Nobody Else

by Jaxson Kidman

  “I punched her father.”

  “He deserved it.”

  “Not from me. Ben did the right thing there. Not me.”

  “Brice…”

  “No. Listen to me. I didn’t punch that guy because of what he was saying to Linda. I punched him because of the situation. Paige put on headphones because she knew her parents were going to start fighting. And being near you again… and sitting there with Paige, almost pretending she was Lindsay… it was too much, Kins. I mean, pulling up to your house and seeing Ben come out and just stake his claim because you’re his.”

  “Brice…”

  “No,” I said, cutting her off again. “I lost my edge because all I saw were broken hearts all around me. That little family was broken for whatever reason, fighting over something to do with court which was probably money related. And I just wanted to hit him. Because the pain he felt over writing a check to take care of his daughter was nothing to the pain I… the pain I felt…”

  I looked at the fire.

  Kinsley slipped her arms around me. She was holding me, finally.

  I lowered my head.

  She leaned to her side and pulled at me.

  I gently collapsed down to the floor, to her, burying my face into her neck. The smell of her hair. The smell of her skin. The smell of me on her skin. The smell of me on the shirt she wore. Her right hand played with my hair as she took deep breaths.

  “I love you, Kinsley,” I whispered. “Not just for the past. For everything. These moments we have now are so wrong, but I can’t feel guilty.”

  “I know,” she said. “I know, Brice. I’m sorry that I left you.”

  I lifted my head and looked into her eyes. “You don’t have to say that.”

  “I fucked everything up for everyone,” she said. “Every person I meet…”

  “You didn’t fuck me up.”

  “Look at you, Brice.”

  I smiled for a second. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Nothing,” she said. “Just sleep next to me.”

  I put my head back down.

  She turned to her right side and I pressed my body tightly against hers. I wrapped my arm around her and pulled, making damn sure she was protected. I would always protect her.

  In her left hand was the ultrasound picture. She held it out and I knew she was still awake a while later. Thinking about what could have been.

  For me, I was thinking about what could be.

  The thought of never touching Kinsley again killed me inside, but what we were doing right now… it was a goddamn affair. Whether the situation was known or not didn’t matter. Her home was somewhere else with someone else. And I was allowing it to happen. I was willing it to happen. I was taking advantage of it. Because my heart screamed her name and refused to believe in a world in which Kinsley wasn’t mine.

  But that world was real.

  That world was so fucking close, it actually scared me.

  14

  Yesterday’s Goodbye

  Kinsley

  I opened my eyes to a small fire next to me. Between the heat from that fire and being under that big, comfy blanket from the couch, I never wanted to move. I wanted to be here for the rest of my life. No more thinking. No more moving. No more anything. Just a long and needed break in life. To clear my head once and for all. To give my heart a chance to calm itself. And to give my mind a chance to forgive and figure something out.

  Of course, that was easier said than done as Brice came walking through the cabin, shirtless and enough ripped muscle to keep my hands and mouth busy for days, holding a cup of coffee in each hand. The mugs didn’t match, not that I expected them to. We never had anything matching when we were together. Cups, plates, pots and pans. It was always just this mismatched life we had.

  Compared to what I had at home though… where everything matched. The forks to the dishtowels to the washcloths matching the bath towels even.

  I took a deep breath as I propped up on my elbows and stretched my neck.

  “Morning, love,” Brice said with a smile that flirted with the notion of forever.

  “Morning,” I said.

  “Coffee,” he said as he crouched before me. “I can make us something to eat if you’d like?”

  I sat up and took the coffee from him. “Coffee is fine for now.”

  “You got it.”

  He stood up and backed away. My lips longed for one of his famous good morning kisses. The ones that would lift me up, wake me up, and the ones that would have us forgetting about what time it was and jumping right back into bed for some morning cardio.

  I sipped the coffee and watched as he sat down on the edge of the coffee table.

  There was something lingering between us, besides the obvious.

  To my right was the ultrasound picture. It was the last thing I expected to find under his bed. I shouldn’t have gone snooping, but it was so sweet that he kept all of our pictures. When I left, I was so broken and confused, the pictures didn’t even matter to me. But Brice did. He kept them. And it figured I’d be looking for the diamond ring when I decided to look through them. The first box I opened, I lifted a messy stack and there she was. Lindsay. My daughter. My precious daughter who never got the chance to experience life.

  “You can take that with you, Kins,” Brice said.

  “Take what?”

  “The ultrasound picture,” he said. “And actually, you can take any of them that you want. They’re our pictures, but you should have some, right?”

  I forced a smile. “Yeah. I might do that.”

  “How’d you sleep?”

  “Really good. It’s comfortable here.”

  “Gets lonely though,” he said. “I thought about getting a dog.”

  “A dog?” I asked and laughed. “You couldn’t keep a goldfish alive.”

  “First off, that goldfish came from a carnival,” Brice said. “And I tried to win it for that kid, but his mother got pissed at me. Right?”

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” I said.

  “And, to be fair, a goldfish doesn’t bark when it’s hungry.”

  “You’re evil,” I said, laughing. “Starving a poor carnival goldfish to death.”

  “Oh, stop,” he said. “That fish lived a great three days.”

  “And you want a dog…”

  Brice stood up and walked across the cabin to the window.

  I sipped my coffee again and eyed the ultrasound picture. I forced myself to stand and put the coffee mug on the fireplace mantel.

  I went outside in the cold February air and got my overnight bag.

  The bag was frozen, and I was sure everything inside was just as cold.

  “I’m going to get changed,” I said as I walked to the bedroom.

  “Enjoy,” Brice said.

  It was so casual with us. Walking into the bedroom. Looking at the bed. The black dress right there on the floor, along with my bra and panties. My face burned red hot as I crouched to collect my clothing.

  I took a change of clothes from the bag and tucked last night’s evidence away.

  After getting changed, I left the bedroom, bag in hand, and saw Brice cleaning up the bed of blankets.

  We used to do that all the time. Sleeping on the floor on blankets or sleeping on the couch. There was a time when we didn’t sleep in our own bed for months just because we didn’t want to.

  “Just like old times,” Brice said as he lifted the pile of blankets and tossed them all to the chair.

  “Yeah,” I said.

  That’s when Ben’s words hit me.

  Maybe you should give up the past.

  It all came crashing down around me at once. Brice’s first email was him talking about the past. Sending me a picture. Seeing him for the first time in years was simply to compare how he looked now with the past. Everything we did and talked about revolved around the past. Which was expected. Our past was such an important part of our lives.

  “Brice, can I ask you so
mething?”

  “Of course,” he said.

  “What’s going on with Milo?”

  “Milo? Why do you ask?”

  “We never talk about anything that’s happening now.”

  “Okay… what do you want to know?” he asked. He rested against the back of the chair and folded his arms.

  Part of me wanted to ask him to put a shirt on because it was distracting. But damn did he look good.

  “I don’t know. Just the situation…”

  “With Milo?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Why are you asking me this, Kins?”

  “All we do is talk about the past.”

  “Yeah. For right now. I mean, it’s a big part of us.”

  “I’m with someone else still.”

  “I know that, Kins.”

  “And yet I keep doing this. That makes me a really shitty person, Brice.”

  He sucked in a breath. “I understand. I’m no better for letting it happen. But I can’t pass up the chance to love you again.”

  I shook my head. “That’s the thing… it’s always the past. There’s nothing about today or tomorrow.”

  “We can have that too,” he said. “We just always seem to get together like this. I mean, not that I would ever pressure you, Kins, but you’re the one who needs to make a decision on things. I don’t know the arrangement you have at home. It bothers me, but I understand it. I can talk all day about the future with you.”

  “Not just me, Brice. Your life. What you’re doing. What you want.”

  “Everything I want revolves around you.”

  “But there are other things,” I said. “There has to be. It can’t just be me.”

  “Says who?” he asked. “Look, I moved here because of Milo. You know that. I’m trying to do right by him.”

  “To make up for what we lost?”

  Brice swallowed. “Okay, maybe a little. But also because of how he was being raised. I felt like I owed it to him to help his mother too. Why is this such a big deal right now?”

  I bit at my lip for a second. “I don’t think this is fair, Brice. To anyone.”

  “What’s not fair?”

  “This entire thing. I just can’t… Ben was going to propose to me at Christmas. But I fucked it up because I was sneaking around with you. I wanted to be with you though, Brice. And Ben has been okay with that. Who does that? Who lets someone they love…”

  “I’m doing it right now,” he said. “I can’t stop thinking about you and him together. Him giving you that ring. You, walking down the aisle with him. Fucking hell, Kins, you having babies with him…”

  I swallowed back the emotion as the world continued to crash down around me. “I’m sorry I left you. I’m sorry I did what I did to us. I’m sorry I lost our baby. I’m sorry… I…”

  Brice moved toward me.

  I put a hand out. “Just wait, Brice. Please. Just wait.”

  “You can’t say you’re sorry for what happened with Lindsay. Please don’t say that.”

  “I have to go,” I said. “I have to go home now. I have to stay there. I have to figure this out. For real. I can’t just keep running back and forth.”

  It looked like every muscle in Brice’s body stiffened. “Right.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “I don’t want to do this to anyone. I don’t want to come up here for a night and then leave. And then pretend somewhere else. And then get into some stupid argument and come running back here.”

  “Then just stay here, Kins. Do what you think is right.”

  “I am, Brice,” I said. “I am… I’m sorry.”

  I walked toward the door, holding myself together. I didn’t want to look back and let it all get to me again. There was no set answer inside me. There was no right or wrong. There was just my heart, dangling by a thin thread. The only right or wrong came in the form of my actions. And running from Ben to Brice to Ben to Brice was wrong.

  I opened the cabin door and felt the rush of cold air again.

  “Kinsley, wait,” Brice said in a stern voice.

  I paused.

  “You forgot this,” he said.

  Brice handed me the ultrasound picture.

  I took a shuddering breath.

  “And my offer still stands,” he said. “If there are any other pictures you want, just let me know. I can bring them to the bar or I can even mail them to you.”

  “Okay,” I said. “I have to do this, Brice. I have to…”

  He touched my back and nodded. “I know.”

  “Please don’t lose yourself, Brice. Please don’t just sit around and wait.”

  “Too late for that, Kins. You’re my entire world. You always have been. From the day I met you. And if this thing works out the way I fear it will, I’ll always love you, but I’ll be respectful to your heart. Just as long as I know your heart has exactly what it wants.”

  “I wish you would say something really mean right now.”

  “Yeah? Fine. You’re a damn fool for leaving me right now. You did it once before and now you’re doing it again. And you want to live a life where everything matches? Go for it. Enjoy your perfectly scheduled life where there’s no chance to stop and experience something new and something random. Go live in regret worse than you already do.”

  I smiled and reached up to touch his face. “Goodbye, Brice.”

  He turned his head and kissed my index finger. “Get out of my house, Kins. You’re never allowed here again.”

  I stepped out onto the porch and he shut the door and locked it.

  “I love you, Brice,” I whispered into the cold air. “But I need to know what that actually means.”

  I had to go home again. I had to know if what I had with Ben was real or not. Brice would forever be my past. And I couldn’t live my future talking about the past.

  For all I knew… I would wind up alone.

  “Sorry to make you stand out here,” Linda said as smoke slipped from between her lips.

  “It’s beautiful,” I said.

  “This is a tease,” she said, looking around. “Too early for it to get warm out.”

  “Just enjoy it.”

  “Yeah. I bet we get another storm before winter’s finally gone.”

  “It’s not snowing now,” I said with a smile.

  “Fine. You win.” Linda took another drag of her cigarette. “What a long day.”

  “They all seem that way.”

  “Yeah, well, court days are the worst.”

  “At least it’s working in your favor.”

  “Ben’s lawyer was really good. I think Dave is scared enough to back the hell down. I’m not being unreasonable here.”

  “I know you’re not.”

  “Although, I still kind of wish I had that punch recorded. That was amazing to see.”

  “Well, that’s just how Brice always was.”

  “Hit first, ask later?” Linda asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “Why is that so sexy?”

  “I don’t know,” I said. “Because what Ben did was so much smarter. He stopped the situation from getting out of control and then beat the guy up in court.”

  “It’s brain smart,” she said. “That’s sexy too. But there’s something about a guy who can punch someone and not care. Not be afraid of anything. You know? Like he’s the kind of guy that would just throw you into bed and…” she stopped. “Sorry.”

  “Wow,” I said. “Been a while?”

  “Oh, shut up. When have you seen me parade a guy inside?”

  “I don’t watch your house twenty-four-seven, Linda.”

  She laughed. “Yeah. You have enough going on in your house, huh?”

  “No. It’s been quiet. Normal.”

  “Normal?” Linda asked. “What happened to the wild love triangle?”

  “There’s no triangle.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “I owe it to Ben.”

  “Oh. So, Brice is…”

>   I shook my head. “Everything we’ve ever talked about or done was based on the past. I mean, that’s amazing, right? Who wouldn’t love to run into their first love and talk about everything that was good. I just don’t know if that’s enough to have a future. Especially when I have Ben. He’s good to me, Linda. He takes care of me. He takes care of things. He gave me this ring…” I held my left hand out. “He was going to propose to me but didn’t because he knew I was feeling…”

  “Torn,” Linda said.

  “Confused.”

  “Same thing,” she said. “So, what’s the plan now?”

  “I’m just living,” I said. “Ben is working. I’m working. We’re just back to normal.”

  Linda finished her cigarette and put it out. “The question is… does normal make you happy?”

  “I’m happy,” I said. “I’m here with you, right?”

  “You know what I mean, Kinsley.”

  “Are you happy?”

  Linda laughed. “No. I’m not happy. I have a hundred reasons not to be happy. But the good news for me is that I’m not talking about me.”

  “Then I guess I should head home, huh?”

  “Duck and run,” she said. “Now you sound like my ex.”

  “Oh, that's a low blow. Comparing me to Dave.”

  “Just saying…”

  “You like the drama,” I said.

  “Who doesn’t? Especially when it’s not mine.”

  “I don’t know what to say then, Linda. There was this event for Ben’s work and I went with him…” I rubbed my forehead. “I don’t know. There was this moment before we left that he zipped up my dress. And I had this fantasy of him just… you know.”

  “Yeah, I know,” she said.

  “But it’s Ben. Everything is so planned out.”

  “Have you talked to him about that stuff?”

  “Not really.”

  “Well, if you’re really trying to figure out what you want, maybe you should,” Linda said. “It’s kind of a big deal. I mean, there was a time when Dave and I stopped sleeping together and…”

  “To be fair to Ben, he made it clear that if I was going near Brice, he wasn’t going to go near me. I mean, he didn’t say it like that, but… we haven’t… since Christmastime…”