Surprises According to Humphrey

by Betty G. Birney

  Just when I was beginning to think Aldo’s niece was smart, she said she’d feel silly talking to us!

  But other than that, I kind of liked her. I wished I knew her name.

  Og splashed away. After a while, I decided to eat the broccoli, because Aldo’s niece wasn’t from outer space after all. Spurling was a place on Earth, not some other planet. And the only reason she was going to perform surgery on humans was because—thank goodness—she was going to become a doctor! Best of all, I knew why Aldo hadn’t been coming to clean and I was pretty sure he’d be coming back soon.

  NIECE: The daughter of your sister or the daughter of your brother, but a niece is always a girl. If Aldo happens to be her uncle, she’s not just a niece, she’s also nice.

  Humphrey’s Dictionary of Wonderful Words

  The Return of Mi Amigo

  Heidi, do you know I really like you?” Mrs. Brisbane had kept Heidi in during recess. I was expecting another lecture about raising her hand, and I think Heidi was, too.

  “Not really,” said Heidi.

  “Well, I do,” the teacher told her. “You’re smart, you’re funny and you’re a very good student. I enjoy having you in my class.”

  Heidi wrinkled her nose. “Really?”

  “Really,” Mrs. Brisbane replied. “I realize that I haven’t ever told you that. I’ve been too busy trying to get you to raise your hand.”

  “Og, are you listening?” I called to my neighbor.

  He splashed in the water gently. He was listening, all right.

  “That’s a shame,” the teacher continued. “I wish I didn’t have to spend so much time on that. But I worry that your teacher next year might not get to know what a wonderful student you are, the way I do. I’d like you to break that habit before you move on. Would you like that?”

  Heidi nodded.

  “I think I’ve made you very unhappy because you haven’t been able to bring Humphrey home with you. Is that correct?”

  Heidi nodded again.

  Mrs. Brisbane smiled her kindest smile. “I think this weekend you should take him home. As long as you promise to keep on trying to break that habit.”

  Heidi’s smile was as wide as her face. “Oh, thank you!” she exclaimed. “And I will try! I promise.”

  Mrs. Brisbane smiled, too. “Then it’s all settled. Would you like to give Humphrey some fresh water and tidy up his cage?”

  Of course she did.

  “Oh, Humphrey, I can’t wait till tomorrow so you can come home with me!” Heidi said.

  I couldn’t wait, either. But in the meantime, I had a lot to think about. It was Thursday, Aldo’s big day, according to his niece.

  Would he pass his Spanish exam? Would he come back to clean Room 26 again? There’d been so many surprises in recent days, I was looking forward to things getting back to normal.

  It turned out I’d have to wait a lot longer for that to happen.

  I was spinning on my wheel after school when Mr. Morales stopped by the classroom again.

  “Just checking on that contract, Sue,” he told Mrs. Brisbane.

  Contract? Was that what he wanted from her? I stopped spinning and started listening.

  Mrs. Brisbane sighed and shook her head. “I haven’t been honest with you. I haven’t forgotten the contract. But I haven’t signed it yet, either.”

  Mr. Morales looked worried. “You are coming back next year, aren’t you?”

  Eek! The thought of Mrs. Brisbane not coming back to Room 26 was unsqueakable!

  “I can’t imagine not teaching next year. But this is my thirtieth year of teaching, and I qualify for full retirement.”

  Retirement? I panicked. When you retire, you don’t go to work anymore.

  “But you don’t have to retire,” the principal said.

  “No. It’s just, well, Bert.”

  Bert was Mrs. Brisbane’s husband and a thoroughly nice human.

  “He’s had a rough year now that he’s not working. I want to be there for him,” she continued.

  I guess he had a bad year, all right. He’d been in an accident and was in a wheelchair, but he could go FAST-FAST-FAST in it and he seemed pretty happy. He spent most of his time in his garage, making things out of wood.

  Mr. Morales stood up and started pacing. In fact, he paced right up to the shelf where Og and I live. “I understand,” he said softly. “I just can’t imagine Longfellow School without you.”

  “Neither can I,” Mrs. Brisbane agreed.

  They were VERY-VERY-VERY quiet, and it was time for me to squeak my mind. “Neither can I!” I said. “And Bert Brisbane is doing just fine! Better than your students would do without you.”

  “BOING!” Og unexpectedly chimed in.

  “Thanks for your support, Og,” I told him.

  Mr. Morales chuckled. “I think your friends Humphrey and Og want you to stay.”

  Even Mrs. Brisbane had to smile.

  “Take your time, Sue,” the principal said. “Just know what side I’m on.”

  I knew he was on the same side I was on. But would our side win?

  Mr. Morales left, then Mrs. Brisbane left. Og and I had plenty of time to think over what we’d heard.

  I looked out at Room 26, at the chalkboard full of math problems and the Spring into Numbers bulletin board, and tried to imagine Room 26 without Mrs. Brisbane. It was pretty hard to do. Of course, Principal Morales wouldn’t let us students stay alone in the classroom. He’d have to bring in another teacher.

  Suddenly, I could imagine Room 26 with another teacher, and it wasn’t a pretty picture because the teacher I imagined was Mrs. Wright. It wilted my whiskers to think of her blowing her whistle at shy Sayeh to get her to speak up. Pay-Attention-Art would be scared silly if he happened to be daydreaming and Mrs. Wright blasted her whistle at him.

  And my small, sensitive ears would be aching by the end of a whole day with Mrs. Wright in charge. Mrs. Brisbane knew how to handle my friends’ problems without whistles or shouting or being mean. I started to imagine going home with Mrs. Wright on a weekend, but it was too terrible to consider.

  Then I thought of another possibility. What if Mrs. Brisbane took me to her house forever? As much as I enjoy going to the Brisbanes’ house, I couldn’t stand the thought of not being a classroom hamster anymore. I wouldn’t get to visit different homes or meet new families on the weekends. And who would help the students of Room 26 with their problems?

  I poked my head out of the sleeping hut and loudly squeaked, “Og, you and I will have to stop her!”

  Og took a long, loud, splashy dive into the water of his tank.

  He had a lot of wonderful ways to agree with me.

  I was still trying not to think about Mrs. Brisbane when I heard some wheels squeaking down the hall, toward Room 26.

  By now, I was pretty sure that no spaceships were landing on the parking lot. But I wasn’t at all sure just who would be pushing that cleaning cart.

  The door swung open and the lights came on. Naturally, I couldn’t see anything for a few seconds.

  I held my breath and waited. I didn’t have to wait long.

  “Buenas noches, señores,” a voice boomed out. “You are looking at one very happy amigo. An amigo who has a bee-plus!”

  The voice was definitely Aldo’s. But I still couldn’t understand everything he said. I knew he was happy. I knew amigo meant “friend.” But why did he have a bee with him? Bees are annoying, noisy insects. And a huge bee-plus would be even more annoying.

  My eyes got used to the light and oh—it was wonderful to see Aldo in his usual work clothes, his lovely mustache bobbing up and down above his smiling lips. He waved a paper in the air.

  I got a B-plus on my Spanish exam!” He walked right up to my cage and waved the paper at me. “Okay, okay, I usually get A’s on most of my tests. But this B-plus makes me very happy because I thought I might fail.”

  I couldn’t imagine Aldo failing at anything. And now I understood that he w
as talking about a grade, not a buzzy insect.

  “Congratulations, Aldo!” I shouted with unsqueakable happiness.

  Og bounced up and down like the goofy frog he is. “BOING-BOING-BOING-BOING!” he twanged.

  “Gracias, amigos,” Aldo answered. Then he looked around Room 26. “Say, the place looks pretty good. My niece, Amy, did a fine job. ¡Muy bueno!”

  “She did,” I answered. “But I thought she was a space alien and I thought she captured you and I was SO-SO-SO worried!” I exclaimed.

  Aldo laughed heartily, which made his mustache bounce. “I think you missed me, Humphrey. And you know what? I missed you, too.”

  Then Aldo, who has done some very funny things, such as balancing a broom on one finger, did something even funnier. He began to snap his fingers. Humming a peppy tune, he lifted his arms above his head and began dancing between the desks, tapping his feet wildly.

  “Go, Aldo!” I shouted.

  “¡Olé!” he shouted.

  “¡Olé-Olé-Olé!” I chimed in.

  I was so happy to have Aldo back, I forgot that Mrs. Brisbane might not come back at all.

  At least for a minute, I forgot.

  CONTRACT: A piece of paper that you sign as a promise that you’ll do something, like teach school or pay your bills. Signing a contract is a very serious thing, and you should think carefully before you sign one. (Except for Mrs. Brisbane, who should sign that paper without thinking for one more second!)

  Humphrey’s Dictionary of Wonderful Words

  Hoppin’ with Heidi

  Some things are not surprises at all. Like the fact that as soon as we got in the car after school on Friday, Heidi asked her mother if Gail could come over to spend the night. Heidi and Gail are BEST-BEST-BEST friends and do just about everything together (except once when they had a bad argument).

  I wasn’t surprised when Mrs. Hopper said “yes,” either, because she’s a very nice mom.

  As soon as I was comfortably settled in Heidi’s room, Gail arrived with her backpack. It wasn’t long before the two girls were giggling.

  “Let’s dress up!” said Heidi.

  “Okay,” said Gail.

  Heidi opened a big square box and the girls pulled out all kinds of hats and scarves and jewelry. “Let’s be princesses.”

  Gail put on a firefighter’s hat. It was just like Jeff Herman’s hat, only this one was red. “Stop, drop, roll!” she shouted.

  So I did. I dropped down in my bedding and rolled over three times. The girls didn’t notice.

  “No, Gail. Find something fancy,” Heidi said. She had a shiny gold crown on her head.

  Gail took off the firefighter’s hat and poked around in the box. Soon the girls had on all kinds of lacy, frilly things and sparkly jewelry.

  After a while, Heidi took off her crown. “Let’s play a game.”

  “Okay,” said Gail. “Let’s play—”

  “Cards!” Heidi interrupted.

  Soon the girls were playing a game where they slapped down playing cards really fast. They were having such a good time, I decided to take a little nap.

  I woke up when Heidi said, “I’m tired of this. Let’s do something else.”

  “I have an idea,” said Gail.

  I never found out what Gail’s idea was because Heidi said, “Time for smoothies,” and raced out of the room. Gail sighed, but she followed her friend.

  The girls returned a while later, with glasses full of something that was bright pink and looked delicious.

  “Here, Humphrey. I brought you a treat,” Heidi said. And what a treat it was: a big, juicy strawberry!

  “I brought a treat, too,” said Gail. She pushed a perfect little raspberry through the bars of my cage.

  “THANKS-THANKS-THANKS!” I squeaked, which made both girls giggle.

  “How about we draw pictures of Humphrey?” Gail suggested. I thought it was a very fine suggestion.

  Heidi shook her head. “Not now. Let’s watch the princess movie.”

  “Oh, I’ve seen that a million times,” Gail said.

  Heidi grabbed Gail’s arm and pulled her toward the door. “So have I. It’ll be fun!”

  The girls were out of the room for quite a while, which gave me time to think. They were having a lot of fun, but I’d noticed something odd. No matter what Gail suggested—or tried to suggest—Heidi interrupted her with her own idea. And they always ended up doing whatever Heidi said. I was sure that Heidi didn’t mean to be so bossy. In fact, I don’t think she even knew she did it. But I was starting to wish that Gail could get her way for once.

  That’s when I came up with a Plan. I do like making Plans, so while I nibbled on the strawberry, I thought about what I could do to help Heidi see what she was doing.

  I slipped my notebook out of its hiding place behind the mirror and turned to the page that said

  A PLAN TO HELP HEIDI

  1.

  And I started to write.

  Much later that night, my notebook was back in its hiding place and the girls were ready for bed. While they were in the bathroom, brushing their teeth, I opened the lock-that-doesn’t-lock, quietly slipped out of my cage and hid under Heidi’s desk.

  The girls were giggling when they came back in. “I’ll take the top,” said Heidi.

  “Okay,” said Gail.

  Heidi’s bed was very unusual, because it was really two beds, with one stacked on top of the other.

  Gail was already climbing into the bottom bed when Heidi said, “We’d better tell Humphrey good night.”

  Heidi leaned over my cage and said, “Good night, little Humphrey.”

  What she saw was an empty cage with an open door.

  “Humphrey?” she said in a much louder voice. “Humphrey, where are you?”

  From my vantage point under the desk, I could see the look of panic on her face as she twirled in a circle, searching every corner of the room with her eyes.

  Gail leaped up. “He’s not there?”

  “No, look,” said Heidi. “He’s out of his cage.”

  Gail looked frightened, too. “I’m sure the door was closed.”

  “I know,” Heidi agreed. “But he’s not there! Oh, if anything happens to Humphrey, I’ll never forgive myself!”

  Gail looked around. “He has to be in this room.”

  Soon, the girls were crawling around the room on their hands and knees, calling my name. Finally, Gail spotted me. “There he is,” she told Heidi in a loud whisper.

  “Whew,” said Heidi. “I’ll get him.” She crawled over to the desk and reached out to grab me, but I was way ahead of her. I skittered away to a spot I’d picked out under the bed.

  Heidi looked pretty frustrated. “Humphrey! Why did you do that?”

  I wanted to squeak up and say, “To help you,” but I stayed quiet.

  Gail closed the door to the room. “I have an idea.”

  Heidi jumped up. “I’ll chase him out into the open and you catch him.” She was already crawling to the bed.

  “Come on out, Humphrey,” she said.

  She swung her arm under the bed. I came out, all right, and dashed under the dresser.

  “Humphrey!” Heidi sounded irritated. “Come here!”

  “He’s not going to come to you,” said Gail. “Listen…”

  But Heidi didn’t listen. “I’ll get a cup and catch him in that. Keep an eye on him.”

  She raced out of the room. Gail sighed and stared at me. Heidi was back in a flash with a large plastic cup in her hand. “You chase him out into the open and I’ll put the cup over him.”

  We played that game for quite a while. Gail chased me out from under the dresser. Heidi tried hard to put that cup over me, but I was too quick and too smart. Each time she thought she was going to be successful, I changed directions. I felt a little sorry for the girls. After all, it was time for bed. But I was determined to carry out my Plan.

  Finally, Heidi stomped her foot. “This isn’t working.”

>   “No,” said Gail. “But maybe…”

  Heidi suddenly brightened up. “Wait—I know! We’re doing it all wrong. We should move really slowly and tiptoe up to him so he doesn’t even notice us and then we’ll get him in the cup.”

  “I don’t know.” Gail sounded doubtful.

  “Try it.” Heidi was already tiptoeing. “We can’t talk at all.”

  It was funny to watch the girls tiptoe around the room, trying so hard not to make a sound. To make it even more fun, I came out in the open so they’d think they could really catch me. Of course, the second Heidi started to lower the cup over me, I darted across the room and under the desk again.

  “Bad Humphrey!” Heidi said. I actually felt like a bad little hamster, but I wasn’t giving up on my Plan yet.

  Heidi flopped down in a chair. “I give up. Don’t you have any ideas?”

  “Yes,” said Gail. “I have a very good idea. Come with me.”

  Gail left the room and Heidi followed.

  When they came back, without a word, Heidi moved my cage to the middle of the room. She opened the door and fiddled with it. Gail leaned down, opened her closed fist and placed something orange on the floor.

  I stared out at the floor, trying to figure out what was happening. Then I saw it: a luscious, juicy, beautiful little carrot wiggling and waggling across the floor. I’d never seen a vegetable dance around like that before. I shuddered to think it might be an alien carrot until I noticed that the carrot was attached to a string!

  This was my chance. I was longing to get back to the comfort and safety of my cage. Gail and her carrot gave me the perfect excuse to go back home.

  I waited a few seconds before I ventured out from under the desk.

  “There he is!” Heidi announced in a rather loud voice.