Transcending Darkness

by Airicka Phoenix

  “No, she’s not.”

  His heart dropped into his stomach like a stone and was picked at by the bubbling acid. “Why? What’s wrong?”

  “How could you not know? You’re not really so blind, are you, little brother?”

  “Damn it, Maraveet! Just tell me.”

  Her look was pitying and slightly disgusted. “She’s in love with an absolute moron. It’s any wonder she’s so heartbroken. She keeps hoping you’ll come to your senses and pick her over this life that you don’t even belong in and you never do.” She folded her arms. “She’s dating you know. She’s seeing this handsome fellow named Randy.”

  He turned away and headed back to his desk. “Why do I need to hear this?”

  “Because, you idiot, you’re going to lose her if you don’t get your fat head out of your ass! This Randy person is nice and all that, but he’s not you and that’s who she wants.”

  Killian stopped and glowered at her from over his shoulder. “You’ve got problems, you know that? For years you’ve been telling me to keep away from people, to never fall in love, to never let myself be happy. When I finally listen, you’re telling me I should drag Juliette back to this nightmare and put her in danger all over again. I can’t honestly decide whether you hate me or her.”

  “I don’t hate either of you!” she cried. “I love you both is why I’m here. You haven’t been the same since she left. Honestly, I hate this person you’ve become. You’re arrogant and selfish, and worse, you’re bitter. My brother, no matter what, had always been kind and wonderful and always thinking of others. Now, you’re just an asshole behind a fancy desk.”

  He whirled around, his temper clashing with the pain prickling at his temples. “What do you want from me, eh? You can’t seem to make up your bloody mind!”

  “I want you to be happy!” she screamed back at him, her cheeks red with exertion. “I want you not to be here anymore. I want you to give up this life that isn’t yours. You don’t belong here, Killian. You never belonged. Your mother knew that. Do you think she would want you to lock yourself in here day after day, night after night, killing yourself for nothing? She wanted you to be happy. She wanted grandchildren. She wanted you to find your fairytale and you have. You found Juliette. She’s the one meant for you and you’re pushing her away.”

  “I almost lost her,” he reminded her, fighting to keep his voice in check. “I came so fucking close, Mar.”

  “I know, but—”

  “No, you don’t. You have no idea how much I hate this. You have no idea how badly I want her back, or the things I would happily do to make it happen. I miss her, Mar. I miss her so much it fucking hurts. But every time I pick up the phone to call her, or even think about having her back, I remember the envelopes. I remember how completely useless and helpless I felt not knowing what they were doing to her. I did that to her. I put her right in their hands and I can’t do that again. I can’t … God, I can’t!” He sagged against his desk and clapped a hand over his burning eyes. “Just let me rot in here. I’d rather die alone and miserable than to live forever knowing she’s not out there.”

  “Fine!” Her chin warbled. “But know that I hate you so much right now.”

  Spinning on the points of her heels, Maraveet stormed from the room, leaving Killian alone in his misery.

  Chapter 32

  “Hey, want to hit a movie with me tonight?”

  Randy Sawyer smiled at Juliette from across the counter. Anticipation and hope glittered in his blue eyes, giving his beautifully chiseled features an almost boyish glint.

  “A movie sounds nice,” Juliette lied, forcing herself to smile. “I’d like that.”

  That wasn’t entirely a lie. She liked movies and she liked Randy and sometimes, it was nice to do things she liked that didn’t involve sleeping or walking around her house in her pajamas. The only problem was that she couldn’t bring herself to like-like Randy the way he seemed to like-like her and that made the whole dating thing awkward.

  It had been two weeks since their first date and she still wasn’t sure why she kept saying yes when all she wanted was to die a lonely death wallowing in her own desolation. Maybe it was because Vi refused to let her or the fact that every time he asked, her mouth automatically said yes, like if she said it often enough, eventually her heart would notice that, hey, there’s a really sweet, good looking guy over here who deserves a chance. It made her the worst person in the world, but her brain had already decided that she needed to move on and let go. Her heart was a whole other matter. It was still adamant that it wanted Killian and only Killian and no one else would ever do. The two refused to see eye to eye on anything and Randy was taking the hits. But she figured if she forced herself to take more notice and open up to the possibility, then maybe, eventually, the pain would fade. That hadn’t happened yet.

  Dimples winked from a smile made for toothpaste commercials. “Great! I’ll pick you up at six.”

  “Why don’t I meet you at my place?” she suggested. “That way I can change.”

  Randy nodded. “Okay, but I can drop you off so you don’t have to grab the bus.”

  His kindness made her hate herself a little more.

  “It’s okay. I like the bus. Besides, you’ll still be working when I get off.”

  Randy was a masseur in the hotel spa. She’d never seen him before the day he walked up to her counter and asked for her number. The sheer size of him, those dimples, and the unexpected approach had bulked her into complying.

  He relented. “Okay, well, then I’ll pick you up at seven.”

  Juliette agreed and watched as he ambled away.

  I can do this! She willed herself to believe. Honestly, how hard was it to find someone else? People did it all the time. They broke up, ate chocolate, and moved on to someone new. It wasn’t even as though she and Killian had been dating. It had only been sex, for God sakes. Letting go should not be that hard, and yet, five months later, she was still unable to do so, even with a guy who was as amazing and sweet and safe as Randy. There was something wrong with her, clearly. She had problems.

  “You have problems!” Vi smacked the dishcloth down on the island and stormed to the fridge. “You’re insane and I am no longer feeding your crazy.”

  “Vi, please!” Juliette begged. “If I have to listen to one more awkward silence, I will kill myself.”

  “But go on your date?” the girl cried, whirling around. “Do you have any idea how weird that is? God, Jewels, he’s going to think we’re some kinky sister love package.”

  “Oh ew!” Juliette flinched. “That’s disgusting.”

  “Then don’t invite me to your date!”

  Groaning, Juliette dropped into a stool at the island and dropped her face into her folded arms. “I don’t know what to say to him when we’re together,” she mumbled. She lifted her face and peered imploringly at her sister. “He keeps asking me things.”

  The look Vi shot her was one of profound disgust. “Yeah, because you’re dating!” She threw up her hands. “Why are you if you can’t even stand to have a conversation with him?”

  “It’s not that I can’t stand to talk to him,” Juliette argued. “It’s because I don’t…”

  “What?” Vi demanded when she trailed off.

  Juliette sighed. “Because I don’t want to talk to him. I mean I do. He’s such a great guy and—”

  “And he really likes you,” Vi chimed in, being no help at all.

  “But I don’t feel anything,” Juliette whispered. “When he takes my hand or when he kisses me—”

  Vi raised a brow. “You mean that very awkward peck on the cheek that nearly sent you out of your skin? Okay, fine, sorry. Not helping. Go on,” she mumbled when Juliette shot her a frown.

  “I keep hoping something will just spark and I’m getting nothing.”

  “Then clearly you need to say goodbye and find someone else,” Vi said sagely.

  “What if no one else wants me?” Juliette cri
nged at the pathetic note in her voice. “What if Killian…” Just saying his name hurt. “What if he was the only one and—”

  “You’re right.” Vi sighed. “Well, there’s only one thing to do now. We need to get you a cat.”

  She pitched the dishrag at Vi’s face.

  The girl caught it, grinning. “We’ll call him Ginger.”

  “Will you shut up?” Juliette rose.

  “And we’ll get him a little bell on his little collar,” Vi went on relentlessly. “Then, we’ll get him a girlfriend and call her Whiskers. Then Ginger and Whiskers can have little baby kittens and—”

  “I hate you.” She stumbled out of the room with Vi’s story of Juliette’s future following her to the stairs. “You’re still coming with me tonight!” she called over her shoulder.

  “Can Daisy and Mr. Pickles come too?” Vi chased her down the hall. “You know how they hate being away from you. Plus they’ll want to meet their new daddy. Oh!” Clapping her hands, Vi skipped up the first step after Juliette. “We’ll get you one of those cat purses and you can take all your babies with you everywhere! Or a kitty stroller.”

  “I will push you down the stairs, I swear to God.”

  Vi’s cackling followed them all the way to the top.

  Randy arrived promptly at seven in his Dodge Ram and clean, pressed jeans and black coat. His hair was still damp at the ends as though he’d left straight after his shower. The smell of soap and shaving cream wafted off him when he moved in to brush a kiss to Juliette’s cheek.

  “Hi.”

  Forcing her mouth to obey, Juliette smiled up at him. “Hey, you don’t mind if Vi tags along, do you? She had nothing to do and I felt bad leaving her alone.”

  “No! Not at all. It’ll be great to get to really meet her.” He looked past her to Vi, who was taking an unnecessary long time to lock the front door. “Hey Vi, how are you?”

  Pocketing her keys, Vi joined them at the bottom of the steps. “Good. I’m good. Excited, actually.”

  Randy’s eyebrows went up with interest. “Yeah? What’s up?”

  Vi’s arm snaked through Juliette’s. “Juliette has agreed to get a kitten.”

  Juliette shoved her.

  “She’s always wanted a kitten,” Vi went on, unfazed.

  “I will cut you,” Juliette warned under her breath.

  Vi simply grinned.

  Randy peered from one to the other, genuinely baffled. “Oh, well, that’s great. I love cats.”

  Vi elbowed Juliette. “Daddy!”

  “Okay, can we go please?” Juliette marched towards the truck with the other two following behind her.

  They drove to the movie theater in silence. In the backseat, Vi’s simmering disapproval coiled through the cabin, making the air bitterly uncomfortable. Juliette wondered if Randy could feel it too, but at a glance, he seemed only focused on the road. There was a calmness to his profile she envied. The sunlight toyed with the ends of his damp hair, making the rich strands shine. It highlighted the fine curves of his lashes to delicate gold. Juliette never understood the term Adonis like, but if she could picture anyone as the deity, it was Randy. He fit the persona, the Hercules body and Adonis’s face. Any girl would be lucky to have him.

  The thought curdled something in her chest, turning what little happiness she still harbored into guilt and self-loathing. She was a bad person. There was no other explanation for it.

  “Oh, I nearly forgot.” Randy pulled to a stop at a red light and turned his head to Juliette. “I won tickets today at work for that new botanical gardens that’s opening up this weekend.”

  Juliette’s eyebrows lifted. “Wow! Really?”

  He nodded. “I didn’t even know we had a contest going or anything, but my boss just walked up to me and said here, you won.”

  “That’s so great!” Juliette said, meaning it. “I’ve been wanting to go since I heard about it.”

  That seemed to perk Randy up. He grinned as the light turned green and he put the truck into drive.

  “Yeah? Well, good, because I was hoping you’d go with me.”

  Juliette stiffened. “Oh…”

  “Vi can come,” Randy said quickly. “I only have two tickets, but I’m sure we can pick another one up—”

  “No, that is totally cool!” Vi piped in from the backseat. “I don’t even like flowers. You guys should go.”

  Say yes! The voice urged when Juliette could only sit and stare at her hands curled in her lap. This was what she wanted. It was what she needed. She had to make this work.

  “I would love to go,” she heard herself say, and the hollowness in her voice was painfully evident even to her own ears.

  Bad person. Such a horrible, miserable, rotten person. She didn’t deserve Randy. He certainly didn’t deserve the screwed up mess that she was. He’d been nothing but good to her and all she could think about was how wrong it felt being in that truck with him. She should tell him. He needed to know that there was a very good possibility that she might never love him. That they might never be more than two awkward strangers.

  “Juliette?” She must have made a sound, because Randy was darting concerned glances her way. “You okay?”

  Tell him!

  But the words remained stubbornly lodged in her throat. Instead, she was smiling and nodding as though she wasn’t an absolute coward.

  They arrived at the theater and did what they always did; they got their tickets, their popcorns, and made their way to the proper door. Juliette had no idea what movie they’d decided on. She didn’t even watch it. She spent the entire hour trying not to stare at Randy’s arm taking up the entire armrest. She knew he wasn’t doing it to be an ass. He was no doubt hoping she’d do the normal thing and put hers next to it and she should, because that was what people dating did. They held hands at the movies. They kissed. They cuddled. What they didn’t do was flinch every time their shoulders brushed.

  The movie ended and everyone rose. She followed Randy’s back down the aisle with Vi right on her heels.

  “Are you guys hungry?” Randy asked as they left the theater and made their way to the truck.

  “I have school tomorrow and homework to finish,” Vi said. “But if you guys—”

  “I actually have to start work really early tomorrow,” Juliette blurted. “I should make sure I have clean clothes.”

  Randy nodded. “Fair enough.” They arrived at the truck and he yanked open her door. “But we’re still on for this weekend? The event starts at like eight so I can get you at seven, if that works for you?”

  Juliette nodded. “I’d really like that.”

  Chapter 33

  The low chatter of voices, the soothing hum of flutes and violins rolled along the smooth sheets of glass sweeping high into the evening sky in a gleaming dome over a breathtaking sea of colors. The conservatory brimmed with people Killian had never met and had no desire to meet now, but he remained and greeted each one politely. Somewhere in the mess was Maraveet. She hadn’t spoken to him since their argument, but he could feel her frothing anger and disappointment like an icy breeze. He made a mental note to track her down before the night was over and hopefully calm some of her feathers.

  In the meantime, he circled the room, playing the ever gracious host. He laughed and talked like his bowtie wasn’t choking him, like his suit wasn’t uncomfortably too tight. It was all in his head, but it still made him want to tear it all off and go home.

  “Killian McClary!” Nelson Miles cut through the crowd of silk and gems, large palm extended. “Good to see you again.”

  Killian plastered on his required smile and turned to greet the man. “Mr. Mayor, I’m glad you could make it.”

  “Of course. Of course!” He released Killian’s hand. “Wouldn’t miss it. Nora couldn’t stop talking about it for weeks.”

  Small and fairy-like in her green sequined gown, Nora smiled at Killian. “A garden is just what this city needed. It’s absolutely gorgeous.”

&
nbsp; Killian offered her a smile and the inclination of his head. “Not nearly as beautiful as you look tonight, Mrs. Miles.”

  Her pale cheeks flushed. “You’re too kind.”

  Mayor Miles tucked a gentle arm around his wife’s tiny waist and drew her comfortably into his side. It wasn’t a possessive gesture, but one that spoke of a long, happy relationship.

  “She does look stunning this evening, doesn’t she?”

  The color on his wife’s face amplified, but the shimmer of pleasure in her green eyes contradicted the playful swat she gave her husband.

  “Stop that.”

  Chuckling, Mayor Miles turned back to Killian. “Tell me what made you think of building such a splendor.”

  “My mother,” Killian answered honestly. “She had a love of flowers and gardens. I wanted to share that love with the city.”

  “Oh how sweet,” Mrs. Miles whispered. “Well, you did a wonderful job. I’m sure she would have loved it.”

  Killian started to open his mouth to respond when a movement by the entrance caught his attention. The words he’d been formulating dissolved in a fog that settled thick across his brain. His mouth went dry even as his heart gave a violent jolt in his chest.

  Juliette.

  She wore the dress he’d given her on Halloween. The Grecian gown rippled along her lithe frame in a wave of white satin and glittering gems. The silver threads glistened with her unhurried movement. She’d done her hair up in a twisted updo that left her shoulders bared and her face framed by subtle curls. She wore no jewelry, except his mother’s pendant and the sight of it nestled against the soft skin of her chest was nearly his undoing. Then he spotted the hulking figure standing next to her, one hand settled lightly on the small of her back and the burst of joy he’d felt at seeing her thawed into a dark plume of rage.

  “Killian?” Mrs. Miles had a dainty hand on his arm and he realized, with a shock, that his fingers had balled into fists. “Is everything all right?”