Not Sorry

by Ella Miles

  But it is enough to get me through another week.

  But, when the second week passes, I almost expect him to call again, saying that he isn’t coming home for another week. But, to my relief, he says he is coming home tonight. I just have to make it through one more day at work, and then I’ll get to see him.

  Work has actually been great the last couple of weeks. I have loved being in my new role as manager. I passed my realtor’s license test. I have made dozens of cookies for clients this week. My week has been great. The only downside has been not seeing Sean.

  But, when I get into work on Friday morning, I’m afraid my luck has changed. Because sitting in the office when I first get in is Jamie. She’s crying, sitting at what used to be her desk.

  “Oh, thank God you are the first one here, like always, Olive,” Jamie cries out.

  I walk into Jamie’s office and close the door behind me in case anyone else comes in.

  “What’s going on, Jamie? I thought you were supposed to be on bed rest?” I ask as I walk over to her and tightly hug her.

  Jamie continues to cry as I hold her in my arms.

  “Nicolas broke up with me,” Jamie finally gets out through sobs.

  “Oh, sweetie! I’m so sorry,” I say, holding her tighter.

  I don’t know what to say to make it any better for her. She only dated Nicolas two months before she found out she was pregnant. I’m not sure what she expected. But I know telling her that now isn’t helpful.

  “Are you okay to be out of bed?” I ask.

  Jamie nods. “The doctor said I was fine as long as I take things easy. I was just too stressed at work. But, right now, I need some sort of distraction.”

  I hold on to her. “Why don’t I take you to brunch? Food always makes you feel better, and then you can tell me everything that happened.”

  Jamie nods. “That sounds good. Sean is supposed to be back soon, and he can handle things here for us.”

  I smile. I’m not sure what Sean has told her about me and him. But it hurts me that Sean still talks to her so often, knowing their history. Knowing that they used to work together. Sleep together.

  I stand up. “Let me just check in with everyone here first, and then we can go.”

  Jamie nods.

  But, when I stand up, I feel off. I feel dizzy, sick, like I’m about to puke.

  I close my eyes and sit back down on the ground to try to make the nausea and dizziness go away, assuming that I just stood up too fast. But it doesn’t immediately go away.

  “Olive, are you okay?” Jamie asks.

  I nod and stand up again, but the feeling intensifies.

  “Sorry, no, I’m not okay. I feel sick. Maybe I’m coming down with the flu. I’m sorry, Jamie, but I’m not sure if I can go to brunch with you after all.”

  Jamie studies me a moment and then says, “You’re pregnant.” She doesn’t ask it. She says it.

  I laugh. “You’re crazy. I’m not pregnant. I’m just sick. The flu has been going around here lately.”

  Jamie shakes her head. “I could be wrong. It could be just because I’m pregnant that I expect everyone else to be, too. But humor me, and let’s go get you a pregnancy test.”

  I frown, not understanding at all what is leading her to think I’m pregnant. I look down at the outfit I chose, and then I realize why. I chose a tight-fitting sweater that makes my pooch of a belly stick out just enough for Jamie to think that. I look bigger than Jamie does. Her belly still looks completely flat to me. She works out a lot, which I guess explains it.

  “Please…at the very least, it will distract me,” Jamie says.

  “And what if I’m really sick with the flu? You think hanging out with me while you’re pregnant is a good idea?”

  She huffs. “You’re right. How about you run to the drugstore next door and then come back here and take the test? If it’s negative, then I’ll keep my distance, but if it’s positive…” Jamie lets her sentence trail off.

  I sigh. “Fine,” I say, realizing that Jamie isn’t going to let this go.

  I open the door and go grab my coat. Then, I head outside to walk the half a block to the drugstore to get a pregnancy test that I know is going to be negative.

  I enter the drugstore a couple minutes later and easily find the pregnancy tests. There are about a dozen different brands though, and I have no idea which to choose. So, I just grab the cheapest brand, and then I walk over to the cold-and-flu section and pick up some meds because that is the more likely reason for me feeling so bad. I debate on picking up soup, but I can order delivery later. I’d rather have that than the cans of soup the drugstore carries.

  I pay for the items and then walk back to the office through the freezing cold. I can’t believe I went outside and dealt with the cold just for a freakin’ pregnancy test.

  When I get back to the office, more employees have arrived. I nod and greet them as I walk through the office building, trying my best to hide the contents of my bag. I don’t want any rumors started about me, especially since I know I’m not pregnant.

  I make it back to the office and slam Jamie’s door shut.

  “Did you get the pregnancy test?” Jamie asks.

  “Shh. I don’t want the whole office to know. And, yes.”

  “Well, what are you waiting for? Go take it.”

  I sigh and take the box out of the bag. I quickly read the instructions, not really paying that close attention, as I pull one of the tests out of the box and slip it into my purse. I then put the box back in the bag and hide the bag in the corner of the room in case anyone comes into Jamie’s office while I’m gone.

  “I’ll be right back,” I say.

  “Good luck!” Jamie shouts at me as I leave.

  I sigh. I don’t need luck. I’m not pregnant.

  I walk to the restroom on the third floor that no one from the real estate office ever uses just in case. The restrooms on this floor are single stalls, so when I enter, I lock the door and don’t have to worry about anyone coming in.

  I open the test and pee on the stick, and then I wait. I have to wait three minutes for the results. I set a timer on my phone.

  I feel my heart begin to race as the seconds tick by. I wasn’t nervous before, but I’m nervous now. This is ridiculous. I’m only taking this test because Jamie thinks she has a pregnancy sixth sense now that she is pregnant. I’m not pregnant.

  Sean and I use condoms every time we have sex. Plus, it would be far too soon to know if I was pregnant.

  The timer finally goes off, and then I remember. Owen. I could be pregnant with Owen’s baby.

  I stare at the test, unable to flip it over and read it.

  “This is ridiculous! I’m not pregnant.”

  I walk over to the sink where the test rests and flip it over.

  I walk back into the office to go tell Jamie the news when I freeze.

  I watch as Sean hugs Jamie. It’s clear that Jamie is telling Sean about how Nicolas broke up with her. Sean wraps his arm around her and tightly holds her as they walk into her office together. I watch Sean close the door but not before he gives her a look that I’ve only seen once before—when he told me he loved me. It’s the same look he’s giving her now.

  He still loves Jamie.

  The door shuts, but he slams it too hard, and it bounces open just slightly.

  I don’t know what to do.

  Should I just walk in like I didn’t know that Sean returned?

  Should I just leave and not speak to either of them?

  Should I just wait until one of them comes out of the office?

  I still haven’t decided. But, still, I walk toward the office and hesitate just outside the door.

  I hear Sean’s voice. “I’m so sorry, Jamie. I want to take care of you. I’ll do anything for you and the baby. You know that.”

  I can’t hear this. It will destroy me.

  I turn to walk away when Jamie spots me through the small crack in the door.

>   “Olive!” she says brightly.

  I open the door and step into the office. Sean doesn’t immediately run over and hug me, like I expected. In fact, he stands, frozen, cold. Like he barely even knows me. Not like a man who is in love with me and has fucked me half a dozen times or more.

  “Sean got back early, so we can go to brunch now, if you’re feeling up to it,” Jamie says.

  Sean looks to me. “Are you sick?”

  “No, I’m fine. I’d love to go to brunch with you, Jamie.”

  Jamie’s face lights up when she realizes what it means.

  “Oh my God! I was right then?” Jamie squeals.

  I try to smile, but it’s hard to smile. I nod slowly.

  Jamie runs over and tightly hugs me. “I’m so excited for you!” she squeals.

  I glance over at Sean, who is suspiciously staring at me.

  Jamie finally releases her hold on me.

  “What are we excited about?” Sean asks, looking from me to Jamie, trying to get one of us to give him an answer.

  “Oh, nothing. I’m just excited to go to lunch with a good friend. Nothing you need to worry about,” Jamie says, trying to protect my secret.

  But I can’t hold it in any longer. He needs to know the truth. Now.

  I plaster a fake smile on my face. “I’m pregnant.”

  21

  Sean

  Pregnant.

  Olive can’t be pregnant. We haven’t been having sex long enough for her to know if she is pregnant or not.

  But then, all at once, it hits me. Owen. She’s pregnant with Owen’s baby.

  I can see the fear in her eyes as she pretends to be excited with Jamie about being pregnant.

  “I’m so excited for you and Owen. I know he isn’t the perfect guy, but you two will make great-looking babies! And we get to experience this together! It’s amazing!” Jamie continues on and on.

  I can see the moment that Olive just can’t take hearing Jamie any longer.

  “I think I’m going to be sick. Can I take a rain check until a bit later, Jamie?” Olive asks.

  “Oh, honey! Of course. I’ll send you all my morning-sickness tricks,” Jamie says.

  That’s all it takes for Olive to run out of the room.

  “I’m going to go check on Olive,” I tell Jamie.

  “That’s sweet, but you should just get her some Sprite and crackers for when she gets back,” Jamie says.

  I ignore her and chase Olive down the hallway to the restroom. She goes inside, and I follow her. I lock the door behind us.

  “What are you doing? This is the woman’s restroom,” Olive says.

  “And you aren’t really sick. So, what are you doing in here?”

  Her eyes slowly look up to mine. “I’m running away.”

  I walk toward her, needing to put my arms around her, but she takes a step back.

  “I’m sorry that I ignored you back there, but I wasn’t sure if you wanted Jamie to know about us,” I say.

  She folds her arms across her chest. “I’m not mad that you acted cold toward me back in Jamie’s office. I understand. I really do. I just think we need to stop whatever this is. It doesn’t make sense anymore.”

  I feel like she just slapped me.

  “Why? Because you’re pregnant?” I ask.

  She nods. “I’m pregnant, and you already know it’s not yours.”

  I rub my neck, trying to find the words to defuse the situation. “Yes, I know the baby isn’t mine. But that doesn’t matter. We can still date. Still see where this goes. And, no matter what happens, I will always be here for you and your baby.”

  “Like you are going to be there for Jamie?” she says solemnly.

  “Yes,” I say slowly, not understanding.

  “I think you should just be there for Jamie and not for me. I have plenty of things to worry about without having to worry about where you and I stand.”

  “What are you talking about? I don’t want Jamie. I want you.”

  She shakes her head. “You still love Jamie.”

  I frown but don’t have any words to fix this. I can tell her that I don’t love Jamie, but it is clear that she wouldn’t believe me.

  “I don’t want to give you up,” I say.

  I see the tears starting, but Olive shakes them away.

  “I broke you and Jamie up,” she says almost defiantly.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “About five years ago, I was homeless. I was living on the street. Occasionally, I would get to sleep in a homeless shelter, but I mostly slept on benches in parks, tucked in the doorways of shops, or under highways.

  “One night, I fell asleep on the doorstep of Jamie’s small office. She only had two employees at that time. She had to wake me up to get into her office that day. She was running late, as always, so she asked me if I would get her a coffee. She offered to pay me ten bucks if did it, so I did.

  “And then, the next morning, I got her coffee again. Eventually, she started paying me to be her assistant. She got me off the street and into the apartment that I live in now. She saved me.

  “And so, a year ago, she told me about you. Except she never used your name. She always referred to you as her baby, honey, sweetheart, et cetera. She was so in love—or so she said. She thought you were going to propose soon. She was living the fairy-tale life.

  “But, over the next couple of years, I got to know Jamie. I knew that, even though you had dated on and off for years, she wasn’t ready to settle down. She had a company to run, and all she talked about was, once you proposed, she would sell the company and be a stay-at-home mom. But she wasn’t ready for that. And, from everything I’d heard about you, you weren’t ready for that. So…”

  “So, you broke us up,” I finish for her.

  She nods.

  “You showed her that message,” I say.

  She nods. “You left your phone at her apartment. So, I just let her see what an ass you were.”

  “She broke up with me because she thought I was cheating on her. But I wasn’t.”

  The tears fall now. “I didn’t realize it until later—when your mother texted that she loved you back. I hadn’t realized it was your mother, but by then, Jamie had already broken up with you, and I thought it was for the best. I thought I was saving her from a life of unhappiness. I didn’t want her to give up everything she had worked so hard for. She needed a man who fit into her life.

  “I was one of her closest friends, yet the guy she had been seeing for over a year never even made an attempt to meet me. He never came to her work. She spent most of her time traveling to see him. I didn’t think it was the healthiest relationship.”

  She takes a deep breath.

  “But, now that I see you two together, I realize how mistaken I was. You two are perfect for each other.”

  Her tears flow freely while I’m in a state of shock.

  “I’m so sorry, Sean,” Olive says before she pushes past me, leaving me feeling completely empty.

  My heart is broken. And I have no idea how to put it back together.

  22

  Olive

  I quit.

  I’d been calling in sick all week long, and tonight, I finally quit. Jamie invited me over to her house to get some maternity clothes that she said were too small for her, although I can’t imagine them ever fitting me. And I told her that I was quitting.

  She was sad but understood. I told her I was moving in with Owen, but I’m not sure she bought that. Honestly, I haven’t even talked to Owen yet. I’ve been completely avoiding it like the plague.

  Jamie wanted me to stay and talk about it, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t handle the thought that Sean could come over to her place at any moment or text or call her. Jamie was clearly back to her happy and bubbly self, so I’m guessing that she and Sean are back together.

  I take a brownie from the tray I made earlier today and take a seat on my bed to eat it. Other than talking to Jamie, the only thing
I’ve accomplished all week is baking and then eating everything that I baked. At this rate, I’ll gain a hundred pounds in a month.

  That can’t be good for the baby. I should start making some avocado brownies or something, so at least, I will be getting something other than sugar into me.

  I sigh.

  I’m pregnant, I think, looking down at my stomach.

  It’s something I’ve always said I wanted but not this way with a man I hate. Although I’ve always wanted to be a mother, thinking about the fact that it is actually happening right now scares me to death.

  Because, right now, if you asked me if I wanted a baby, the answer would be no. And that is a horrible thought.

  I need to do something. Plan my life. Maybe then I’ll feel better. If I have a plan for my life. A job. I need to find a new job ASAP if I don’t want to end up back on the street.

  It’s too big to figure out right now. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I have my real estate license. Maybe I could find a job with a new company or start my own. I have skills now. I’ll find something to do.

  There is something I need to do that I’ve been putting off all week. I need to tell Owen. He deserves to know. As much as I never want to see him again, I no longer have that choice.

  I finish my brownie. Then, I get out of bed and get an Uber to Owen’s apartment.

  I’ve paced in front of Owen’s door a dozen times now. I’ve lifted my hand several times to knock, but I’ve come short every single time.

  Sean was wrong. He used to tell me that he thought I was brave and strong. But I don’t have a brave or strong bone in my body right now.

  I stand in front of Owen’s door again. I raise my hand, and then the door suddenly opens.

  “What the hell are you doing, Olive? I’m about to call the police,” Owen says.

  “I’m sor—” But I stop myself before I apologize because I’m not sorry. Not at all. “Can I come in?”