What Could Be (Everyday Love Book 1)

by Jaycee Weaver

  Desperate for anything to give him an inkling of hope, he flipped through the spiral further. The first page that caught his eye was another list. He skimmed ahead and saw more lists. His head dropped and a sad smile swept his lips. This spiral was so Brynn. She really was the overthinking list maker she’d claimed to be. And he still loved her for it.

  He loved her.

  The realization washed over him like a crowning wave dragging him under the tide. No wonder he felt like he was dying. If she really was getting engaged to someone else, never having breathed a word about a boyfriend in all the times they’d talked with each other—hours!—and knowing he fell so short of her list that he’d probably never even crossed her mind as a viable candidate, then no wonder he was suffocating. Drowning? He didn’t know. Whatever was happening, it was overwhelming and oppressive.

  His hand, seemingly of its own accord, flipped the spiral to a page titled simply, Caleb.

  The entire page was filled with her lovely handwriting, two clear columns of pros and cons stacked one after another. Sometimes she had turned a pro into a con and vice versa, before crossing the item out entirely and scrawling something new just below. The edges of the page were crammed with doodles. Swirls and vines filled the corners. He couldn’t make sense of most of it, but the tiniest spark of hope pinched his breaking heart at the realization that maybe she wasn’t quite ready to accept a proposal from someone who she felt ignored her, was too focused on school and work, and hadn’t been to church in far too long for her liking.

  Okay, so he could admit that he probably shouldn’t have read this list. But she seemed to be debating this guy’s traits and comparing them to her ultimate man list. And it didn’t seem all sunshine and roses from what he could infer.

  Desperate, he fanned the pages while skimming the other titles. Mostly it was insignificant stuff, list after list in multiple colors of ink, many crinkled around the edges from frequent perusal, especially the ones dedicated to education vs. nursing. But the one title he’d more than half-hoped to see wasn’t in the notebook.

  His own name.

  Did she even think of him that way? Surely if she did, she’d have felt enough inner conflict about him to make a list. Wouldn’t she have felt guilty enough about having a boyfriend and spending time growing a friendship with someone else? Surely she’d have needed to process her feelings about him, if she’d had any. That should have prompted a list, right? But there was nothing in the notebook that he could see to give him any further hope that he’d ever occupied even a moment of her thoughts, let alone her heart.

  He was so stupid. She really did only see him as the single dad of one of her students that she’d run into a few times and formed a sort of friendship with. At best.

  He closed the spiral and threw it over onto the couch. Josh got to his feet, threw the empty water bottle into the recycling bin and crawled into bed, knowing he probably wouldn’t sleep a wink.

  Chapter 31

  Brynn

  What a mess.

  It was finally Friday, the longest day at the end of the longest week she’d ever known.

  On Monday night, Gina had peeked through the dividing door between classrooms and looked distraught that Josh had clearly heard both her own exclamation about the proposal and Brynn’s shushing, and then had left in a shell-shocked daze.

  Brynn hadn’t seen or heard from him since, and not for lack of trying. She’d wanted to send him a text right away, but Gina had advised against it. Gina’s plan was for Brynn to take him aside in person when he picked up Brendan the next day. Let him see her ring-less finger and have that do most of the talking if necessary. Gina felt so bad for blabbing in public that she’d even volunteered to work every closing shift that week so Brynn would have the chance to talk to him.

  Instead, all week Brendan had been picked up by one set of his grandparents or the other. All of whom had been ecstatic to see Brendan, though Josh’s mother had seemed to be studying her and that had left her completely confused. Was the woman mad at her? Trying to figure something out? What was going on?

  She and Caleb both had projects to wrap up, what with finals coming up. November was finally gone and the rest of December would come roaring in with all of its hustle, bustle, and chaos before she knew it. At first, she’d been frustrated to have to wait until late Wednesday night to finally have a chance to talk with Caleb. But now, two days later, she was glad it had worked out the way it had.

  Wednesday after class she had taken the usual bag of burgers and fries from their favorite local joint to his apartment. After they’d eaten in a semi-uncomfortable silence, Brynn had brought up the proposal. She knew Caleb had noticed her bare ring finger. His tense body language and strained voice were clear indicators. She’d thought for all of about ten seconds of putting it on a chain while she deliberated her course of action, but it had never felt right.

  So, she’d gone with the truth. She shared her heart with Caleb, being more open and honest with him than she had ever been. She’d shared her concerns, her hopes, and dreams for how she envisioned her future. She’d told him of her frustrations at his tendency to all-to-often place work and projects, even the ones not due for weeks, ahead of her. With a hand up and a head dip, she’d acknowledged his need for her patience in those things due to the demand on his time from school. When she pointed out his workaholic tendencies even with a summer internship, he finally conceded her perspective.

  Caleb had told her that he’d been praying pretty hard about everything since the night he’d popped the question, and with sincerity in his eyes, revealed that he’d pretty much known it would be a “no” once she’d asked for some time. And, admittedly, possibly even before that.

  They talked for several hours that night, both finally openly recognizing that all along they’d been far more like good friends than future lovers. Some of the concerns that she had addressed with no one but God, Caleb had brought up and acknowledged as one more reason why he finally could accept that maybe they weren’t made for each other for a forever kind of love, but rather for lifelong friendship.

  By the end of the night, Caleb had even made a joke about keeping the ring to use as a means to “trade up” for a new ring for an as-of-yet-unknown future bride-to-be’s. She gently but teasingly let him know that for future reference, McDonald’s over shakes probably wasn’t the best place to ask the love of his life to marry him. He’d given her a rueful smile and agreed.

  It was so, so good. She loved him all the more for his kindness toward her, his understanding, and ability to infuse the whole conversation and experience with logic and humor.

  And now she was gloriously, joyfully single. Or, well, she would be joyful if not for the crushing emptiness she felt when she thought of Josh possibly hurting. Had Gina really said he’d looked shell-shocked?

  Clutching the detailed illustration Brendan had just completed before his walking cliché of a mother had arrived to pick him up for her weekend, Brynn slumped onto one of the bean bag chairs. The sheet was filled with a squiggly high-ponytail wearing Brynn lookalike, in a crown and white bridal princess gown. Beside her was a small boy with a sword drawn, a bad guy’s eyes crossed with Xs and slumped on the floor. In the very background was a sad looking superhero.

  When she’d asked Brendan to describe the picture, he’d simply told her, “It’s the story I play at home with my toys. The superheroes have to rescue the princess from the bad guy who wants to lock her up in his tower. Me and my dad played it last weekend, but he doesn’t like the game anymore. He looked real sad like this guy all week so I don’t ask him to play.”

  Sweet baby looked so forlorn her heart clenched and she’d had to swallow hard to keep the lump in her throat down. Her eyes were hot.

  Well, she’d finally gotten her confirmation that Josh was upset and had definitely overheard Gina on Monday. But what was she supposed to do? She’d tried texting him so many times all week, but he never responded.

  Hey, Jos
h, I think you might have overhead something the other day that was totally out of context. Can I explain?

  Hey, everything ok? Skye’s parents came to pick up Brendan and I was hoping to talk to you.

  Are you out of town?

  Are you avoiding me?

  What is going on, Josh. Please. I thought we were friends enough at this point to talk through misunderstandings.

  Each message that went unanswered, she felt a little more frustrated and a lot more worried.

  She was left with no other option but praying. Hard.

  The long days and moments between classes, she prayed. Between meetings with her counselor and advisor, she prayed. As she sat down to compile her packet and write the essay for admission to the College of Ed, she prayed. As she drove to Cordova and opened the classroom for the afternoon, she prayed.

  Monday she’d prayed that Josh hadn’t actually overheard Gina’s proclamation. And that if he had, he’d give her a chance to explain. She prayed for God to speak to Caleb’s heart and uplift them both.

  Tuesday she’d prayed for the words to say to Caleb that would preserve their friendship. She’d prayed over making the right commitment and being free to move forward.

  Wednesday, she prayed over the situation with Caleb more than ever and found peace in knowing for certain she was making the right decision. Her heart had whispered back to her how much she was loved and held in the Lord’s hands and that He would work all things for the good of those He loves. She’d prayed that over Josh, too.

  By Thursday, her heart was ragged. She’d turned in her admission packet to the College of Ed at UNM and was committed to the transfer. She hadn’t spoken to Josh in over a week, and it had been four days since Gina had watched him robotically flee the room with Brendan. Her overthinking brain had worked through every possible scenario, all the ways he may have misinterpreted what Gina had said, all the ways he might have felt betrayed knowing that she hadn’t ever thought to mention Caleb in all their conversations. And why hadn’t she ever thought to mention Caleb?

  Friday she’d finally had enough. Josh was blatantly avoiding her, and she was, no other term for it, pissed off. If he wasn’t going to man up and talk things out with her, then maybe he wasn’t the man she’d thought he was.

  So there she stood, crinkled drawing in hand, unsure what to do next. She missed him. So much. Not seeing Josh all week had left a growing ache in her heart she’d never experienced before. Not even when she and Aiden had been separated by an 8-hour drive for months at a time had she felt the ache of missing someone so much. That in itself was troubling.

  Maybe it was the lack of resolution, the fear of the unknown, the uncertainty of what the future might or might not hold that grew the ache, but Brynn didn’t think that was it. Even with all her school and work commitments and all the myriad other demands on her time this week, or probably the result of all that praying, Brynn could see how very much she’d grown to care for this sweet man.

  He didn’t check off all the boxes on her List. Heck, he didn’t really check off half of them.

  But with all that praying came the voice of the Holy Spirit whispering to her in answer, in dreams, in the car at random moments.

  Who wrote your list?

  Who told your heart what to ask for?

  Have you given control to the One to whom that list—your future—truly belongs?

  Trust me.

  And oh, how she had cried when she’d realized that even after God had used the heartbreak after Aiden to show her that her List wasn’t hers, she was still trying to rewrite the list on her own based on her own silly fantasies and ideals. How she’d poured her heart out in her prayer journal this week right before falling asleep each night, asking for forgiveness and resolving to place her future in the Lord’s hands for real this time. Dedicating that ridiculous list to Jeremiah 29:11, knowing full well that God knows the plans he has for her. Resting her spirit in Psalm 37:4, that when she delighted in the Lord, he’d not only grant the desires of her heart, but He’d be the one to put those desires there.

  And many of those desires were for Josh. She knew it now. She still didn’t know if he was The One, but she knew that God would tell her in the right time. She’d know it all in good time—er, God’s time.

  Brynn examined Brendan’s drawing one final time, rising from the bean bag chair she’d collapsed in, and folded the paper in half. She retrieved her things and tucked the page into the side of her purse and checked the building one final time before flicking off the lights and locking the door. She gave the parking lot a cursory scan, but seeing no movement and not feeling any creepy sensations, she kept her head down and forced her heavy feet to make their way across to her car.

  “You wanted to talk?”

  Her head snapped up at the voice that simultaneously made her heart skip and stomach flip. A shadowy figure leaned casually against her car, but she knew that outline.

  Josh. She couldn’t help the smile that touched her lips.

  Josh

  Brynn launched herself at him, a completely unexpected movement, and he didn’t have time to brace himself for it. Instead, he barely managed to catch her in his arms, which responded immediately and pulled her close. The fragrance of her apple shampoo filled his senses and he breathed her in. Man, this felt good.

  Recovering his senses, Josh stiffened and released her from the embrace. There was no way he could enjoy the contact without getting everything out in the open. He couldn’t help but smile a little at her reaction to his presence, though. Why did she have to be so cute? The rush from holding her took a nosedive and landed somewhere in his feet.

  “So, I take it by your hug that you aren’t engaged? Because if you are, I’ve got to say that I’d hate to be in your fiancé’s shoes.” His tone was wry.

  She blushed and wrung her hands awkwardly before answering in a voice so quiet he almost didn’t hear. “I’m not engaged.”

  “Well, that’s good news. Especially considering I didn’t even know you had someone in your life you’d potentially get engaged to.” He tried hard to swallow the bitterness in his voice. It had been a rough week. “I thought we were friends, Brynn. Friends tell each other those kinds of things.”

  “I know,” she replied, still quiet. “I need you to understand that I didn’t intentionally not tell you about Caleb. In fact, I think I’ve mentioned his name in conversation before, I just never clarified the relationship.”

  “I—uh, shoot.” He cleared his throat roughly. “I don’t even know what to say, Brynn. Part of me knows I’m just the father of one of your students, someone who’s run into you a few times here and there the past few months. Sure, we’ve had some truly fantastic conversations and I thought—” he sighed, “I thought…maybe we’d become friends…maybe even a chance for something more. I guess that was just all in my imagination. I was misreading things.”

  “No, you didn’t misread things,” she whispered, her head down. “Caleb and I were just friends for a long time, until about a year or so ago when he started to pursue more. I wasn’t sure, in fact, I was really hesitant for a long time. But Caleb was sweet and had proven himself a trustworthy guy who wouldn’t crush me like Aiden had. Eventually, I gave in and we started dating.

  “This summer, I started realizing that I probably wasn’t feeling about him the way a girlfriend should. He had an internship over the break and then school this semester, and both kind of revealed he’s a bit of a workaholic. I mean, I’m not some high maintenance needy chick or anything, but I would expect to be at least a bit of a priority. The past six months I’ve felt…well…things have been off and I’ve been praying a lot about what to do about it.

  “I finally got up the nerve to talk to him about how I felt a month or so ago and it was better for a little while. Sort of. I don’t know why, but he apparently thought the best way to prove his commitment to our relationship was to propose over Thanksgiving.

  “I’ve known for a while that
I needed to break things off. See,” she paused, flicking her eyes up at him briefly before continuing, “I knew it was wrong to be in a relationship with someone while my feelings were growing…elsewhere. After being cheated on by Aiden, I know how that feels and I would never, ever let myself get to a point of temptation in that regard. But, I can’t help that my feelings have changed.”

  Hope sparked to life in his chest. “How so?”

  She looked east toward the mountains, though it was so dark outside at this point it was hard to make out their lines against the horizon. He recalled her doing the same thing other nights they’d stayed out here, just talking. Couldn’t blame her, really. The Sandia mountains grounded him, too.

  “Josh, I—.”

  Before she could explain, he remembered his resolve. He’d come here tonight for a reason. Maybe it was possible she had feelings for him, but he was older, wiser, and needed to be strong enough to nip feelings in the bud now before they both wound up crushed down the road.

  “It’s okay, Brynn. You don’t have to say anything more. But I do. Do you mind?”

  “Okay.”

  “Mind if we sit for a bit?”

  She nodded and moved to the rear of the SUV and opened the back so they could sit inside the ledge like they had back in the fall. Tonight, the early December air was cold with a threat of snow to come. Winter was slowly creeping in, and there was a noticeable temperature difference. Brynn shivered in her coat and reached behind her for the little blanket stored there. He waited for her to look at him again before speaking.

  “I have truly enjoyed getting to know you the past several months, Brynn. You’re so different from anyone else I’ve ever known. I can’t help admire the way you are with the kids, especially Brendan. I never have to worry about my son feeling loved and cared for when he’s with you, because you just exude love from your whole being. Maybe that’s why I felt such a connection to you.