Panic (The Flaw Series)

by Ringbloom, Ryan

  “Look away, I know you don’t like it when I salute you in the morning.” He gives me a lazy smile, brown eyes blinking up with that cute little heart underneath them. I blush, turning my head. It wasn’t a problem at first but lately when he makes little comments like that, parts of me stir.

  While he goes in for a quick shower, I relax in a plastic woven lawn chair and eat cherry frosted Pop-Tarts.

  “Enjoying breakfast in the parlor, my dear?” Bailey reappears in jeans, a T-shirt, and damp hair. The sweet smell of my cheap honey-scented conditioner surrounds him. I planned on saving the second Pop-Tart for him but I just couldn’t hold out the five minutes his shower took. He holds out his hand to help me up from the chair. Little waves of flurries course through me from his touch and they don’t go away until we reach the car. It’s the hormones doing it to me, giving me these urges. I looked it up on my phone.

  The clothes Bailey mysteriously acquired are already getting a little snug. I try to adjust myself in the driver seat before we take off. The only way to get comfortable is to undo the top button of the pants. “I guess you can give these clothes back to whoever they belong to,” I say, letting my stomach relax. “Who’s are they anyway? Every time I ask, you never answer me.”

  He shrugs, looking out the window as I pull out. “They’re my sister’s. She doesn’t need them back.”

  “I didn’t know you have a sister. How come you never mention her?”

  “I don’t know. We don’t really talk about our families a lot. That’s all.”

  It’s true. I never mention my mom. There’s nothing to mention. We’re not close. I called and left her a voicemail one night when I first found out I was pregnant. I cried in the message and told her I didn’t know what to do. Three days later she texted me, congratulations. The only thing that surprised me about that was that I let myself be surprised. Expecting anything more was just crazy on my part.

  Bailey rarely mentions his parents. I’ve never met them. He told me they were happy when he moved out. It’s weird he never talked about his sister before, especially since I’m wearing her clothes. He probably doesn’t want me meeting them because maybe none of them even know about the baby yet.

  I sign my name on a clipboard and take a seat next to Bailey in the waiting room. Early appointments are the best because you don’t have to wait as long to be called. A dark-haired woman in pink scrubs comes into the waiting area. “Shayna Jacobs,” she calls out.

  We stand up and follow her down the hall. I frown, signaling for Bailey to turn around when she has me step on the scale. I cringe when she clunks the heavy bar over another notch.

  “Any problems or concerns?” The woman asks, logging info into my chart.

  “No.” I do have questions, but none I’m going to ask in front of Bailey.

  We’re left alone in the room. Bailey walks over to a poster of the female reproductive system and stops. “What do you think it is?”

  “In that picture?” I know I should know all the names of the parts. The part his eyes are set on, I’m not so sure.

  He looks over his shoulder and laughs. “No, the baby. Boy or girl?”

  “Oh, um,” My face flushes. “I’m not sure. I keep going back and forth. What about you?”

  “Guess we’ll know soon.” He cracks his knuckles distractedly, pacing the room.

  The doctor comes in. He sits on a stool, rolling in closer to me. We go through the routine questions. “I’ll get to it.” He gives us each a smile. “Everyone is always excited when they get to learn the baby’s sex.”

  The blue jelly is squeezed onto my stomach. He pushes the instrument, searching through the squish for a clear shot of the baby. Bailey and I keep our eyes locked on the screen.

  “The head.” The doctor points with his pinky as he goes. “There’s the heart beating away. Everything is looking good.” He looks over at us, “Are you ready?”

  We both nod, holding our breath.

  “You’re having a little girl.”

  Neither one of us says anything. In fact, I don’t even smile. A quick glance at Bailey and he’s not smiling either. The doctor finishes up, wiping my belly clean and is quick to leave the room.

  I collect myself, grab my belongings and silently we walk down the hall. Little blue dots are floating in front of my eyes. I’m dizzy, the room is spinning, but I ignore it. Bailey waits silently next to me while I schedule my next appointment.

  In the car we still don’t discuss the news we were just given. Both of us are somber, withdrawn. We’ve been waiting a while to find out what it was. We were even excited. Now, though, it just seems like the life has been sucked out of us.

  The baby, it’s been there the whole time. I’ve always known it was coming. Then why now do I feel like the air is being sucked out of me? Why is my heart coming undone at knowing what it is kicking me at night and making me crave pizza? I should be happy, I finally know what it is.

  Biting down on my lower lip, I turn my head and ease my hand up to wipe a tear before it leaks out. That’s just it, the baby is not an “it” anymore.

  It’s a little girl.

  Bailey

  I had to suffer through not one, but two jobs thinking about my baby girl. I don’t know what I thought would happen when we found out. I knew a baby was coming. But I never actually pictured what the baby would look like. I spent more time thinking about things it would need and shit like that. Now all I can think about is a little girl with blue eyes like Shayna or curly brown hair like my sister had. She’s got a face to her. A little heart I actually saw beating on the screen.

  In the apartment Shayna’s light is on in her bedroom. I forgot she didn’t have work tonight. I’m glad. She needs a night off.

  My keys rattle on the counter where I toss them and I open up the fridge. A half-carton of milk, ketchup packets, and a jar of grape jelly. I take the bread from the counter and slap together a jelly sandwich. Chomping into my tasty dinner, I take in the surroundings of shit we’ve accumulated over the last month. My mattress sits crooked on the floor of the front room. Some piece of junk fold-up baby bed we picked up with ripped netting is off to the left. We have two outdoor folding chairs that we use to eat or for any other general sitting needs. Our little princess will not be coming home to a castle, that’s for sure.

  I clear my throat so Shayna hears me coming. Having no bedroom door, it’s my substitute for knocking. She puts down her cell phone, the only luxury she has left, and that’s only because she was locked into a two-year contract.

  “Sorry, were you talking to someone?” I ask.

  “No, I was just looking stuff up.” She lowers the phone. “How was work? You’re home kind of later than usual.”

  “I stopped at Walmart on the way home, bought ya a little present. I gotta go back down. I left it in the car.” I sit down on the edge of her bed.

  “You did?” Her face lights up, making me feel like shit for referring to what I got her as a present.

  “Don’t get too excited. I just went and picked you up a pair of pants. Stretchy ones.”

  “You didn’t need to do that. I can wear these ones for a little bit longer. We shouldn’t be wasting money like that.”

  We’re in so fucking deep at this point, what difference does fifteen dollar stretchy pants make? She leans back and I can see right through her T-shirt that her pants are entirely unzipped. Her eyes follow mine down and she grabs a blanket, covering herself.

  “I can’t look at my little girl,” I say, teasing her.

  “You were looking at how fat I am.” She pulls the blanket up to her chin and laughs. “Go ahead, tell me I’m fat. I dare you.” Her blue eyes go wide teasing me back. She’s not fat at all, skinny with a big plump belly.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I see a shell sitting on top of her dresser. I stretch over to grab it. “This isn’t the shell that you found on the beach that night, is it?”

  “Yeah, it is.” She gets a funny look and swallows.
“That shell means a lot to me.”

  “It’s actually nicer than I thought. Usually all you see around here are broken shells, but this one is beautiful.” I put it back on the dresser. It looks out of place, like it should be somewhere else. Somewhere a lot nicer than here.

  “Are you happy it’s a girl?” Shayna asks, sitting up in the bed, leaning back against the wall.

  I tip my head in a quick nod and fake a smile. It’s not that I’m unhappy. I just don’t want to talk about it. “Too bad we can’t watch a movie. Maybe if we stay real quiet we can hear the people next door’s TV.” The older couple in the apartment next door tends to watch their television very loud. I’ve never seen an episode of Seinfeld, but I think I’ve heard them all.

  “I was trying to stream a movie on my phone. But my phone sucks.” She gives it another look before tossing it aside.

  “What movie?”

  “One of my favorites. Some sappy love movie. You would probably hate it.”

  “Tell me what’s it’s about.” If she can’t watch her favorite movie, maybe it’ll at least be fun for her to talk about it.

  “It’s not even the movie that I love as much as one part in particular. The guy shows up at the girl’s house and she answers the door and he holds up cards saying the things he wants to say to her.” Her eyes mist up. “It’s really sweet, but it’s sad, too.” She wipes her eyes.

  “If it’s sad, then how is that your favorite part of the movie?”

  She shrugs. “It’s romantic, funny, and sad all at the same time. I don’t know. You’d have to see it.”

  “Holding up cards? Why can’t he just say what he needs to say? It sounds like the guy’s a total pussy.”

  Completely annoyed by my response, her face scrunches up. “Okay, time for you to go.” She releases her grip on the covers and points to the door. The blankets around her bunch up, the round belly resting on top of them.

  “Goodnight.” I reach over, giving a simple rub before getting up from the bed. My hand caresses the bump in a soft circular motion, giving the baby a little wave. Shayna’s eyes close and she lets out a barely audible moan. Wait a second…what’s this? Instead of taking my hand away, I keep rubbing. My hand sinks lower to the underside of her stomach. She doesn’t stop me. Another moan comes out, a louder one.

  “Shayna, are you liking this? Do you want me to keep rubbing?” We haven’t even so much as kissed since our night on the beach. Since living together, there’s never been one sign that she was looking for anything more than a roommate. But right now I am getting a vibe. The vibe is — this girl is horny.

  “No.” Her eyes blink open coming back to earth. “My belly is just sore and that felt good. You don’t have to rub it.”

  “If you’re sore, I’ll keep rubbing,” I say, my hand still circling over her. I drop my voice to a deeper tone. “If you got an ache anywhere else, tell me, I can rub that too.”

  “Stop it.” Her pale skin flames, though she isn’t blushing. The blood rushing to her face is desire. “We can’t. If we start doing stuff it’ll just mess everything up.”

  “Like what? Are you afraid of getting pregnant? That we’ll wind up living together, sad we can’t watch a movie on the three inch screen of your phone?” I lift up the bottom of her shirt. Her jeans are all the way unzipped. “Are you wearing panties?” I have to ask ‘cause I see none.

  She covers her face with both hands. “Yes, but they are just really, really low. I have to kind of like tuck them underneath and, ugh, I don’t want you to see me like this.” She yanks her shirt back down.

  “Why?”

  “I feel so gross.”

  “If you let me, I promise to make you feel un-gross.” My fingers skim under the bottom of her shirt. I bring my lips to her neck to place a small kiss, then my tongue traces up her soft skin. Her head rolls back and she moans, making me instantly hard. I bring my hands back up to gently cup her heavy breasts.

  She pushes me away, panting. Jesus, give me strength if she’s gonna reject me. This is all I got going for me.

  “Okay, but if we’re going to do this, can you please turn out the lights?”

  Is that all? Done and done. I flick the light off, unzipping my jeans as I walk back over to the bed. She’s already removed her shirt so her shoulders are bare. I pull down on the straps of her bra. Once the clasp is undone it springs right off like a rubber band. “I think your tits are a little bigger than I remember.”

  Her giggles in the dark set me on fire. My fingers trace soft circles over her nipples. The eager way she immediately responds has me wondering why we waited so long to do this again. Her jeans are so tight it’s impossible to get into them without physically removing myself away from her. I stand up at the side of the bed and grab hold of her ankles, pulling her to the edge. A few tugs later and her jeans and the hidden panties are thrown onto the floor. I stay standing. This position might work. Bringing her in closer to me, I put my hands under her thighs. “Can you lift your hips a little?”

  She’s a genius because her pillow gets folded in half and positioned right under her ass. I line myself up. Her eagerness allows me to glide into her easily. I moan, thrusting forward. So deep. Fuck. I yank my dick out. “Am I gonna hurt the baby?”

  “Hmm?” Her legs wrap around my thighs, trying to keep me from moving away. “You can’t hurt the baby.”

  “What if I bonk it in the head?” I start to panic. “The baby shouldn’t know we’re doing this. I don’t want her to see my junk.”

  “Oh, wow, Bailey, um, you flatter yourself,” she says. The mattress shakes from her laughs. “There’s no way you’re going to bonk the baby. She’s very protected. And she’s just a baby. She’s not going to see you or be able to know what’s going on.” Her leg presses into my backside, bringing me back forward. “Come on, we already started. We can’t stop now.”

  Damn, she’s got some strength in those scrawny legs. She doesn’t just want this, she needs it. I’m happy to oblige. I stroke myself a few times and then gently slide back in.

  “Mmm, Bailey.” I love the way she says my name, calling it out over and over. So sexy, so hot. For the first time I feel the girl I’m having sex with is as into it as I am. I’m so close, right on the verge. She stops saying my name and a screech fills the room. Her body tightens around me. She’s having an orgasm. I’m sure of it. I can feel it. I soar, an explosion of my own rockets through me while I stay inside her.

  I pull out, collapsing on the bed next to her. “That was fucking incredible,” I say, gasping for air.

  “It was,” she agrees, pulling the pillow out from under her butt. She flips it over to lay her head on.

  “Like, damn, that was just . . . wow.”

  “I know.” She exhales. “Good stuff.”

  “And you feel okay and everything?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine,” she says, her breath returning to normal. “But the baby is really grossed out. And I think I can hear her complaining about a headache.”

  I drop my head and groan. “I was trying to be a good guy and this is the thanks I get. You think I’m an idiot, don’t you?”

  “No, I don’t.” Her hand finds mine, our fingers lace together. “I think you’re amazing.”

  “Amazing?” I have to question her. Is she for real or is this more making fun of me?

  “Yeah. You’re working really hard, working two jobs, making money for us.” Her hand squeezes mine. “I don’t know that I’ve ever really said thank you.”

  “Um, I think you just did.”

  She laughs. “I’m serious. You’re doing so much for us.”

  “But it’s still not enough. We’re barely getting by, living paycheck to paycheck,” I say.

  My parents always talked about living paycheck to paycheck. Sometimes Dad flat out blamed us for it. Yelling and pointing fingers. Mom would cry during those conversations. I wince at the horrible memory. That’s when Marissa and I would escape across the street to the tree. Late
r on, Dad would always apologize. Make it up to us in some stupid way. One time he let me have a drag on one of his cigarettes. The next time he gave me one of my own. It didn’t take long before I became a poor kid with an expensive habit. I have no idea what he was thinking.

  Shayna cuddles into my side. “Let’s not talk about that right now. Let’s focus on the positive.” Her curious hand wanders back down. “We found a great new pastime and it doesn’t cost us a cent. Let’s focus on that.”

  Chapter Twelve

  Shayna

  The months of July and August are hot and steamy in more ways than one. Our new-found enthusiasm for one another has made life a little more tolerable. We spend lustful nights with a noisy portable fan rotating to cool us off from our sweaty encounters.

  We’re managing much better lately. The money coming in between us goes a little farther. We’ve been able to spring for a few luxury items like peanut butter, fresh fruit, and macaroni and cheese. We’ve even splurged on a cheap table where we can eat together.

  Part of what’s helped is that Bailey stopped smoking. When he added it up and realized what he was spending and that we were eating Pop-Tarts every day for breakfast and sometimes dinner, he went cold turkey. He claims he doesn’t miss it one bit. However, sometimes he paces for no reason or just scratches his arm for like ten minutes straight. I think he does miss it. I know he does.

  Me and him, we’re in a good place. Yes, we fool around. And yes, that is wonderful. But he’s becoming my friend. I’ve started looking forward to seeing him when I get home. We talk about our days, work, all sorts of stuff. Like yesterday, we discussed the argument our neighbors had. I was there in the afternoon when it started. She wants to go out more and he’s content with staying in and watching TV. She threatened to walk right out the door and leave him. He bellowed for her to go right ahead, you know where the door is. I gasped when I heard him say that to poor Mrs. Wasserstein.