What Could Be (Everyday Love Book 1)

by Jaycee Weaver

  “But then, not only did I learn you were possibly committed to someone else, maybe forever, I also found this.”

  He pulled the spiral notebook from inside his coat and handed it to her.

  “How did you get this?” her voice raised and she looked at him with a mixture of shock and…was that betrayal?

  He held up a hand, looking down in deference. Hopefully she’d give him a chance to explain before letting him have it. “I found it on the ground when I left Monday night. It was right by your car and must have fallen out. I intended to give it back to you right away, but it had fallen open and I couldn’t help but see the page it was open to.

  “My sister, Jenna, is your age. I know she’s made jokes about having a list of what she wants in a guy. I guess I always thought of it as a sort of fluid, changing thing in her head and didn’t put much stock in it. But then I saw yours, there in black and white, spelled out clearly. It hit me hard that even though I,” he cleared his throat, “I, uh, care for you…a lot, I’ll just never be that guy.”

  “Oh Josh, you don’t—”

  “Please let me finish, Brynn. You have this beautiful future ahead of you. You deserve someone who is everything on that list. I saw the other one, too, about Caleb. I could tell you were on the fence and I had every faith you would eventually come to the conclusion he’s not the one for you, either. But reading that,” he jabbed a finger toward the spiral, “if that’s what you want, then that’s what you should have. I know your faith, Brynn, and I have no doubt that God will bring you the man who fits your list perfectly.”

  He pushed his hands against the edge of the vehicle and rose to his feet.

  “I can’t do this anymore, Brynn. It’s not right. I’d never have let us get close had I known you were in a relationship. I know I’ve been redeemed. I know I’ve been forgiven of my past, but even in the midst of my sinful days I have always known not to cross that line.”

  Brynn interrupted, “Caleb and I aren’t together—”

  “And I’m glad,” he acknowledged but went on, “not for me, but for you. But I’ve been falling for you more and more every time I see you, every time we talk, and now that I know the man you want could never be someone like me, I have to stop this. Brendan will still come here, I’ll still pick him up sometimes, but his grandparents want to help out more. It’s best if I just go back to being his dad. I’ll pick him up and leave with a wave like I did back when school first started. If you and I bump into each other elsewhere, we’ll smile and say hello, but otherwise keep going just like you would do with any other parent of one of your students.”

  Even if the mere thought of you with someone better kills me inside.

  “I can’t be friends with you, Brynn. It hurts too much.”

  He stood and walked resolutely around to his truck.

  Brynn shot up off the edge of the SUV and tried to follow.

  “Josh! Wait, I need to tell you—”

  But he couldn’t do it. He flung his hand up in a dismissive wave and closed the door of the truck before he lost his nerve and crawled back to her, begging.

  This was the right thing to do.

  Then why does it hurt so much?

  Chapter 32

  Sunday was a welcome sunrise after a long and lonely Saturday and mostly sleepless night. He hadn’t really slept well since discovering Brynn’s notebook the previous Monday. He’d struggled with his conscience over reading it in the first place, but then most nights after putting Brendan to bed he’d sat in his chair reading the list again and trying to come to terms with the fact that he’d never be that guy. He’d have to let her go before either of them got in too deep.

  The list was obviously important to her. The other pages of the notebook he’d skimmed had given him insight into how her mind worked. These lists were part of what kept her so driven and made her such a success at accomplishing all of the goals she’d shared with him.

  He’d done the right thing, he knew it. The plan to make a clean break was a good one. Hurt like the fires of hades in his heart, but he knew healing would come in time.

  Josh walked into the church auditorium and sat with his parents. His mother looked up and gave him an endearing smile that crinkled the tiny lines at the corners of her eyes. She was a wonderful woman, and Josh could only hope to find someone as incredible for himself someday.

  She patted his knee as he adjusted in the well cushioned chair and reached behind her to clap a hand on his father’s shoulder. This was exactly where he needed to be.

  Praise & worship wasn’t generally his favorite part of the service. Especially today, his thoughts still so wrapped around Brynn that he couldn’t help but remember her singing on stage in her own church that day all those months ago. On the other hand, the songs today were a balm to his soul and cleansing to his heart. He felt engaged in the service in a way he hadn’t felt since those first several months after he’d given his life to Christ.

  A guest pastor was speaking this week, and Josh looked forward to the change of pace. He couldn’t explain it, but he had a strong feeling that this guy had something Josh just needed to hear. Lord, I’m waiting for whatever you’ve got to say to me. And then, bring some healing rain, please. I feel like a dried out dish rag, all hard and wrinkled after being wrung out.

  “Thank you all for having me here today. I’d like to open with a question for you. How do you know when you’re walking in God’s will? Let’s go a little deeper. How do you even determine what God’s will is in any given situation?

  “God’s will is referenced in scripture over 70 times. That’s almost 6 dozen times. So, we can easily see why seeking His will is important.

  “Romans 12:2 tells us, ‘Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing, and perfect will.’

  “When I read this verse, I am reminded of the importance of renewing myself constantly. A lot of people think that once we’ve been saved, that’s it, it’s done. But God is so much better than a fire insurance salesman.”

  The congregation was scattered with chuckles at the subtle joke. Josh shook his head with a groan. Okay, God, not the pep talk I was expecting.

  “Life is constantly interfering with our spiritual walk. It’s easy to become complacent, get distracted. Over time, we find it’s harder to remember what God has done for us and why we actually came to him in the first place. I think this is especially true for those of us who have been believers most of our lives.

  “Spending time reading his Word, making choices that are contrary to the world but in line with what the Bible says, renewing your mind and your spirit often by spending time in his presence. These things are the tools we must employ to be able to test and approve what God’s will is.

  “Hebrews 10:36 promises the good things of God to those who walk in his will. 1 John 2:17 and 1 Thessalonians 4:3 tell us it is God’s will we avoid the temptations of the world. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-17 says, ‘Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.’

  “I could go through all six dozen verses and it would be some variation of the same. For me, it all boils down to this: are you listening to the voice of the Lord in your life? Are you obeying his precepts, walking out his commandments in your everyday life? Are you avoiding the trappings of sin and temptation, being an overcomer and conqueror? Are you resting in his presence, thanking him for every season and every circumstance? Are you praying continually, renewing your mind and spirit? These are the ways you will know God’s will for your life.

  “I challenge you this week, to test and approve what God’s will is in your life when making decisions and plans. Allow yourself time to rest in his presence and to hear his voice. Ask what his will is, and then take time away from the noise and chaos to actually listen and wait for him to show you.”

  Josh shifted in his seat
uncomfortably. His mind drifted back to this past week and the frustrations and near-agony he’d been feeling trying to figure out the best way to handle the situation with Brynn. Sure, he’d prayed, but had he prayed? He’d asked God for strength to do the right thing, but had he even asked what the right thing was in God’s eyes? It had never even occurred to him that the honorable thing might not be the right thing—God’s will.

  That small spark of hope flickered again in his chest. Was it possible that he’d been wrong? Surely it wasn’t too late to ask God to reveal his will even now.

  His mother poked the side of his thigh and he peered over at her to see what she was trying to convey. Her head was bowed and a brief glance around showed the rest of the congregation doing the same. Oops. He’d missed the end of the message. He quickly bowed his head and took advantage of the prayer time.

  Chapter 33

  Brynn

  Brynn spent the morning singing with the worship team in practice and then in service. It was so good. She always enjoyed that part of the service, but today was particularly healing. So much freedom in letting go and letting the words and music flow over her and through her, filling the auditorium. Peering through the bright stage lights into the crowded auditorium, watching all of her fellow believers worship together, many with hands raised was one of her favorite things. Nothing quite felt like those quiet acapella moments when everyone’s voices were lifted together in harmony and praise to their Creator. So, so good.

  She’d just said farewell to the last child in her Sunday school class and was picking up the goldfish crackers off the floor and getting ready to sanitize the toys. Why were these funky tasting little crackers such a staple of childhood snacking? Brynn made a face. She didn’t get it.

  Brynn was surprised at how calm she felt after Friday’s debacle with Josh. She’d been completely shocked that he’d found her notebook with so many of her random lists. Not to mention that really big one. After all of the rolling emotional highs and lows she’d already felt that whole week, she had expected to feel a pull to pray more, or the need to cry things out. Instead, most of the time she felt pretty peaceful that things would work themselves out.

  Okay, except for moments like this, when she kind of wanted to smack his handsome face and tell him to wake up.

  If only he’d have shut his mouth for a few minutes, she thought to herself in annoyance. He didn’t even give me a chance to say anything!

  She slapped the container of sanitizing wipes on the snack table and set to scouring crayon marks. It felt good to work her frustrations out on something. Stupid Josh. Weren’t older guys supposed to have had more time to mature past the idiot stage? She thought she knew him fairly well at this point. But his crazy behavior Friday night, showing up completely unexpected and at first wanting to talk—and then walking away after unceremoniously breaking things off before they could even begin? Argh!

  She was half tempted to hunt down his address and show up on his door step to make him listen to reason, stop acting like a self-sacrificing martyr and man up.

  “Ouch!” Brynn squealed, flinching as her fingernail bent backwards while scratching at a speck of something stuck to the table. She stuck her nail in her mouth and then shook it out. She blew a breath of cold air across it to soothe the sting. Dang! There must be something stuck deep under there!

  And that’s when it hit her.

  Something in her list stuck deep inside Josh. His preemptive action wasn’t just him sacrificing his own feelings so she would someday find the perfect guy on her list. He was protecting his own heart. Could he actually believe that he didn’t meet some criteria? Why couldn’t he have given her a chance to just explain how God had already convicted her about that stupid list and nullified it in her heart?

  Rubbing her sore finger, she walked toward her back pack and reached inside for the familiar little book. She sat on one of the tiny child-size chairs and flipped it open to the list of qualities she’d spent so many years thinking about, praying about, adding to, refining, and basically making an idol out of for too long. Stupid list. But what could have caused the crushing look of defeat she’d seen in his eyes? She scanned the list point by point until one line stood out above the rest.

  Willing to wait—and hopefully still a virgin, too

  Oh, no. No, no, no. If Josh had truly been falling for her like he’d claimed….

  Her heart ached for the pain Josh must have felt at reading that. She knew his history and had seen the regret wash over his face when he’d told her his testimony those months ago on that beautiful fall night they’d first shared a real heart-to-heart.

  Her mind went back to a special service they’d had in youth group several years back when a couple of the leaders in the church had spoken to the then-teens about sex and relationships. Both the husband and the wife had shared their rather colorful pasts, speaking openly to the teens about the choices they had made and how God had redeemed them not only as individuals, but as a couple. But they also shared the deep regrets they felt, and she could clearly recall the look in their eyes—that even forgiven and redeemed, they sometimes wished they could go back and take a different path.

  That open, honest conversation with those leaders had left an imprint on Brynn’s heart. One she’d recalled often when physical relationships with boyfriends, especially Aiden, had led to temptation and ignited desires that weren’t always easy to control. She’d ultimately had the strength to say no because of that look in the couple’s eyes, knowing she didn’t want to experience that regret.

  It wasn’t self-righteousness that kept her from falling. It wasn’t a strength of faith or even character. It was the understanding of the greater impact sharing her body could have on future relationships—the fear of living with regret. And above all, it was empathy.

  Brynn had the rare ability to really put herself in others’ shoes and identify with their feelings. Empathy was one of her strengths and made her a compassionate person. She wanted to help people, not be another cause for them to hurt. There was more than enough hurt in the world already.

  Making godly choices for her own life didn’t mean she couldn’t understand and identify with those who chose differently. If anything, it helped her to realize that each individual’s life experiences made them who they were, and it was God and God alone who could change a human heart. All she could do was live, love, and be there, be kind, and pray for God to do his thing.

  And now, she resolved to do something that God was whispering to her heart needed to be done.

  Yes! Her heart drummed a nervous staccato, happy she’d found what she’d been looking for. Thankfully, Brynn had computerized all of the educational collaborative’s files. She’d emailed the file to Patricia shortly after school had started. Once she’d raced back home and booted up the laptop in her bedroom, she had simply needed to log in to her work email and was quickly able to find the file and download it. In minutes, she had Josh’s home address.

  She entered the address into her phone’s GPS, grabbed her keys and slid into the driver’s seat of her SUV. She glanced at the clock on the dash, heart racing. A sense of urgency like she’d never felt washed over her. She had to get to Josh, to make him realize how much—

  She loved him.

  Whoa. Warmth spread through her body. Her stomach did a little flip. She clenched the steering wheel tighter and only half-listened to the voice on the GPS guiding her turn by turn. She was otherwise on auto pilot, realizing the depth of feelings that had been growing steadily with each encounter these past months.

  Memories of his single-sided dimple appearing with his cheeky grin when he’d tease Brendan…or her. Images of him smiling across the room or the grass field when he’d watch his son play. The feel of his presence behind her…when had she started being able to identify that? Seeing him at the table of the coffee shop, the duck pond, and other random places he’d turned up. Holding hands with Brendan, the two of them swinging his sturdy little body betwee
n them as they walked to watch the hot air balloon fill. His openness to share with her his feelings, his past, his hopes.

  She hadn’t wanted to lead him on, so she’d kept him in a friend zone of sorts, but all the while she’d been falling for him unaware.

  For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.

  The verse from Isaiah whispered through her, and the warmth she felt grew stronger.

  For all the healing God had been doing in her, closing the door on Aiden and bringing her to forgiveness…revealing her heart’s desire for teaching and giving her the strength to pursue it…bringing closure to everything with Caleb and sealing their friendship…opening her heart to care for Josh…in all of it, God was showing her it was now time to help bring healing to Josh.

  As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.

  The final piece of her own healing clicked into place. She’d felt her need to cling to The List diminishing for a while now, but as she turned the last right into his neighborhood and began searching the house numbers, it was done. She no longer needed a list of ultimate qualities to protect her heart, keep her on a certain path, or for any other purpose. She simply needed to rely on the Lord she professed to believe in and actually live the faith she proclaimed. If God is Jehovah Jireh, the ultimate provider, the author and finisher of her faith, then He knew what he was doing and would take care of her future. She loved the soaring feeling of that last choking shackle being broken from her heart.

  Chapter 34

  Josh

  The peal of the doorbell pulled Josh out of his reverie. Lifting his head from the prayerful stance he’d assumed since coming home from church earlier in the day, he forced his legs to stand and stretch.