My One Regret

by Krissy V

  “I’ve been downstairs, but I’ve not been waiting for you. I did pop out for half an hour to buy some things for dinner tonight. I’m cooking you dinner tonight, a nice dinner. Let’s call it a date!” he smiles at me.

  “A date” I start laughing, “why?”

  “Well, we’ve progressed past the first date and then all the other stages in a relationship and moved directly onto living together,” he grins at me. “So I just thought it would be nice to have a date. What do you think? Are you game?” he’s looking at me, searching my face for a clue.

  “Ok, yeah, sounds good. I like the sound of that,” I giggle. “I might go have a bath and relax before getting dressed ready for our date.” I play along with his idea. The more I think about it, the more I like it.

  “That’s fine, but we aren’t staying in all evening. We’re going out for a drink.” I groan, I’m not sure I can drink anymore. “Only one or two, before coming home to have dinner, then we can talk,” he says, smiling at me. He comes over to me and kisses me gently on my lips, I’m enjoying this. I could do this all day. “Now you go and relax, then you can get ready while I go into the other bathroom to get ready,” he stands up and walks to the door. “No checking my bum out either you” he laughs as he walks out of the room.

  I lay on the bed laughing, it feels good to laugh so much. Once I am up I go to the wardrobe to see what I can find to wear. I need something dressy if we are going out, but then I don’t want to appear overdressed when we get home. I find a lovely woollen black dress that is figure hugging, but I’ll wear my boots with it to dress it down a bit. I pick my accessories to make it look more colourful, then I go to the bathroom and run a bath which I can sink into and relax.

  I lay there thinking about how my life has changed in the last twenty four hours. I’m so glad I made the move last night with Jordan, it was risky, but I feel so happy that I know it was the right thing to do.

  “The One I Love”

  When I get out of the bath, I get dressed, do my make-up and finally my hair. When I’m happy with the way I look, I go downstairs to find Jordan. He’s not waiting at the bottom of the stairs, so I go looking for him. Once again there is a beautiful smell coming from the kitchen, I look in and he’s not there either. I look in the dining room and see the table has been set with a fresh red rose in a vase in the middle of the table. He’s not in there either.

  I go into the lounge and then I see him out on the veranda and just the sight of him makes me catch my breath. Can guys look beautiful? Because that is exactly what he looks like. He has lit lots of tea lights and they are all across the railings and on the table and on the decking floor.

  It’s amazing! He turns when he hears the doors open and smiles at me. “Hi Cassie, you look beautiful again.” He comes towards me and takes my hand, “the view here is so amazing, I love looking out of your veranda, it’s just so peaceful.”

  “Do you remember the dreams we had of living here one day? We used to lay on the beach just looking up here and imagining that it would be like to actually live her. Now you know, you’ve achieved that dream.”

  He leans up against the railings and breathes deeply. “Jordan, you’ve made it look so gorgeous out here,” I say looking around.

  He pulls me close to him and he wipes a stray hair off my face “no Cassie you have, you make any place beautiful when you walk into a room.” He kisses me gently. “You are gorgeous and light up everywhere you go.” I don’t know what to say so I just stay quiet and stand there looking up into his face. He moves slowly around the veranda while gently blowing out the tea lights and I watch the smoke spiraling up into the air. I love the smell of the smoke from a quenched candle, I don’t know what it is about it but it’s very calming.

  He laughs and then says, “Come on let’s go out for our date. Are you excited?”

  “I’m a bit nervous really Jordan, what if I don’t like your company.” I look at him all serious and then I can’t keep a serious face any longer and burst out laughing. He joins me, links my arm with his, pulls me out through the house and out the front door.

  We walk down to the town holding hands, it feels strange and yet it feels normal at the same time.

  We go into the Cribbers Pub on the seafront and have a couple of drinks. We’ve talked a lot over the last couple of months, but as we sit here and chat it's like meeting for the first time. We discuss previous relationships, friends and how we've been over the last few years.

  As we are walking back to the house for dinner, we walk past Pebbles and Mr. Stanley is locking up. He really is getting old, Jordan goes to help him pull the shutters down and then we walk a while with him.

  “How are the plans to sell going?” Jordan asks him.

  “I haven’t had an offer yet and it’s on the market at a low price. I don’t understand it, everyone likes a seaside café don’t they?” He sounds so sad, it’s like his life’s work is being pulled away from him at a time when he should be enjoying his life.

  “I can’t believe that. We love this place don’t we Jordan?” I say because it holds so many memories for us.

  “I know you do, I remember when you both started coming in together. Everyone could see how much you loved each other. I was as shocked as everyone else when you left Cassie.”

  “I know, I was shocked myself, but I didn’t want to ever think ‘what if?’ I didn’t want Jordan to think that either if he didn’t go to Toronto. We had to do it - no regrets.” I say the last bit looking up to Jordan. He smiles and leans down and kisses me on the head.

  “Ah, I see you lovebirds have finally realised what everyone else saw in you both.” He says smiling at both of us and nodding down to our joined hands.

  “Yes we have.” Jordan says, wrapping his arm around my shoulders and pulling me close. “It’s taken a while, but I always knew we would be together again.”

  “You will both have to come in next week for a hot chocolate, just like the old days. If I don’t get a buyer soon, then I will just have to close down. It will be sad, but I really can’t stay open any longer.”

  I hug him because it is so sad, he hugs me back very tightly. “Thank you for all the times you let us just sit there nursing one drink for hours.”

  He laughs. “All the kids did it. I just enjoyed the company. This is my car, I’m going home now. I can’t keep going like I used to.” He says laughing.

  “See you soon, we will come down for a hot chocolate. I promise.” He smiles and climbs into his car. We watch him drive off.

  “It’s a shame isn’t it.” I say snuggling into Jordan’s side.

  “It is, unfortunately. It will be sad to see it close down. We have a lot of memories there.”

  When we get home all thoughts of Mr. Stanley have gone from my mind as the smell of food is so delicious. "I hope the dinner tastes as good as it smells.” I go up behind him and put my arms around his waist to hug him tightly. “Do you know how long I’ve wanted to do this when you been beavering away in here? A really long time.”

  "Mmmm that feels so good Cassie." Jordan turns to face me and takes me in a big hug. I look up to him just in time for him to look down and kiss me. I can feel his hunger for me in his kiss and I reciprocate, I can't explain how I feel, I just need to be closer to him. He pulls away and clears his throat. "We need to eat or the dinner will go to waste," he starts busying himself with putting the dinner out on the table. I wonder why he stopped kissing me. It felt nice.

  I sit at the table and he opens a bottle of wine and serves up the dinner. The food is amazing and we talk about what foods we like and dislike.

  After dinner we grab blankets and go out onto the veranda. I have a patio heater outside, so Jordan turns it on and we sit underneath it with our drinks.

  He takes a deep breath and then he starts to talk. "Cassie we need to have this conversation before we take our relationship any further. You understand that don't you?"

  I nod my head because I'm afraid to speak. I
think I might cry.

  "I truly believe that you are my soul mate, you are the reason I breathe every day. I need to know that you believe that too. This it for me, I won't let you go again. I will fight all the way for you. You are my future, without you my life won't be complete!" What he says is so beautiful. I have tears running down my face.

  "Jordan, I feel the same, I never felt contentment like I do right now. I think you're right, my soul was searching for yours so that it could become whole. You have proved to me over the last couple of months that you want my mind, friendship and soul more than you want my body, for that I am grateful. This is it for me, I want you now and for the rest of my life."

  He takes my hands and moves me so that I'm sitting on his lap; he puts one arm around me and takes my hand with the other. "Thank you Cassie, you've made me so happy I can't even begin to explain. I know we can overcome any issues we might have, together! I love you and I want to tell the world that you're mine." He leans forward and kisses me and we start making out.

  I stop to take a breath and rest my forehead on his. "I love you Jordan, so much it hurts. I can't imagine being apart from you again."

  We sit and talk for a while, none of us touching on the subject of sex; Jordan because he doesn't want to push me and I don't mention it because I'm scared. We will overcome this together, I just know we will.

  We lock up and go upstairs. He holds my hand as he walks in front of me. When we get into the bedroom, I start to feel shy, why does this feel different to any other night? It shouldn't do, we know each other so well, but it all feels so exciting.

  I walk to the chest of drawers and get my pj's out, then I stand in the middle of the room and slowly take my clothes off, all the time I'm looking into Jordan's eyes. His eyes don't leave mine, although I can tell he's dying to look at my body, but I know he's seen it so many times already. He takes his clothes off and puts on his shorts, but I notice he doesn't put a t shirt on. I put my PJ's on and move towards the bed, he does the same.

  I climb under the covers, so does he. It feels a bit awkward, maybe I should say something. "Will you hold me tonight? Close to you? I want to feel you on my skin.”

  He opens his arms for me to climb inside, which I do. We are both facing each other, his leg is over mine and he's pulling me in closer with his foot. I put one leg in between his. Jordan tilts my head up towards him, "I want to get closer to you, but I can't. There’s no gap between us, but it's still not enough. I feel like I've got you back after all these years and I just need to consume you," he says,.

  We both laugh because we can't get any closer. We kiss and cuddle for what seems like hours. When I run my hands up and down his body, he doesn't touch me back. I know he's worried about my reaction, but I need him to touch me. "Jordan please touch me. I need you to touch me, I need you to see that I can do this. Remember no regrets. What HE did brought you back into my life, always think about the positives. Please touch me," I say as I move my hand up his thigh towards his groin.

  All of a sudden his hand flies out and grabs my hand very gently. "No Cassie don't. I've waited so long for you to touch me like that again I know I'll explode." So I take my hand back and rest it on his back. "Roll over Cassie. Roll onto your back, please," he says and I do what he asks.

  He leans up on one arm and then takes the other one and cups my face to his so that he can kiss me. He breaks the kiss and I watch him as he slowly moves down my body placing small kisses everywhere in his path. Down my neck, along my collar bone, then he moves so he's over me and he starts kissing very gently down to my breasts, all the time he’s watching me for a sign to say stop! I don't, he keeps going.

  He very lightly kisses my nipple; it's so soft I nearly didn't feel it and then he does the same to the other one. He looks into my eyes and he waits for my permission, permission to take it in his mouth. I nod and he very slowly, painfully slowly, opens his mouth and takes my nipple into it. It's so hot in his mouth, it feels so good. I moan, he leans over and takes the other one and does the same. He kisses down my body, until he reaches my shorts. He's still looking at me and I want him to take them off and ravage me, but I know I might not be ready for that although my body seems to be.

  He sees the hesitation in my eyes for a split second and then he starts to crawl up my body kissing me as he comes closer to my lips. When he gets to my lips he kisses me and I know how much he loves me because his lips tell me.

  He lays back down beside me and he pulls me into his body. “You’re so beautiful, I am so lucky.”

  “Yes you are,” I say and giggle.

  We both start laughing and I can feel my eyes getting heavy. “Thanks for a lovely date Jordan, I really enjoyed it.”

  “It was the best ever” he says, kissing me on the back of my neck.

  “I Just Wanna Make Love To You”

  After we have had breakfast Joyce comes for my daily session. We make her coffee and then we all take a seat in the lounge, these meetings are casual at this stage.

  “So Cassie, how was the weekend? Did you have a relaxing one?” she asks.

  “The weekend was amazing, Jordan had the stag night and I had the hen night. We had lots of fun and then yesterday Jordan and I went on a date.” I can’t help saying it I want her to know.

  She looks surprised, but I think that’s because she wasn’t expecting me to say it out of the blue like that. She stands up, comes over and hugs me. “I’m delighted for both of you,” she says. “You both deserve to be happy.” She goes back to her seat and sits down.

  “So, what are we going to talk about today? Cassie is there anything worrying you about your relationship with Jordan? How do you think you will cope with being intimate?” Trust Joyce to come out and just say exactly what I was thinking.

  “Well,” I’m actually embarrassed. “I’m not sure how I’m going to cope sexually to be honest Joyce.” I can’t even look at Jordan, and I know I’m blushing. “I want to have sex, but I’m worried that when it actually comes to it, I won’t be able to.” I look at the floor, I can feel the tears starting to come to my eyes. What if I can never have sex? Jordan will leave me then, won’t he?

  “This isn’t unusual Cassie, a lot of people who have been through what you have find it hard to have sexual relations with anyone. Others find someone who understands what they have been through and help them move on. Most importantly they help them to love themselves and love their own body. This is really important because, unless you can love your own body, you won’t allow someone else to. Does that make sense?” She’s looking from me to Jordan.

  “I understand what you are saying Joyce.” Jordan says as he reaches over and takes my hand. “Cassie, I’ll help you to love yourself and your own body. I’m not going to push you into anything that you don’t want to do. I understand what you’ve been through; I’ve been here with you when you have been in your darkest moments. I know you can move forward and I want to help you to do that. I hope you let me do that.”

  “I know you will Jordan.” I then ask Joyce, “Are there any sexual psychologists who work with the charity, you know who can help victims with rebuilding their sex lives?” I know it’s a strange question, but I can feel an excitement that I haven’t felt for a while. I’ve had lots of thoughts over the last couple of months and I’ve been thinking about what I want to do with the rest of my life. I think I’ve just put the last piece of the jigsaw into the puzzle. I smile a really big smile and then I look at the two people who are staring at me wondering what is going through my head.

  “There are a lot of phychiatrists working in PEBBLES, I know that Brenda is a sexual psychologist, why?”

  I smile at her. “Joyce, you have been wonderful to me during the last couple of months and I appreciate every conversation we have had. You are an amazing person and you have helped me overcome the worst and hardest thing in my life. Without you I would be a walking disaster, but I’m not, I feel like I can overcome anything.” She smiles at me and then I t
urn to Jrdan.

  “Jordan, you have always been the best thing that has ever happened to me and I love you for what you’ve done for me.” I look at the two of them and they are staring at me with no understanding, I don’t even think I understand what is going through my head right now.

  "What are you thinking about Cassie?" Jordan looks at me like he can see the cogs turning.

  "I'm just thinking about what happens next. I've let David control my life for too long. I need to think about the rest of my life. I need to move on, put what happened behind me. I want to help people like me and I think I know how." I'm so excited it's all slotting into place, I can't believe I didn't think about this before.

  "Do you both fancy a walk. I want to show you something," I ask and hope they take me up on it.

  "I'm intrigued by the look on your face, so that's a yes from me," Joyce says.

  I look to Jordan, he looks confused. "Please Jordan, I need you to come too. This involves you in a big way." I move towards him and take his two hands in mine.

  He looks down to me. "I was worried there for a moment you wanted your future without me."

  I go up on my tiptoes and kiss him forcefully on the lips. "Jordan, I have no future without you. You are my everything."

  He smiles his beautiful smile then says, "Come on then, let's go for a walk and see what plans you have for us all."

  We put our coats on, leave the house and walk down towards the seafront. Jordan and I are holding hands while Joyce, on my other side, has our arms linked. I've got to know Joyce very well over the last few months and I like her a lot. She is very good at her job and she has helped me tremendously. She's funny and can get you to talk about things without you even realising you're talking about them.

  When we get to the beach I steer them towards Pebbles café. "Let's go in here and have a drink." I can feel them both looking at me with lots of questions in their eyes.

  "Just go with flow guys," I say laughing. Jordan opens the door for us and Joyce goes in first, I go next and Jordan puts his hand on my lower back to guide me through. I love it when he does that, it feels territorial.