Dead Guy Spy

by David Lubar

  I left the locker room and walked over to the area of the bleachers where the wrestlers from our class were supposed to sit. I could see my parents at the top of the other bleachers, across the gym.

  “Any sign of Abigail?” I asked Mookie as I plopped down next to him.

  “Not yet. She’s probably figuring something out.”

  “I hope she figures it out soon.”

  I heard shouting and giggles. Shawna and a bunch of other girls from our class ran out in front of us and started performing a cheering routine. It looked like something they’d thrown together at the last minute. Some of them had pom-poms. Some of them just waved their hands. But they all had matching skirts and sweaters.

  Past them, I saw Abigail rush into the gym. I got up to talk to her.

  “Sit!” Mr. Lomux said. “The team stays together. No wandering. You’re a warrior now. Warriors need to stay focused.” He turned and shouted at a kid from another class who was coming over to say hi. “Restricted. Athletes and cheerleaders.”

  I looked across the gym at Abigail. Whatever plan she had, there was no way I could learn it now. Mr. Lomux would never let me leave the bleachers.

  21

  A Brilliant Plan

  Iguess Abigail realized I couldn’t go talk to her. She went to the side of the gym, grabbed a mop from the closet, and unscrewed the head.

  “What’s she doing?” Mookie asked.

  “I think she’s sneaking over,” I said.

  It looked like I was right. Though I guess sneaking wasn’t the best description.

  “Go, Ravens!” Abigail screamed. She ran toward us, waving the mop head like a pompom. When she was about ten feet away from me and Mookie, she dropped the mop head and did a cartwheel. Then she leaped in the air. As she was flying toward us, I saw her move her mouth, forming the words, “Catch me!”

  Mookie and I shot up from our seats and put our hands out. Abigail landed in our arms. I looked down at her. “I didn’t know you could tumble.”

  “Ohmygosh. Neither did I. I told myself it’s just simple physics.”

  “Like riding a bike?” I asked

  She nodded and took a deep breath. I looked around. Nobody was paying any attention to us yet. That wasn’t surprising. Abigail was invisible to Shawna and the rest of that group of girls.

  “Better hurry, before you get kicked out,” I said. “What’s the plan?”

  Abigail rolled off our arms. “It’s simple. Your’s is the last match. Right before you wrestle, I’ll turn off all the power at the main circuit breaker. The gym will go dark. There are emergency lights, but they aren’t very powerful. They’ll cancel the rest of the demonstration and everyone will go home.”

  “Why not do it now?” I asked.

  She shook her head. “They’d probably figure out the problem and just turn the power back on. They want the match to happen. And they want the demonstration. But nobody will care about missing the last pair.”

  “That makes sense. Can you really kill the power?”

  “No problem. I got a copy of the building plans. They’re part of the public record. But I’ll need help. Mookie has to boost me up to the crawl space so I can get past the locked gates. There’s one match between his and yours, so we’ll have just enough time.”

  “How do you know the order of the matches?” I asked.

  “I hacked into Mr. Lomux’s computer,” she said.

  “You’re kidding.”

  “Of course I’m kidding. He doesn’t know how to use a computer. But he wrote up a schedule. He left it sitting in his office back at school. Reading his handwriting was a lot harder than any kind of hacking.”

  She turned her head toward Mookie. “As soon as your match is over, go into the locker room and sneak out the side door that leads to the hall. I’ll meet you there.”

  “I love sneaking,” Mookie said.

  Abigail skittered away. The regular high school match started. I had to admit, it was exciting sitting so close to the wrestlers. I really got into it and cheered for our team.

  The East Craven Ravens were amazing. We won the meet without any trouble. I could actually see where wrestling would be fun. There was a lot of skill involved. Though if I had to pick a sport when I got to high school, I think it would be track. I liked running, now that I never got out of breath.

  After the last match, Mr. Lomux stood up and gave a speech. It lasted about ten minutes, but could pretty much be described with three sentences.

  I’m the greatest gym teacher of all time.

  These kids were nothing until I got my hands on them.

  This is only the beginning of the massive athletic program I have planned for our school.

  Finally, he stopped talking and let us wrestle. Every match was exciting. Unless you knew everyone was faking it. One kid would do a perfect takedown. The other would do a perfect escape. Finally, as time was running out, someone would get a pin.

  Adam wrestled in the fifth match. After he won, he headed for the locker room.

  “Where are you going?” Mr. Lomux asked.

  “The bathroom.” Adam bounced from foot to foot like someone who’d had way too much milk at dinner.

  Mr. Lomux pointed at the bleachers. “Sit. You stay with your team until the end.”

  “But . . .”

  “Sit!”

  Adam sat. I looked at Mookie. “How are you going to get to the locker room?”

  “I don’t know. I’ll figure something out.”

  The whole time we sat there, Rodney kept looking over at me and whispering, “You’re dead.”

  No kidding.

  Finally, Mookie’s turn came. He and Dilby walked out onto the mat. They faced each other.

  “I’m going to rip you into tiny pieces!” Mookie shouted. He clenched his fists like the wrestlers on TV. “I’ll tear you up! I’ll mutilate you!”

  Dilby stared at Mookie. He was obviously totally confused. He stuck a finger in his ear and rooted around for wax.

  Mookie turned toward the bleachers. “I’m Mookasaurus! Fear me!”

  “Stop that!” Mr. Lomux shouted.

  Mookie thrust his thumb at his chest. “I’m the champion of the world! I’m the greatest wrestler that ever lived! Mooka-saurus! Mooka-saurus! Moo-ka-sau-rus!” He stuck both hands out, palms up, and lifted them in the air with each shout, like he was trying to get the crowd to chant along.

  Mr. Lomux walked over to Mookie and yelled, “Get out.”

  Mookie pointed at Mr. Lomux’s head. “Nine veins! Yes! It’s a new record. The Mookasaurus is Mooka-awesome.”

  “OUT!!!” Mr. Lomux screamed. I could see the tenth vein from all the way across the mat.

  “Okay. Sure.” Mookie dashed toward the locker room.

  “You have detention for the rest of the year!” Mr. Lomux called after him.

  As Mookie slipped through the door, Mr. Lomux turned toward the crowd. “No problem, folks. There’s one bad apple in every bunch. But we have two more matches for you, and I think you’re going to be totally thrilled by the final one.”

  I watched the next pair—Omar and Mort—wrestle. When it was my turn, Rodney leaped off the bench like he’d been sitting on a spring, and raced onto the mat. I guess he couldn’t wait to start shredding me like a wet napkin.

  I got up from the bleachers and walked toward the mat as slowly as I could. Across the mat, I saw my dad give me a thumbs-up. In the front row, I saw some guys in suits and some women in nice dresses and pearl necklaces. School board, I thought. Definitely not your average group of wrestling fans.

  I reached the mat. The gym lights were still on. How much more time did Abigail need? I knelt and retied my left sneaker. Then I retied the right one. I reached for the left sneaker again.

  “Let’s go,” Mr. Lomux said.

  I walked onto the mat, crouched, and faced Rodney.

  22

  An Unpleasant Outcome

  I thought about trying to shoot for a take-down. If
I got a quick pin, it would all be over. I really believed I could beat Rodney by using skill. Wrestling wasn’t about strength. It was about balance and leverage. Okay, my balance wasn’t great right now, but I still felt I could beat him.

  But if I messed up, something would break. Maybe a lot of things. My safest bet was to lose as quickly as possible. I knew Dad would be disappointed if I lost, but I think he’d be more disappointed if my foot flew off my leg and knocked out somebody’s eye.

  The only problem was, even if I let Rodney win, he’d try to hurt me.

  The lights were still on.

  “You’re dead,” Rodney whispered.

  “There are worse things,” I said.

  The referee blew his whistle.

  “I’m gonna break your legs,” Rodney said. “And then I’m gonna rip your ears off.”

  No way. I’m not a victim. I made a split-second decision to try for a pin. I knew I could put Rodney flat on his back. I was going to take him down, big-time. That would definitely make me a hero to all the kids in school.

  I took a step, then staggered as I lost my balance.

  Before I could recover, Rodney dove forward and wrapped his arms around both my legs. With a grunt, he lifted me straight up. I felt like I was on a carnival ride. Then he slammed me down on my back. Instead of coming down with me to the mat, he dropped me, then leaped in the air.

  Rodney fell toward me like a meteor.

  He body-slammed me in the gut with all his weight.

  At that instant, the lights went out.

  So did something else.

  When Rodney slammed into my stomach, my head tilted back and everything in my gut jetted out through my throat like soda pop from a bottle that had been shaken really hard. The food got pushed both by Rodney’s weight and by all the gas that had built up inside me.

  It felt like my mouth had turned into a hose nozzle. From the way it sounded, some of the stream caught Rodney right in the face. He got knocked off me. It sounded like the rest landed in the bleachers. That was followed by another sound—unlike anything I could have imagined.

  It can’t be, I thought.

  I saw flickers of light straight above me and off to the sides. The emergency lights were kicking in.

  WHOOMPH!

  A dazzling flash over my head lit the room for an instant. Abigail had warned me about explosive gas. The gas cloud must have drifted straight up, and been set off by the nearest light. The two lights on the side walls had survived. They were dim, but they were bright enough so I could see what was happening in the bleachers. And I could see where the sound came from.

  All around the gym, people were bending over, gagging, and throwing up. Those who hadn’t thrown up right away joined in when they got splattered from behind.

  The bleachers had turned into a fountain of puke.

  Anyone who wasn’t throwing up was holding his nose. People streamed out of the gym. I guess the mess of liquefied wings I’d cooked up in my gut smelled pretty awful.

  I took a short sniff through my nose. Not short enough. Wow. I stopped as soon as the amazing foulness of the odor hit me. It made one of Mookie’s sauerkraut farts seem as pleasant as roses and cinnamon. The people of East Craven might have been saved from the toxic fumes of the leaking chemicals, but they’d definitely gotten a dose of something almost as bad.

  Shawna and the rest of the girls ran past me, screaming. They looked like they’d lost a mud fight. The eeeks and eee wwws got muffled when they escaped into the locker room, but I had a feeling they’d be shuddering for the rest of the night. If not longer.

  Mr. Lomux was on his knees. Every couple seconds, he hunched over, jerked like he’d been zapped by an electric fence, and added to the splattered mess on the floor. I guess he had a weak stomach. After a while, he crawled on his hands and knees toward the locker room.

  I was still on my back. I sat up and looked around. Rodney was sprawled out a couple feet away, clutching his face and moaning. It looked like he’d taken a pretty heavy hit. He got up and staggered away.

  “You okay, champ?”

  I looked over at Dad. His face was pale, but I guess he’d managed not to throw up on his clothes.

  “I’m fine. I just need to catch my breath.” I looked past him at Mom. She seemed okay. I think moms are tougher than the rest of us. They have to deal with babies, and there really isn’t anything grosser and smellier than that. I waved at her to let her know I was okay.

  Dad glanced over his shoulder. “Must have been some kind of gas leak. I guess it made a lot of people sick. Whatever it was, it knocked out the lights, too.”

  “Yeah. That was something, all right.” I spotted Mookie and Abigail coming down the hall. They both froze by the door. I guess they didn’t want to step inside the gym and face the full force of the stinking air. “Dad, do you mind if I walk home with my friends?”

  “Not at all.” He started to leave, then turned back and said, “I’m sorry you didn’t get a chance to wrestle tonight.”

  “That’s okay.”

  “He was big, but I think you could have taken him.”

  “Yeah. I think I could. I’ve got a better sense of balance.”

  Dad and Mom left. I climbed to my feet and checked my balance. I was definitely doing better now that my stomach wasn’t bulging over my pants. That was good. I took careful steps toward Mookie and Abigail as they waited for me by the door.

  “Good work, you two. Thanks.”

  “You’re alive,” Mookie said.

  “Yeah.”

  “And in one piece,” Abigail said.

  “Not exactly.”

  They both stared at me. I pointed to my left leg. “I think it broke.”

  “But you’re walking,” Mookie said.

  “I’m sort of balancing on it. The skin didn’t tear all the way off, but I definitely have to glue the bone back. It snapped. I didn’t feel it, but I heard it, for sure.” I turned my head, being careful not to lean too far, and looked at my calf. I could see a rip along the back side of my leg. I felt my head. Everything was still attached. At least Rodney didn’t get a chance to tear my ears off.

  “Got your glue?” Mookie asked.

  I pointed to the locker room. “I got a ton. It’s in my bag.”

  Mookie ran off for the bag.

  “Come on, Humpty Dumpty, let’s go find a quiet room where we can glue you back together,” Abigail said after Mookie returned.

  They got on either side of me and I put my arms around them. I shuffled down the high school hallway, between my two friends.

  “You’re going to have to help me glue this,” I said. “I can’t reach.”

  “No problem,” Mookie said.

  “It’s going to be pretty gross,” I warned him.

  “Cool,” Mookie said.

  “And fascinating,” Abigail said.

  “I hate to say it,” I told them, “but I realized something as I was lying on the mat.”

  “I think I know what you’re going to tell us,” Abigail said.

  “You’re going to become a wrestler?” Mookie asked. “Awesome. I’ll be your manager.”

  “No. Something far scarier,” I said. “I’m going to become an agent for BUM.”

  “Why?” he asked.

  “They’re the only ones might be able to keep my bones from breaking. The machine doesn’t work, yet. But they’re still my best hope. And it seems like they really are doing some good things. They exposed those toxic chemicals before anyone got hurt. And they’re trying to stop the people who are giving kids dangerous things like those chemistry sets.” I looked at Abigail. “You understand, don’t you?”

  “Sure. I understand. You’re definitely doing good things. I heard about that building on the news, and figured out the connection. It was fiendishly clever of the bad guys to hide their chemicals in one of the government’s empty buildings. There would have been a disaster if you hadn’t done something. But that’s not the only reason you want
to join BUM. It’s not just about doing good things, is it?”

  “Nope. I guess it’s kind of exciting, too. Driving around in the dark, sneaking into places, beating the bad guys. I mean, I’m going to be a real spy. And they have a lot of cool stuff to play with.”

  “Even if most of it explodes,” Mookie said.

  “Especially if most of it explodes,” I said.

  In some ways, I guess spies were almost as cool as superheroes. As a superhero, I could save one person at a time. As I spy, I’d already saved hundreds. Maybe thousands. So what if they’d never know? I knew. That’s all that mattered.

  I touched my chest. “I might be dead, but being a spy really makes me feel alive.”

  Later

  Igot online that night and logged in to Vampyre Stalker. Instead of waiting for Peter Plowshare to come to me, I went up the hill and had my battle with Nastydamus. It was tough, but I won. As I left the crypt, I found myself face-to-face with a peasant.

  Staker Slaymaster: What took you so long?

  Peter Plowshare: I figured you’d like a chance to have the battle I’d interrupted. Nice job with the garlic and holy water. He never had a chance.

  Staker Slaymaster: Thanks.

  Peter Plowshare: So, are you joining us?

  Staker Slaymaster: Yeah. I want to make the world a better place.

  Peter Plowshare: Good. And you shall. I’ll have an important mission for you soon.

  He walked off before I could ask anything. An important mission. That sounded cool.

  I still didn’t completely trust Mr. Murphy. But at least I had Abigail and Mookie on my side. I’d trust them with my life. Or death.

  Dad wasn’t the only one who believed the whole thing in the gym was caused by some sort of gas leak that blew out the lights and sickened everyone. The newspaper ran a story about a mystery gas. Nobody seemed to remember that the lights went out before the explosion. According to Abigail, eyewitness reports are often wrong.