There's Been a Murder!

by Harry Morris

  The disappointment on Donnie's face was there for all to see. To tell you the truth, I think he was hoping to hear a more saucy version of events!

  As did I when he told me about it later!

  Mind the Gap (Bag)

  • • •

  While appearing at the Blue Rooms in Liverpool in my one-man show, I wandered out one afternoon and ended up in a lovely little bistro café, where I decided to have my lunch.

  I had a small ‘Gap'-style shoulder satchel that the missus had bought for me to keep all my personal belongings in. Y'know: wallet, mobile phone, credit cards, and so on. Very ‘hip’, by the way!

  As my lunch was delivered, I was intrigued by the number of signs around the walls emphasising the warning: ‘Watch your bags at all times!’

  So I did … and some bugger stole my dinner!

  Bully For You!

  • • •

  A farmer in Ayrshire got an unexpected visit from two truck loads of Scottish Power employees who informed him that they were going into one of his fields with their trucks to carry out an inspection of poles carrying their electric power lines.

  The weather had been rather inclement at this time of year so Sandy the farmer suggested that if they must carry this out, they inspect their power lines without driving their large, heavy trucks into his field and causing unnecessary damage to his crops. Whereupon one of the Scottish Power representatives immediately produced a clipboard full of official headed paper to show the authority on which they were entitled to enter his field unrestricted.

  They promptly walked off, leaving a bewildered Sandy looking on as they continued along the short country road to the field in question, and throwing open the entrance gate they proceeded to drive their heavy vehicles onto his land, cutting it up as they went.

  Sandy, not wanting to be so easily outdone, went over to a large shed where he untied his extremely large and intimidating farm bull and led it by the nose ring over to the occupied field, where he promptly released it.

  The bull made an aggressive beeline towards the workmen, who were now openly standing beside their trucks, until they saw the fast-approaching out-of-control animal.

  As they clambered aboard their trucks, the bull charged around wildly, throwing up divots of earth and crops into the air with its horns, while they looked on fearfully from the safety of their trucks.

  While this was taking place, Sandy the farmer stood impassively at the entrance gate and took great delight in shouting over to the workmen, ‘Here pal! Why don't you show him yer clipboard full of all your official headed papers and see if he gives a toss!’

  As Jim Bowen once said, ‘You can't beat a bit of Bully!’

  London Train Announcers

  • • •

  This announcement was a classic!

  ‘Please move all baggage away from the doors.’ (Pause.) ‘Please move all belongings away from the doors.’ (Pause.) ‘This is a personal message to Tiger Woods in the blue tracksuit wearing glasses at the rear of the train. Put the Big Mac down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the train door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!’

  Español Por Favor

  • • •

  While on a recent vacation to Miami, USA, I was sitting enjoying a few drinks with my good friends Dan and Teri Wagnon.

  Dan was relating a story about how his wife Teri had been polishing up on her Spanish language while staying at their holiday home in Santa Ponsa, Mallorca.

  This particular evening they were out for a meal and the waiter approached their table, greeting them in his broken English.

  Teri immediately stopped him and asked him to speak only in Spanish to them, and for her part, she would be ordering her entire evening meal in Spanish.

  The waiter nodded in agreement and welcomed her order from the menu to be spoken in his native tongue.

  Teri began to order her meal, fluently and effortlessly choosing each course and pronouncing them like a local.

  ‘Un bottella de casa vino blanco, y gambas y alioli, tortilla Español, pollo con patata fritas, y helado con chocolate. Por favor!’

  Basically, a bottle of house white wine, prawns in garlic, egg and potato omelette, chicken and chips and chocolate ice cream.

  After she was finished, the waiter turned his attention to Dan. ‘And for you, señor, will you also be ordering your meal in Español?’

  Dan looked at the waiter standing there and replied with a confident, ‘Si, por favor!’

  After a few moments of perusing the menu, Dan looked up at the waiter who was waiting patiently to hear him fluently ordering in Spanish.

  With that, Dan closed the menu, handed it to the waiter, looked him straight in the face and said, ‘Dos!’

  One More!

  • • •

  With my old back injury acting up one night, I shuffled my way slowly into my local ice-cream parlour and pulled myself slowly, agonisingly, up onto a bar stool. After catching my breath, I ordered a chocolate ice-cream surprise.

  The waitress looked sympathetically towards me and asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’

  To which I replied, ‘No, hen, arthritis’!

  Happy Retirement

  • • •

  Tom had been a serving police officer for twenty-five years. Tormented by the everyday stress, he decided to retire from his job and purchase twenty acres of land on the Shetland Isles, as far away from humanity as possible.

  A place where he would be lucky to see a postman once a week and store up with groceries once a month. Apart from that, it would be total peace and quiet for the rest of the time.

  After eight months of complete and total isolation, he was aroused one morning with a knock at the front door.

  He immediately jumped out of bed and answered it, to find a huge, bearded man resembling Grizzly Adams (minus the bear) standing there.

  The man stuck out his hand and announced, ‘The name's Jack Wilson; I'm your neighbour. I live twelve miles up the road. Just wanted to invite you to a Hogmanay party I'm having at my house on Friday night and thought you might just like to come along and join in. Starts about five o'clock!’

  ‘A party?’ Tom responded. ‘Definitely! After eight months of living on my own out here with no one to talk to, I'm desperate to meet up with some local folk, that's for sure!’

  As Jack was about to leave, he stopped and said, ‘Got to warn you. There'll be a lot of drinking.’

  ‘Not a problem, Jack!’ Tom replied. ‘After serving twenty-five years with the City of Glasgow police, I'm pretty sure I can drink with the best!’

  ‘Probably a lot of cursing and swearing!’ added Jack.

  ‘There isn't a swear word or curse that I haven't heard, or used myself,’ replied Tom.

  Jack was about to leave again, but stopped and added, ‘More than likely there's going to be some fighting too!’

  ‘Well, I'm quite a placid guy and get on with most people, so I don't envisage any problem there,’ said Tom.

  ‘Probably some wild, rough sexual activity going on too!’ Jack added.

  ‘Not a problem for me!’ remarked Tom, getting excited at the prospect of meeting up with some ‘real’ people after all this time.

  ‘As I already said, I've been on my own now for eight months! I'll definitely be there.’

  As Jack turned to walk away, Tom called out, ‘By the way, Jack, what should I wear to the party?’

  To which Jack replied, ‘Doesn't really matter, there's only going to be the two of us!’

  Y'know, it's at times like this when you really wish you had held on to your old polis baton and handcuffs, just in case things get out of hand!

  Gimme Shelter

  • • •

  While the missus was in at the dentist, I decided to visit the local charity shops nearby and peruse the books on offer.

  I entered the bright-red interior of a Shelter shop, which was presently occupied by several female shoppers
looking for the odd bargain.

  One customer walked over to the sales assistant and placed on the counter two small vases and a larger vase.

  The large vase was priced at £2 but there was no price on the smaller ones accompanying it, so the assistant called over to another woman, who was decorating the window display. ‘Sabrina, much is these wee yins?’ She held up the vases.

  Sabrina looked over at the items being held up and replied, ‘Ah'm no’ sure, Agnes, ye better ask Martha, she'll know!’

  At that, the counter assistant turned her attentions to Martha, on the opposite side of the store, and called out across the floor, ‘Martha! Martha! Much is these wee vases?’

  Martha looked over at the items referred to and asked, ‘Much is the big yin priced at, Agnes?’

  ‘The big yin is priced at £2 but there's nae price on them, and they're much wee'er than the big yin!’ Agnes replied. ‘So, how much will ah charge this wummin for them?’

  ‘Well ah'm no’ very sure, Agnes. Maybe ye better ask Jenny, she'll know best!’

  Agnes then turned her attention to Jenny in the back shop.

  ‘Jenny! Jenny!’ she called out loudly.

  Jenny popped her head out from the back shop. ‘Somebody shouting my name?’

  ‘Aye, Jenny, Agnes is shouting for ye,’ answered Martha.

  ‘You want me, Agnes?’ she called out.

  ‘Aye, Jenny, ah dae. Much is these vases?’ she asked.

  ‘Is there no’ a price on them, hen?’ asked Jenny.

  Agnes quickly scrutinised both vases before replying, ‘Naw! There's nothing!’

  ‘Whit aboot the big yin? Is it no’ priced?’ she asked.

  ‘Aye! It's £2 but the wee yins are much wee'er and don't have a price on any o’ them,’ responded Agnes.

  By this time the woman customer was getting slightly frustrated with all that was going on, and I was getting more and more amused by all the chat between each of them.

  ‘Ah'm no’ very sure how much. Ye better ask Sabrina, she'll know whit tae charge!’

  ‘Awright, hen!’

  Then turning back round to the window dresser, she called out, ‘Sabrina!’

  Sabrina popped her head around the window, ‘What is it, Agnes?’

  ‘Much is these wee yins?’ Holding up the vases.

  ‘Ye've already asked me aboot them, Agnes, and ah telt ye ah don't know. Did ye ask Martha like a said?’

  ‘Aye!’ she replied. ‘She didnae have a clue how much tae charge.’

  ‘Whit aboot Jenny then?’

  ‘Jenny didnae know either! She said ask you,’ replied Agnes.

  ‘Well, who was it that priced the big yin?’ asked Sabrina.

  Agnes picked it up and scrutinised it for a few moments, before responding, ‘Ah think it wis me!’

  ‘Ye think it wis you? Well how much did ye price the set at?’ asked Sabrina.

  ‘£2!’ she replied. ‘For the big yin and the two wee yins as part o’ the set!’

  ‘Well just charge the wummin £2 for the set then!’

  ‘Awright, Sabrina. Ah knew you'd know how much tae charge. Thanks, hen.’

  ‘Nae bother, Agnes, any time!’

  At that, she turned around to relay the price to the customer, who by now was so fed up, she was halfway along the road home to Drumchapel on the bus!

  Charity shops – totally stress free! Don't you just love them?!

  Plane Crash

  • • •

  Ireland has suffered its worst air disaster, which occurred earlier this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a local cemetery.

  The Irish police, aided by rescue workers, searched the area and have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to rise even higher as digging continues throughout the night.

  Tom, Dick and Harry

  • • •

  Tom died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

  The investigating detective needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Dick and Harry.

  The three of them had always done everything together and were locally referred to around Easterhouse as the Three Amigos.

  Dick arrived first at the Glasgow City mortuary, and when the attendant pulled back the sheet, Dick looked at the body and said, ‘Woah! His face is burned up pretty bad. Can you roll him over and let me see the back of him?’

  The attendant obliged and rolled him over, whereby Dick looked on and said, ‘Nope, that isn't Tom!’

  The detective officer thought this was rather strange, so he brought Harry into the room to confirm the identity of the body.

  Harry looked at the body lying there on the trolley, nodded his head and said, ‘Wow! He's pretty much wasted. Can you roll him over and let me see him from the back?’

  The detective nodded and the mortuary attendant rolled him over as requested.

  After viewing the body for a few moments, he said, ‘No way, man! This isn't Tom!’

  The detective was dumfounded by this and asked, ‘How can you possibly tell it isn't him from a view of his back?’

  Harry replied, ‘Well, sir, it was common knowledge that Tom had two assholes.’

  ‘What?’ responded the surprised detective officer. ‘He had two assholes?’

  ‘That's what I said. I never seen them for myself, but everybody from Easterhouse who knew him would remark when we were out for a walk with him, “There goes Tom with the two assholes!”’

  Number-Two Idiot

  • • •

  Two armed robbers in Manchester entered a record shop and nervously waved their guns in the air.

  The first one shouted, ‘Nobody make a move or else!’ At that, everybody in the record shop froze on the spot. When his partner suddenly went forward to empty the till, the startled first robber turned around and shot him.

  He doesn't really deserve to have a sign.

  Or What?

  • • •

  • Imagine the shock my former police colleague received at getting a letter from his doctor intimating that he only had three months to live. Luckily, the letter was not meant for him; it was actually for his son who has the same name and who still lives in the family home.

  Lucky white heather or what?

  • What's all this mince about some sixty-six-year-old Italian woman being the world's oldest mother? What rubbish! My wee mammy is eighty-four years old and still going strong.

  Now beat that Bella baby!

  • What is it with those diabetics? One minute they're having a hypo on the floor with a loved one standing over them screaming, ‘Quick! Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!’ The following day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say, ‘No thanks, I'm diabetic.’

  Totally confusing or what?

  • To the thieving bastards who broke into my house and stole my entire DVD collection, with the exception of Gone in 60 Seconds, a film starring Nicolas Cage.

  I just hope that when the police eventually catch up with you, the sheriff on the bench takes into account your splendid sense of humour and gives you sixty months.

  Reasonable, or what?

  • How come my local pub landlord won't serve me if I'm drunk, but down at my local McDonalds they continue to serve all those overweight fat bastards with Big Macs?

  Is that fair, or what?

  The Auld Enemy

  • • •

  Donald was nearing retirement from his tenure as the big polisman of the Highlands.

  Prior to his parting of the ways from his beat, Donald received the unexpected news that his replacement for the area was to be Nigel, an English police officer with eight years’ police service, who was transferring up to the Highlands from the Metropolitan Police.

  Donald greeted him on his arrival the first day, and proceeded to guide him around the area, introducing him to the locals, pointing out the areas of concern and the main offences committed, such as poa
ching, stealing bird eggs, and so on.

  However, Donald was finding it hard going, working closely with his English counterpart, who blatantly stated in no uncertain terms that ‘he would police the area his own way’.

  This remark from Nigel was the last straw, and Donald was not about to argue with his opinion on policing, therefore out of courtesy he refrained from making any more comments.

  The following day while out patrolling the area, Donald pulled up to speak with one of the Laird's gamekeepers. Nigel was disinterested in hearing what was being said, and got out from the police Land Rover, went over to a small Highland burn, and, cupping his hand, he scooped up some water to drink. On seeing this, the Laird's gamekeeper shouted, ‘Ho! Dinnae drink thon watter man, it's fu’ o’ coo's shite ‘n pish!’

  Nigel turned to face him and replied, ‘My good man, I didn't understand a word that you uttered from your mouth. Could you possibly repeat what you just said, only this time in English?’

  Before the gamekeeper could respond, Donald intervened and shouted, ‘He said if you cup both your hands together, you'll get more water that way!’

  That's About Right!

  • • •

  During my time as a police recruit, I was asked at my Training School oral exam, ‘What would you do if an occasion arose where you had to arrest your own mother?’

  To which I replied, ‘Call for back-up!’

  Medicine Man

  • • •

  During my police service, I must have preached a thousand times and more to my own children, children on the street, in schools, and so on: ‘Don't take drugs from anyone! You don't know what you're taking! To do so could prove fatal!’

  Harsh words indeed, but very true, so it will come as a surprise to you when I tell you about the time my father-in-law arrived at the house for his annual two-week holiday.

  While visiting this particular time, he decided to prune, weed, cut grass and give my garden a general tidy-up.

  As I was working back-shift at the time, I wasn't going to deter him – in fact, if truth be known, I actually encouraged him.

  Nothing got in his way as he grafted nonstop for three days, gathering all the cut grass and weeds into a neat pile at one side.