Blue Love

by Mj Fields

The next song was “Hate Me” by Blue December.

  She smiled, “I like that song, I don’t think I have ever heard it before,” she said.

  “One of my favorites right now,” he smiled as he jumped down from the ladder, “Loft’s finished TT,” he said snapping her in the butt with the towel, “You are slacking,” she laughed.

  Far Behind by Candlebox played, she listens and scrubbed the walls by the fireplace that were caked with black with soot. She heard him singing and smiled.

  The music stopped and he smiled, “Did you like them?” he asked.

  She smiled gently and shook her head yes.

  “I am hungry, are you?” she shook her head no. “You haven’t eaten shit in two weeks Tessa.”

  “I haven’t been playing sports, I don’t need as much,” she said defending herself.

  “Okay as your friend I am telling you, you’ve lost weight and before you know it, those things are going to disappear,” he pointed to her boobs and she slapped his hand and they both laughed. “Come eat lunch with me,” he asked “Please,” he said and gave her puppy dog eyes and stuck his lower lip out slightly.

  “Fine,” she said and stomped. He grinned and held the door open for her.

  She jumped in the SUV and he got in and buckled. He stared at her “What?” she asked.

  “Buckle up baby,” he said, she rolled her eyes, “Sorry, buckle up TT.”

  ~

  They drove down to town and stopped at the pizza place. He ordered for both of them and she sat at the table. He brought her milk and opened it and put a straw in it. “Does the body good,” he said and winked.

  He brought back a large chicken salad sub and two slices of cheese pizza. He put a plate in front of her and half the sub. She took a deep breath, she really had not eaten much in the past couple weeks and she knew she couldn’t eat all that, “Tessa just eat what you can,” he whispered. She took a bite and it tasted good. She smiled and chewed obnoxiously looking at him.

  He laughed, “Is it okay?”

  “Yes Luke it’s good, thank you,” she ate half of it and sat back and finished her milk. She watched him eat, and he crossed his eyes, she smirked and got up and went to the counter.

  “Hey can I get some paper to wrap the food up and a bag please,” she asked.

  “Anything else you want Tessa, my number maybe?” Matt asked and winked. She shook her head no, “one of these days you’re going to accept and make me the happiest boy in the world,” he said and smiled at her.

  “Don’t plan on it,” she said and laughed and smiled at him.

  She walked back to the table and Luke was glaring at the kid behind the counter. “Who is that?” he asked.

  “The boy I am going to give myself to first,” she whispered. He turned towards her and scowled, she was ginning.

  “Not funny Tessa,” he said seriously.

  “Hey Luke you’re my friend right so maybe we should be able to talk about stuff like this, what do you think?” she asked.

  “I think no,” he said. She laughed and got up to walk out.

  She was still laughing when he got in the car. “What?” he asked.

  He buckled the seat belt and waited for her to. She looked at him “What to you?”

  He reached over and grabbed her seat belt and buckled it. She laughed, “Oops, you’re a little obsessed with my seat belt,” Tessa said.

  “You’re the one who wakes me up screaming every night after that dream you have,” Luke said looking away.

  “I haven’t had that dream in a couple weeks,” she said and giggled.

  “You have had it every night,” he said and he looked serious.

  “Oh, I didn’t know,” she said quietly.

  “The first night I left it alone and the next day Kendall asked me why I didn’t help you anymore, she looked at me like she was pissed, ya know a lot like you do most of the time,” he smiled. She smiled and then looked confused, “So I have come in every night at about 2:30 in the morning, you really don’t remember this?” he laughed but he knew she didn’t.

  “No,” she said quietly.

  “Well we have had some fantastic conversations,” he said and grinned.

  “Like what?” she asked loudly.

  “I will never tell,” he said and raised his eyebrow.

  “That’s not fair,” she said looking away from him.

  “No, what’s not fair is the things you say and ask me to do to you while you’re sleeping,” he said and laughed.

  “Like what,” she asked with anger in her voice.

  “You getting mad TT,” he asked, she narrowed her eyes at him, “Let’s just say you’re in safe hands, even when I have to pull them away from your body as you ask me to, well, you are an absolute dream in your sleep,” he laughed.

  “Has anything happened?” she asked softly.

  “No baby, I would prefer you coherent, but my hands have been very close to your heart for many nights and you won’t let them go,” he said softly, “you also say some pretty sweet things in your sleep,” he laughed.

  “Hey Luke?” she swallowed hard.

  “Yes Tessa,” he responded.

  “I am very embarrassed, but thank you. Do I talk about what’s bugging me?” she asked.

  “Just four people in an accident, that’s all you’ve said besides you love me and you make me promise to be safe,” he said softly.

  “Every night?” she asked.

  “Every. Single. Night,” he said.

  “How long does it last?” she asked.

  “Until I hold you, kiss you, and you fall asleep,” he said in a deep soft voice.

  “So when do you leave my room?” she asked.

  “When I wake up an hour or so later, you are exhausting,” he said softly.

  “I’m sorry,” she said and he smiled.

  “Can you do me a favor?” she asked.

  “Anything,” he said looking over at her.

  “Can you wake me up next time?” she asked.

  “If I have to,” he smiled.

  “Thank you,” she said.

  She remembered some of the dreams about the accidents and the erotic ones about him. She blushed and was quiet.

  “Tessa, that’s all okay” he said reassuringly.

  “You sure?” she asked.

  Luke shook his head yes and smiled.

  “So you’re not playing basketball?” he asked changing the subject.

  “Nope, the musical,” she said and she saw him grin.

  “Oh so that’s where you go every night?” he laughed, as if he didn’t know that already, “Avita.”

  “That’s me,” she smiled.

  “I can’t wait to see you on stage” he smiled, “Who is the lead guy” he asked.

  “The pizza boy,” she said laughing.

  “No shit?” he groaned shaking his head.

  “None,” she laughed.

  “So maybe now is a good time for me to give you some advice about boys since I am your friend and all,” he said smiling at her.

  “Okay let’s start with the pizza boy,” she suggested.

  “No that wouldn’t work, he would bore you to death. He is the exact opposite of me, I mean of what you need,” he smiled.

  “So what do I need, and do you really want me to meet someone like you?” she asked.

  “That’s two questions and we are not talking about your ex, he pisses me off,” Luke said and chuckled.

  “Okay then what do I need?” she asked.

  “Well let me see let’s start with the obvious. Someone who like’s sports, you are competitive and would be very bored with a science geek or a boy who sings and dances on stage as a way to meet girls. You need someone who is fit, because you apparently like boys that are in shape,” he began.

  “Oh ya, what makes you think that?” she asked smiling.

  “There’s only three guys I have seen you look twice at, that LL guy, he’s smoking hot. GI Joe, although he is way too old for you. An
d that Ben character,” he said. “However if you can kick his ass at archery you would easily tire of him.” Tessa giggled and he continued. “Someone who likes music and can move,” he grinned. “They have to be intelligent. Someone who is funny, your laugh Tessa should never be stopped, it’s infectious. It has to be someone who shares your values and loves family. Someone to let you explore who you are and when you’re ready and sober, explore them. They have to love to talk or at least love you enough to listen. They need to enjoy every part of you. From your perfect face, flawless skin, tight body, eyes they could sink into forever and perfectly wavy hair that just begs their hands to touch it, to your wit and voice and your little tantrums. If they don’t crave you every second of everyday they don’t deserve you. If when they succeed they don’t search for you to share that with them, they don’t deserve you. If they don’t need you by their side during every part of life they don’t deserve you. If when they fuck up they don’t love you enough to let you go, they don’t deserve you,” he looked at her like she was the only thing on the planet that mattered. His eyes burned through her and she finally breathed.

  Every part of her wanted him, how the hell was that possible, she thought, she was breathing harder and faster, she wanted to kiss him so bad and never stop, she clenched her jaw and finally looked away. He started the car and went to back up. Sadi had pulled up behind him; she got out of the car and was hitting his window.

  “What’s going on?” Sadi asked Luke.

  “Holy buzz kill,” Tessa let out.

  He smirked at Tessa, “Just had lunch with my friend Tessa, you two have met right?” he asked coldly.

  “So does she know?” she asked.

  “Yep Sadi everything, absolutely everything,” Luke said in an irritated tone.

  “He is having a baby with me farm girl,” she yelled.

  Tessa leaned forward and smiled, “I am well aware of it Sadi.”

  “What the fuck do you think you’re doing with him?” she yelled.

  “He just told you we had lunch, we are friends, do you understand that and we will be, shit Sadi I was hoping you and I could get to be buddies, with all that crying you did on my shoulder and the shocking confessional and all. I really was hoping we could all hang out sometime oh and an invite to the baby shower,” she said and sat back trying her best to hold it together.

  “Fuck you white trash I wouldn’t invite you to a rock fight,” Sadi yelled.

  “Hey Sadi do you have any parenting books? You should know that all that stress is not good for your baby,” Tessa was getting angry now, “So if you give a fuck about that little life growing in your belly you may try to get into a yoga class or something to teach you how to relax. Luke and I are friends, I plan to stay that way, you need to accept it. I’m not like you, you have nothing to worry about. He will be a good Dad if you don’t drive him over the edge, so just leave him and I the fuck alone,” Tessa said.

  “Tessa,” Luke whispered, “Don’t waste your breath.”

  “Lay with pigs Luke and you’ll start smelling like them,” Sadi said.

  “I think that’s bullshit, he doesn’t smell like a crazy ass whore,” Tessa screamed and unbuckled and started to open the door.

  Luke reached across Tessa and held her in the car, “Sadi move your car now,” he said calmly and she did.

  Luke looked at Tessa and she was so angry, he hated the constant pain he caused her. He certainly didn’t deserve her, how could he.

  “You okay Tessa,” he asked quietly as he backed out.

  “Fuck no,” she yelled, “Who the fuck is she, the farm girl remarks are getting old, and now white trash?” Tessa yelled.

  “Okay I’m sorry she makes you feel bad, and I am sorry I brought you into this mess,” he said and held her hand. “This is okay right, I am trying to comfort you now,” he said smiling slightly at her.

  “Yes as a matter a fact why don’t you go pull in her front lawn so I can fuck you on the hood of your vehicle until your eyes pop out and that stupid bitch can watch,” she yelled and looked down shocked.

  “Will that make you feel better?” he asked trying not to laugh.

  Tessa looked at him and let out a breath and they both giggled. “I mean Tessa anything I can do to help I will, but could you stop right before my eyes pop out,” he asked and kissed her hand, “Please, cause I really would love to watch your face when you…” she interrupted him.

  “Where are we going?” Tessa asked her face flush.

  “I am only doing what I am asked,” he smiled, “Now try to calm yourself, here pick some music,” he said handing her his iPod.

  She leaned back and cranked up Steve Miller, “Nice Lucas,” she said admiring his music. She closed her eyes and sang along.

  She opened her eyes as they pulled into his house. “I will be right back I need to grab a few things alright?” he asked.

  “Do you need help?” she asked.

  “No thank you Tessa, we are friends and all but I don’t think I need you in my bedroom unsupervised, I don’t think I could trust myself,” Luke said seriously.

  He came out with a brief case.

  “What’s this?” she asked.

  “Banking stuff and bills,” he headed in the opposite direction than they needed to go.

  “Where are we going now?” she asked.

  “Do you have plans?” Luke asked. Tessa shook her head no. “Good can we go grocery shopping together?” he asked.

  “Sure, I guess,” Tessa answered.

  “Okay I want you to check out the third house on the left, up here,” Luke said pointing.

  She looked and saw a tiny white ranch with a small garage attached to it. It sat on about a quarter acre. “Ok why?” she asked.

  “That’s Sadi’s house,” Luke said “She lives there with her mother and younger brother. Her mom works two crap jobs to be able to pay the mortgage and provide for her very spoiled, expectant child. Sadi is mean as shit to her. Should I turn around and park on the front lawn?” he asked grinning.

  “She lives very close to you,” Tessa said feeling a bit jealous.

  “Yes she does, I used to pick her up for school every morning and she blew me all the way there,” he said quietly.

  “Wow TMI,” Tessa said.

  “No Tessa that was honesty, the basis of what I loved about our relationship. She is not nice, funny, kind, or caring. I was always with her for the sex part, when she got pregnant, after missing her pills, the ones I took her to get every month, I knew I wanted more than that for my child and she was pissed because she would have responsibilities. She hit me a few times and I got sick of her shit. I tried to love her… well the best I knew how, and she just whined and took pity on herself, it got old. We broke up, I called the girls, she drove by and saw Jamie’s car and walked in on our um… party,” Luke said, “the rest you already know. My point here was not to tell you all that but to show you, you have absolutely no reason to get upset when she makes the farm girl cracks. Alright?” he asked.

  “You are beautiful,” she said and immediately wanted to take it back.

  “And you Tessa Ross made me that way in less than three months, the day I saw you getting out of the pond, the very first time, I knew I wanted you. The way you seemed annoyed with me was not a reaction I ever got from any girl, which made me want you more. And then when I saw you at the farm when I offered to do hay, just so I could see you. I truly saw who you were and I believe that day was the day I knew I loved you,” Luke said and smiled at her. “So now with all this I know what I have to do for my child. I have to try to figure it all out and make life okay for that little life so that he or she can someday hopefully be half as perfect as you. And that means I lose what I want more than anything in this world.”

  Tessa was numb again, then she felt the lump and she asked him to pull over and he did. “You okay?” he asked.

  “No!” she yelled, “I am not okay. I am crushed and I am even more in love with you now than e
ver I just want to scream and cry and I don’t know… I need this pain to go away Luke. I love you and it hurts so bad to love you,” he had tears in his eyes as he watched her.

  “Then I can make it easier for you, I can make you hate me,” he said, “I am good at that.”

  She climbed over the console and sat on his lap and hugged him. He hugged her back. They sat like that for almost an hour. She finally stopped crying and sat up and kissed his lips gently. “I could never hate you,” Tessa whispered as she climbed off his lap.

  “Tessa what can I do?” he asked.

  “Be the best you can be,” she said, “be my friend, always.”

  “Done,” he said and grabbed her hand.

  ~

  They went grocery shopping and went home to put stuff away. Jade texted her, she needed to talk and asked if she could meet her at camp. Luke drove her up there and went inside as the girls sat on the dock and talked.

  “Tessa, we did it,” Jade said.

  “You did what?” Tessa asked shaking her head.

  “Tommy and I made love,” Jade said smiling.

  “When?” Tessa asked in shock.

  “Last night and it was amazing, very painful at first but amazing,” Jade said smiling.

  “Are you okay?” Tessa asked.

  “Yes, perfectly fine but now I want him more,” Jade said and laughed.

  “Are you on the pill?” she asked.

  “No of course not, I would have told you that,” Jade said.

  “It wasn’t planned,” Jade said, “he used a condom.”

  “So how was it not planned and he was well prepared?” Tessa asked.

  “He wasn’t I was,” Jade said and laughed.

  “Jade!” Tessa scolded.

  “I have been asking him for weeks finally he said yes,” she said, “He is very big Tessa,” she said with her eyes wide.

  Jade and Tommy already talked about getting married. Tessa knew Jade and Tommy were perfect for each other, she just wished she would have waited, which seemed pretty ironic coming from her.

  Tessa told her what had went on today with Luke as they walked down to camp. “I hate that girl,” Jade said. Luke was at the back of the camp and they sat talking on the porch. He could hear everything they said.

  “That girl is going to have Lucas’s baby, I want her to be okay,” Tessa said quietly. “So I am going to ask you to be nice to her. If she sees kindness maybe she can be a decent mom to her child, to Luke’s child. It’s part of Luke and I love him Jade, I know he can be an amazing daddy.”