Panic (The Flaw Series)

by Ringbloom, Ryan

  She unfolds her arms, catching the money into her hand. I turn to leave and she starts talking. “I’m sorry, you know,” she apologizes, stopping me from walking any farther. “I never would have said yes that night if I knew something like this would happen. You were the only person I was ever with and it was only that one time. Corey’s just a friend. He’s helping me out, giving me more hours and just someone to talk to. This whole thing has been really scary for me.”

  I’ve been putting off seeing her ‘cause I’m scared, too. It’s time for me to take responsibility and deal with this. I can’t be “the Kid” forever. There’s a new role I need to man up for.

  “I can help if you let me. I’ll give you what money I can and we can talk. I can be the one here for you. You can talk to me about everything.” The next breath is hard to take. The words a little stuck in my throat. “I’m that baby’s dad.”

  Chapter Nine

  Shayna

  Bailey’s stepping up hasn’t made the panic go away. The attacks have actually increased lately. I think it’s because a small bump has appeared. I can see it. The baby is growing inside of me. The realization that this baby will need to come out eventually is hard to escape, when every time I look down I remember that I am not alone.

  Bailey took a second job at a store that sells auto parts. I think he’s smoking less, too. He stops by the apartment or my job and drops off money to help me pay some bills whenever he can. Sometimes I feel guilty about taking it, but without his help I wouldn’t make it. Our conversations are short for the most part. We don’t really have very much to say to each other.

  Corey has started dating someone new, a cute blonde who stops in the store some nights. I watch her giggle, rubbing her hand against his chest. What Corey and I had was so brief he probably doesn’t even realize how jealous I am when I see them together. All is he now is a friend. He assigns me every possible shift he can and I’m so grateful. He even drove me to my last doctor’s appointment. He’s a great guy. He’ll probably be the one I’ll always look back on as the one that got away.

  I can’t tuck my Wiser’s T-shirt into my jeans anymore. I leave it untucked, which is good because I can’t zip my jeans anymore, either.

  I’m exhausted by the time my shift ends. Red Bull is probably no good for the baby, but what about Mountain Dew? That’s probably okay. I grab one from the case and pay for it before leaving the store. Corey took off an hour early to take his new girlfriend somewhere special. The bolt of caffeine from the green soda should be enough to help me make the half mile walk to my apartment.

  A noisy rattling car rolls up beside me. “Why are you walking home? Doesn’t Corey usually drive you home?” Bailey asks out his window.

  “He had a date,” I say, walking while he drives slowly at my pace.

  “Get in. I was coming to see you, anyway. I have an envelope for you.” His car stops and he parks.

  “I can’t,” I say, gazing longingly at his car.

  “Shayna, I really wish you’d trust me more. I want to help you out with more than just money. It’s just a ride home.”

  “No, I mean I literally can’t. I can’t climb over your seat. I think it would be too awkward with my little belly.”

  He grasps the steering wheel, thinking about it. “What about if you drive? I can move over to the passenger seat.”

  “That’s stupid. It’s not that far away to go to all that trouble.”

  “No, these are the things we need to start figuring out. Ya know, for when you’re in labor and shit.”

  “So, when I’m in labor I’m going to have to drive myself to the hospital? Wonderful.” My hand swipes over the side of my face. There goes my Mountain Dew Buzz. “Move over, I need to sit.”

  Bailey hops over the console and I take over the driver’s seat. He’s way taller than me and the seat needs to be adjusted. The way it jerks forward when I pull the lever makes this almost as hard as climbing over would have been.

  “I’m gonna have to get the door fixed,” Bailey says, watching me carefully as I drive his shit-on-wheels two minutes down the road to my apartment. I park by the curb, leaving the car running, and hoist myself up from his car. He scoots back over, takes the keys from the ignition, and steps from the car.

  “What are you doing?”

  “I’m gonna walk you to the door. Help you up the stairs,” he says.

  “I can manage.” I give my belly a pat. “I’m not that big yet.”

  “No, I want to.” He runs ahead to open the door to my building for me. This really isn’t necessary. He stomps up the stairs behind me.

  I grab my key from my bag and stick it in the bolt. “Thank you, goodnight.”

  “Wait.” He pulls an envelope from his pocket. “It’s good, more than last time.” The cash gets handed to me. I hate taking it, but I need it to survive. His tongue slides over his dry upper lip. “Can I come in?”

  I can tell he’s surprised when I say ‘yes.’ It’s just, now that he’s been coming around, helping out with money and everything, I kind of need to know where we stand. He said he wants to be a dad, but to what extent?

  “Whoa, where’s all your furniture?” he asks, walking in and scanning the empty room.

  Tammy left me the bed and dresser. She took everything else. The couch, the TV, even the table and chairs because “they were better than the ones that Tony had at his place.” She told me she was moving out, and the next day she was gone. Only a few brief texts have passed between us since.

  “I just have the stuff in my room. Tammy took the other stuff. The place looks huge now.” I’m realizing that as I look around and see there’s nowhere for a guest to sit. When I’m home, I’m either in bed sleeping, taking a shower, or leaning against the counter eating.

  “Oh, man.” Bailey pinches the bridge of his nose. “How are you . . . ” He stops. “How are we gonna do this? You don’t even have fucking chairs?”

  “I don’t need chairs. If you want to sit, you can go sit on my bed.” I know my situation sucks but what am I supposed to do?

  His eyes continue darting around the empty room. He pulls a fist up to his nose and sniffs. “This kid is gonna grow up with less than I did. I didn’t even think that was possible.” His eyes glass over and I can’t look at him.

  “You think I’ve should’ve made a different decision, don’t you?” I keep my eyes focused on the floor, willing myself not to cry. “I thought about it but I just couldn’t. It’s not the baby’s fault we’re so stupid.” I take a deep breath. “I know I need to get stuff and the other day I saw some baby stuff at a garage sale. I was going to get it, I just couldn’t carry it.”

  “And ya couldn’t call me because I don’t have a phone. You have no fucking chairs and I don’t have a phone. I won’t even know when you need something. I won’t know when the baby is coming. I won’t know if there’s something wrong. You’re here all by yourself. This place doesn’t even seem safe. It’s just gonna be you and the baby here all by yourselves.” He clutches his chest. “What the fuck, I can’t even breathe right now.”

  His panic triggers my own. I reach for deep breaths of air, counting like the doctor told me to. “Okay, you need to calm down. I thought you wanted to come in so we could talk. Not so you could freak me out more than I already am. Trust me, I know how bad things are. I don’t need you coming in here stating the obvious. Do you not realize that I am already scared out of my fucking mind?” I leave the front room and go into the bedroom. I’d slam the door if I had one. Of course this shithole doesn’t have a bedroom door. Hiding under the covers, I curl up in a ball and cry into my pillow.

  His footsteps enter the room. The bed shifts, squeaking from his weight. He uses his strong arms to pull me in and his body curves around mine. He plays with my hair, stroking it away from my face, while I continue weeping. This caring touch, having someone actually here beside me, even if it’s just for a few moments, gives me comfort.

  “I’m not gonna let a
nything bad happen to you,” he whispers in my ear, sliding a hand down over my stomach.

  Bailey

  She drifts off in my arms. I couldn’t sleep if I tried. What do I do? I’m working my ass off already. A third job would be impossible.

  I’m careful as I slide my arm out from under her getting up from the bed. Her apartment is so bare. The bolt on the front door is a joke. It doesn’t give her any extra protection. Fucking Tammy, moving out and leaving her here with nothing. Selfish bitch. I close my eyes and breathe in through my nose. I’m not much better. When she told me I should have manned up right away instead of waiting as long as I did.

  My parents have some old furniture stored in the shed. I can see what’s out there. My room has an old lawn chair that I use to store all my crap on. I can bring that over. What else does she need right now? When I felt her tummy I could feel her jeans were open. She needs new clothes. Bigger ones.

  I think about the room in my house that’s unused. The one the door stays shut on. Marissa was tall like me, built a bit bigger than Shayna. Nothing in that room has been touched since she died. I bet there are some clothes I can take from in there.

  I could try and ask Shayna to move in to my parent’s house. Then how would she get to work? She’d always be needing a ride. How would she deal with my crazy depressed parents and how would they deal with all of us? It would never work out. My parents don’t even want me there. Another idea creeps in, one that makes better sense.

  “You’re still here?” Shayna rubs her eyes, walking into the front room.

  “Yeah, I’m just thinking about ways I can help make this work out a little better for you. I can bring some of my stuff over here. Over the weekend we can go out and look for other garage sales. I can stick the stuff in my car. And maybe I could start staying here.” I slip the last part in, saying it real quick.

  “Staying here?” She’s wide awake now. “Like what? You want to live here? With me?”

  “Yeah, I was thinking it would be a good idea. I’ll be around, keep you safe. Be here when the baby comes. You’re gonna need help with that.” Her blue eyes are frozen, a deer in headlights.

  “Where would you sleep?”

  “My bed is just a twin. I could set it up in the front room.” I use my hands to show where the bed might go. “I’ll help pay for things. I’ll watch over you. Fix things up like that jacked-up bolt on your door,” I say and point at it. “The main thing is I’ll be here.”

  What I’m asking her is crazy. Yet, it also seems like the best solution for now. She bites her lip, contemplating. I’m sure she’s trying to weigh her options and realizing there aren’t many.

  “You’d stay in the front?” she asks cautiously.

  “Yes.” I nod my head.

  “We’d live together, but have our own rooms?” Her knee shakes.

  “Yes.” I know what she’s afraid of. If she agrees, she wonders if there’ll be any strings attached. Of course there wouldn’t be. “It would just be for convenience reasons.”

  “So, sex?” she asks shyly.

  “Would be completely optional.” I can’t stop myself from grinning as she rolls her eyes at me.

  Chapter Ten

  Shayna

  There was really no other choice. When Bailey offered to move in, my hands felt tied, I had to say yes. The money from him is the only thing allowing me to stay in the apartment. I wasn’t actually in a position where I could decline.

  Plus, his logic made sense. I will feel safer having him around and I’m going to need him when this baby comes. We’re going to need to figure out a schedule so one of us will always be with the baby. I’m still going to need to work, which means Bailey will need to stay with the baby. Is Bailey going to be able to handle being alone with a baby? Will he know what to do? Probably not. I don’t even know what to do.

  I’m lost in thought after mind-numbing thought, ringing up endless cups of coffees, hoagies, and whatever else, to customers I hardly acknowledge. While I’m here at work, Bailey is moving in his stuff. How in the hell is this going to work? I’m going to be living with a guy I barely know. Barely know, but I’m having a child with him. Stupid, pathetic, insane. I mentally beat myself up for the millionth time today.

  There’s a high-pitched wail and I raise my head up to see where it’s coming from. A young guy in a white tank and jeans has a baby who looks about one propped up on his shoulder. The guy uses his free hand to pick up a gallon of milk, tucks a small pack of diapers under his arm, and saunters up to my register. The baby cradled against him still whimpers, his little lip quivering desperately in need of something. The father motions for me to grab him a pack of menthols. I scan the items and announce his total. He shoves his hand into his front pocket and pulls out a twenty. It’s not enough. After a brief pause, he pushes the milk to the side and has me void it out. The milk. Not the cigarettes, but the milk.

  My heart sinks once the boy and his father leave the store. Is a scenario like that one my future? Dragging my feet, I walk the milk back to replace in the refrigerated case so it doesn’t spoil. Corey cuts me off, tugging my hand into his and pulls me aside.

  “Are you okay?” he asks.

  “I’m fine. Why?”

  “Because you’re crying?”

  I reach up and realize he’s right. My cheeks are damp. Tears are spilling down my face and I didn’t even know it.

  Bailey

  The announcement that I’m moving out doesn’t seem to faze either of my parents. I tell my mom first and she never evens lifts her head off of the pillow to acknowledge me. “That’s nice,” she says in a monotone voice, staring blankly at the television. I back out of her room, giving her one last look, before returning to my own room to start packing.

  I stuff my clothes into plastic bags and throw some of my belongings into a box. There isn’t much, which is a good thing. My trunk is already filled with junk I found that I figured we might be able to use.

  My father watches from the porch as I struggle to load up my car with my old twin-sized mattress. The only option I really have is to strap it to the roof of the car. I use some rope to tie it in place and after I’m sure it’s secure, I walk up to say my goodbyes to him.

  “The car’s all packed and uh, I guess that’s it. I’m gonna head out,” I say, motioning my head towards the car.

  He nods his head, letting out a small grunt as he exhales. I wait for something else, anything else. I even bend down and tie my shoe to stall a little longer. He gives me nothing.

  “Bye,” I say into the night air, looking across the street at the twinkling tree standing out in the dark. I get in my car, relieved that it starts up and I’m able to drive away quickly. I’m leaving, and he doesn’t even know where it is I’m going or that I’m moving in with someone. And not just someone, but with Shayna, a girl he’s never even met. The girl who is carrying my child, a child he doesn’t even know about. I didn’t tell my parents. It seems pointless for them to know.

  Driving past Tony’s, I just laugh because I know I won’t even be missed. Will anyone even notice that I’m gone? Probably not. At least not until they need someone to run an errand run or to be the butt of their jokes. They’ll have to find someone else from now on.

  Shayna is at work so she left the key for me tucked under the mat in front of the apartment door. All on my own I work to move my stuff in and set it up. With my mattress and the few odd pieces of dust-covered furniture I found in the shed of my parent’s yard, the place seems less empty. My old guitar propped up in the corner and a Superman poster I tape to the wall give it a more personal feel. When Shayna gets home tonight she might actually be happy to see me, along with all the new stuff here, too.

  Home. That’s what I just called this place.

  This apartment is a box, a small square box, and I now reside in a portion of it. My pulse quickens and my lungs constrict. I’m overcome with the strong need for some air. I pull a smoke out from my pack and tuck the cigarett
e between my lips to get a few breaths of the air I crave. The flame shoots from my lighter but I stop before letting it reach the end of the white tip. I can’t smoke in here, or at least I shouldn’t. Racing over to the door, I leave the apartment, taking the stairs two at a time and light up the second I’m outside.

  Breathing in the smoke, I feel myself calming down but I notice my hand is still shaking. Moving in here with her was my idea; why am I freaking out? I want to be here for her. I like Shayna and she needs me. No one has ever needed me before. It feels kinda good, but at the same time, it also feels like an enormous amount of pressure. And this enormous amount of pressure is just from one person needing me. What the hell pressure am I gonna feel when there’s two of them needing me?

  Chapter Eleven

  Shayna

  I’m not sure which roommate it’s harder to get used to. The one growing inside me, who has recently started waking me up with its kicks, or, the one who wakes me up playing his guitar at night and thinks I can’t hear it. I honestly don’t mind. I like lying in bed listening to him. Hearing him play relaxes me.

  For two people living together, we don’t see each other as often as you’d think. He works days. I work nights. He’s usually awake when I get home but I’ve been too tired for anything more than a few words. The tiredness is easing up a little lately, and for that I’m so thankful.

  “Bailey, you need to get up.” I shake him gently while his eyes begin to flutter open, adjusting to the light. It’s a little after seven am. I scheduled the earliest appointment I could get at the clinic so we could both be there. They’re doing an ultrasound today. They said between eighteen and twenty weeks they can tell the sex of the baby. I’m at twenty-one weeks right now so today’s test should let us know if it’s a girl or boy. I’m excited. I know Bailey is, too. There aren’t many things that excite us lately, so this visit’s a big deal.