There's Been a Murder!

by Harry Morris

  I was tucking into my lunch before leaving for duty and Hugh joined me for his. During our conversation over lunch, Hugh complained about not sleeping well due to an aching back problem, aggravated while working in the garden.

  Having suffered a severe back injury during my police service and prescribed daily medication of DF118, (Dihydrocodeine) tablets, a very strong pain killer, I suggested he try just half of one, to give him some relief from his suffering, and he agreed.

  I gave him the half tablet about 12.30pm that afternoon before bidding him farewell and heading off to my work.

  Later that night, on my arrival home at 11.30pm, my wife informed me that Hugh had gone to bed shortly after I left for work, fell into a deep sleep and didn't even get up for his tea.

  ‘I looked in on him about an hour ago and he's still sparkled!’ she added. ‘Totally out of it.’

  ‘Oh well, he must have been needing it!’ I said, satisfied with my prescribed action.

  After a mug of tea and a slice of toast, I retired to bed.

  The following morning, I was awakened by the kids laughing and giggling, so I got out of bed and went to check on them.

  There they were, in Hugh's room, playing on the bedroom floor, with Hugh still sound asleep.

  He didn't even stir as I manhandled both of them out of his room to allow him to sleep on and have a long lie.

  About 11am, I was making a cup of tea, and decided I would check on Hugh and see if he would like a cup, but on entering his bedroom I started to feel a little uneasy, as Hugh still appeared sound asleep and in the same position, twenty-two hours further on.

  As I stood over him staring at his face, I suddenly got the impression that he wasn't breathing.

  ‘Shit!’ I blurted out in shock, before bending over him for a closer look at his breathing … Nothing!

  I stood staring at him for a few moments, just in case he was holding his breath for a laugh, but no. He didn't appear to be breathing. ‘He's dead!’ I immediately thought.

  ‘Shit! Quick, get me a mirror,’ I whispered to my wife out the side of my mouth. ‘And keep the weans out there.’

  ‘What for?’ asked the missus, a former nurse, with a puzzled expression on her face!

  ‘Just get me a mirror,’ I repeated, feeling anxious.

  I took the mirror, bent down beside him and put it up to his mouth and waited for his hot breath to cloud the mirror.

  And waited! And waited! When suddenly he opened his eyes, looked at his reflection in the mirror against his face and almost had a heart attack on the spot.

  ‘Whit the hell are youse two daying? Ye could have killed me there, ye gave me such a fright!’

  Little did he know, that was what I thought too!

  ‘Eh, I'm making some tea, would you like a cup?’ I casually asked.

  To which he replied, ‘How? Is that you finished yer work already? Some shift you dae, I'm telling ye! Ah wish I'd been a polis, bloody part-timers.’

  Well! You Did Ask!

  • • •

  The Community Involvement branch of Strathclyde Police were doing a ‘purge’ on schools and pushing home their attempts to maintain a close relationship with all pupils, young and old.

  An appointment was made to call at Inveraray primary school in Argyll, with a view to speaking openly with the pupils.

  During the talk, being conducted by a male and female police officer, the question was posed to the pupils, ‘What was your most embarrassing moment?’

  They went around the classroom, hearing various scenarios of what they regarded as their biggest embarrassing moment, eventually arriving at a young boy who was sitting patiently awaiting his turn to speak.

  ‘Okay, what's your name then?’ asked the policeman.

  ‘My name is Angus,’ he responded.

  ‘Okay, Angus, what was your most embarrassing moment?’

  ‘The day my sister walked into my bedroom and caught me masturbating!’ he replied forthrightly.

  There was complete silence in the classroom for a few moments. You could hear a pin drop it was so quiet.

  The police officers were totally speechless and glanced sideways at each other, trying not to appear shocked, as the majority of the classroom began sniggering at this outrageously rude response by Angus.

  Trying to look unperturbed by this statement, the male officer decided to break the silence, and asked the first thing that came into his head. ‘So what did you do?’

  To which Angus replied, to howls of hysterical laughter from his classmates, ‘Ah just shut my door over and finished it off!’

  Wet Ones

  • • •

  An old man goes into a drugstore to buy some Viagra.

  ‘Can I have six tablets, cut into quarters?’

  ‘I can cut them for you,’ said the pharmacist. ‘But a quarter tablet will not be enough to give you a full erection.

  ‘Erection! I'm ninety-two-years-of-age,’ replied the old man.

  ‘I don't want a bloody erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss all over my new slippers.’

  Betty and Isa

  • • •

  Yesterday, I called in at my local Shell garage for some fuel.

  After I had topped up my car, I walked in to the shop kiosk to pay and took my place at the rear of the small queue.

  There were two elderly women at the front and as they approached the counter, the garage shop assistant greeted them.

  ‘Hi Betty! I see you're back again!’

  ‘Naw, it's no’ me, William, it's Isa,’ she said.

  ‘What? Have you changed your name then?’ he asked.

  ‘Don't be silly, it's Isa here,’ she replied.

  At that, her small frail elderly friend appeared in view from behind her.

  ‘Her! This is Isa,’ she said, introducing her friend. ‘She needs a few things … Right, Isa, tell William whit ye want!’

  Isa looked straight at Betty with a blank look on her face and asked, ‘Whit dae ah want?’

  Rather than tell her directly, Betty gave her a clue to jog her memory.

  ‘Well, what dae ye want tae drink?’

  Quick as a flash Isa blurted out, ‘Whisky wi’ a dash o’ green ginger!’

  This prompted some smiles and a few sniggers of laughter from the assembled queue, who could see the two elderly ladies at the front of the counter, via the security television screen above their head.

  ‘Well William disnae sell whisky, so what dae ye want tae drink jist noo?’

  She then looked right into Isa's face, nodding her head in a prompting way.

  ‘Ginger?’ responded Isa.

  ‘Correct! A bottle of ginger, please, William. Right, Isa, what else dae you want?’

  ‘Ah cannae remember!’ she replied.

  ‘Of course ye can. I'll give ye another clue … Swine flu’!

  ‘Swine flu?’ she repeated.

  ‘Aye! Swine flu. It's all the rage jist noo, never oot the news, remember?’ said Betty, nodding her head again.

  ‘Swine flu? Oh, ah remember, wis it pork chops?’ she answered.

  ‘Naw, ya silly auld cow.’

  ‘Roast beef then?’ she quickly responded, changing her previous answer.

  ‘Naw! It wis hankies. Paper hankies! Dae ye remember noo?’

  ‘Och aye! Ah remember! Gimme paper hankies,’ she said.

  By this time the queue was almost out the door, and most of us standing in it were now laughing and giggling uncontrollably.

  ‘I've only got the big box of tissues,’ William said.

  ‘How much are they?’ Betty asked.

  ‘£3.29!’ he replied.

  ‘£3.29? That's awfy dear. How much is a toilet roll?’ she asked.

  ‘Ninety-nine pence for a pack of two,’ replied

  ‘Jist gimme them. It's only tae wipe my nose,’ she said, prompting even more laughter from the patiently waiting queue.

  At that, Betty turned to face th
e crowd behind them.

  ‘Oh come on, Isa, we're holding up the entire shop here. Jist take that the noo and we'll come back down afterwards when William's not as busy!’

  Isa began to fidget about her pockets. ‘Oh, bugger it!’ she said.

  ‘Whit's up noo?’ asked Betty.

  ‘I've came oot the hoose without my purse. We'll need tae come back, son. Nae money!’ she said, throwing her arms out to the side.

  At that, Betty pulled her to one side and said, ‘Sorry about that, William. We'll come back down after. We'll go and get a wee cup of tea!’

  ‘Ah cannae wait!’ said William. ‘Ah look forward to you coming back. Ye make my day!’

  Then Isa blurted out, ‘Milk! I've nae milk left for my tea!’

  Hustling her to the side Betty said, ‘I've got some in the fridge!’

  At that, Betty and Isa struggled their way through the shop full of queuing, smiling customers with the threat they would return later with money, after a wee cuppa tea.

  That's if auld Isa can remember … Remember whit?

  Mistaken Identity

  • • •

  A drunk who smelled strongly of stale alcohol sat down on a subway train next to a policeman.

  The man's shirt and tie were stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of whisky was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened the newspaper he was holding and began reading it.

  After a few minutes the man turned to the policeman and asked, ‘Excuse me, ossifer, what causes arthuritis?’

  The policeman replied, ‘Well usually it's associated with loose living, hanging about with cheap, wicked women, drinking too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and a lack of proper hygiene.’

  The drunk muttered in response. ‘Well, I'll be damned!’ Then he returned to his newspaper.

  The policeman, thinking over what he had just said, nudged the drunk man and apologised.

  ‘I'm very sorry about my outburst. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you suffered from arthritis?’

  The drunk looked at the policeman and said, ‘I don't have it, ossifer. But I was just reading here that your newly appointed Chief Constable does.’

  Get Ahead!

  • • •

  Two of my colleagues in the Traffic Department working out of Inverness police office, were arranging their gear into the car prior to going out on uniform patrol duty.

  All systems go, they climbed into their brand-new police Range Rover and drove off, out onto our streets.

  After a few moments of driving along the road, their attention was drawn to several members of the public, waving at them. They naturally assumed the public were showing a friendly approach to them, and decided to reciprocate by portraying a positive image and acknowledging them in a courteous manner.

  However, they were soon to become increasingly perplexed at the increasing number of pedestrians and fellow motorists waving to them and pointing at their shiny new Range Rover.

  Eventually they stopped at traffic lights, and a pedestrian approached the car and tapped on the passenger window.

  As the police officer slowly lowered the electric window, the pedestrian informed him that his uniform police hat was hanging over the roof light of their car.

  At that, a very red-faced and embarrassed police officer alighted from the car to retrieve it.

  Never mind, guys, at least I didn't identify you like your colleagues wanted me to do.

  Mind you, I remember partnering a cop nicknamed ‘Zippy’, who had just bought an Indian curry for his tea when he was approached by a young, attractive female looking for directions.

  He placed the curry on the roof of the car, turned around, gave her the directions and promptly jumped into the car.

  I had only driven off a few metres when he remembered about the curry and shouted ‘STOP!’ Which I did immediately, and watched as his curry shot forward and spilled all over the car's bonnet!

  Police Hearing!

  • • •

  Big Jim McGurk, a police motorcyclist, called to see the police chief medical officer complaining of a hearing problem.

  ‘Can you describe the symptoms to me?’ Asked Dr McLay.

  To which big Jim replied, ‘Aye … Homer is a fat lazy bastard wi’ a big yellow face and Marge is a skinny burd wi’ bright blue hair!’

  Police Protection

  • • •

  During a high profile G8 security training course being held in The Hague, a Strathclyde police officer dressed in full uniform made his way into a local chemist shop.

  Very carefully he opened the breast pocket of his police tunic and took out his official notebook.

  Opening it up at the beginning, he removed a neatly folded package, which he then unfolded to reveal a small white square handkerchief, and, slowly unwrapping it, he produced a condom.

  As he spread it out on the counter, it was most noticeable that the tattered condom had a number of Elastoplast patches on it.

  The chemist looked on, scrutinising the item laid out before him, while glancing a look at the police officer, who then asked, ‘How much would you take to repair it?’

  ‘The chemist focused on the tattered condom, shrugged his shoulders, shook his head and said, ‘Sixty or seventy cents.’

  ‘Sixty or seventy cents?’ the policeman repeated, thinking out loud. ‘And how much would it be for a new one?’

  ‘One euro,’ replied the chemist.

  The policeman painstakingly folded up the tattered condom into the white square handkerchief and placed it between the pages of his official notebook, before replacing it carefully into the breast pocket of his tunic and walking back out of the front door.

  Moments later, the chemist heard the front door opening again, followed by a shout for service.

  He looked out to see the same police officer standing at the front counter with a grin on his face.

  ‘Can I help you?’ asked the chemist.

  ‘Ye sure can!’ said the police officer. ‘The boys have taken a vote and decided – we're just going to buy a new one.’

  Donnie Tales

  • • •

  When we were police probationers, one of the students on my course was telling me that he was sleeping with his girlfriend and her twin.

  I asked, ‘How do tell them apart?’

  He replied that it was very easy: her brother's got a moustache!

  Having a Bad Day

  • • •

  If you think you are having a bad day, let this cheer you up.

  A wee Glesca woman came home from work to find her policeman husband in the kitchen twitching away frantically, with some kind of wiring going from his waist towards the electric kettle on the worktop.

  She took immediate emergency action to free him from the deadly current, by whacking him with his police-issue PR24 truncheon, thereby breaking his arm in two places.

  Up to that moment, he had been happily practising his John Travolta disco dance moves, while listening to his iPod.

  STILL think youre having a bad day?

  Two animal rights protesters were demonstrating with banners at the cruelty of sending pigs to an abattoir in Paisley, when suddenly, all 200 pigs being delivered broke free and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.

  Alas, the two hapless animal rights protesters were directly in their way and, as a result, were trampled to death by the very pigs they were protesting about.

  STILL having a bad day? Well this last one is a complete classic.

  An Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb he was sending to a local police station.

  Subsequently, it came back to him with the words ‘return to sender’ stamped on it.

  Forgetting it was the bomb he had sent, he promptly opened it up, and surprise, surprise, he was blown to bits.

  Which reminds me of a story about a Suicide Bomb Instructor w
ho stood in front of his class of potential suicide bombers and, as he was about to detonate the explosives he was wearing, he said, ‘Pay attention, ‘cause I'm only going to show you this once!’

  There now, feeling better?

  That Was the Start

  • • •

  When I arrived home last night from a police outing at the golf with the rest of my shift, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive. So I took her to a petrol station and filled up the car.

  The Bunny Boiler

  • • •

  Sergeant Hector was the shift duty officer in charge of the Pollok police office in Glasgow.

  On his weekend off, along with the wife and kids, he took off to his family country cottage in a small village just outside Campbeltown, accompanied by the latest family pet, an unusual white-coloured Cocker Spaniel dog.

  On their arrival at the cottage, with it being a sunny day, the dog's collar with fancy name tag was removed in order to provide it with its first pet bath.

  After the ceremonial first bath, which involved lots of pampering and towel drying, it was tethered outside in the sun to dry off.

  A short time later, the youngest daughter went outside to give it some food and discovered that it had chewed its way through the lead and escaped through a hole in the garden fence.

  Being quite near to the main road, a search was made to try and locate it, but no trace was found of the pet.

  Later that evening, having exhausted their search, Hector made his way to the local pub for a much needed pint.

  It was while standing at the bar enjoying his pint that he overheard a drunken local relating a story from earlier that day, of how on his way home from the pub earlier that afternoon, he had come across a giant white rabbit in the middle of the road, sitting on its hind legs with its paws and tail wagging.

  Without going into too much more detail, suffice to say, he captured it and took it home with him.

  On hearing this news, big Hector promptly informed him that it was in fact a dog, not a rabbit, and that they had been searching for it all afternoon.

  Where was it now?