in the pillow and I groan. I hope things aren’t awkward today. I’d hate that.

  “Morning Cassie, what are you groaning about? Does your head hurt?” Jordan says laughing at me.

  “Yes it does, I had far too much to drink last night.” I can’t roll over to look at him because I’m afraid. Afraid he might not want me in the cold light of day.

  “There’s two headache tablets by your glass of water, I got them for you last night just in case you had a headache this morning, I thought you might.” He’s still chuckling.

  I slowly sit up and reach for the tablets and the water and swallow them down. I look over to Jordan who is now laid on his back with his hands behind his head and he’s smiling at me. I really don’t know what to say. I lay back down and lay on my back too, I groan because it was such an effort to move.

  “Is it bad? You were pretty drunk last night,” he says.

  “Yes the room is spinning a little bit,” I say laughing.

  “Do you remember everything? Or do you have blank bits?” he asks with a little trepidation in his voice.

  “I thin
k I remember everything, you know there’s always something you forget until someone reminds you.” I smile at him. “I remember what happened when I got home though,” I say blushing.

  “Do you? And have you changed your mind?” He’s rolled onto his side now and he is only a couple of inches away from my face.

  I look at him and see his love for me in his eyes. It’s like I’ve allowed myself to see what everyone else could already see. “No, never” I smile at him.

  He smiles his beautiful smile, leans closer to me and kisses me on the lips very gently, I close my eyes, but he doesn’t take the kiss any further. When I open them he is smiling and I can see laughter in his eyes. “I’m going downstairs to start making some breakfast for you. Stay in bed and sleep until your headache is better, then we can talk.” He starts to roll over to get out of the bed when I reach out and grab his arm.

  “Please Jordan just a small kiss, it’ll make my head better.” I give him a sweet smile, he starts laughing, then he leans in and kisses me from his heart. Wow!

  He pulls back still smiling, “now sleep and get rid of that headache, we need to talk when you come downstairs.” He turns and walks out the room, closing the door behind him.

  What? He’s such a tease. I lay in bed with my head pumping, with a big smile on my face and then I think about what he wants to talk about. Is he going to say it was a mistake? Does he really want to make a go of it? I’m fretting and I need to stop. I feel like I’m a teenager again. I laugh, then I close my eyes to try and make the headache go away.

  I must have fallen asleep because when I wake up suddenly I give a little shriek because Jordan is sitting next to me on the bed. “Wakey wakey,” he says. “You’ve slept nearly the whole day away, don’t mind breakfast it’s tea-time,” he smiles.

  “What? Why didn’t you wake me up?” I ask sitting up quickly, I’m delighted to realise that my head doesn’t hurt anymore. “You should have woke me up Jordan, have you been downstairs waiting for me all day?”