What Could Be (Everyday Love Book 1)

by Jaycee Weaver

  Thanksgiving had been so perfect. She’d had that wonderful coffee with Josh, come home, and shared a delicious meal with her family while announcing her decision to return to education. They’d been so pleased and had all surrounded her with hugs and cries of support. They’d all played games while sneaking back into the kitchen for thirds and fourths and nibbles of dessert well into the night. It had been absolutely perfect.

  Then Friday happened.

  Caleb had texted her a few times that week asking to spend Black Friday with her. Apparently, he’d finally wrapped up his big project that he’d been working on most of the semester. He still had a lot of tweaks to make before submitting it the first week of December and had to write up a paper for another class, which he was dreading, being a computer guy and most definitely not a writing guy—his words. But he had wanted to make Friday an all-day date to make up for being so absent all semester.

  She’d tried to pry out of him the plans, knowing she was not a big fan of surprises. But all he would tell her was to dress for outdoor weather and relax. She’d trusted him, but her stomach had done a nosedive. A premonition? She had a weird feeling about the whole thing.

  He’d picked her up and they’d driven from Albuquerque up into the Jemez mountains and around through the Valles Caldera, one of her favorite drives in New Mexico. She’d enjoyed the scenery, as always, but Caleb had been strangely quiet most of the drive. Which was also odd, considering how much of a chatterbox he usually was for a guy.

  That had left her with way too much time in her own head. And she’d spent an awful lot of time praying about things on Thursday, in between reliving the coffee conversation with Josh and random chats with Gina, and trying to sort out the jumble of feelings cluttering her mind. The quiet in the car had made the walls feel like they were closing in on her. Thank God, she’d had plenty of free space on her phone to take a ton of pictures, because she’d had Caleb make frequent stops just to break up the awkward silences and claustrophobia she’d felt.

  Once they’d passed through the village of Jemez Springs, she’d pretty much decided that it was time to let Caleb down gently. She was finally ready to be honest with herself and had been forced herself to acknowledge how off things had been between her and Caleb, and for just how long.

  She’d made a list of pros and cons regarding their relationship, the highs and lows, his good qualities and the things she now knew were missing with him—no, them. She’d started to craft a speech and everything when suddenly Caleb had found his voice. She had been peering out into the many layers of trees and underbrush looking for deer, amazed as always at the height of the trees and filled with sorrow at the charred remnants of the most recent forest fire that had left so many felled like battlefield warriors.

  He had started talking about his various projects, some of which she’d already heard plenty about over the last few months since during their sporadic phone conversations and periodic visits together that was pretty much all he talked about. Then he went on to ask her about her own schooling.

  Seizing the opening, she proceeded to share her heart about all the ways God had been speaking to her about returning to education and confirming it right and left the last month or so. His frown seemed to deepen the longer she went on, and even through her enthusiasm he seemed to get more agitated.

  “I thought we’d talked about this and you were leaning towards just finishing up your nursing degree since you’re so close?” he had asked.

  “No, I told you, I’ve been really struggling with this. I told you I was considering going back to education, and you said you didn’t agree and then got distracted by something in your programming.”

  She had tried to keep her voice level, but all of her pent-up frustrations were on the verge of spilling out. Mount Vesuvius was bubbling under the surface and if he didn’t watch himself, she’d be spewing molten crazy all over him.

  “You’re right, Brynn, and I can hear how excited you are to have made the decision. You sound more relaxed and in control, and judging by all the examples of where you’ve seen God moving through it all, He must be doing something there that I can’t see yet. But I’m happy for you.” He had reached over then, and grabbed her hand, his thumb stroking across the tops of her knuckles as he gave her a weak smile.

  The gesture had immediately cooled the boiling magma within. In that moment, she’d recalled so many other times he had been able to calm her torrent of emotions and soothe her with his apt words and gentle touch. His affirmation meant a lot to her, and he had picked up on that like he always did. He knew her so well.

  Or, she had thought he did. What came next had her reconsidering.

  Coming out of the Valles Caldera and pulling into Los Alamos, he drove them to a fast food place for milkshakes. She made a bathroom stop while he ordered and then he took a turn while she found an open hard booth in the corner, debating on ordering fries to go with it.

  “So, I’ve been thinking,” he had begun.

  “Oh?”

  “Yeah,” he’d hesitated, wrapping the straw wrapper around his finger and then unwrapping it several times before continuing.

  His eyes had met hers and he looked nervous. Of course, if she’d known where the conversation was headed she would have understood why and probably intervened.

  “So, the Labs had this program they do where they offer full-time positions to select new graduates, contingent on them getting their master’s degrees. But get this, they actually pay for you to get your master’s, plus a stipend for your ‘salary’ to cover living expenses at whatever school you’re admitted to off their list. Then as long as you meet their timeframe and GPA requirements, they guarantee you a job under contract for a certain number of years.

  “I think I told you a little bit about the program last semester, but I didn’t really talk much about it because I wasn’t sure I’d get selected. I applied to UT Austin and just got my acceptance letter.”

  He paused to pull out a slightly crinkled envelope folded in half from his back pocket. He unfurled it and smoothed it out, turning it toward her.

  “I also got into the program with the Labs. This is huge, Brynn. I have two years to get my Master’s degree in computer science or engineering to qualify and then I’ll be making a huge salary.”

  He had reached over, then, and picked up her hand and looked so lovingly into her eyes. Her breath had hitched and her stomach had flip flopped, both joy and dread quickening her heart simultaneously. His other hand remained in his pocket, but she could see he was fiddling with something nervously.

  “I…I was hoping that you would join me there in Austin after you graduate. We’d only be apart my first year, which being your last year in school will probably be crazy busy and stressful for you anyway. I thought,” he swallowed hard, “I thought a year and a half would be long enough to plan a wedding during all of our school stress.

  “What do you say, Brynn? Would you want to marry me the summer after you graduate? We could spend a year in Austin together and then come home and buy a house and get started on all those dreams we’ve talked about for so long?”

  All of the breath her lungs had been holding rushed out in a forceful whoosh.

  She was completely speechless.

  After all the ups and downs of this semester, the doubts and uncertainty, the frustrations of not seeing each other and trying to squeeze in time to talk—let alone see each other—he decides now is the time to propose?

  Here? In the middle of a Los Alamos McD’s over milkshakes?

  He had taken her moment of stunned silence to produce a small diamond ring from his pocket and extended it in her direction. It was lovely, actually. He’d shown that he actually had been listening to her when they’d randomly talked about such things last summer, when everything felt so fresh and full of possibility.

  Not that she’d been talking specifically for herself, or about them, but when others in their circle got engaged, that sort of thing came up.


  She was touched at the little details he had obviously remembered when selecting a ring to offer her. She flicked her gaze up from the ring to his eyes, and…nothing.

  How did she feel nothing?

  With Aiden, the mere thought of him proposing had sent her heart thumping and all of her girlish fantasies into a tizzy. She’d dreamed of their wedding, the rings, the children they would have. The home they would build, the way they would go for walks as aged great grandparents, hand in hand until the end like in The Notebook. Probably why it’d been so hard to get over and move past.

  But here, now, this sweet man who obviously cared deeply for her was proposing. Proposing! And she couldn’t think of a thing to say. There wasn’t a butterfly to be felt knocking around her belly. No flush of anticipation. Shouldn’t she be feeling something?

  “Caleb? Can I have some time to think about it?” she blurted before her brain could shut her mouth.

  He had frozen, obviously not expecting that response. But being the understanding, logical intellectual that he was, quickly recovered. He held one of her hands and brushed her knuckles again as he gave her a wan smile.

  “Of course, sweetheart. It’s a big step for us. I just wanted you to know I’ve been giving it a lot of thought. I know things have been a little off this semester, but you need to know I am committed to us. I know getting married before you graduate isn’t on your timeline, and it’s probably not smart anyway. So I figured the next best thing is the year after. But this way, you know I’m not avoiding the subject. I’ve been thinking it over and I want to be with you. Forever.”

  Still stunned, Brynn couldn’t do anything but give a slight nod. She slid from the booth, extracted her hand, and raced to the bathroom. There she splashed cold water on her face and fought to stop the rising panic.

  Because as soon as she had risen to her feet, all of the lack of feeling she’d experienced at the moment she’d seen the ring suddenly became a violent, raging panic. Not butterflies, no, there were stinking pterosaurs spanning their wings in her gut. Or those huge dragon bird things she’d seen them riding in Avatar when she was younger. Ugh, she watched too many movies.

  She had composed herself enough to put on a mostly genuine smile, after forcing herself to recall every single one of Caleb’s wonderful traits and several of their good memories together. She could make it the 45-minute drive home. Sure. No problem.

  Saturday she’d spent the day avoiding the world. For all her disdain for Black Friday, she had forced herself to brave the crowds and go shopping on Saturday. She needed to avoid people she knew at all cost. There was no way she would be able to rationally explain her feelings and the panic accompanying them to anyone just yet. She’d need to tell her mom and get some wisdom, and she wanted to talk it through with Gina, but it just wasn’t going to happen Saturday.

  So here it was, Sunday, and even after a beautiful message by Pastor Randy, and a lovely round of worship and singing her heart out with the congregation, she was still completely discombobulated.

  Lord, this can NOT be the sign I asked you for, can it? Because I’m pretty sure a girl who is excited about the guy she’s supposed to marry should not be having a panic attack, end-of-days melt down. Every right decision I’ve made has given me peace, not panic.

  Help me here, Lord. I don’t know what to do.

  Okay, yeah, I know what to do. I’ve known it all along. Help me find peace and confirmation that this is the right decision, please. Help me find the words I need.

  Brynn stopped her pacing and picked up her favorite spiral notebook. She’d make the decision and get things set in motion.

  Right after she made a new list.

  Chapter 30

  Josh

  Mondays were the worst. And the best.

  The worst because, well, Monday. Work had been a hustle of meetings and a bustle of phone calls and syncing of calendars with the staff. All of it demanding and exhausting.

  The best, for a few reasons. First, Carly apparently had found her perfect match over the break with some guy in another office on one of the other floors of their building, and seeing them making out in the elevator earlier had made him ridiculously happy. No matter how awkward it had been to turn away from the tongue bathing he’d like to bleach from his memory. Second, he was going to get to see Brynn after several very good, but long, days.

  His truck made it into the school lot virtually on auto pilot, so absorbed in thoughts of seeing Brynn he was. Josh began whistling the song that had just been playing on the radio as he practically hopped up the ramp to the classroom.

  He couldn’t wait to find out about her holiday with her family and to tell her about his and the success of the gala. Too bad she and Gina hadn’t been able to come. Maybe the next one? He smiled at the hopeful thought.

  “I still cannot believe he actually proposed!” he heard Gina exclaim. “He even bought you a ring? Seriously?!”

  Brynn’s whispered hiss came through the doorway from the other room, “Shh! Gina! This is not the right time or place to talk about it!”

  Uh, say what? A half-ton kettle bell swung into his stomach couldn’t have knocked the wind out of him harder. His legs began a retreat of their own accord and the back of his knees crashed into a nearby table, banging the little chairs together.

  Gina swung around to investigate the noise and her round face blanched at the sight of him. She immediately closed the door between the two rooms and rushed over to tap Brendan, who was playing a computer game, on the shoulder. A very stunned Josh greeted his little boy. Without so much as blinking Josh grabbed Brendan’s things. He turned and mechanically walked out of the building and out into the dark night.

  Brendan must have sensed something was off because he walked silently beside his father, hand in hand. Josh managed to rouse himself enough to scan the parking lot before crossing to the truck. His gaze landed on Brynn’s little SUV, not far from where he had intentionally parked. Absently rubbing at the pang in his chest, he noticed something fluttering in the evening breeze, a sliver of white reflecting off the overhead lights.

  He walked slowly but intently to it, and as he bent down just in front of her driver’s side door, realized it was a small notebook. It was one of those lightweight spiral single subject notebooks stores sold for practically pennies during the back-to-school sales. It was open, as if it had fallen unnoticed from her SUV in the middle of working on something.

  His initial intention was to close it and leave it where it had landed so she’d see it in a little while when she left for the night. Then he considered handing it to Brendan to run back to the building and hand deliver for safekeeping. But when he turned it face up, his eyes landed on the top of the open page.

  The One

  A quick scan in the dim overhead lights of the parking lot revealed several surprising character qualities and other things. This was obviously personal and private stuff, but he couldn’t make himself put it down.

  Josh closed the notebook and shoved it under his arm and helped Brendan into the truck for the short drive home.

  He forced himself out of the overwhelming funk that he’d settled into since hearing about Brynn’s possible proposal, or whatever it was, and helped Brendan complete his homework. He went through the motions of making dinner and even managed to eat some of it, supervise Brendan’s bath, and tuck his little man into bed after two stories and at least three hugs. The sweet kid must have known something was wrong with his daddy, because he’d been very calm all evening and had been extra huggy all night. Good instincts, because Josh had needed exactly those things.

  Finally, having put on his flannel lounge pants and a soft tee shirt, Josh settled into his recliner with a beer and Brynn’s notebook. He caressed the cover with one hand, debating on whether or not to open it and read. He knew it probably held knowledge he shouldn’t be privy to. The list he’d already skimmed was obviously private.

  Right or wrong, he had to look. If there were any
answers, anything that might help him figure out what was going on and really see what kind of person he’d been falling for, he had to know. He couldn’t just sit here and wallow in self-pity. What if he had things all wrong and was feeling whatever this was, for nothing? It wasn’t even a choice, really.

  He swallowed a swig of the local microbrew he loved and set it down on the side table before gingerly opening the spiral to the doodle covered, well-worn page he’d already seen. The first few lines weren’t so bad.

  The One

  Loves God

  Loves and respects his family—especially his parents

  Respects me, and others

  Faithful

  Makes me feel like a priority

  Has a solid job he’s passionate about

  Wants a bunch of kids

  Taller than me (so I can wear heels if I want!)

  And then the list took a turn that made everything in his stomach go sour and sink down to his toes.

  Willing to wait—and hopefully still a virgin, too

  Desires to be in some kind of ministry

  I love thick, dark hair that’s kind of long

  Responsible, makes good choices for his life

  Someone I can trust implicitly

  There were a few other qualities that probably weren’t all that important, little things that made him almost smile because he could hear her saying them out loud and then justifying them even though they were silly.

  What killed him the most though, was reading and rereading her desire for an unspoiled husband. A responsible man who made good choices for his life and could be trusted. Here he was, a reformed semi-playboy who’d sullied his own name more than enough times, and was now reading her private thoughts. If that didn’t break her trust, he didn’t know what would.

  Hopelessness curled over him like a poisoned mist. He choked on the deadly fumes, the realization that he would never be what Brynn wanted suffocating him and squeezing his heart with an iron grip.