Obsessed

by Ruchi Kokcha

  For the first time in his life, Avik began to abhor these preconceived notions of feminine beauty. This realization could only have been brought upon him by someone who did not belong to the very consciousness that had given birth to those limited notions of a woman’s beauty.

  Ananki is exiled to the outskirts and from the periphery she mocks every social construct that society lauds. What I want to know is what is it that she values?

  When he returned to his hotel room, he got into his pyjamas and went straight to his bed. He had no appetite for food. All he wanted to do was to write about his first experience with Ananki before even the slightest part of it slipped his memory. Rather than use his laptop, he wanted to write on paper. He wrote her name across the top of a sheet, using her fountain pen. For a moment he felt as if he could write a million words about her, but the thought of the vision he had had in the afternoon intruded and upset him. He wanted to pull Ananki out of the union with Sernanki that he had envisioned in the afternoon. He was able to write only half a page, which agitated him. He kept the pen and paper aside and went out onto the balcony.

  Avik was disturbed by his loss of words. It was as if he had been robbed of his only wealth and he was angry at Ananki for depriving him of it. He was intimidated by the grip in which she held his mind; it had grown stronger with each passing night. No doubt he felt attracted to her, but the attraction that had started out of curiosity, his desire to unravel the unknown, was slowly developing into a triangle of like-hate-fear wherein he lost a part of himself to her at each point. One moment he was attracted to her and the next, the thought of her repulsed him. He knew he had to hold on to his self and that he needed to do so quickly, before the last element of his existence was stolen.

  He looked up at the night sky, hoping to detach himself from the pragmatic roar of the road that wanted to engulf him. His eyes locked on to the moon, which appeared slightly larger than usual. He had always been fascinated by it; as a child he had thought that the man in the moon was his twin soul, as lonely and sad as he was. In moments of despair, he had often poured his heart out to him, a patient listener to all his life’s miseries, a witness to all his joys and disappointments. He closed his eyes and spread his arms to let the full moon soak him in cool moonlight and wipe away all his travails, bringing tranquillity to his mind.

  After a while, Avik began to feel relaxed and clearer-headed than before. I must keep my mind strong, free from any kind of emotional attachment, whether positive or negative, he thought as he returned to his bed.

  But how do I do it? he wondered.

  The question filled him with angst and within no time he found himself drowning in it. As he lay there overwhelmed, his phone rang. It was Khyati.

  ‘Hey, listen, I’m sorry if I upset you this morning. I really did not mean to reach Dr Neerja’s house before you and start discussing the case. I was only trying to get some information regarding Ananki’s madness from Dr Neerja; you know she does not like to talk about it. If you felt bad, I am sorry,’ Khyati hardly took a breath till Avik interrupted her.

  He had been thinking of calling her and apologizing for his behaviour and would have done it earlier, had he not been so lost in thinking about how to save himself from Ananki.

  ‘Khyati, I am really sorry for venting my anger on you in the morning. No matter how much I try, I can’t erase what I said to you, but I want you to believe that I didn’t mean to insult or upset you. You know that, don’t you?’ he said.

  ‘Yes I do, Avik,’ she reassured him.

  Avik felt a sense of relief. He felt he could now tell Khyati something that had been on his mind and that he knew she might not like.

  ‘Khyati, I respect you for being there for me, but I guess the path in front of me has room for only one pair of feet. I will keep you updated on my progress, but after this I travel alone,’ he said and waited for her reaction, knowing his words would hurt her badly.

  Khyati remained silent for few moments. She was hurt indeed, but did not want him to know. Humour had always been her refuge to hide the pain in her heart. Once again Avik had chosen to leave her behind and move ahead on his own.

  ‘I hope that won’t stop our “beer dates”,’ she chuckled.

  ‘No, of course not. I hope you are okay with this?’ He wanted to hear it from her, even though he knew she was not okay.

  ‘It’s fine with me, Avik,’ she replied and paused before continuing, ‘It’s great that you took this decision. But always remember that I’m just a phone call away.’

  Their conversation was cut short by the beep of an incoming call on Avik’s phone. He told Khyati that he would call her back and answered the call. It was from a property agent whom Sahay had asked to find an apartment for Avik. Avik quickly wrote the address of his new apartment on the back of the sheet he had used to pen his thoughts on Ananki. The apartment was located in Mayur Vihar in East Delhi. Avik messaged a note of thanks to Sahay and then called Khyati back.

  ‘Will you help me shift to my new place without thinking that I am a selfish person for asking?’ he asked.

  ‘Of course I’ll help you,’ she replied.

  Avik felt ashamed and small in front of her, but he wanted to move to the new apartment as soon as possible. He was not familiar with East Delhi and being away from Delhi for so long had made him an outsider. So much had changed since he had moved to Mumbai. Asking Khyati for help seemed a better option than navigating the unknown streets of Mayur Vihar on his own, even if it made her think he was selfish.

  She was at his hotel within forty-five minutes. They packed his things and Avik checked out.

  ‘Where are we heading to?’ Khyati asked him as he drove.

  ‘Oh, sorry, I forgot to show you the address. Here, take it out from my left pocket.’ Avik leaned a bit to allow her to pull the piece of paper out.

  Khyati felt a little awkward but pulled the paper out of his pocket. After reading the address and giving him directions, she noticed that something was written overleaf. Curious, she turned the page, but Avik was quick to stop her. The only thing she was able to read was the heading at the top, ‘Ananki’.

  ‘I didn’t mean to pry, Avik,’ she defended her intrusion.

  ‘You will be the first person to read anything I write, Khyati, but when the time is right,’ he replied with his eyes fixed on the road.

  Khyati folded the sheet of paper and placed it in the glove compartment. The more time she spent with him, the more dejected she felt.

  ‘I should leave now,’ she said as soon as he was settled in his new apartment.

  ‘No, don’t go yet. We’ll have dinner first and then you can decide if you want to go,’ he said.

  Avik ordered pizza. Khyati was silent throughout dinner, eating quickly. She finished in no time and got up to leave. Avik could sense that he had hurt her and cursed himself for it. He understood the reason for his behaviour towards Khyati and was full of remorse.

  The closer he got to Ananki’s being, the further he pushed Khyati away. He felt sorry for her. As she stood at his door, he went up to her, held her face between his hands and kissed her. He could taste the cherry lip gloss that she had applied, his tongue roving in her mouth, brushing across her teeth countless times as if surprised at their smoothness. He had not kissed anyone like this before. It was raw, almost animal-like, to the point of being cruel to the receiver.

  Khyati shivered several times while he kissed her, with joy, with fear, and like a sponge she absorbed his animal instincts till they were both spent and panting for breath. He immediately felt guilty. He felt his knees going numb but went downstairs to see her off. Her parting hug made him feel all the more contrite. As he walked back up the stairs to his apartment, he thought about how foolish he had been. He did not love Khyati—though he sensed that she had a soft corner for him—and he was stuck in a strange alliance with Ananki.

  A kiss at such a juncture was uncalled for. I shouldn’t have let myself fall into the trap of cha
otic impulses, he frowned at himself.

  He felt choked inside, not knowing the way out of his situation, but found solace in beer, drinking till he became forgetful of his own existence.

  The next morning, when Avik regained consciousness in his new apartment, it felt to him as if a century had passed while he had lain unconscious. Everything appeared to have gained a new light overnight. The sunlight made the apartment glow with a yellow hue.

  It did not look as beautiful at night as it does now. I wish I was not alone.

  Avik desired company not because he wanted to share the beauty he saw but because he feared loneliness. He thought of Ananki. No matter how hard he tried to resist her, he could not, as if she were inevitable. He wanted to treat her as just another source of information important for the story, but something pushed him beyond that boundary.

  For me she stands true to her name, he thought as he headed towards the kitchen.

  Ananki recognized the scarf that Avik had tied to one of the bars of the door to her cell, which prompted her to ask Dr Neerja if her sister had visited her, though in her own style of communication. Her eyes filled with tears as she wrote ‘Priyanka?’ on the wall, large enough for the doctor to read it.

  None of her family members had visited her before. As she returned to stand in front of Dr Neerja, the doctor shook her head. She then took the scarf from Ananki’s hand and tied it around the young girl’s neck, but Ananki, clearly upset, pulled it off and threw it away from herself.

  ‘Da?’ she whispered.

  It was the first word she had spoken since she had entered her cell.

  Stunned, Dr Neerja turned around. ‘Who?’ she asked.

  ‘Da came here to see me?’ Ananki asked in a low voice, as if she had said something forbidden, clutching the bars with both hands out of anxiety.

  ‘I am afraid it was not Da. But you did have a visitor after all this time, a young man. He met Priyanka, and she gave him some of your belongings. I made it clear to him that you don’t want to meet anyone from the outside world. That’s what I have been instructed by Mr Rajput as well.’

  Dr Neerja waited for a response from Ananki, then left the cell for a meeting with Mr Rajput regarding Avik’s visit.

  On seeing Dr Neerja going out of the NGO, Sonu went to Ananki’s cell and gave her the mouth organ. She picked it up from the floor. She could not believe she was holding a gift most precious to her. She closed her eyes and felt the touch of its body on her palms.

  As Sonu turned to leave, Ananki stopped him.

  ‘Who gave it to you? Da?’ she asked.

  ‘No madam, Avik sir asked me to give it you. He came to see you yesterday and wanted to meet you again, but Dr Neerja didn’t allow him,’ he replied.

  ‘Did he tell you why he wanted to meet me?’ Ananki’s tone showed signs of inquisitiveness.

  ‘No madam, but he gave me five thousand rupees just to help him reach out to you. It must be of some importance,’ he said.

  Sonu’s revelation made Ananki more curious.

  ‘Can you bring him here?’ she asked him.

  ‘We will have to wait till the next opportunity,’ he told Ananki and left.

  8

  Avik’s head was heavy and his nerves begged for tea, but there was no milk or sugar in the kitchen. The previous tenant, however, had left some tea in a small container. He made black tea and forced it down as he went in search of his mobile.

  There were nine missed calls and three messages. One was from Sahay, asking about the new apartment and the progress on the case. Khyati had messaged him to call her when he woke up, signing off with a heart. He felt as if he had landed himself in trouble again, after the indifferent break-up with Trisha. The third message was from Sonu, received only forty-five minutes ago, asking Avik to call back. He had also called him thrice. Avik called Sonu back, ignoring the other two. He answered the phone in a tone more cheerful than the last meeting.

  ‘Avik sir, I gave Ananki madam the mouth organ. She said she wants to meet the person who sent it to her,’ Sonu said.

  Avik felt his body relaxing because of the words he had just heard.

  ‘Did she say anything else?’ he asked.

  ‘At first she thought it was someone else who had sent the mouth organ. She was not taking any name but said something strange.’ Sonu paused for a while.

  ‘What was it?’ Avik was anxious to know.

  ‘Something like, “Da”,’ Sonu replied.

  Avik remembered how she had also addressed the letter to this person.

  ‘So when can I meet her?’ Avik came back to the point. ‘Luck is in your favour, Avik sir. Dr Neerja is going out of Delhi for four days. You come tomorrow at 1 p.m., lunchtime. It is the safest,’ Sonu replied excitedly, thinking about the money he would get from Avik.

  In her office, Dr Neerja kept thinking about Ananki and Avik. She wondered what had made Ananki break her long silence and be curious about a boy she knew nothing of. Was it because Avik had made an effort to probe into her life, proof of which was the scarf, the sight of which had prompted her to inquire about him?

  But Avik’s interest in Ananki appears greater than that of a journalist’s in an important witness. He is delving more and more deeply into this case, to the point of developing a strong infatuation for the girl, if I have observed correctly. Even Mr Rajput has been reminding me not to let Ananki meet anyone and he sounded quite stern in the meeting when I updated him regarding Avik. If Avik persists any further, I will have to ask Mr Rajput to take action.

  Avik had had an intuition that he would meet Ananki, but he had not expected it to happen so soon. A fleeting feeling of calm possessed him until he realized that the fated event was to take place the following day and he was not prepared at all. He had never met someone who had been in a mental institution. The thought gave him goosebumps, his limbs turned cold while a sweat broke out on his forehead. He had watched her covertly, but meeting her face-to-face would be a challenge. He kept wondering what was it that had made her curious enough to meet him.

  Is there some trickery on her mind? Is it even safe to meet her?

  He could not understand why he was so hesitant to meet her. It was I who tied the scarf to the door of her cell, hoping she would notice that I had been there. It was I who gave the mouth organ to Sonu to give to her so that she might want to meet me. It is all going according to my plan, but something is pulling me back.

  He felt on guard, his mind warning him of what lay ahead, but a small part of his self knew no restrictions. It was like a tiny feather that could not be caught – the more Avik tried to hold on to it, the further it drifted away from him. What bothered him was that it was drifting towards her.

  The next morning arrived in the blink of an eye.

  Someone must have bribed Time to speed up its wheel, he complained as he silenced the alarm clock.

  No matter how hard he tried to hurry, he felt himself running short of time. It was already 10 in the morning and he had neither had a shower nor eaten breakfast.

  ‘I must not be late at any cost,’ he muttered as he went to the bathroom.

  After shaving off his beard, which had grown significantly as he had not shaved in several days, he went to the cupboard to select the clothes he was going to wear. He picked a white shirt, not caring how dirty it might get. His strong deodorant was rejected in favour of subtle cologne. All his efforts were directed at making himself as inconspicuous as possible.

  Today is not the day to project myself onto her, but to make her project herself onto me in every way she can.

  He put all her belongings in his bag and left his apartment without eating any breakfast. He had been eating very little since he had taken up this case. He did not feel hunger, as he was preoccupied with Ananki all the time.

  As he neared the institution, he was filled with a fearful uneasiness. He parked the car but forgot to lock it, mindlessly picking up the bag that contained Ananki’s belongings.

 
; She is about to unlock her closet while I am about to lock myself within, he contemplated as he entered the building.

  He felt he was no longer the same man as he walked down the corridor. Avik waited for Sonu in the corridor itself. Lost in his own thoughts, he didn’t see him coming. Avik remained unaware of his presence until he felt the touch of his hand on Sonu’s shoulder.

  He quivered as if someone had pinched him out of a nightmare. Sonu handed him a tissue, but he did not understand what he should use it for till he felt the sweat trickling down his forehead. He took it, wiped his brow, then stood up to go meet Ananki. Seeing his state, Sonu got a bit worried. He handed him a glass of water.

  Avik drank the water and assured Sonu that he was just a little nervous, but Sonu noticed that something more troubled him.

  ‘Are you sure you are ready to meet her?’ Sonu asked.

  ‘Yes. I am fine. Really. It’s just that I haven’t been in a situation like this before. I don’t know what to say when I meet her and it’s making me jittery,’ Avik said as they walked towards the stairs leading to the basement.

  ‘I would advise you not to say much. Just let her do the talking. Be a patient listener, that is what Dr Neerja does all the time with patients like her,’ Sonu said, trying to calm him.

  He patted Avik’s back twice and then left him at the stairs, all by himself.

  The light on the staircase was as dim as before. Avik walked down carefully, to avoid making any sound. He heard the faint sound of music, which grew louder at each step. As he reached the bottom of the staircase, he realized that it was a tune being played on the mouth organ. It was her. His feet turned cold, as if the blood had frozen inside them, as if the music had paralysed him. He sat on the last step to prevent himself from falling.

  The upper part of his body was sweating heavily while below his waist he was frigid. He felt that if he took even a step further, his body would break into two. He removed his shoes and started to rub his feet to thaw them. The music echoed in the space surrounding him. It called out to him. He put his cold feet back into his shoes, stood up and walked towards its source. He reached the door of Ananki’s cell.